The Holly Project (17 page)

I then looked beyond the big brown building to the smaller cream one – the maternity hospital. I was ten when Jamie was born, so my memories were more than just snapshots. Mum looked tired but happy as she gazed at her wrinkly baby. I remember I thought it was strange that her head was cone-shaped and her skin was purple. Dad had struggled to reassure me that she was perfectly normal. I smiled at the memory.

In front of the hospital was a perfectly manicured cricket oval. There weren’t any games being played, but a few kids were kicking a ball around in the sunshine. I was starting to notice the good things.

Rummaging around in my handbag, I pulled out the card Dad had given me. Without overthinking it, I dialled the number and made an appointment.

The night after my second session, a few weeks later, I pulled out the letter my grief counsellor had suggested I write to Mum. She’d explained that directing my words to the person for whom I was grieving could be a useful tool in expressing and understanding my thoughts. I also read the poem I’d written for her funeral and I realised how far I’d come.

Three months later

Christmas Eve

“Merry Christmas!” Audrey, Zara, Jason and I chinked our champagne glasses.

“I know you’ll all be getting turkey and ham over the next few days with your families so I’ve gone for a vegetarian dish. Giovanni taught me how to make it.” I placed four bowls of gnocchi down and took my seat at the round table. “I’ve been slaving away in the kitchen and I expect some over-the-top appreciation for my efforts.”

“Since when are you besties with Giovanni?” Jason asked a little dejectedly. “I still can’t look at a bowl of gnocchi without cringing.”

“He runs a cooking class once a month at the restaurant. This is his recipe – sage, truffle and kale with homemade gnocchi pillows of goodness.”

“Did you seriously make the gnocchi? It smells divine,” Zara said, inhaling the delicious sage-infused steam rising from her bowl.

“It’s not the same with the bought stuff,” I replied.

“Okay, enough about gnocchi.” I poured wine into glasses. “I have something else to talk to you guys about.” I looked around the table at my closest friends in the world. “It all started when I met Ryan Davenport on my birthday.”

“Well there’s a name we haven’t heard much of lately. Have you spoken to him? Is he back from London?” Audrey asked excitedly.

“Let me get this out, Aud,” I said.

“Sorry. Go on.”

“You all know I’ve been seeing a grief counsellor for the past few months.”

Zara and Audrey both nodded.

“So what sage advice did she have?” Jason asked, waving a piece of gnocchi on his fork. A note of cynicism was evident in his tone.

“She listened, mostly. You see, for ten years, I’ve been convinced I had everything under control. I thought if I shut myself off, I could avoid more suffering.”

“And Ryan changed that?” Zara asked.

I couldn’t help smiling thinking back to the moment I first saw him by my table in the café. “Yes. Ryan made me feel something I’d never felt before. Something… life changing.” I held my hand over my heart. “For the first time, I felt out of control – and I liked it. Unfortunately, I was still a confused and fucked up mess, and he had his own set of issues too. Together, we were a disaster.” I looked at my three closest friends who had been so incredibly supportive over the years. “I’m really sorry for dragging you guys along for the ride.”

“We’re just glad you are confronting all of this now,” Audrey said, smiling.

“I’ve wanted to tell you what’s been going on, but I wanted to wait until I’d got my thoughts straight.”

“It’s fine, Hol,” Zara said. “We could tell you were okay or we would have kicked your butt some more. At least, I would have.”

“Well, I have the three of you to thank for it. Zara, I did need that kick up the butt. Jason, I know I bit your head off when you told me I hadn’t dealt with my mother’s death – it hit a nerve, probably because I knew it was true.”

Jason smiled and took a big mouthful of gnocchi.

“And Audrey,” I looked to my very best friend. “Asking me to talk to my dad back in September was your greatest gift to me.” I could see her eyes misting, which immediately made mine blur.

“I also lost your mum that day, remember. I miss her too. But I also miss the old Holly.” A few tears slipped down her cheeks. “I can see that person coming back.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jason said, exhaling loudly.

“Okay, okay,” I stated firmly, smiling. “That’s the emotional part of the evening over. I’m sorry to be a downer on Christmas Eve. Now, can you lot please eat? I slaved over this.”

“That’s the complete opposite of a downer. You and Ryan are going to live happily ever after and have lots of super gorgeous babies,” Audrey said, wiping her eyes with her napkin.

“Oh, God. Steady on. Don’t go marrying me off just yet!”

“Hmmm, mmmm.” Audrey tried unsuccessfully to respond around a mouthful of gnocchi.

“So Ryan is still it for you?” Jason asked, a look of calm resignation on his face.

“I’m in love with him.” I said it out loud and I knew it was true. “He’s my same page person.”

Audrey and Zara beamed. Even Jason smiled. Our foursome was intact. I just needed to win back my man.

“So what’s the plan? Are you going to fly to London?” Zara asked.

“Ooh yes! A grand, romantic gesture!” Audrey exclaimed.

“Turns out I won’t have to. You know how I’ve been catching up with Ryan’s mum?”

They all nodded, their mouths full.

“Well, she’s invited me to her engagement party on New Year’s Eve. Ryan’s flying into Sydney on Boxing Day so I’m going to surprise him at the airport? That’s my grand plan.”

“Holy shit!” Zara chimed in. “That’s really romantic.”

We finished our meals, along with several bottles of wine. I felt a fire burning inside me – I knew this was the right path. From that point on, I was determined to be honest, brave and open with the people I loved.

I spent Christmas Day with my family at Dad’s new apartment at Balmoral Beach. Sophie, Dad’s girlfriend, also joined us. She was the one who had suggested that Dad see a counsellor. Fairly recently, he had asked her out to lunch, and things progressed from there. Sophie really seemed to make him happy, and I found it surprisingly painless seeing him with another woman. He deserved a second chance at love.

After lunch, we sat around the table on the balcony admiring the serene beauty of the unique harbour view.

“I could sleep for a week I’m so full,” April said, yawning.

“Me too,” I agreed.

“It might be the turkey you ate for lunch,” Jamie suggested. “It’s soporific.”

“What the hell does ‘soporific’ mean?” April asked.

“A drug or other substance that induces drowsiness or sleep,” Jamie replied matter of factly.

“What are you?” April laughed. “A walking dictionary?”

“I did an assignment on sleep therapies this year. I think I might like to be some kind of sleep analyst when I finish school.”

“Is that someone’s phone ringing?” Dad asked suddenly.

“Oh yes, that’s me. Sorry Jamie. I want to know more about this sleep stuff and what turkeys have to do with it. Sounds like gobbledegook to me. Get it? Turkey… Gobble?” I laughed to myself as I went inside to answer my phone. I didn’t look at the number before answering.

“Merry Christmas, Holly speaking.” I was still laughing at my silly turkey joke.

“Well, Merry Christmas to you too, Holly.”

Ryan.

“Oh … um … hi…”
Silence

Suddenly I was wide awake. Shouldn’t he be on a plane? Perhaps he was at Singapore airport.

“I hope I haven’t interrupted your Christmas lunch.”

I closed my eyes as he spoke, enjoying the sound of his voice.

“Oh, no. We’ve finished. We were just sitting outside enjoying the view.”

“I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

“Thank you. You too. How are you?”

“I’m good. Dad’s been here for a few weeks.”

“Oh, okay. How is your dad?”

I was hoping he would tell me himself about his dad’s reaction to the divorce and the upcoming engagement party.

“Dad’s fine.” He paused before continuing. “He just needed a holiday.”

“Fair enough.”

Pause

“Anyway, Holly, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

“You already did.”

“Oh.”
Pause
. “Sorry.”
Pause.
“Take care of yourself, Holly.”
Silence
.

He ended the call before I could say goodbye. I stared at my phone for several seconds.
What the hell was that?

He hadn’t even mentioned his mother’s engagement party or that he would be in Sydney in less than twenty-four hours. Jessica would have told me if there had been a change of plans. I was more determined than ever to see him at the airport and find out where his head was at. It had been months since we’d last spoken. I needed to see him face to face. Unless something had changed for him, our unparalleled physical attraction would be hard to ignore. I was in a far better place than when we were last together. He was the only unknown quantity. But the fact that he called must mean he still thought of me.

When I returned to the balcony, April was dozing on one of the sun lounges. Jamie was still talking animatedly about her interest in sleep therapy. I spent the rest of the day enjoying the sunshine and the company of my beautiful family.

Ryan’s flight was due in at six on Monday morning, so he probably wouldn’t be coming through the gate before seven. His mum had given me the details, and had promised to keep my surprise a secret. I got there early. Airports are one of my favourite places – they offer the ultimate people-watching opportunities. Everyone is coming or going, and my “imagine-their-life” game can be ramped up to include exotic and faraway places.

The arrivals lounge at an international airport is a place of high emotion, excitement and anticipation. Young children with their mums awaiting the return of their father after a long business trip. Grandparents waiting to see the grandchildren they only see once a year, if they’re lucky. Boyfriends waiting for their adventurous girlfriends to return from a girls’ trip to Bali, hoping their relationship is still on track – or that she’d at least be on the flight.

Despite my best efforts to remain focused, I couldn’t help imagining what would happen when Ryan walked through those gates. My imagination went a little overboard. I imagined him emerging, a little weary looking, pulling his suitcase behind him. Still the best-looking man I’d seen by far, the hundreds of other passengers would fade away as soon as he appeared. His dark blonde hair would be a bit mussed up from the long-haul flight. As he got closer, our eyes would meet and he’d stop, completely shocked. For a painful couple of minutes, which would most likely only be seconds, we would stare at each other. Then he’d smile. Closing my eyes, I sucked in a breath as the memory of his smile simultaneously allowed me to breathe again and left me breathless.

“Hi,” he’d mouth, without closing the distance.

I’d duck under the barrier and rush forward. When I reached him, he’d sweep me off my feet and kiss me with an urgency I knew had always been right there simmering below the surface, just waiting for the green light. My legs would instinctively wrap around his waist and I would kiss him back, matching his desperation heartbeat for heartbeat.

Shaking my head to clear the daydream that I hoped was about to become a reality, I glanced up at the arrivals gate. He had already passed through and was halfway down the walkway. He had stopped in his tracks. Our eyes locked and for a second, time stood still.

Then time went from standing still to racing at a hundred miles an hour. My vision expanded to the woman standing next to him. Her confused gaze alternated between Ryan and me.

He wasn’t travelling alone.

Maybe she’s just a work colleague.

Maybe not.

Wanting to run, I felt betrayed by my jelly legs. Slowly, Ryan and the woman – who I already despised for no solid reason – walked towards me. My brain was screaming at my legs to sort themselves out in case they were needed. Again, no joy. It felt like my feet were bolted to the floor. If I’d tried to move, I would have fallen flat on my face.

“Hello,” said the woman. “Are you our ride?”

Is she fucking serious?
Her pompous English accent and condescending tone snapped me out of my stupor.

“Err… No. Why would you think that?” I replied in a far more cutting tone than really necessary.

“Christ. Holly. Sorry,” Ryan interrupted. “What are you doing here?”

Think, Holly. For God’s sake. Think!

“Hello, Ryan.” I managed to sound borderline calm. “What a coincidence. I’m here to meet Audrey. She’s flying in from… Um… from…”
Shit, think of one goddamn place in the world. Anywhere!
“Adelaide.”

Phew!

“Oh really?” Ryan appeared puzzled. “Why are you at the international terminal?”

Shit.

“Oh. Right. I’m at the wrong place.” This was so freaking embarrassing. “I’d better run. Good to see you again, Ryan, and… sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” I tried to smile when I looked at the woman.

“Oh, sorry.” Ryan looked at the woman then back at me awkwardly. “Holly, this is Rachael. She works for Preston Finance. She’s here to view the progress of the Aqua Vue project.”

Okay, good. Work colleague.

“And for your mother’s engagement party.” Her smug tone made me want to punch her.

Maybe not.

“This is Holly Ashton,” Ryan continued. “She’s my architect for the project.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Oh wow. It really is a coincidence to see you here.” She didn’t believe it was a coincidence for a second. “Come on, babe. Can we get going?”

Babe?
That one little word spoke volumes about their status. I felt like my heart was being ripped out.

“Nice to meet you, Rachael.” I shook hands with her. “I’d better go. Audrey will be wondering where I am.” My lie was even more embarrassing now.