The Humans (13 page)

AIMEE

Who is this headless person?

BRIGID

Faceless
, she's got skin covering her eye sockets / and mouth—

Brigid, still miffed by Erik's tough love, goes to the kitchen area.

BRIGID

. . . yeah, and I hope she visits you tonight in your sleep and casts an evil spell / on you—

ERIK

Oh yeah, smart-ass?—

Erik stops Brigid and bear-hugs her, making her laugh involuntarily.

RICHARD

Last week I dreamed I fell into an ice-cream cone made of grass and became a baby.

BRIGID

Richard, / are you kidding me with the sharing . . .

RICHARD

What?—I can share it if I want / —I restarted my life . . .

BRIGID

You can, and I love you, / but when you share dreams in front of my family I become a crazy person—

AIMEE

Hey, why don't—all right, Lover-Of-All, come on, come with me, let's get rid of some of this . . .

RICHARD

You want help?

AIMEE

No, you're good, you boys keep talking . . .

They exit into the kitchen talking, carrying some of the food dishes. Richard's a bit embarrassed.

RICHARD

I got to re-boot my life, it was good . . .

ERIK

I dunno. Doing life twice sounds like the only thing worse than doing it once.

They drink. Audible-but-indecipherable conversation from Aimee and Brigid in the kitchen.

RICHARD

The cone was made out of grass from my backyard . . . ?

ERIK

     
(Smiling)

Out of / your backyard? . . .

RICHARD

. . . my backyard? . . . like it got twisted into an ice-cream cone? . . . in my head it was so normal . . .

They drink. Audible-but-indecipherable conversation from Aimee and Brigid in the kitchen.

ERIK

In mine there was this one other weird thing I . . . [remember] . . .

RICHARD

In your dream?

ERIK

     
(Nodding)

[Yeah] . . . I didn't bring it up with—

The girls already think I'm losing it, you know but—

the woman without a [face] . . .

she's trying to get me in this, like a tunnel?

RICHARD

Yeah? And what do you do?

ERIK

Uh . . . I don't move, I dunno . . .

Erik shrugs it off, not wanting it to seem like a big deal.

More audible-but-indecipherable conversation and laughs from Brigid and Aimee in the kitchen.

RICHARD

What's going on in there?

BRIGID

     
(Offstage)

None of your business!

They drink.

RICHARD

Tunnels are—in my class we got this list of primitive settings?—tunnels and caves, forests, the sea . . . stuff so a part of us it's . . . you know, two hundred thousand years ago . . . someone might've . . . closed their eyes and . . . seen a similar kind of [image] . . . ?

A mechanical
rumble
sounds from behind the basement door.

RICHARD

Trash compactor.

They drink. The
rumble
stops.

RICHARD

Get in it next time, / the tunnel . . .

ERIK

     
(Lighthearted)

Thanks, / I'll try that . . .

RICHARD

I mean tunnels can just be,

stuff hidden from yourself?

so passing through one . . . [I dunno] . . . could be . . .

a favorable omen . . . you know?

ERIK

Is it a fortune-telling school you're at? / —“a favorable omen”?—

RICHARD

     
(Smiling)

No . . . / no it is not . . .

ERIK

—you sure? You gonna bring out a crystal ball later?

Surreal jarring clank of pre-war pipes. The noise covers Deirdre opening the bathroom door.

The girls return from the kitchen, laughing.

RICHARD

     
(Regarding their laughing)

What?

AIMEE

We're conferring about . . . Mom's latest e-mail forward, / oh man . . .

UPSTAIRS
:
Deirdre stops in her tracks. We realize she can (most likely) hear their discussion.

AIMEE

     
(To Richard)

Rich, the subject line was: “PLEASE READ THIS” in all caps, all caps—so the e-mail got flagged by my IT department for being “potentially harmful” . . .

BRIGID

[Yeah], which was kinda prophetic.

RICHARD

Why—what did it say?

BRIGID

She forwarded a
Scientific American
article about how . . . nothing's solid; when you're touching a table, you're really feeling its molecules bouncing against—
we're
not even solid, we're, what . . . electrons / pushing back against everything . . . ?

AIMEE

Electrons, yeah . . . it also had vague religious overtones, there was a poem at the bottom in about ten fonts about how we already
are
a part of everything, how—

ERIK

Hey don't make fun of your mom, / no, I'm serious—

AIMEE

—it was like: “Happy Tuesday, oh and just FYI: at the subatomic level, everything is chaotic and unstable . . . love, Mom.”

ERIK

You have to start writing her back, okay? / I mean it . . . even to stuff like that . . .

AIMEE

You're right.

BRIGID

I know, I will . . .

So they won't know she's been listening, Deirdre walks to the bathroom door and shuts it again. Downstairs, they acknowledge the door shutting.

ERIK

. . . Rich, I hope you don't think the Blakes're [insensitive] . . . we're better than that, / we're drinking a bit too much here . . .

Deirdre is now descending the staircase. Momo moans a bit in her sleep.

MOMO

     
(Mumbled)

. . . you can never come black . . . / you can never come back you can never come back you can never come back you can never come back . . .

DEIRDRE

     
(To Erik, checking on Momo)

I got it, stay down . . .

Laundry-room noise sounds from behind the basement door.

BRIGID

That's the laundry room. That'll die down . . .

DEIRDRE

What kind of people would do laundry on Thanksgiving?

BRIGID

Mom, Chinese people.

The laundry-room noise dies down.

BRIGID

Having all this space makes it worth it . . . putting up with the noise.

AIMEE

     
(Clearing plates)

. . . you done, Mom?

AIMEE

Your “thought train”? / Yeah I'd say your thought train just got derailed . . .

BRIGID

Stop drinking, then . . .

AIMEE

. . . I'm gonna have to call you a car, unless . . .

BRIGID

But unless you camp out here for a few more hours—

RICHARD

Someone needs to explain the rules . . .

AIMEE

And then we each eat a piece of the peppermint for good luck.

RICHARD

That is the weirdest tradition—

DEIRDRE

Please,
that's
the weirdest . . . ? Wait until you spend a Christmas with us . . .

ERIK

She's threatening to invite all the Bhutanese in Scranton over for caroling.

DEIRDRE

Oh that's not a threat, honey, that's happening.

BRIGID

Here we go, why don't you start, babe.

RICHARD

Ah, now I'm nervous. Okay, uh . . .

     
(Small beat)

. . . this year I'm most thankful for falling in love with Brigid . . . and for . . . getting a new family in the process.

     
(Awwwws from everyone)

Now I . . . [smash the pig?] . . .

He takes the tiny mallet and smashes the pig.

BRIGID

     
(With love)

That was a terrible smash . . . / do it harder . . .

RICHARD

Well I don't know . . . you made me go first!

ERIK

Okay, well . . . I already gave one speech so lemme just say . . . I'm thankful for having your unconditional love and support. Hope there's nothing any of us could ever do to . . . change that . . . what we've got right here, 'cause this is what matters . . . this family . . .

He smashes the pig, passes the mallet to Deirdre. Aimee finds this toast a bit odd.

DEIRDRE

All right, well I'm with your dad and—it may sound cliché, but I'm thankful for the both of you . . .

Deirdre smashes the pig. She then hands the mallet to Brigid who passes it to Aimee.