The Illustrated Mum (24 page)

I could tell by her tone she thought I was joking.

“I'm good at haircuts, really. I've got proper hair-dressing scissors. Well … back at home I have.” My voice went a bit funny.

“He certainly could do with a good trim. He can barely see where he's going.”

“I think he'd look great with it really really short. It would make him look much tougher.”

“I think you'd better consult with his mum first,” said Aunty Jane.

“Can I fetch my scissors then?”

“Yes, pet, when we've got a moment.”

“I could give you a haircut too, if you like.”

“What, a punk style?” said Aunty Jane.

We both cracked up laughing.

I went back to her house without any more arguments. The babies had milk and runny boiled egg and Marmite sandwiches for their tea. I started off with the same but I'd never had Marmite before. I ladled it onto my bread, mistaking it for chocolate spread. I practically choked to death at my first bite. Aunty Jane was sympathetic even though I spat my mouthful right out on my plate. She understood I couldn't fancy anything else savory after that, so she made me two rounds of buttery toast spread with her own homemade strawberry jam. It was so good I golloped it down in no time. She made me two more slices, and then another two.

“You must think I'm the greediest girl in the whole world.”

“I think it's great. You need feeding up, poppet, you're just a little scrap.”

“My mum wasn't ever a great cook even when she was well,” I said, slowing down a little.

“She probably had more important things on her mind,” said Aunty Jane. “She sounds the artistic type. Your dad obviously thinks she's very special.”

I chewed thoughtfully.

“She
is
special,” I said. “She's just not all that great at doing mum things. Not like you.”

“What is she great at, your mum?” said Aunty Jane.

I thought hard, still chewing.

“She's great at imagining stuff.”

“Ah. Well, that's where I fall down. I can't imagine a bean. I could never make up a story to save my life.”

“I can,” I said.

“Then you take after your mum.”

“Does that mean I'm going to go mad like my mum too?”

“You don't miss a trick, do you? Don't be too challenging, lovie, I'm used to dealing with babies. Well … I think your legs are planted too firmly on the ground for you to lose your head, if you get my drift.”

I thought about my feet marching along the floor and wondered if my head could ever unscrew at the neck and spiral off on its own. I wondered if that was
the way it felt to Marigold. She seemed to think everyone else was crazy, not her at all. I wondered how she was getting on in the hospital. She was so angry with me. Maybe it would only make her worse if I went to visit her?

I started chewing all round my fingernails.

“Don't eat your fingers, sugar lump,” said Aunty Jane. “I can make more toast if you're still hungry.”

“Do you think Michael really will come?”

“I'm sure he will.”

“I'm not sure I want to go, though. Maybe my mum will be mean to me. She is sometimes.” I tried to sound matter-of-fact but my voice wobbled.

“That's because she's ill, sweetheart. Maybe the hospital will make her better. Don't you fret about it. Don't think about the mean times just now. Come and have a cuddle.”

“Do you know how mad I was?” I said indistinctly, my nose squashed up against Aunty Jane's big cushion chest. “I thought
you'd
be mean.”

“Ooh, I can be,” said Aunty Jane. She held me at arm's length and bared her teeth and growled until I got the giggles.

Michael was due to come at six o'clock. He came on the dot, right after
Neighbours
, just as Big Ben was chiming for the news on the telly.

“Here's your dad,” said Aunty Jane.

“Hello,” I said, feeling horribly shy.

He looked different. He was wearing a suit and his hair was neatly brushed. He looked a bit fierce at first but then I saw his eyes were still blinking a lot behind his glasses like a grown-up Oliver so I stopped feeling scared.

“Ready to visit your mum, Dolphin?” he said.

He sounded nervous too. We talked about her a bit on the way. He said he'd spoken to his doctor, who'd explained a lot about bipolar disorder.

“But of course she was just speaking in general terms. Marigold isn't an average sort of person. She's always been so different from anyone else.”

“Did you love her?” I asked, glad that we were driving so he had to keep his eyes on the road.

“I loved her very much,” said Michael.

“Do you still love her now?”

“Well. A lot of time's gone by. I love Meg now, and Grace and Alice. I've told them all about you and they can't wait to meet you.”

“You wish,” I said.

“No, it's true. Obviously, this has all been a bit sudden but we were wondering if you'd like to come this Sunday? If it's OK with your social worker and your foster mother? And you, of course?”

“Well …” I wondered if he
really
wanted me to come.

I peered at his profile. His eyes were blinking a lot. I
wondered if he'd ever love me. I wondered if I'd ever love him. It was weird thinking about it.

I forgot I hadn't given him an answer.

“I could take you swimming. But you don't have to come, not if you don't want to.”

“I'm not sure about the swimming,” I said. “But I'd like to come on Sunday. Please.”

It turned out the trip to the hospital was a waste of time. Marigold had been very upset earlier and now she was “having a rest.”

“They've tied her up in a straitjacket,” I said, but when I peeped round her cubicle curtains she was lying freely in her bed, her eyes closed, her bright hair fanned out on the pillow. All the screaming ink people were scrubbed off her arms.

“She looks peaceful now anyway,” said Michael, peeping too. “OK, we'll come back another time.”

I leant over Marigold and gave her pale cheek a kiss.

“I love you,” I whispered.

She stirred in her sleep and muttered something under her breath.

“No, it's not Star, it's Dolphin. Star loves you too,” I said, though saying it made my mouth feel as if I were sucking lemons.

Michael didn't take me straight home. He took me to McDonald's and bought me a milk shake and an ice cream.

“Which flavor sauce do you like, Dolphin? Alice and
Grace are chocolate girls but I'm crazy about butter-scotch.”

“Me too!”

We smiled shyly at each other. It was quite hard finding enough to say when we were licking our ice creams. He started on about school stuff. I had to hedge a bit.

“So you're not too keen on school?”

“Is anyone?”

“Grace
loves
school. She can't wait to get there in the morning. Alice is a bit more reluctant. She's a bit of a chat-terbox so she clowns around and gets told off. But she's very popular, even with the teachers.”

“So they're clever, Alice and Grace?”

“Quite clever, yes.”

“Star's clever. She's near the top of her class. Well, she was. But I'm not.” I took a deep breath. “I'm not too great at reading, actually.”

“You find stories a bit boring?”

“No, I like the stories. It's just the words. I can't read hard ones.”

“Ah.”

“I'm not thick. It's dyslexia. That's the proper word for it.”

“Right. Well, I could try and help, if you like. I listen to Grace and Alice while they do their reading.”

It looked as if it was going to be hard work hanging around with Michael. I didn't know which sounded worse, swimming lessons or reading sessions. But he
didn't seem the sort of man who could get really cross. He seemed OK. Quite nice. He wasn't all hip and glamorous like Micky. But maybe I didn't want a dad like that.

Michael took me back to Aunty Jane's and said he'd come for me on Sunday. Then I helped Uncle Eddie bathe the babies while Aunty Jane made his supper, and then I was allowed to tuck each one up in its cot. I even got Daryl to sleep by plugging his mouth with a pacifier and rocking him. Then Aunty Jane and Uncle Eddie and I had chicken and chips on trays in front of the television.

Aunty Jane made wonderful chips. She gave me a huge plateful. I was just daring to feel happy when the doorbell rang.

“Drat,” said Aunty Jane. “Who is it at this time?”

My tummy went tight. I put my knife and fork down. I wondered what had happened. I started biting my fingers.

I heard Aunty Jane and Lizzie out in the hall. Aunty Jane called me.

“You'll never guess who's here, Dolphin!”

Star was standing in the hall. She looked prettier than ever, her lovely blond hair braided into little plaits tied with beads and colored threads‘and she had a diamond stud sparkling in her nose.

We ran to each other and hugged as hard as we could. Aunty Jane smiled and Uncle Eddie went all watery-eyed and had to blow his nose. Lizzie leapt in quick and asked if they'd mind having Star too, just for a few days, until everything could be properly sorted out for both of us.

So Star and I ended up sharing Mark's bed. I cried a bit and she did too and then we went to sleep curled up together. I breathed in her sweet powdery smell and wound one of her silky plaits round my finger and she cuddled in to me and held on to me so tightly she made little bruises on my arms, real fingermarks.

It was different in the morning when all the explanations started. Star woke me up by giving me a thump on the shoulder.

“
Why
wouldn't you switch the new phone on?” she said. “I was so worried about you. I was scared something had happened. It was so mean of you to smash the first phone and then tell all those lies and then not even
use
the new phone. I didn't know what had happened. I felt I was going to go crazy worrying. I even got Micky to send
another
phone just in case the last one got lost in the post. He kept telling me that you and Marigold were just mad at me and deliberately trying to make me worry and that I should just stay cool and enjoy my time with him but I couldn't. It all got spoilt, Micky and me. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? You couldn't let me have a bit of happiness just for myself.”

“I can't believe you're saying all this rubbish,” I said. I thumped her back. “Don't you dare get angry with me!
You're
the one who walked out on me and left me with Marigold at her absolute worst. You didn't care. She really went crazy, she practically beat me up. It's
true
. Then she painted herself all over and I was so scared that I had to call an ambulance. Why should I answer your stupid phone when you won't listen to me or come back to help me and you won't even give me Micky's stupid number?
I
didn't muck up your time with him. Look, I don't need you anymore. I've got my own life, a whole new life just for me. What makes you think you've got the right to barge in here? This is
my
foster home, not yours. I had to get it all
sorted out because you left me. When Marigold went into hospital I didn't have anyone.
You
didn't care, just so long as you could stay with your precious Micky.”

“I did care. I got so that I couldn't even think straight. I started to act stupid. Micky was very sweet about it, ever so understanding, but that Sîan started saying stuff, forever getting at me. I don't know what Micky sees in her. She just hung around all the time, she'd never leave us on our own. We ended up having this huge row. It was all too much hassle for Micky. He said he'd drive me all the way home just so as I could check up on you. Then you weren't there, Marigold wasn't there. I just about went crazy. Mrs. Luft told me Marigold had been taken to hospital and she said you'd gone off with your dad. That was the worst thing ever because you haven't
got
a dad.”

“I have too. I've got my
own
dad. I found him all by myself. Well, with Oliver. He's great, my dad. He keeps coming to see me. He's invited me round to his place on Sunday. He takes me to see Marigold in the hospital.”

“How could you have sent her to the hospital? You know how she feels about them. Why couldn't you have looked after her just for a bit till I came back?”

“I didn't think you were
ever
coming back. I had to do something. She'd covered herself all over with paint and then she just stood there and she wouldn't talk to
me or anything. She went really really mad and I didn't know what else to do.”

“You said she went mad before but you were just making it up to get me to come back.”

“Are you saying I'm a liar?”

“Yes. Liar liar liar!”

I got hold of a fistful of her little plaits and yanked them hard. She jerked herself free and kicked me so that I nearly tumbled out of bed. I clenched my fists and tried to hit her.

“Mind my diamond!” she shrieked.

“You think it looks so cool but it looks
stupid
.”

“Well, you
always
look stupid. I'm so sick of being stuck with you.”

“So clear off, why don't you? Rush back to your precious Micky. I don't need you anymore.”

“Right. I will. Today. Fine,” Star declared, but she didn't sound convincing.

“He doesn't want you anymore, does he?”

“Yes he does! Of course he does. It's just …”

“He's got fed up with you just the way he got fed up with Marigold.”

“No, stop it. Shut up, you hateful little cow. He
does
want me. He's coming back for me. You'll see. Don't you dare say he won't.”

She slapped me right across the face. I slapped her back, knocking her sore nose. Then we were really fighting, rolling over and over until we both fell off the
bed and then hitting and kicking as we struggled on the carpet.

“Girls! Girls! For heaven's sake, look at the pair of you. Stop it this instant!” Aunty Jane was standing in the doorway in her vast quilted dressing gown.

We stopped, puffing and panting, scarlet with rage.

“Dear goodness, are you the same sisters who fell asleep in each other's arms like the Babes in the Wood?” said Aunty Jane, sitting down on the floor between us. She tried to put her arms round both of us. I was glad when Star flinched away, tossing her plaits. She was
my
Aunty Jane and I didn't want to share her.