The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex (36 page)

Before closing our discussion of oral sex, we must talk about our mouths.
In addition to possibly harboring STDs that can be passed during kissing (yes, it’s a form of oral sex), fellatio, and anilingus, our mouths are full of potentially dangerous bacteria, which become a real problem if you are into biting.
Gentle nipping is fine,
but don’t break your partner’s skin!
If you feel your partner’s nipping intensify as passions rise, pull his head away and tell him it hurts.
Often he isn’t even aware of how much pressure his teeth apply.
If he persists, you may want to stop the proceedings.
A human bite is more dangerous than a dog’s.
(Your mouth has more bacteria.
) The wound must be thoroughly cleansed (use hydrogen peroxide), and antibiotics (ointments or tablets) are often necessary.
If pain, redness, or swelling develops, see your doctor.

Kissing is theoretically a potential avenue for HIV transmission.
No case has ever been reported in the medical literature, but doctors continue to issue warnings that deep kissing (whatever that means) still carries some risk.
If your mouth is full of sores or if your HIV-positive partner bites
you, then you may be in danger of catching HIV.
In one early AIDS pamphlet I remember seeing an advisory to use a barrier even when kissing.
Forget about it—the only thing you’re likely to do is suffocate your partner or yourself.

Oral sex is enjoyable but encompasses a wide range of activities.
Whether it is safe or not depends on where along the spectrum your proclivities lie.

Fellatio is fairly low risk—especially if you use a condom and avoid ejaculation.


The Centers for Disease Control recommends condom use for oral sex, with or without ejaculation.


HIV is not the only STD that can be transmitted during oral sex.


An STD in your mouth is often difficult for doctors to diagnose.


Urine may not be sterile.
HIV is present in urine.


Anilingus probably poses little risk for HIV transmission.


Hepatitis, infectious diarrhea, parasites, and other STDs can be passed between partners during anilingus.


No case of HIV transmission from kissing has ever been documented.


A human bite is dangerous and needs medical attention.

E
very medical evaluation begins with a thorough history.

“Do you have protected sex?”
I asked the young man seated before me.

“I never let anyone fuck me unless I really know them.”

“But is it always protected?”

“The kind of guys I sleep with are clean.
I’m negative.
And what does all this have to do with a hemorrhoid?
That’s what’s killing me.”

My questions made him edgy, but they had to be asked.
“What about other STDs?”

“What else is there besides HIV?
Like I told you, the guys I sleep with are clean.
I don’t go to bathhouses.”

He still didn’t believe me the following week when I called to tell him his anal culture for herpes was positive.

Men are not by nature monogamous creatures.
Biologically males of most species spread their semen to whoever will take it.
Monogamy is primarily an intellectual and emotional state.
For some gay men it represents the ultimate in any relationship between two loving partners, while for others the mere notion of any sort of couplehood sounds
too much like a heterosexual marriage.
“That’s not what being gay means,” they argue, believing that safe-sex teaching and a push toward monogamy as a means to thwart the AIDS epidemic has dealt a serious blow to “gay” culture.

For me, my sexual practice does not define me as a gay man.
It is definitely a part of my “gayness,” but it is not the sum total of my being.
I believe that choosing a monogamous relationship does not make you less gay.
Humans are social creatures, and many of us search for a mate with whom we can share our lives.
This does not mean that you are trying to emulate a heterosexual existence, it just means that you want a partner.
The key is to know what is best for
you.
Don’t be swayed by what others think.