The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex (3 page)

Figure 1.
1:
Normal Anatomy

An enema or douching prior to sex is not advised, as this can force a large volume of fluid into your rectum, which you may not fully evacuate before sex.
The in-and-out motion of your partner’s penis or fingers stimulates colonic contractions, and any residual enema will spill out, creating more of a mess.
Chronic enema use also can produce severe constipation.
In worst cases, men become so dependent on enemas that they cannot move their bowels without them.

If you worry that feces remain in your colon and you cannot have a bowel movement before sex, try a gentle wash-out with an ear syringe.
(When you were a baby, your mother used them to clean your ears, but now that you’re a big boy …) Ear syringes, available in most pharmacies, come in two styles:
a blunt, wide tip meant only to cover the hole in your ear, and a slender, tapered style for insertion into your ear canal.
Be sure to purchase the slender, tapered style and fill it with warm water.
Lubricate the tip, insert it into your rectum, and gently squeeze the bulb several times.
This will instill much less liquid than an enema.
Also, you are more likely to expel the water and any fecal residue fully.

Foreplay is as important in anal sex as it is in vaginal intercourse.
Although your anus does not self-lubricate as a vagina does during foreplay, this stage is critical if you want to achieve eventual sphincter relaxation.
It also helps you judge whether your partner will follow your wishes.
For penetration to occur without injury, your partner must wait until you are able to receive.
Most injuries during anal sex
occur when penetration is rushed or when the receiving partner has not consented or is not relaxed.

You must incorporate safe-sex practices into your foreplay.
In other words, condoms are not just for fucking.
Quite often during foreplay your partner rubs his penis against your buttocks and anal opening.
Although HIV is rarely spread without ejaculation, it can be.
(Pre-cum carries HIV and can seep inside.
) Moreover, numerous other infections, including herpes, anal warts, molluscum, and syphilis, can spread between partners from rubbing without penetration.
You can catch most of these nasties with skin-to-skin contact alone.
(See
Chapters 3
and
4
.
) And although these infections are not lethal, they can make you miserable and may be incurable.
Therefore, place a condom on your partner’s penis as soon as you anticipate any contact with your anal area.
If he complains, remind him that infections travel both ways.
You’re protecting him from anything you might be carrying.

Pleasure awaits when you stimulate the many nerve endings buried in your anal skin.
Some men enjoy light rubbing, while others prefer a heavier touch.
Avoid anything that can tear or cut the skin, because feces contain many bacteria that can easily infect a wound.
Touching the anus during foreplay is purely for pleasure’s sake.
Although it may heighten desire for anal sex, it does not cause lubrication or direct relaxation of the sphincter.
In fact, the sphincter responds by twitching closed momentarily with each touch.
Some men enjoy anilingus as another way to stimulate their partners, but beware of STDs.
(See
Chapter 9
.
)

Many men insert fingers or sex toys into their anus as part of foreplay or masturbation, but this is not without risk.
Fingers can be more dangerous than a partner’s penis if sharp nails, dangling cuticles, diamond rings (you get the idea) cut the delicate lining of the anus.
Men with HIV
need to pay particular attention to anal hygiene and avoid injury, because their ability to fight infection is impaired.
Your rectum lacks nerves responsive to touch, so most tactile pleasure comes from rubbing your anus and surrounding skin, not from penetration.
Penetration stimulates pelvic muscle contractions, which can heighten an orgasm.

Before inserting a finger into your anus, be sure that your nails (or your partner’s) are free of sharp or jagged edges and cuts that transmit infection.
Remember:
Any cut on a finger also can become infected with bacteria normally present in the anus.
A latex glove or finger cot helps protect you from your partner’s fingers acting as a conduit for STDs.
(See
Chapters 3
and
4
.
) Do not insert more than one finger into your anus to stretch it in anticipation of anal sex.
Stretching with several fingers can cause a dangerous tear and plunge your sphincter into painful spasm, which will prevent penetration.
Sphincter injury may weaken the muscle so that it cannot contract adequately.
Loss of bowel control may result.

He was waiting for me when I arrived at my office first thing Monday morning.
Dressed in his navy pinstripe suit and white starched shirt, not a hair out of place and a leather briefcase at his side, he looked every bit the corporate attorney.
“What’s the problem?”
I asked, but he didn’t answer.
“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Didn’t Dr.
Gordon tell you?”
he asked.
I shook my head.
“Well, there was a lot of traffic coming home from the country.
…”

I could not understand what traffic had to do with his visit, but I could wait.
“Go on,” I prompted.

“Chuck and I were bored, so we pulled over at one of those roadside stands.
… We bought a zucchini and some Crisco.”

I
was beginning to understand.
“You did this while you were driving?”

He nodded.
“We weren’t going very fast.
When Chuck had to change lanes … it sort of got away.
It won’t come out.”

If you enjoy sex toys or dildos, don’t pass them back and forth between you and your partner unless they’re covered in a condom that is changed between each insertion.
Avoid toys with sharp or pointed edges; instead use ones with tapered ends.
Your rectal canal is not a straight line; rather, it curves back toward your tailbone.
Thus, insertion of any object should be directed a little posterior (toward your back) and not toward the front.

Approximately eight inches from the anal opening, the colon takes a sharp turn to the left.
You must know this if you insert a long object into your rectum.
Stiff dildos or other objects may not be able to negotiate the turn and may pass right through your colon wall.
A colon rupture is a surgical emergency, because bacteria can spread quickly throughout your abdomen or pelvis.
When shopping for a new toy, choose one made of soft latex.
Harder materials are less giving (and forgiving) and offer greater risk of rupturing your colon.

Besides choosing a soft dildo or sex toy, find one with a blunt, tapered end so that your sphincter gradually stretches as penetration occurs.
A wide base or flange at the opposite end prevents its escape into your rectum if you lose your grip.
(Toys can become quite slippery.
) Should this occur, your sphincter will close.
Don’t try to “dig” the object out.
(You aren’t drilling for oil.
) Most often you’ll pass it like a bowel movement if you squat down and wait.
If it’s still inside after an hour, see a doctor.
Failure to remove a foreign object can lead to colon perforation.
Attempts to wash it out with enemas or a shower spray (as my patient did) will only push it farther up into the colon.
Usually a doctor
can retrieve it in his office or an emergency room with special instruments.
In extreme circumstances, a trip to the operating room with anesthesia may be necessary, but only to dilate your rectum so the toy can be grabbed.
Horror stories of men needing extensive abdominal surgery usually are not based in fact—unless they have ruptured their colon.

As always, common sense is the rule.
Learn to be sensitive with your hand when inserting anything into your rectum.
If there is any resistance or pain, change the angle of penetration or pull it out.
Never
persist.
Communicate any discomfort to your partner, and be sure he is responsive to your complaints.

With a little understanding of physiology, anal intercourse can be performed safely.
Like any muscle, your internal sphincter can contract for only so long before it fatigues and must relax.
When it relaxes, your partner can safely insert his penis without causing you pain.
How do you make your muscle fatigue?
Easy.
Unroll a latex condom over your partner’s penis.
Natural-membrane condoms don’t protect you from HIV, and ultra-sheer styles can break during sex.
Lubricate the condom well with a water-soluble solution (Eros, Foreplay, and Wet are just a few of the available brands), because it won’t harm latex condoms, and it is readily broken down by your body after intercourse.
Besides weakening condoms, oil-based lubricants occlude your very sensitive anal glands and can cause infection.
Read labels carefully before buying.
Many lubricants, including Elbow Grease and hand creams, are oil based.
The lubricant is very important; don’t trust the choice to a partner grabbing whatever is handy from his nightstand.
Many lubricants (even water-soluble ones) contain dyes
and perfumes that can be especially irritating to your sensitive skin and anal lining.
I have seen men who developed terrible skin allergies and colitis from lubricants.
So find a brand you like, but remember that what works for you may not work for your partner.

Apply a generous amount of lubricant to your outer anal area.
Inserting fingers into your anus may cause tearing and is not necessary if you thoroughly coat your partner.
A well-lubricated penis may be less traumatic than a finger with sharp nails.
Gently lower yourself onto your partner’s penis to the point where you feel discomfort.
(See
Figure 1.
2
.
) This corresponds to the moment when his penis begins to stretch your contracted internal sphincter muscle.
Stay in this same position, with your partner’s penis applying constant and gentle pressure against your internal sphincter muscle.
His pressure will cause your muscle to maintain its contraction until it tires and must relax.
And no, you won’t be suspended over him in a fit of anticipation for hours upon hours.
Thankfully, the muscle usually tires within thirty to sixty seconds.
When you feel your sphincter relax, sit the rest of the way down on his penis.
After a couple of up-and-down movements, your muscle will be sufficiently stretched so that you can move to any position you like.

It is also important that you do not stimulate your penis (manually or orally) while your partner attempts penetration.
Stimulation immediately causes your sphincter muscles to contract and only increases the time it takes your sphincter to relax.
Of course, once you accommodate your partner, stimulate all you want.

I recommend that anal intercourse be initiated with the receptive partner on top, because this position allows him to be in control.
When you are on top, you control penetration according to when your muscle contracts and when it relaxes.
Injury occurs from persistent insertion through a tight anus.
If your partner is on top and he feels your internal sphincter tighten, he will naturally push harder because he wants to be inside.
Your sphincter is no match for his desire.

Gently lower yourself onto
your partner until you feel pain.
Stop
and wait for your sphincter to
relax and then sit the rest of
the way down.