The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (25 page)

Three weeks earlier…

Surrounded by wary bandit henchmen, Deeb Rauber sat upon his stolen throne and gave a steely-eyed staredown to the bone-thin, sunken-eyed old woman who’d burst, uninvited, into his headquarters.

“Let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Rauber said. “You want me, the infamous Bandit King, and my entire army to work as security for some show you’re putting on?”

“Not a
show
, a massacre,” Zaubera scoffed. “I’m going to be obliterating people.”

“And how are you going to do that, old lady?” Rauber asked. “Spook ’em to death with your creepy grandma stare?”

“No,” said Zaubera. “I was thinking something more like this.” She flexed her fingers and sent an arc of mystic blue lightning across the room and directly into Neville’s chest. The lanky bandit let out a high-pitched shriek and hit the floor, twitching.

“Neat,” said Rauber. He stroked an imaginary beard. “But if you can do
that
, what do you need us for?”

“As I explained earlier, I’m expecting a rather large audience,” Zaubera said. “It would be helpful if you and your men could, shall we say, keep them in their seats. I don’t want anybody leaving before the big finale.”

“Well, this all sounds like tons of fun,” Rauber said, reaching into a bowl of gumdrops beside his throne and popping one into his mouth. “But what’s in it for me?”

“How about a kingdom?” Zaubera said. The Bandit King leaned forward, listening intently. A little droplet of drool slipped past his lower lip. “Once my entire plan has worked its course, five of the biggest kingdoms in the land will be left utterly defenseless. You can take whichever of them you’d like.”

Rauber found it hard not to bounce in his seat, but tried to sound cool and professional. “I think this might be a mutually beneficial arrangement,” he said. “You can count us in, old lady.”

Fig. 35 Zaubera’s HOME OFFICE

The only thing left for Zaubera to figure out was the best way to inform the world about her bardnappings. Whatever method she chose, it had to really grab people’s attention. It had to be spectacular.

Zaubera sat down at her desk in the center of the large round observatory. The dark stone pillars that ringed the room and the bloodred roof above had a way of making her feel extra evil. The witch moved her human skull candleholder and cage of tarantulas out of the way and unrolled a yellowing parchment. She dipped her vulture-feather quill into an inkwell and began to brainstorm.

She heard a commotion outside and ran to the window. A handful of armed men were storming her fortress.

“Well, those fools took their time getting here,” she said. “How hard is it to track someone who makes ten-yard footprints?” She scurried downstairs as fast as her spindly legs would carry her.

Zaubera emerged from the front door of her stronghold just in time to see the dragon hurtling toward Reese.

“Freeze!” she rasped.

The dragon abruptly stopped in midair. Liam, however, did not. His own momentum was so great that he lost his grip on the monster’s horns. He flew off the dragon’s neck, sailed over its head, and barreled into the giant’s hefty belly. With a loud
oof!
Reese doubled over, and Liam bounced to the ground, dazed and bruised.

“Shake it off, you colossal wimp,” Zaubera rasped at the giant. “I think I might have to let you go, Reese. I don’t think you’re working out. I got you a
dragon
and you still can’t handle a handful of ridiculous little humans.”

“At least they didn’t free the girl,” Reese said, hoping the witch had not yet discovered that the only prisoner inside her fortress was a hunk of lumber.

“True,” Zaubera said. “But
these
sorry losers were getting the better of you, Reese. You’re bigger than the four of them combined.”

“I’ll do better next time, ma’am,” Reese said, lowering his head.

“And
you
,” the witch said, turning to the dragon. “You let one of them
ride
you?”

The creature licked its claws, pretending not to hear her.

“Ach, never mind,” Zaubera spat. “Reese, you want to make it as a force of evil in this town? Watch me. I’ll show you how you do
evil
. Just keep that dumb animal out of my way.”

The giant called the dragon to his side, where it plopped itself down and began licking its wings.

“Okay, now,” Zaubera said, looking out upon the four princes. “There are more of you than I expected. Who are you? Who is it who thinks he can defeat the all-powerful Zaubera?”

Liam rose shakily to his feet. “We are the men who are going to put an end to you.”

“Wrong,” Zaubera said. She raised her arms into the air, her ragged red-and-gray robe fluttering around her as a sudden wind began to blow. A bolt of glowing blue energy burst forth from her hands and blasted into Liam. He landed in a heap. “Any of you others have a better answer?”

Frederic shook Duncan awake.

“Eek! A mud-man!” Duncan shrieked when he opened his eyes. “Oh, wait. Frederic, that’s you. Sorry. You’re very dirty.”

“Duncan, pay attention,” Frederic instructed soberly. “The witch is here. And a dragon.”

“Giant, too?”

“Yes. And the witch just blasted Liam with some kind of magic lightning.”

Duncan sat up and looked around.

“There’s nothing good about any of that,” he said flatly.

“We’ve got to do something, Duncan. Use your luck.”

“But I don’t
use
my luck,” Duncan said apologetically. “It just happens. I’m sorry.”

“I’m waaaaiting,” Zaubera called in a singsong voice. “Who
are
you?”

“We are the men who are going to put an end to you.” This time it was Gustav, who had managed to stagger to his feet.

“Ooh, you’re repeating what the last guy said,” the witch mocked. “Nice dramatic effect. Still, however, not a good enough answer. I’m looking for names, people.”

Gustav started to charge at Zaubera. Only a few steps into his attack, a massive blast of blue lightning stopped him in his tracks. Zaubera cackled as she watched Gustav writhe on the ground before her.

“I know I’m impressively terrifying, but enough with the slack-jawed staring,” Zaubera continued. “One of you had better speak up soon. I’m just going to keep zapping your bald friend here until someone tells me who you all are.” She pummeled Gustav with one blast of mystical energy after another.

Duncan popped to his feet. “Princes!” he blurted. “Prince of Sylvonia. I mean Harmaria. No, that’s him. I mean we’re all princes. The song says Prince Charming, but that’s not the real name. I mean we all have real names. Is that what you want to hear? We know
your
name. Something with a Z. Did you know I’m magic?”

Duncan continued to babble, but Zaubera stopped listening after the words “Prince Charming.” One of these fools was Prince Charming? It was too perfect. Prince Charming would make the perfect addition to her finale. But which one was he?

Liam, in the meantime, was taking advantage of the distraction Duncan provided. Crawling on his belly, he made his way to Gustav’s fallen sword. He grabbed the weapon and began twisting it until its glimmering blade caught a ray of sun and reflected the glare directly into the dragon’s eye.

As Liam had hoped, the big creature recoiled from the sudden eyeful of bright light. The dragon growled and thrashed, and smashed into the unsuspecting Reese.

Out of the corner of her eye, Zaubera saw Reese’s tremendous form falling toward her. “You oaf!” she screamed, and quickly cast a magic bubble shield in time to protect herself. Taking advantage of the distraction, Liam grabbed Gustav’s arm and tugged him, staggering, toward the trees.

“What’s happening? Are we running away or going back to fight some more?” Gustav asked. “I can’t see.”

“Gustav, are you blind again?” Liam asked.

“Not like before,” Gustav said. “I just can’t—argh! All I see are colored lights.”

“Just go where I pull you,” Liam said. “We’re heading into the woods. The witch is … busy for the moment.”

Back at the foot of the tower, the three villains were embroiled in chaos. The witch, still in her protective bubble, was screaming at the giant to get off her, which he was having a hard time doing, thanks to the dragon, which had jumped, snarling, onto his chest.

As Liam dragged Gustav to safety, Duncan and Frederic ran alongside them.

“What’s going on?” Frederic panted. “What about Ella?”

“Just run, Frederic,” Liam said. “Ella’s gone!”

“She’s dead?” Frederic gasped.

“Not dead,” Liam clarified. “
Gone
. As in: not in the fortress. She escaped.”

Frederic’s mind was reeling. Ella was free, the princes were all still alive (somehow), and this adventure was over. He should have been feeling nothing but relief. But more than anything else, he was depressed. This entire sorry episode had proven one thing: He was
not
a hero.

19

P
RINCE
C
HARMING
N
EEDS A
B
ATH

C
ome, Your Young Highness. Castle Sturmhagen lies not a full day’s trek from here,” Pennyfeather said, as he and Lila stood at the foot of the tower that now held a trio of very sad goblins. “The venerable King Olaf and Queen Berthilda can no doubt provide a formidable rescue party for my fellow bards.”

“I don’t know,” Lila hedged. “I mean, I may be a princess, but I’m not so great when it comes to dealing with other royals. I think we should still just go back and tell my mom and dad.”

“Tut-tut,” Pennyfeather said. “I shall do all the talking. No worries there.”

“Well, maybe,” Lila said.

“Then it’s settled,” Pennyfeather said as he straightened the feather on his floppy cap. “And once we’ve done our civic duty by informing the authorities about the witch, then we can see to it that Sturmhagen’s courtiers get you properly fixed up, Your Highness. We’ll get you a new gown—with unwrinkled sleeves. And new footwear. Have you tried those new glass slippers that are becoming so popular among the aristocracy these days? I hear they’re simply darling. I’m sure we could even get your hair recurled if we ask the right people. Worry not, Your Highness: With my input, you’ll be looking like a proper princess again in no time. Now let us be off. Your Highness? Your Highness? Where did you go? Your Highness?”

Elsewhere in the same forest, the four princes pushed their way through the underbrush until they came to a dirt road several miles from Zaubera’s stronghold. They stopped to catch their breath and gripe about one another.

“Gustav, let me take a look at you,” Liam said.

“Go ahead,” Gustav said. “
You’ve
got working eyes.”