The Inspector-General (5 page)

Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.

SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what you want.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! How are you? How are you?

SERVANT. All right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn? Is business good?

SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. Many guests?

SERVANT. Plenty.

KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven't sent me dinner yet.
Please hurry them up! See that I get it as soon as possible. I have some
business to attend to immediately after dinner.

SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you have anything any more. He
was all for going to the Governor to-day and making a complaint against
you.

KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about? Judge for yourself, friend.
Why, I've got to eat. If I go on like this I'll turn into a skeleton.
I'm hungry, I'm not joking.

SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't let him have no
dinner," he said, "till he pays for what he has already had." That was
his answer.

KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him.

SERVANT. But what shall I tell him?

KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I've got to eat. As for
the money, of course—He thinks that because a muzhik like him can go
without food a whole day others can too. The idea!

SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.

The Servant and Osip go out.

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I'm
so hungry. I've never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise
something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve
than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim
wouldn't let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to
ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere of one of the
neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir
it would have created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman walks
in
(draws himself up and imitates)
and an-nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich
Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country
lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If any lout of
a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the
drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls
and say: "Dee-lighted, madam."
(Rubs his hands and bows.)
Phew!
(Spits.)
I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.

Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant.

KHLESTAKOV. Well?

OSIP. They're bringing dinner.

KHLESTAKOV
(claps his hands and wriggles in his chair)
. Dinner, dinner,
dinner!

SERVANT
(with plates and napkin)
. This is the last time the landlord
will let you have dinner.

KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What
have you got there?

SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.

KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?

SERVANT. That's all.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What does he mean by that? Ask
him. It's not enough.

SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.

KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?

SERVANT. There is none.

KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed
through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short
little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.

SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there isn't.

KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?

SERVANT. Because there isn't any.

KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?

SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.

KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.

SERVANT. Yes, sir.

KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the
devil can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?

SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton!
(Ladles out
the soup and begins to eat.)
What, you call that soup? Simply hot water
poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don't want
it. Bring me some other soup.

SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss said if you didn't want
it, you needn't take it.

KHLESTAKOV
(putting his hand over the dishes)
. Well, well, leave it
alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but
I'm not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup!
(Goes on eating.)
I don't think anybody in the world tasted such soup.
Feathers floating on the top instead of butter.
(Cuts the piece of
chicken in the soup.)
Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!—Give me the roast beef.
There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it.
(Cuts the meat.)
What sort of
roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.

SERVANT. What else is it?

KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. It's roast iron,
not roast beef.
(Eats.)
Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to
eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it.
(Picks his teeth
with his fingers.)
Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a tree. I
can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin
one's teeth. Crooks!
(Wipes his mouth with the napkin.)
Is there nothing
else?

SERVANT. No.

KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent
pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests!
That's all they're good for.

(The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.)

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It
has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the
market and buy some bread.

OSIP
(entering)
. The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's
inquiring about you.

KHLESTAKOV
(in alarm)
. There now! That inn-keeper has gone and made a
complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he
does it in a gentlemanly way, I may—No, no, I won't. The officers and
the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and
the merchant's daughter and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is he?
How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I'll tell
him straight out, "How dare you? How—"

(The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.)

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a
few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

GOVERNOR
(recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion)
. I
have come to present my compliments, sir.

KHLESTAKOV
(bows)
. How do you do, sir?

GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that
visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

KHLESTAKOV
(a little halting at first, but toward the end in a
loud, firm voice)
. Well—what was—to be—done? It's not—my fault.
I'm—really going to pay. They will send me money from home.
(Bobchinsky
peeps in at the door.)
He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a
board and the soup—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have
pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so
peculiar—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I—The idea!

GOVERNOR
(scared)
. Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always
have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it,
and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he
gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you
allow me to take you to another place?

KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what
the other place is—the jail. What right have you, I should like
to know—how dare you?—Why, I'm in the government service at St.
Petersburg.
(Puts on a bold front.)
I—I—I—

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything.
Those damned merchants have told him everything.

KHLESTAKOV
(with bravado)
. I won't go even if you come here with your
whole force. I'll go straight to the minister.
(Bangs his fist on the
table.)
What do you mean? What do you mean?

GOVERNOR
(drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over)
. Have pity
on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring
misfortune on a man.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go
to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great!
(Bobchinsky
looks in at the door and disappears in terror.)
No, much obliged to you.
I will not go.

GOVERNOR
(trembling)
. It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was
nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself.
The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken
bribes, they were mere trifles—something for the table, or a coat or
two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's
in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her.
Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me.
That's the kind of people they are.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them.
(Reflecting.)
I
don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or
officer's widow. An officer's widow is quite a different matter.—But
don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me—no, sir, you can't.
The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of
cash. That's why I stay here—because I haven't a single kopek.

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming
at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's
going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But
I will try. Come what may, I'll try—hit or miss.
(Aloud.)
H'm, if you
really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to
assist strangers in town.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then I'll settle up immediately
with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.

GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles.
(Giving him the money.)
Don't
bother to count it.

KHLESTAKOV
(taking it)
. Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to
you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without—H'm—I
see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I
suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead
of two into his hand.

KHLESTAKOV. Ho, Osip!
(Osip enters.)
Tell the servant to come.
(To the
Governor and Dobchinsky.)
Please be seated.
(To Dobchinsky.)
Please take
a seat, I beg of you.

GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how
open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to
put me in—
(To Dobchinsky.)
Do take a chair.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door
and listens.

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is
incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we
haven't the least idea who he is.
(Aloud.)
I was going about in the
performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here—he's a
landed proprietor here—and we came to the inn to see whether the guests
are properly accommodated—because I'm not like other governors, who
don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian
philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if
to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant
acquaintance.

KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should
have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay
my bill.

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. Oh, yes, fib on.—Didn't know how to pay his bill! May
I ask where your Honor is going?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the Government of Saratov.

GOVERNOR
(aside, with an ironical expression on his face)
. The
Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be
on the qui vive with this fellow.
(Aloud.)
You have undertaken a great
task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in
getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are
travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't
made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the
Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to
knock about in the government offices for a while.

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too.
(Aloud.)
And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?

KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and
stupid—an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight
out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really,
why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different
demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.