The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex (38 page)

An anus—whether his or yours—is the area most at risk for STDs.
If you don’t know the guy, it may be best to stay away.
In any case, the same applies to his anus as it did to his penis—keep the lights on, your eyes open, and look first.

Don’t expect the skin around his anus to be as smooth as what you see on guys in porn magazines or movies.
Skin tags or external hemorrhoids are present in about half of all Americans and are easily confused with warts.
While hemorrhoids generally arise from the anal opening and extend outward as a continuous piece of flesh, warts are often scattered around the opening.
If it’s fleshy and more than half an inch from the opening and doesn’t look like a pimple, consider it a wart until proven otherwise.
If you are worried about catching something from his anus, stay away.
If you can’t stay away, or even if you are sure that he’s clean, always
wear a condom.
Even if you’re just rubbing on the outside and penetration is the farthest thing from your mind,
wear a condom.
I can’t say it enough:
Rubbing without
penetration or ejaculation is often enough to transmit most STDs.
Although a condom is your best protection, it still doesn’t cover a man’s pubic hair, the base of his shaft, or his scrotum, all potential sites for men to carry or catch many STDs.

I’ve spent time telling you what to look for in him, but don’t forget to let him examine you.
You’re probably thinking that you know you’re clean, but don’t be so sure.
While it certainly is difficult for us to examine our own anuses, it is something a partner can do easily.
If he asks you about something,
don’t be offended.
Answer him and remember he has just as much right to protect himself from STDs as you do.
He may even be freer to allow your inspection of him if he knows you expect him to do the same to you.
Remember, you’re probably
both
afraid of catching something.
The fact that he’s also cautious makes him a less risky sexual partner.

So how do you make it a sexual experience and not a medical examination?
Romantic music certainly helps, massage and other aromatic oils are nice, and so is a lot of kissing while you look.
A shower scene is totally hot, and while you’re washing his most intimate spots, check him out.

I’m sure you’re aware of how your doctor’s touch is different from a lover’s, but you don’t have to touch like a doctor to get similar information.
Gently work your hands over his penis and through his pubic hair while looking for little nasties.
Even if you see something worrisome, you probably won’t catch what he’s got from this brief contact if you follow it by thorough hand washing.
You can always work on his thighs or lower abdomen (low-risk places that are often quite sensual) with your hands and mouth while conducting your STD inspection.
Not only will you whip him into the desired frenzy, but chances are you’ll be swept along as well.
Don’t rush.
Take your time pleasuring him
in low-risk kinds of ways while completing your survey.
Your doctor’s exam may take only minutes, but neither of you anticipates an orgasm by the end.

Gay men fear HIV transmission most often during sex, and rightfully so.
But sometimes we don’t fear it enough.
Medical research documents the high frequency of men having unprotected sexual encounters—including anal sex with ejaculation.
What I’ve tried to do in this text is alert you to the myriad of other STDs as well.
I’ve told you which warning signs to look for in a partner with regard to many other diseases but not HIV.
The reason for this is simple.
It is often impossible to tell that a prospective partner carries the virus.
Sure, we’ve all seen men in end stages of AIDS, but thankfully that scenario is growing less common as medicine makes great strides in HIV treatment.
Temporal wasting (sunken canyons on the sides of his head) and dark-purple blotches from Kaposi’s sarcoma are now often the exception instead of the rule.
In short, there is no way to tell if a prospective partner has HIV unless he tells you.
Given that fact, the best alternative is to be safe.
Fortunately, HIV is still fairly difficult to transmit without exchanging semen during anal or possibly oral sex or via shared needles.
Using a condom and a little intelligence is often protection enough.

You’ve checked him out, he’s clean, and you embark on a hot sexual experience.
Make sure you use condoms.
In a recent survey conducted in Philadelphia, almost half of the men who’d had unprotected anal sex did so because the sex was too exciting to bother with condoms.
Almost another third gave their partner’s refusal to wear one as a reason for unprotected anal sex.
Poor excuses.
Unroll the condom on him—that can be hot too.
If he refuses, tell him your life isn’t worth the risk.

After you have sex, what should you do?
Take off your condom and throw it away.
Make sure he does the same.
Immediately after you’ve come during anal sex, withdraw holding your condom tight.
Any loss of erection loosens the seal and semen can spill out.
And after he’s ejaculated, don’t let him rub his penis against your anus.
He’ll still discharge semen for a while, and if the head of his penis is against your anus, it can seep inside.
This is especially true as more time passes after ejaculation, because prostate enzymes work to liquefy his semen, making it much more runny than when it first shot out.

I know it is far more romantic to lie entwined with your partner in a postorgasmic embrace, but if you don’t know what he’s got, it is probably smarter to excuse yourself and wash off with an antibacterial soap.
You have no reason to be embarrassed about trying to protect yourself from an STD, and many can be prevented just by a thorough and immediate washing.
You’ll do your partner a great service if you drag him along to the bathroom as well.
Wash your hands, penis, scrotum, and anus well and don’t forget any other area where his cum landed.
Towel off and then climb back into bed for postcoital cuddling.
You’ll sleep a lot more soundly if you know you’re clean instead of worrying while his semen drips down your thigh.

You say this guy you’re climbing into bed with is a regular fuck buddy and you’ve got nothing to worry about with him.
Wrong!
Whether you get together for hot sex once a month or once a week or even once a day (then it’s a relationship), you still don’t know whom he’s slept with in between.
Unless you’re in a monogamous relationship, there is no excuse for not staying vigilant.
You never know when he’s going to bring more to your bed than his erection.

What do you do if several days after the most fantastic sexual experience (or even one of your worst) you find yourself staring at a sore on your penis or a ton of pre-cum even when you’re not aroused?
See your doctor!
Don’t
think it’s nothing or try to rationalize it away.
Chances are you caught something treatable, and the quicker you see your doctor, the quicker you’ll be cured.
And just as important, early treatment prevents you from transmitting the STD to someone else.
Embarrassment and delay only aggravate your situation and complicate treatment.

He lay down on the exam table, his newly tanned physique a sharp contrast to the white paper.
“How was your vacation?”
I asked somewhat enviously.

His body tensed.
“Fine, really fine,” but his expression spoke otherwise.

I tucked my stethoscope back in my pocket and asked if it was something he wanted to talk about.

“
We went to a club,” he began slowly.
“Not just a club, a bathhouse.”

“Did you both want to go?”

“It seemed like a hot idea.
The guys we saw on the beach all day were incredible.
We were so whipped.
We just went into this big room—a huge jerk-off scene.
A lot of groping, nothing more.”

“So what’s the problem?”
I asked.

His eyes remained transfixed by the blood pressure machine on the opposite wall.
“Chris, my partner, enjoyed it more.”

“By more, you mean more than you or more than you wanted him to?”

He smiled for a moment and then shrugged.
“When I looked up and saw this blond guy with Chris going nuts in his hand … I didn’t like it at all.”

Monogamy is not for everyone, and sexual experiences outside of a relationship are not inherently wrong—provided both partners agree.
What is wrong is cheating.
The word “cheating” implies deception, and that is exactly what occurs when you have sex outside of your relationship without telling your partner.
Whether you call it polyamory, an open relationship, or a ménage à trois, the key must be honesty.
Your partner has a right to know that you are having sex with others.
In this day and age, the risks of sex outside of a relationship are more than emotional—a partner who cheats can bring home a deadly disease.
In addition to transmitting HIV, sex in the 1990s has the potential to pass numerous STDs between partners.

Honest communication between partners is key to healthy sexual experiences.
No one assumes that sleeping with a man commits you to a monogamous relationship, and until boundaries are set it is best to maintain safe-sex vigilance.
When a date becomes more than just a date and you feel the stirrings of a relationship unfold, it is time to begin your sexual dialogue.
But remember that a sexual dialogue does not automatically imply a monogamous relationship.
You are still free to date and have sex with others if that is what you both choose, but discuss what limitations, if any, are to be set.
As I mentioned earlier, not only can certain sexual practices be higher risk than others, so too can partners.
Your relationship may be moving toward anal sex (if you haven’t already done it) or unprotected sex, and you need to know how risky your partner’s sexual practices are with others.
Is he having sex with call boys or in other high-risk settings?
If he is and this is unacceptable to you, then you can either agree to a new boundary or continue with less risky sex.
Some couples draw the line at anal intercourse outside of their relationship but allow masturbation and oral sex, while some view any form of sexual experience with others as forbidden.
This is a decision for partners to make together.

When partners agree to be monogamous, they each must have a thorough and identical understanding of what that
means.
Sex therapists agree that an active fantasy life is healthy for any relationship.
If your partner fuels his fantasies with sessions on the Internet, is that a problem for you?
Many men in monogamous relationships still masturbate.
Most of us have no problem with a partner who looks at a porn video or magazine while stroking away, but how do we feel about phone sex or chat rooms?
Does communicating with a stranger you can’t touch constitute cheating?
And can you trust yourself not to find out where “Mr.
Hot” lives and jump in the car for a little rendezvous?
These are all questions that men who have sex with men need to address.
And just because you think it’s fine doesn’t mean your partner will agree.

The start of a new relationship is a time for honesty.
It never gets easier.
We all bring baggage to each new encounter, and I doubt any of us will be virgins by the time we meet Mr.
Right.
If you worry that having this type of talk might scare your new love away, do your best to reassure him.
It is far more dangerous not to have the talk and to assume that he is as faithful as you are.
As time passes and your relationship intensifies, it might be even more embarrassing to bring the subject up.
You’re setting yourself up for heartache if after months of dating you finally summon the courage to discuss sex only to find out that while you assumed you both were faithful, in reality he was screwing around with many other guys.

When broaching the subject of “who else are you sleeping with and what are you doing with them?”
it is important not to take a judgmental stand.
If your new love senses he’ll hurt you with his honesty, he may not tell you what you
need
to hear.
Approach the subject with openness, knowing that it is only a jumping-off point.
Everything is negotiable.
And just as you expect your partner to be honest with you, you must be honest with him.
You’ll feel far worse admitting that you just gave him gonorrhea if he had
no idea you still had fuck buddies on the side.
If you don’t have this discussion, then your healthiest solution is to maintain safe-sex practices.