The Imperfection of Swans (33 page)

He’d find it.

CASPER HADN’T
expected it to be so easy in the mass of tall, narrow Victorians, but it was. He’d only gone halfway up the curving hill road when he spotted Kevin’s car in one of the driveways. One look at the house itself confirmed it. While not lavish or more ornate than its neighbors, everything, from the painted walls to flowers along the sidewalk to how the grass was mowed, was perfect. Seamless and beautiful. It seemed Kevin hadn’t fallen too far from the tree, but Casper had already figured that out.

He’d started to cry on the way to JP, but had quickly gotten ahold of himself. If the conversation the night before had pushed Kevin too far, the last thing he needed was Casper showing up an emotional basket case.

The walk from his car to the front door seemed like half a mile, but he was relieved to see his hand didn’t tremble as he reached out to ring the bell.

His heart leapt as the door swung open, then fell once more when it wasn’t Kevin who answered.

Noelle’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh, Casper. We weren’t expecting you.” Her smile was forced, which was an expression he hadn’t seen on her before. She looked sad.

“I know. I’m sorry to drop in, Noelle, but I was hoping to speak to Kevin.” His voice, like his hand, didn’t shake. Good.

Noelle’s lips moved, but no sound emerged. Nervous. She looked sad and nervous.

Renata appeared behind Noelle’s shoulder. “Casper.” She didn’t wait for a greeting. “I’m sorry, but Kevin doesn’t wish to see you right now.”

He waited for a heartbeat. Was she serious? “Pardon?”

“Kevin doesn’t want to see you. You need to leave.”

Noelle glanced over at her wife with narrowed eyes.

Nope. He hadn’t heard wrong.

Of all the things he’d prepared for, getting cut off at the front door by Kevin’s moms hadn’t been one of them. He hesitated.

Renata spoke up again. “Casper, you need to leave. Kevin will contact you when he is ready.”

The one emotion he hadn’t experienced, or at least let himself experience in the past many hours, showed up, also unexpected. “Actually, then I will just wait on the porch.” He motioned toward the opposite end. “I’ll be on the swing when he’s ready.”

Renata moved to step past Noelle. “You need to go home, Casper. If you don’t, I will consider it trespassing and call the police.”

“Renata!” Noelle gaped at her.

Renata started to speak, but Noelle spoke up first.

“We will
not
be calling the police.” She attempted a smile at Casper. “Just have a seat on the swing, dear. I’ll bring you an iced tea in a bit.”

“You most certainly—”

Noelle shut the door before he could hear the rest of Renata’s words. He hated to be the cause of stress between them, but he was too angry to really care.

After weaving around the porch furniture, Casper took a seat on the swing and pulled out his phone. He opened the texts between himself and Kevin.

I am on the porch and I’m not leaving until we talk. Get your ass down here.

He hit send, then started a new one instantly.

And I love you.

Though he didn’t know where Kevin slept at his moms’ house, he could have sworn he heard Kevin’s phone chime from somewhere above him. Probably just his imagination.

In about three minutes, Noelle, good to her word, emerged from the house with a large glass of iced tea and a small plate with three pariell cookies, red and green sprinkles covering the white icing.

The blaze of sunset had faded, and the sky was growing dark, a soft deep blue filling the world outside the porch. It suited the mood inside the protection of the porch as well.

Despite his frame of mind, he couldn’t help but grin at her. “Even in summer?”

“I’ve been baking all afternoon. And it seemed that today could use a little Christmas.” Though not whispering, she kept her voice low. “Please forgive Renata. We haven’t seen Kevin like this in years. Maybe never quite like this. She’s just scared.” Noelle began to turn away, then paused. “Casper?”

Casper shifted his gaze to meet hers.

“Don’t give up on him. You’re the one who can really love him.”

This time, his voice shook. “I know I am.”

She smiled sadly and went back inside.

Casper had to force himself to eat two of the cookies, which was an unusual sensation. He was sure they were delicious, but he couldn’t taste a thing. The last thing he was going to risk, however, was hurting Noelle’s feelings.

Ten minutes later, he texted again.

I wasn’t kidding. I’m not leaving. I love you, and you need to grow up and get down here.

TWO MINUTES
later, Kevin stepped onto the porch, shutting the door behind him.

He hesitated, then moved toward the swing.

Some of Casper’s anger left at the sight of him. He couldn’t believe that it was even possible for Kevin to look so bad. Most of the time, he looked younger than Casper did, but the man walking toward him looked closer to fifty than forty. The light of energy that was usually so palpable around Kevin was nowhere to be seen. As Kevin sat on the swing, it took all Casper’s force of will to keep from taking Kevin in his arms and comforting him.

A little voice from past days with Josh’s alcoholism began whispering warnings.

Casper kept his voice low enough that if the moms were listening inside, they wouldn’t get much of a show.

“Kev, I know something is up, obviously, but I don’t care what it is. We are not in middle school. I am not running away from your moms while you hide in your room.”

Kevin winced at the words, the deepening shame aging him further.

Casper should probably stop, but he hadn’t been very good at that lately. “And the silent treatment over the phone? Not returning calls, not texting back? You will never do that to me again.”

Kevin glanced up, some anger of his own flashing toward Casper. “I said I couldn’t do this. That’s pretty obvious. There was nothing more to say.” There was also a hint in his voice that he’d had at least one drink.

Josh’s whispers echoed once more.

Casper wanted to scream. He was angrier at that moment than at any point with the fucking idiot roommates. He managed to keep silent. Forced himself to look at Kevin. See the man he loved behind the mask of pain and stress. Behind the childish behavior.

For the first time, a bit of doubt crept in beside his mantra of fate.

Meant to be? Meant to be with a man who ran home to his moms and cried in his bed?

He’d given Kevin his heart. He’d signed on for a business that could cost him everything.

He’d jumped in and given every bit of himself to this man. He’d held nothing back.

Kevin hadn’t asked him to, though, had he? Not for any of it. Not the cash. Not the love.

Not his heart.

But he had it. Kevin had it all.

Maybe Casper was stupid. Maybe fate was stupid.

Maybe both of those things were true.

Maybe nothing he believed and trusted about fate was real.

He took Kevin’s hand, a gesture he’d made so many times that it already felt natural and automatic. Kevin looked up, his bloodshot eyes both wary and hurting.

“I wanted you to be honest last night, babe, so I’ll give the same courtesy.” Kevin’s gaze had darted away, and Casper waited until it returned. “I want to run away from this right now. From you, from everything. I’m angry and mad. And scared.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand.
When the fuck did I become such a crybaby?
“But I love you. And I’m going to choose to believe that I was right. That fate was right. And, to be even more honest, I don’t know if any of that was real either. Maybe I just made up all the fate shit to make myself brave. Or stupid. But I don’t care. I love you. I am choosing to love you. Fate or not. We’ll hug it out, right? That’s what we agreed.”

Kevin stared at him, expressionless, only shaking his head slightly.

Casper wasn’t sure if Kevin had understood him at all. “What happened today?”

Again Kevin just stared, for so long that Casper decided he wasn’t going to reply. He wasn’t sure what he could do if Kevin wasn’t willing to even speak or do anything.

“I had an attack at the gym.” Kevin’s voice was strained, distant. “Worst I’ve had in a long time. Couldn’t get to my pills.” He raised his free arm, displaying scrapes over his elbow and forearm. “Ended up partially under my car in the gym parking garage.” He snorted derisively. “Good partner you chose, huh?”

All of Casper’s anger vanished. From the power of some of the attacks he’d helped Kevin through, he couldn’t imagine much worse. And without his pills. And, while he was less of a psychologist than Oprah, he knew enough to be certain that their conversation the night before had been the cause.

And he had no fucking clue what he was supposed to do, or what to say. How to fix it.

Kevin pulled his hand free and shrugged. When he spoke, his voice was louder. Angrier. “So, that’s what happened. I broke. And, yeah, I came here and hid behind my moms like a little bitch. And I didn’t want to fucking talk on the phone or see what I can’t have.”

“Me? You couldn’t have me? Kev, baby, you have me. I love you.” He reached for Kevin’s hand again.

Kevin jerked his hand away. “Quit fucking saying that. You loved that other Kevin. This isn’t him. Not anymore.”

There was a detached look in Kevin’s eyes that made it hard for Casper to disagree.

“Listen, Kev. We opened… I opened a bucket of worms last night. I’m sure that’s what caused this. We could see about getting you a therapist. Maybe we could—”

“A therapist? Really?” Kevin stood up from the swing. “Yeah, maybe I need a fucking therapist. I bet I do. Obviously crazy enough for one.” He motioned at his cut arm. “And this is who you want? This is who you want to
hug it out
with? Maybe I’m not the only one who needs a therapist.”

Casper felt near to a panic himself. He stood, starting to move closer.

Kevin held out a hand. “No. Stop. I don’t want to do this.”

And Casper stood there, having no idea what to do or say as Kevin crossed over the porch, walked back into the house, and shut the door.

KEVIN

WITH THE
amount of Xanax Kevin had taken over the past two and a half days, he worried that his doctor wouldn’t renew his prescription when he ran out way ahead of schedule. It was going to be even more obvious than usual that he wasn’t exactly following the dosage on the label. However, as a result, he’d only had one more panic attack. At least, one
full-blown
panic attack. He didn’t want to count the others. And while the amount of chemical assistance coursing through his blood was keeping him from staying in a fetal position on the floor of his bathroom, his brain was foggy, he was moving slowly, and he didn’t feel like himself in the slightest.

Which, he supposed, was the point. So, well done.

Returning to the brownstone the day after ending things with Casper, after Casper had arrived on his moms’ porch, had been the most terrifying thing he’d ever done.

Ever.

Regardless of how scary it was, how much it hurt, how much the idea of seeing Casper made Kevin want to take three bottles of pills alongside a bottle of vodka, there was business to be done. And, through it all, he’d never not been able to work and get goals accomplished.

However, he’d never had to work in the same building with someone he was in love with and couldn’t have.

Kevin had to turn on music to avoid the slight noises Casper made as he baked. He had never even noticed the noise before. But now it was like each sound was a taunt of everything he couldn’t have.

On Casper’s part, Kevin was rather impressed. He left Kevin alone.

Kevin had expected Casper to have a speech prepared. To try to convince him that he wasn’t really that broken, that they could still have what they’d had before their little bedtime chat the other night.

Instead, whenever Casper saw him for the first time over the past three mornings, he would simply smile at him before returning to the bakery.

A smile that screamed
I love you.

And Kevin believed Casper did. It was easy to see.

Casper looked horrible and exhausted. He appeared as if he’d taken a lesson from Kevin’s playbook and stopped eating. Or sleeping.

There was no doubt that Casper James loved him. More than anyone before, besides his mothers. And now Casper knew more about him than Kevin’s mothers. But that was the point. Casper had heard the words, but he hadn’t been able to really see. When he proclaimed love, he saw the image Kevin had spent a lifetime creating. Even hearing the truth hadn’t shattered the illusion.

And, honestly, how could Kevin expect otherwise? Even he had believed his creation to be who he really was. He’d been a fool. The truth had been in front of him all along; he’d only been playing pretend. But now that he’d seen the truth, he couldn’t unsee it.

Every time he looked in the mirror, there she was.