The Imperfection of Swans (30 page)

KEVIN

HE’D ORIGINALLY
thought they’d be open by midsummer, but July had arrived, and they were at least a month out before they could even consider it.

He never dreamed they’d have so much trouble deciding when to open. Not that it was simply due to being indecisive. There was a glitch in everything they’d tried to do.

After they had the sections paneled off for each of the designers, which consisted of a changing room, sitting area, and mirror, they’d hung up all seven of the collections. Kevin had gone to bed on cloud nine. The shop was more beautiful than he’d imagined. And to see all those gowns hung truly felt like a dream come true. He and Casper had woken up the next morning, cooked breakfast, and came down to find three of the collections on the ground. They’d chosen the wrong metal bars and installed them incorrectly. Each had damaged the partitions as they fell, so those had to be fixed, they needed to redo the hardware for every design section, and somehow one of Devina Malloy’s dresses had gotten ripped. Kevin lied to her and told her they’d sold the sample dress to a bride who couldn’t wait to order a custom fit. That dress alone cost him an extra two and a half thousand dollars.

While all the lights were beautiful, when they were all on in all three floors, the master breaker kept flipping off. After the electrician came to inspect, he realized their mistake. That fix was free, but it took two weeks to get in the replacement parts. Two weeks! Maybe deliveries had reverted back to the horse-and-buggy method.

The owner of the sushi restaurant a block and a half away had served them with papers stating that they couldn’t serve food at that location, as it would infringe on his business. Kevin had completely broken down that evening. One of the worst panic attacks he’d had in years. All their work, and it would come to nothing. Casper had been irritated about it, but laughed it off. He said that it happened from time to time, that it was just some people’s way of being a jackass. As they weren’t planning on serving sushi, all they had to do was submit paperwork and prove that their intent was wedding bakery items, not raw fish. Casper hadn’t seemed worried at all. And while maybe he didn’t need to be, it still was another hoop to jump through, and more waiting until they got the approval to proceed, which Casper assured him they would. Still, it chipped away even more time.

Kevin was on the verge of another panic attack hours after the sushi-induced episode, certain that Casper was going to bolt now that he’d seen him lose control. Casper handled Kevin’s break with the ease that he seemed to approach every situation.

And through it all, Kevin was on fire.

“ONE SALESGIRL
told me that I wouldn’t want a veil because it might get caught on my bindi and get damaged.” Charu goggled her eyes at them from where she sat on the new love seat.

“You’re kidding!” Casper gawked at her.

“Oh.” Kevin looked back and forth between the two friends, feeling lost. “That was… huh.”

Charu nodded in Kevin’s direction. “Right? Thank you. And”—she leaned forward as if getting ready to tell a secret, but her voice rose in volume—“she told me that I’d want to quit eating curry at least six weeks before the wedding so that the smell wouldn’t seep from my skin into the dress. I don’t even like curry!”

Casper threw back his head and laughed.

“Oh no! I’m not done. I’ve saved the best part!” Charu waited until both Casper and Kevin were looking directly at her. “She also said that I’d want to make sure that the skirt was full enough to straddle”—Charu raised her fingers and motioned air quotes—“her word, not mine,
straddle
the cow as I ride it down the aisle.
Then
she asked if we eat the cow at the reception.”

Tears were streaming down Casper’s face. “Oh. My. God.”

“I know! Insane!” Charu nodded and glanced at Kevin, apparently waiting for a bigger reaction.

Kevin cringed apologetically. “Okay, I get that she was saying something offensive about Indian culture with the cow thing, obviously you’re not going to ride the cow and then eat it. That would just be tacky. But what’s a bindi?”

And that really made Casper lose control.

Charu shook her head and smiled, then addressed Casper as she motioned her thumb at Kevin. “Where did you get this one?”

Once Casper was able to get enough air, he grinned over at Kevin. “A bindi is a dot or jewel that some Indian women wear on their forehead. Even if Charu took part in that practice, she could still wear a veil.”

“I’d hate to think what movies that girl has been watching to come up with that picture of Indian culture.” Charu made a grand gesture, taking in the recently nearly completed dressing area. “And that place was so not cute compared to this.”

“So you’re saying Kevin shouldn’t make sweeping and incorrect cultural assumptions based on the client’s skin tone.” Casper put a hand on Kevin’s knee. “I bet you can handle that, right, babe?”

Charu grabbed his other knee. “And never,
never
, comment about how a woman smells!” She glanced down, squeezing his knee once more. “Good Lord, Kevin, you are skinny! I need to buy you a cheeseburger.”

He felt his face flush, and he tried to think of a distraction.

Thankfully, Casper provided. Kevin almost thought it was intentional, his tone suddenly stern, despite the words. “Well, Charu, I think you win the best story of the wedding dress shopping adventures. The most anyone else has come up with was snobby and rude salespeople. Though some of those were unbelievable as well.”

“That’s the strange thing. This girl was really sweet and nice, or at least thought she was. She had no idea she was offensive. She really thought she was being helpful.” Charu looked back at Kevin. “So, yes, stay away from racial profiling and you’ll be fine.”

“Since you’ll be right above me, you can keep me on track.” Kevin tried to feel the Xanax in his pocket without being obvious. He needed to take it, but didn’t want to draw attention. He’d already been feeling edgy; being so close to done and having to sit and talk was making him crazy enough, but Charu’s comment about his weight had put him over the edge. “I really appreciate you going undercover for us.”

“Oh, no problem. It was actually a lot of fun. Probably won’t try on another wedding dress for the next forty years.” A buzz sounded, and Charu pulled out her phone.

Kevin felt Casper’s gaze on him. He glanced over.

With a nod, Casper subtly motioned toward Kevin’s hand rubbing over the pill, then mouthed, “Are you okay?”

Kevin shook his head. He hated the instant worry and stress that covered Casper’s face.

After Charu had responded to the text, Casper stood. “I’m going to steal you from Kevin for a bit. Wanna come check out some new designs I’ve been thinking of? I need your editing eye.”

“You bet.” Charu got up from the love seat with a little wave at Kevin and followed Casper toward the stairway. “Are you closer to an opening date? I’m not sure I can wait much longer.”

And on that note, Kevin needed two pills.

There had been periods before when his acid reflux would threaten to boil him alive, but he couldn’t remember it lasting for so long. He longed for the constant burning of the past; it was nothing compared to what his body was putting him through now. He’d felt like he was drinking acid for weeks.

So, when were they going to open? When should Charu give notice? When should they send out invitations for the grand opening of Bella Dolce, and what date should they put on those?

The fuck if he knew!

No sooner had Casper and Charu disappeared to the bakery than Kevin rushed to the gorgeous new bathroom, already chewing the Xanax to bits, and collapsed on the floor in wracking sobs, unable to get a full breath. He at least managed to get the door shut before completely falling apart.

Though it felt like hours, it was less than five minutes before the bathroom door opened.

He’d gotten it shut, but not managed to lock it. Kevin rushed up to push it closed again.

Casper’s soft whisper cut through his panic before he’d slammed it shut. “It’s just me, Kev.”

Kevin let him come in, though he hated Casper seeing him like this. “Char—” He gulped in air. “Ch—”

Casper sat on the floor with him. Not touching him, but close enough that Kevin could reach for him if he needed. “She’s working on the designs upstairs. I told her I needed a few minutes with you.” Kevin could hear the attempt at humor in his voice, but didn’t look up. “I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m giving you a blow job right now. She won’t risk coming down for a bit.”

Kevin just nodded, still attempting to breathe.

Within four minutes, he was in Casper’s arms, some oxygen was starting to get through, and his shaking began to slow.

“I’M SORRY
about today.”

“Kev, for the last time, you don’t need to apologize.” Casper shifted in bed, propping himself up on an elbow. “Don’t add to the pressure by worrying about me. I love you. This isn’t going to scare me away.”

Kevin flinched, his heart jumping both in fear and joy.

Casper’s eyes grew wide. “Oh. Shit.”

They stared at each other, Kevin too surprised to be able to speak.

“Please don’t let that freak you out. I didn’t mean to just drop the L word like that.” Casper reached over to touch Kevin, but then drew his hand back.

Kevin sat up, his adrenaline spiking, in a pleasurable way for once, and he took Casper’s hand in his own. “I love you too, Casper.”

He sighed, then repeated it as much for himself as for Casper. “I love you.”

That felt great. He’d been worried about saying it for weeks. Worried it was too soon. That it would look weak. That after he said it, he would freak out and run.

He didn’t feel like that at all.

A hesitant smile crossed Casper’s face. “You don’t have to say it back. Just because—”

“Casper, shut up!” God, he was cute when he was nervous. And after feeling overexposed all day, it was a relief to see Casper at a loss.

“Well, I didn’t want to say it too soon.”

“Me either.” Kevin let out a little laugh. “Which I guess is stupid. We did everything else too fast.”

“Right. Going into business with me before you tried my food.”

Kevin shrugged. “Well, there is that, but I was thinking more along the lines of hooking up two weeks after I broke up with my ex-husband and even before our first date.”

“I kinda love that, actually.” Casper smoothed the back of Kevin’s hand with his thumb.

“You know, I think I do too.” Kevin did a quick internal check.

Nope. Not close to a freak-out.

No pill needed.

Casper’s grin widened. “So, when did you know?”

Kevin snorted. “Really? We’re going to do that?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Good Lord, you’re a cheeseball.”

“Yeah, but you like it.”

He was right. Kevin did like it. “Fine. If we have to, let’s do it fast. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.”

Casper rolled his eyes. “I swear, you can be such an—”

“Yeah, but you like it. Now quit prolonging this.” Kevin winked at him. “I think, for me, it started in the hospital. With you sitting beside the bed. It was the first time I’d seen your face, really stopped and saw your face. However, the real moment was on the swan boats. Being with you just made everything calm. Easy to breathe.”

Casper gave a melting expression.

“If you cry about that, I’m taking it back.”

“Such an ass.” Casper chuckled.

Even Casper’s laugh made him feel peaceful. He really did love him. Had for a while. “I think it’s your turn.”

Casper let out a sigh. “Well, I know you’re not going to believe it, you’ll think it’s cliché or something. But I think I’ve loved you from the night we met. Granted, you are gorgeous, so that got my attention, but it was really hearing about what you were planning on doing with your dream. You were making this huge leap and determined to really go for it, to live life. It made you even more beautiful.”

Kevin’s own eyesight began to blur.

“Of course, the clincher was seeing you try on those wedding dresses.”

Kevin barked out a laugh. “Oh, thanks for bringing that up!”

“No, I’m serious!” Casper took Kevin’s other hand. “You’ve never been more beautiful. You weren’t worried about what anyone else was thinking. You weren’t overanalyzing. You were just having fun, being yourself, and really being Kevin.”

“So you’re telling me you want me to wear more wedding dresses?”

Casper shook his head, chuckling. “If you want to. I’ll take you however you come.”

His words brought Kevin back down. Casper had already proven that sentiment in their few weeks together. Kevin had never felt safer with anyone, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle losing that. “I can’t promise the anxiety will ever go away. I might always have to—”

Casper cut him off. “Kev, baby, I’m not asking for it to. I wish it for you, but it’s not a deal breaker for me.”

Those words sounded so good. Too good. “You say that now, but—”

“I’m not a kid, and not new to any of this. I know relationships are nearly as much pain sometimes as pleasure. Maybe more. But you’re worth the stressful parts. I want to do this with you. All of this.”

Kevin almost believed him. Actually, he did believe him. Casper meant it, Kevin could see that clearly. But he didn’t know everything. Nobody knew everything. He wanted to tell him so badly in that moment. It was on the tip of his tongue. It was right there. He could feel it. He could just open his mouth and tell Casper everything.

And ruin it all.

“So we love each other, huh?” Casper’s gentle voice broke through the rising panic.

“Yeah. We do.”

“So, uh, do you think we should maybe kiss or something?”

Had he ever been this happy before? Ever? “Yes. Please.”

AS CASPER
moved inside him, after so much kissing before, Kevin realized that if he lost this, there would be no recovery. No pill would deaden the pain enough. No wedding shop dream would be able to glow, no matter how many times he polished the floors and tin ceilings.