The Host (51 page)

I looked up. He was standing over me. His face was expressionless, the blank facade that meant he was in the grip of some strong emotion. His poker face.

“The boys want to know if you have any questions for the Seeker.” I put one hand to my forehead, trying to block the images there. “If I don't?”

“They're ready to be done with guard duty. It's a hard time. They'd rather be with their friends right now.”

I nodded. “Okay. I guess I'd better… go and see her at once, then.” I shoved myself away from the wall and to my feet. My hands were shaking, so I clenched them into fists.

You don't have any questions.

I'll think of some.

Why prolong the inevitable?

I have no idea.

You're trying to save her,
Melanie accused, full of outrage.

There's no way to do that.

No. There isn't. And you want her dead anyway. So let them shoot her.

I cringed.

“You okay?” Jamie asked.

I nodded, not trusting my voice enough to speak.

“You don't have to,” Jeb told me, his eyes sharp on my face.

“It's okay,” I whispered.

Jamie's hand wrapped around mine, but I shook it off. “Stay here, Jamie.”

“I'll come with you.”

My voice was stronger now. “Oh, no, you will
not.
” We stared at each other for a moment, and for once I won the argument. He stuck his chin out stubbornly but slouched back against the wall.

Ian, too, seemed inclined to follow me out of the kitchen, but I stopped him in his tracks with a single look. Jared watched me go with an unfathomable expression.

“She's a complainer,” Jeb told me in a low voice as we walked back toward the hole. “Not quiet like you were. Always asking for more–food, water, pillows… She threatens a lot, too.

'The Seekers will get you all!' That kinda thing. It's been hard on Brandt especially. She's pushed his temper right to the edge.”

I nodded. This did not surprise me one bit.

“She hasn't tried to escape, though. A lot of talk and no action. Once the guns come up, she backs right down.”

I recoiled.

“My guess is, she wants to live pretty dang bad,” Jeb murmured to himself.

“Are you sure this is the… safest place to keep her?” I asked as we started down the black, twisting tunnel.

Jeb chuckled. “You didn't find your way out,” he reminded me. “Sometimes the best hiding place is the one that's in plain sight.”

My answer was flat. “She's more motivated than I was.”

“The boys're keepin' a sharp eye on her. Nothin' to worry about.” We were almost there. The tunnel turned back on itself in a sharp V.

How many times had I rounded this corner, my hand tracing along the inside of the pointed switchback, just like this? I'd never traced along the outside wall. It was uneven, with jutting rocks that would leave bruises and cause me to trip. Staying on the inside was a shorter walk anyway.

When they'd first showed me that the V was not a V but a Y–two branches forking off from another tunnel,
the
tunnel–I'd felt pretty stupid. Like Jeb said, hiding things in plain sight was sometimes the cleverest route. The times I'd been desperate enough to even consider escaping the caves, my mind had skipped right over this place in my speculations. This was the hole, the prison. In my head, it was the darkest, deepest well in the caves. This was where they'd buried me.

Even Mel, sneakier than I was, had never dreamed that they'd held me captive just a few paces from the exit.

It wasn't even the only exit. But the other was small and tight, a crawl space. I hadn't found that one because I'd walked into these caves standing upright. I hadn't been looking for
that
kind of tunnel. Besides, I'd never explored the edges of Doc's hospital; I'd avoided it from the beginning.

The voice, familiar even though it seemed part of another life, interrupted my thoughts.

“I wonder how you're still alive, eating like this. Ugh!”

Something plastic clattered against the rocks.

I could see the blue light as we rounded the last corner.

“I didn't know humans had the patience to starve someone to death. That seems like too complex a plan for you shortsighted creatures to grasp.”

Jeb chuckled. “Gotta say, I'm impressed with those boys. Surprised they held up this long.” We turned into the lit dead-end tunnel. Brandt and Aaron, both sitting as far as possible from the end of the tunnel where the Seeker paced, both with guns in their hands, sighed with relief when they saw us approaching.

“Finally,” Brandt muttered. His face was etched in hard lines of grief.

The Seeker halted in her pacing.

I was surprised to see the conditions she was kept in.

She was not stuffed into the tiny cramped hole, but comparatively free, stomping to and fro across the short width of the tunnel. On the floor, against the flat end of the tunnel, were a mat and a pillow. A plastic tray was tilted at an angle against the wall at about the midpoint of the cave; a few jicama roots lay scattered near it with a soup bowl. A little soup was splattered out from where that lay. This explained the clatter I'd just heard–she'd thrown her food. It looked as though she'd eaten most of it first, though.

I stared at this relatively humane setup and felt an odd pain in my stomach.

Who did
we
kill?
Melanie muttered sullenly. This stung her, too.

“You want a minute with her?” Brandt asked me, and the pain stabbed again. Had Brandt ever referred to
me
using a feminine pronoun? I wasn't surprised that Jeb had done this for the Seeker, but everyone else?

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Careful,” Aaron cautioned. “She's an angry little thing.”

I nodded.

The others stayed where they were. I walked down the tunnel alone.

It was hard to lift my eyes, to meet the gaze that I could feel like cold fingers pressing against my face.

The Seeker was glaring at me, a harsh sneer twisting her features. I'd never seen a soul use that expression before.

“Well, hello there,
Melanie,
” she mocked me. “What took you so long to come visit?” I didn't answer. I walked toward her slowly, trying hard to believe that the hate coursing through my body really did not belong to me.

“Did your little friends think I would talk to you? Spill all my secrets because you carry a gagged and lobotomized soul around in your head, reflecting through your eyes?” She laughed abrasively.

I stopped two long strides away from her, my body tensed to run. She made no aggressive move toward me, but I could not relax my muscles. This was not like meeting the Seeker on the highway–I didn't have the usual sensation of safety that I felt around the gentle others of my kind. Again, the strange conviction that she would live long after I was gone swept through me.

Don't be ridiculous. Ask her your questions. Have you come up with any?

“So, what do you want? Did you request permission to kill me personally, Melanie?” the Seeker hissed.

“They call me Wanda here,” I said.

She flinched slightly when I opened my lips to speak, as if expecting me to shout. My low, even voice seemed to upset her more than the scream she anticipated.

I examined her face while she glared at me with her bulging eyes. It was dirty, stained with purple dust and dried sweat. Other than that, there wasn't a mark on it. Again, this gave me an odd ache.

“Wanda,” she repeated in a flat voice. “Well, what are you waiting for? Didn't they give you the okay? Were you planning to use your bare hands or my gun?”

“I'm not here to kill you.”

She smiled sourly. “To interrogate me, then? Where are your instruments of torture, human?” I cringed. “I won't hurt you.”

Insecurity flickered across her face and then vanished behind her sneer. “What are they keeping me for, then? Do they think I can be tamed, like your pet soul?”

“No. They just… they didn't want to kill you until they had… consulted me. In case I wanted to talk to you first.”

Her lids lowered, narrowing her protruding eyes. “Do you have something to say?” I swallowed. “I was wondering…” I only had the same question I'd been unable to answer for myself. “Why? Why couldn't you let me be dead, like the rest of them? Why were you so determined to hunt me down? I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted… to go my own way.” She leaped up onto her toes, shoving her face toward mine. Someone moved behind me, but I couldn't hear more than that–she was shouting in my face.

“Because I was
right!
” she shrieked. “More than right!
Look
at them all! A vile nest of killers, lurking in wait! Just like I thought, only so much
worse!
I
knew
you were out here with them!
One
of them! I
told
them there was danger! I
told
them!” She stopped, panting, and took a step back from me, staring over my shoulder. I didn't look away to see what had made her retreat. I assumed it had something to do with what Jeb had just told me–
once the guns come up, she backs right down.
I analyzed her expression for a moment as her heavy breathing slowed.

“But they didn't listen to you. So you came for us alone.”

The Seeker didn't answer. She took another step back from me, doubt twisting her expression.

She looked oddly vulnerable for a second, as if my words had stripped away the shield she'd been hiding behind.

“They'll look for you, but in the end, they never believed you at all, did they?” I said, watching as each word was confirmed in her desperate eyes. It made me very sure. “So they won't take the search further than that. When they don't find you, their interest will fade. We'll be careful, as usual. They won't find us.”

Now I could see true fear in her eyes for the first time. The terrible–to her–knowledge that I was right. And I felt better for my nest of humans, my little family. I
was
right. They would be safe. Yet, incongruously, I didn't feel any better for myself.

I had no more questions for the Seeker. When I walked away, she would die. Would they wait until I was far enough not to hear the shot? Was there anywhere in the caves that was far enough for that?

I stared at her angry, fearful face, and I knew how deeply I hated her. How much I never wanted to see that face again for the rest of my lives.

The hate that made it impossible for me to allow her to die.

“I don't know how to save you,” I whispered, too low for the humans to hear. Why did that sound like a lie in my ears? “I can't think of a way.”

“Why would you want to? You're one of them!” But a spasm of hope sparked in her eyes. Jeb was right. All the bluster, all the threats… She wanted very much to stay alive.

I nodded at her accusation, a little absently because I was thinking hard and fast. “But still me,” I murmured. “I don't want… I don't want…”

How to finish that sentence? I didn't want… the Seeker to die? No. That wasn't true.

I didn't want… to hate the Seeker? To hate her so much that I wanted her to die. To have her die while I hated her. Almost as if she died
because
of my hate.

If I truly did not want her death, would I be able to think of a way to save her? Was it my hate that was blocking an answer? Would I be responsible if she died?

Are you insane?
Melanie protested.

She'd killed my friend, shot him dead in the desert, broken Lily's heart. She'd put my family in danger. As long as she lived, she was a danger to them. To Ian, to Jamie, to Jared. She would do everything in her power to see them all dead.

That's more like it.
Melanie approved of this train of thought.

But if she dies, and I could have saved her if I'd wanted to… who am I then?

You have to be practical, Wanda. This is a war. Whose side are you on?

You know the answer to that.

I do. And that's who you are, Wanda.

But… but what if I could do both? What if I could save her life and keep everyone here safe at
the same time?

A heavy wave of nausea rolled in my stomach as I saw the answer I'd been trying to believe didn't exist.

The only wall I'd ever built between Melanie and me crumbled to dust.

No!
Mell gasped. And then screamed,
NO!

The answer I must have known I would find. The answer that explained my strange premonition.

Because I could save the Seeker. Of course I could. But it would cost me. A trade. What had Kyle said? A life for a life.

The Seeker stared at me, her dark eyes full of venom.

The Seeker scrutinized my face while Mell and I fought.

No, Wanda, no!

Don't be stupid, Mel. You of all people should see the potential of this choice. Isn't this what
you want?

But even as I tried to look at the happy ending, I couldn't escape the horror of this choice. This was the secret I should die to protect. The information I'd been desperate to keep safe no matter what hideous torture I was put through.

This was not the kind of torture I'd expected: a personal crisis of conscience, confused and complicated by love for my human family. Very painful, nevertheless.

I could not claim to be an expatriate if I did this. No, I would be purely a traitor.

Not for her, Wanda! Not for her!
Mell howled.

Should I wait? Wait until they catch another soul? An innocent soul whom I have no reason to
hate? I'll have to make the decision sometime.

Not now! Wait! Think about this!

My stomach rolled again, and I had to hunch my body forward and take a deep breath. I just managed not to gag.

“Wanda?” Jeb called in concern.

I could do it, Mel. I could justify letting her die if she was one of those innocent souls. I could let
them kill her then. I could trust myself to make an objective decision.

But she's horrible, Wanda! We hate her!

Exactly. And I
can't
trust myself. Look at how I almost didn't see the answer…

“Wanda, you all right?”

The Seeker glared past me, toward Jeb's voice.

“Fine, Jeb,” I gasped. My voice was breathy, strained. I was surprised at how bad it sounded.

The Seeker's dark eyes flickered between us, unsure. Then she recoiled from me, cringing into the wall. I recognized the pose–remembered exactly how it felt to hold it.

A gentle hand came down on my shoulder and spun me around.

“What's going on with you, hon?” Jeb asked.

“I need a minute,” I told him breathlessly. I looked straight into his faded-denim eyes and told him something that was most definitely not a lie. “I have one more question. But I really need a minute to myself. Can you… wait for me?”

“Sure, we can wait a little while more. Take a breather.”

I nodded and walked as quickly as I could from the prison. My legs were stiff with terror at first, but I found my stride as I moved. By the time I passed Aaron and Brandt, I was almost running.

“What happened?” I heard Aaron whisper to Brandt, his voice bewildered.

I wasn't sure where to hide while I thought. My feet, like a shuttle on automatic pilot, took me through the corridors toward my sleeping room. I could only hope that it would be empty.

It was dark, barely any light from the stars trickling down through the cracked ceiling. I didn't see Lily till I tripped over her in the darkness.

I almost didn't recognize her tear-swollen face. She was curled into a tight, tiny ball on the floor in the middle of the passageway. Her eyes were wide, not quite comprehending who I was.

“Why?” she asked me.

I stared at her wordlessly.

“I said that life and love go on. But
why
do they? They shouldn't. Not anymore. What's the point?”

“I don't know, Lily. I'm not sure what the point is.”

“Why?” she asked again, not speaking to me anymore. Her glassy eyes looked right through me.

I stepped carefully past her and hurried to my room. I had my own question that had to be answered.

To my great relief, the room was empty. I threw myself facedown on the mattress where Jamie and I slept.

When I'd told Jeb I had one more question, that was the truth. But the question was not for the Seeker. The question was for me.

The question was would I–not
could
I–do it?

I
could
save the Seeker's life. I knew how. It would not endanger any of the lives here. Except my own. I would have to trade that.

No.
Melanie tried to be firm through her panic.

Please let me think.

No.

This is the thing, Mel. It's inevitable anyway. I can see that now. I should have seen it long ago.

It's so obvious.

No, it isn't.

I remembered our conversation when Jamie was ill. When we were making up. I'd told her that I wouldn't erase her and that I was sorry that I couldn't give her more than that.

It wasn't so much a lie as it was an unfinished sentence. I couldn't give her more than that–and stay alive myself.

The actual lie had been given to Jared. I'd told him, just seconds later, that I didn't know how to make myself not exist. In the context of our discussion, it was true. I didn't know how to fade away, here inside Melanie. But I was surprised I hadn't heard the obvious lie right then, hadn't seen in that moment what I was seeing now. Of course I knew how to make myself not exist.

It was just that I had never considered that option viable, ultimate betrayal that it was to every soul on this planet.

Once the humans knew that I had this answer, the one they had murdered for over and over again, it would cost me.

No, Wanda!

Don't you want to be free?

A long pause.

I wouldn't ask you for this,
she finally said.
And I wouldn't do it for you. And I sure as hell
wouldn't do it for the Seeker!

You don't have to ask. I think I might have volunteered… eventually.

Why do you think that?
she demanded, her tone close to a sob. It touched me. I expected her to be elated.

In part because of them. Jared and Jamie. I can give them the whole world, everything they
want. I can give them
you.
I probably would have realized that… someday. Who knows? Maybe
Jared would have asked. You know I wouldn't have said no.

Ian's right. You're too self-sacrificing. You don't have any limits. You need limits, Wanda!

Ah, Ian,
I moaned. A new pain twisted through me, surprisingly close to my heart.

You'll take the whole world away from him. Everything he wants.

It would never work with Ian. Not in this body, even though he loves it. It doesn't love him.

Wanda, I…
Melanie struggled for words. Still, the joy I expected from her did not come. Again, this touched me.
I don't think I can let you do this. You're more important than that. In the
bigger picture, you are of much more value to them than I am. You can help them; you can save
them. I can't do any of that. You have to stay.

I can't see any other way, Mel. I wonder how I didn't see it sooner. It seems so completely
obvious.
Of course
I have to go.
Of course
I have to give you yourself back. I already knew we
souls were wrong to come here. So I don't have any choice now but to do the right thing, and
leave. You all survived without me before; you'll do it again. You've learned so much about the
souls from me–you'll help them. Can't you see? This is the happy ending. It's the way they all
need the story to finish. I can give them hope. I can give them… not a future. Maybe not that.

But as much as I can. Everything I can.

No, Wanda, no.

She was crying, becoming incoherent. Her sorrow brought tears to my eyes. I'd no idea that she cared so much for me. Almost as much as I cared for her. I hadn't realized that we loved each other.

Even if Jared had never asked me for this, even if Jared did not exist… Once this path had occurred to me, I would have had to proceed down it. I loved her that much.

No wonder the success rate for resistant hosts was so low here on Earth. Once we learned to love our human host, what hope did we souls have? We could not exist at the expense of one we loved. Not a soul. A soul could not live that way.

I rolled myself over and, in the starlight, I looked at my body.

My hands were dirty and scratched, but under the surface blemishes, they were beautiful. The skin was a pretty sun-browned color; even bleached in the pale light, it was pretty. The nails were chewed short but still healthy and smooth, with little half moons of white at the bases. I fluttered my fingers, watching the muscles pull the bones in graceful patterns. I let them dance above me, where they became black fluid shapes against the stars.

I ran them through my hair. It was almost to my shoulders now. Mell would like that. After a few weeks of shampoo in hotel showers and Health vitamins, it was glossy and soft again.

I stretched my arms out as far as they would go, tugging against the tendons until some of my joints cracked. My arms felt strong. They could pull me up a mountainside, they could carry a heavy load, they could plow a field. But they were also soft. They could hold a child, they could comfort a friend, they could love… but that was not for me.

I took a deep breath, and tears welled out of the corners of my eyes and rolled down my temples into my hair.

I tensed the muscles in my legs, felt their ready strength and speed. I wanted to run, to have an open field that I could race across just to see how fast I could go. I wanted to do this barefoot, so I could feel the earth beneath my feet. I wanted to feel the wind fly through my hair. I wanted it to rain, so that I could smell it in the air as I ran.

My feet flexed and pointed slowly, to the rhythm of my breathing. In and out. Flex and point. It felt nice.

I traced my face with my fingertips. They were warm on my skin, skin that was smooth and pretty. I was glad I was giving Melanie her face back the way it had been. I closed my eyes and stroked my eyelids.

I'd lived in so many bodies, but never one I loved like this. Never one that I craved in this way.

Of course, this would be the one I'd have to give up.

The irony made me laugh, and I concentrated on the feel of the air that popped in little bubbles from my chest and up through my throat. Laughter was like a fresh breeze–it cleaned its way through the body, making everything feel good. Did other species have such a simple healer? I couldn't remember one.

I touched my lips and remembered how it felt to kiss Jared, and how it felt to kiss Ian. Not everyone got to kiss so many other beautiful bodies. I'd had more than some, even in this short time.

It was just so short! Maybe a year now, I wasn't completely sure. Just one quick revolution of a blue green planet around an unexceptional yellow star. The shortest life of any I'd ever lived.

The shortest, the most important, the most heartbreaking of lives. The life that would forever define me. The life that had finally tied me to one star, to one planet, to one small family of strangers.

A little more time… would that be so wrong?

No,
Mell whispered.
Just take a little more time.

You never know how much time you'll have,
I whispered back.

But I did. I knew exactly how much time I had. I couldn't take any more time. My time was up.

I was going anyway. I had to do the right thing, be my true self, with what time I had left.

With a sigh that seemed to come all the way from the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands, I got up.

Aaron and Brandt wouldn't wait forever. And now I had a few more questions that I needed answered. This time, the questions were for Doc.

The caves were full of sad, cast-down eyes. It was easy enough to slip unobtrusively past them all. No one cared what I was doing right now, except maybe Jeb, Brandt, and Aaron, and they weren't here.

I didn't have an open, rainy field, but at least I had the long south tunnel. It was too dark to run flat out the way I wanted, but I kept up a steady jog. It felt good as my muscles warmed.

I expected I would find Doc already there, but I'd wait if I had to. He would be alone. Poor Doc, that was usually the case now.

Doc had been sleeping alone in his hospital since the night we'd saved Jamie's life. Sharon had taken her things from their room and moved them to her mother's, and Doc wouldn't sleep in the empty room.

Such a great hatred. Sharon would rather kill her own happiness, and Doc's, too, than forgive him for helping me heal Jamie.

Sharon and Maggie were barely a presence in the caves anymore. They looked past everyone now, the way they used to look past only me. I wondered if that would change when I was gone, or if they were both so rigid in their grudge that it would be too late for them to change.

What an extraordinarily stupid way to waste time.

For the first time ever, the south tunnel felt short. Before I thought I'd gone halfway, I could see Doc's light glowing dimly from the rough arch ahead. He was home.

I slowed myself to a walk before I interrupted him. I didn't want to scare him, to make him think there was an emergency.

He was still startled when I appeared, a little breathless, in the stone doorway.

He jumped up from behind his desk. The book he was reading fell out of his hands.

“Wanda? Is something wrong?”

“No, Doc,” I reassured him. “Everything's fine.”

“Does someone need me?”

“Just me.” I gave him a weak smile.

He walked around his desk to meet me, his eyes wide with curiosity. He paused half a step away and raised one eyebrow.

His long face was gentle, the opposite of alarming. It was hard to remember how he'd looked like a monster to me before.

“You are a man of your word,” I began.

He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but I held one hand up.

“No one will ever test that more than I will test it now,” I warned him.

He waited, eyes confused and wary.

I took a deep breath, felt it expand my lungs.

“I know how to do what you've been ending so many lives to discover. I know how to take the souls from your bodies without harm to either. Of course I know that. We all have to, in case of an emergency. I even performed the emergency procedure once, when I was a Bear.” I stared at him, waiting for his response. It took him a long moment, and his eyes grew wilder every second.