The Impressionist (2 page)

“Change!” I yelled back. “What do you mean? …Oh, you mean me, right? I’ve got to change?”

“Hey, if the shoe fits!”

“The problem is you’re impossible! I can’t please you no matter what I do!”

Paige took a moment to regain her composure and then smiled sadly through her pain. “You should take some lessons from Eric,” she said calm and calculating. “It’s so obvious how much he loves
his
Carolyn.”

“Eric?” I shook my head in disbelief. “You gotta be kidding me? The guy’s a wuss! And it’s not exactly like you’re in competition for the World’s Greatest Wife Award! Maybe you could take some lessons from Carolyn…maybe join her fitness class. It’s definitely working for her!”

The moment those poisonous darts shot out of my mouth, I wished I could have pulled them back. Before my eyes, I watched my wife go limp as the deadly toxin took effect. Then the tears burst free and flowed down her cheeks, her expression no longer of anger but of defeat and devastation, of hurt. Paige collapsed into a kitchen table chair and buried her head into her hands.

“I’m tired Adam,” she said through broken sobs. “I’ve had enough. I want out. I’ve got to get out.”

It took a moment for the full impact of her words to register in my brain. These were words I’d never heard before, words that Paige had never uttered, not in the entire nineteen years of our marriage. Yes, we’d argued before, done the dance, but it had never come to this. This time a line had been crossed. Issues and feelings that had been percolating for years had finally boiled to the surface. Staggering under the weight of her words, a panic began to seize me.

“You don’t really mean that,” I plead while reaching out to touch her arm. “I’m tired too, honey. We’re both worn out. Be reasonable. Let’s just talk about this later when we’re not upset. I wasn’t thinking, just reacting.”

“Don’t touch me!” She yanked her arm back, recoiling away from me as if she’d been burned. “Leave me alone!”

“All right,” I said stepping back gingerly. I leaned against the counter with my arms folded across my chest, not knowing what to do. “If that’s what you really want…for now.”

“Oh trust me, Adam. It’s what I want!” She dabbed her eyes with the dish towel she was holding. “Right now what I want is to be as far away from you as possible!”

Feeling the knife twisting in my gut, out of nowhere, I blurted out desperately. “God hates divorce!”

“Really, Adam?” she spat. “I didn’t know that! God also hates husbands being jerks!”

Realizing my mouth had already done way too much damage, I fought the urge to lash out again. Nervously, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, looking at her. Paige laid her head down on the table and closed her eyes like every bit of energy had been drained from her. An awkward silence filled the kitchen magnifying the everyday sounds around us. Water dripped slowly from the faucet, echoing off the stainless steel sink, while the refrigerator hummed. Birds chirped outside the window and dogs barked in the distance.

“There’s something else I need to tell you,” Paige eventually said. “The timing stinks, but it’s important.”

“Fire away,” I replied. “It can’t get any worse.”

“Yes it can,” she moaned. “Josh is using again.”

“What!” I pounded my fist against the granite counter-top. “I thought his tests have been clean?”

“Apparently he’s been lying to us. He’s been using synthetic marijuana that’s undetectable to most tests. They changed tests. The principal called. They also found pills in his locker—Xanax.”

“Xanax?”

“Yes, so he’s suspended again. They haven’t decided if they are going to expel him. The handbook calls for expulsion and he could go to jail, Adam!”

“Ugh…what’s wrong with that kid! What happened to my boy?” I said, my rage rising. “He’s been playing us this whole time! And you were planning on telling me this when?”

“I didn’t call you because I knew how upset you’d get and Josh begged me not to say anything until you got back in town. I was going to tell you first thing this morning but…”

“And you obliged him! I’m your husband, his father!”

“You’re never around anyway.”

“That’s low Paige!” I slammed my heel against the cabinet. “It’s all on me, how convenient.”

She flinched. “Stop slamming things!”

“You’re the one who’s always complaining about the money!” I threw my hands up and made a beeline out the kitchen toward Josh’s room. “It’s past ten and he’s still sleeping! Get ready to call  cause he’s gonna need an ambulance when I’m finished with him!”

Paige jumped up from the table and ran after me. “Adam! STOP!”

Already in the hallway, I turned around. “What now!”

“You’re too angry!”

“Oh no, I’m angry,” I said. “You wanted me worked up— well you got it!”

“Don’t say or do something you’ll regret! Please!”

I moved to ignore her.

“I’ll call the cops, Adam! I swear I will!” Her eyes locked onto mine, narrowing. Gone were the tears, now replaced with fire, a mother’s fire.

Believing her every word, I stopped dead in my tracks only a few feet from Josh’s bedroom door contemplating. The simmering rage inside of me was at the point of eruption. With clinched teeth and fists, my temples and neck throbbed. I’d never considered myself a violent person but things were changing fast. At any second I was going to blow and the harm caused from the shrapnel would not be pretty. “Aaaaaaahhhhh!” I screamed so loudly, I was sure every neighbor on the block could hear it. Blowing past Paige, I bolted out the front door slamming it behind me. With my hands shoved deep into my jean pockets, I exploded on a half-deflated soccer ball that was laying in the front yard. The second it launched from my foot I realized it had become a projectile that could do serious damage to something or someone. Once again, I’d reacted before thinking. Fortunately, the ball arched in the air and across two driveways eventually rolling to a stop underneath a neighbor’s minivan. “Safe from at least one lawsuit,” I mumbled as I stormed down the street.

There was a crisp, fall breeze stirring the leaves that Saturday morning. It was a great day to get some air. If my head hadn’t been so clouded with anger maybe I could’ve enjoyed it. Still, I had to get away and driving was out of the question because I’d probably run over somebody! I knew one thing for sure. I didn’t want to go back in that house. So I walked. It just so happens that our neighborhood is located about six or so blocks from Indian Mounds City Park. Unusually nice, it’s the city’s biggest one and a much-needed reprieve from the concrete jungle. It had been one of the perks for us moving to the area. Wearing an old pair of Nike running shoes, my favorite UM sweatshirt, and too upset to do anything else, that’s where I headed.

Indian Mounds boasts of numerous paved trails weaving throughout a canopy of trees and gardens with periodic fitness stops along the way. The main trail circles around a tranquil sixty-acre lake complete with an assortment of duck and geese. On any given day a plethora of die-hard fishermen line the banks casting their lines. During the summer months, wind surfers and small sailboats abound. Dotted strategically around the area are playgrounds and picnic tables with barbeque pits. At the park’s entrance there’s a fifty-foot totem pole overlooking five historical Indian burial mounds, thus the name. Across the boulevard is a convenience store where I stopped to pick up a drink before hitting the trail.

Once inside the store I marched up to the cooler, opened the glass door, and reached for a Dasani but jerked out the Red Bull instead. Yes, that’s what suited me at the moment, a triple shot of caffeine! When I spun around to head to the cash register, I ran smack dab into Eric from church. I nearly knocked him over. He was standing right there! I couldn’t believe it! What are the odds?

“Hey, Adam,” he said beaming like he’d just won the lottery or something. He was dressed to the hilt in running apparel—tight, long-sleeved, dry-fit, fluorescent green shirt, black tights, and high-dollar matching shoes. “How you doing, brother?” he asked. “You okay man?” No doubt he could tell something was up with me. Hiding my emotions has never been one of my strong suits. Still, I put on the best religious face I could.

“Great!” I said, “Couldn’t be better.” I lied.

“Good to hear.” He zeroed in on my Red Bull. “You know that stuff’s bad for you?”

“Yep, but the kick is ridiculous!” I said moving to go around him.

“I get my kick from the Lord, brother!”

“I’m happy for you,” I mumbled under my breath.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing,” I said over my shoulder.

“So how are Paige and Josh?” he asked following me, oblivious to my not so subtle hints. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you guys at church.”

“We’ve been going to the early service.” I lied again.

“Well that’s the one we go to,” he said with a puzzled look. “I should have seen you.”

“How’s Carolyn?” I asked to change the subject. That was a mistake.

“You know me,” he said with a big grin plastered across his face. “I married way out of my league. We’re soul mates! The longer I’m married to her, the better it gets.” He pulled up a picture of him and Carolyn on his iPhone. “Check it out,” he said, shoving it in my face. The two of them were standing on a picturesque beach in Hawaii. She was in a skimpy swimsuit with her arms around him. “Am I the most blessed man alive or what?”

He was lucky all right, though I never could figure what she saw in him.
He’s just a total punk,
I thought.

“God’s doing so much in our lives,” he continued. “And I have to brag on Garrett too. He just got back from his mission trip to Haiti. They provided shoes for over three hundred homeless children. When he got home, he received The Most Dedicated Disciple Award in youth group.”

“There’s an actual award for that?”

“Yeah man. I’m so proud of him! I mean, with so many kids making poor choices these days. Did you hear about Allie’s scholarship?”

“No,” I said, but I was quite sure he was going to tell me.

“She got a full ride,” he smiled so big the glare from his white teeth made me squint. “She’s thinking pre-med.”

“That’s really great, Eric,” I said with as much sincerity as I could muster. Allie and Josh had dated a couple times. He was smitten and she told him she just wanted to be friends. It killed him.

“God is faithful, brother!” said Eric.

I figured maybe they should give Eric The Most Humble Christian Award. He’d hang it on his fireplace mantle so everyone could see it! “Look, Eric,” I said agitatedly, “I’d love to chat more, but I really need to take off. Family needs me. You know how it is?”

“Sure do, man! Shortage of fathers these days. I’ll look for you guys tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

At the counter, Yolanda rang me up—$1.97. I reached into my pocket to pull out my wallet and realized I’d left it at home along with my iPhone. “Crap!” I said. “Left my wallet at the house.”

Yolanda smiled back at me compassionately. With that weathered look, I could tell life had not been particularly kind to her. She needed some dental work and crow’s feet formed in the corner of her eyes. I could relate. “That’s okay baby,” she said with a wink. “You just drop back by later and pay. I know how it is.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it.”

Behind me, Eric spoke up. “Don’t worry about it, brother. I got it!”

“You’re the best, Eric,” I said wanting to slap that ridiculous grin off his face. I know. I know. I have issues.

While Yolanda took Eric’s money, I dashed out the door, through the store parking lot, and hurried across the boulevard to the park before Eric had time to check out and follow me. I supposed he was on his way to the park as well. The last thing I wanted was to talk to him or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to be left alone.

Walking briskly along the trail constantly glancing over my shoulder hoping to evade Eric, my mind reeled with all the things in my life I was disappointed with—my marriage, my son, job, but mostly myself. I was my own worst enemy.
“Just look at you, Adam,”
a voice hissed in my ear.
“You’re a pathetic loser. You can’t even please your wife. Paige was right. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You surely thought things would be different by now, didn’t you? Remember all those big dreams? The great things you were going to do? So, how’ d you become…this? Everything’s such a struggle isn’t it? You’re a failure as a father too. And Josh is just like you—a loser.”

As my mind spun and one fitness buff after another zipped past me in their spandex and Reeboks, guilt and shame bore down on me pushing me to the edge of despair. My stomach churned making me feel like I might vomit, so I plopped down on a bench facing the lake to take some deep breaths. While sitting there some ducks waddled up from the water and quacked around my feet begging for food that I didn’t possess. I shooed them away with my foot.

“God, are You even there?” I mumbled, taking a long gulp of my Red Bull. “If You are real, You surely can’t be ‘all powerful’ because You made me. What a huge mistake that was.” In quiet desperation, I locked my hands behind my head. A beach in the Caribbean strongly appealed to me—not a vacation, but a permanent escape. I’ve heard about guys who do that. They chuck everything, get a sailboat, and then work at a little beachside resort or something when they’re not sailing around the islands. No worries, no dressing up, just shorts, hat, and some flip flops.
Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
Closing my eyes, I reasoned if I fell asleep and never woke up, it wouldn’t be so bad.

“Don’t you get it, Adam?”
the voice poked. “
God’s not listening to you. He’s disappointed in you. Just like Paige. He loathes you—everything about you. Josh hates you too. They’ d be better off if you were out of the picture. They wouldn’t even miss you. Just admit it. You’re a fraud. You’ve let God down so many times.”

“Shut up!” I yelled crushing my empty Red Bull can in my hand and then flinging it toward a garbage barrel that was several yards off to my side. Clanging against the metal drum, the tin can fell short of the goal, just like so many other things in my life. How many opportunities had I let slip through my fingers? So many things that could have been. When I stood to pick up my litter, an elderly man who I figured to be somewhere in his eighties stepped off the trail from behind me and up to the garbage barrel. “That’s okay, friend,” he said. “I’ve got it.” He reached down, one hand bracing his back, and picked up my crushed Red Bull can and dropped it into the trash.