The Inspector-General (10 page)

KHLESTAKOV
(writing)
. No, I'd like to stay a little longer. Let's go
tomorrow.

OSIP. Why tomorrow? Let's go now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, now, 'pon my
word. To be sure, it's a great honor and all that. But really we'd
better go as quick as we can. You see, they've taken you for somebody
else, honest. And your dad will be angry because you dilly-dallied so
long. We'd gallop off so smartly. They'd give us first-class horses
here.

KHLESTAKOV
(writing)
. All right. But first take this letter to the
postoffice, and, if you like, order post horses at the same time. Tell
the postilions that they should drive like couriers and sing songs, and
I'll give them a ruble each.
(Continues to write.)
I wager Triapichkin
will die laughing.

OSIP. I'll send the letter off by the man here. I'd rather be packing in
the meanwhile so as to lose no time.

KHLESTAKOV. All right. Bring me a candle.

OSIP
(outside the door, where he is heard speaking)
. Say, partner, go to
the post office and mail a letter, and tell the postmaster to frank it.
And have a coach sent round at once, the very best courier coach; and
tell them the master doesn't pay fare. He travels at the expense of the
government. And make them hurry, or else the master will be angry. Wait,
the letter isn't ready yet.

KHLESTAKOV. I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya
Street. He likes to move often, too, to get out of paying rent. I'll
make a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street.
(Folds the letter and
addresses it.)

Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter with sealing wax. At
that moment Derzhimorda's voice is heard saying: "Where are you going,
whiskers? You've been told that nobody is allowed to come in."

KHLESTAKOV
(giving the letter to Osip)
. There, have it mailed.

MERCHANT'S VOICE. Let us in, brother. You have no right to keep us out.
We have come on business.

DERZHIMORDA'S VOICE. Get out of here, get out of here! He doesn't
receive anybody. He's asleep.

The disturbance outside grows louder.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter there, Osip? See what the noise is about.

OSIP
(looking through the window)
. There are some merchants there
who want to come in, and the sergeant won't let them. They are waving
papers. I suppose they want to see you.

KHLESTAKOV
(going to the window)
. What is it, friends?

MERCHANT'S VOICE. We appeal for your protection. Give orders, your
Lordship, that our petitions be received.

KHLESTAKOV. Let them in, let them in. Osip, tell them to come in.

Osip goes out.

KHLESTAKOV
(takes the petitions through the window, unfolds one of them
and reads)
. "To his most honorable, illustrious financial Excellency,
from the merchant Abdulin...." The devil knows what this is! There's no
such title.

Khlestakov and Merchants, with a basket of wine and sugar loaves.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it, friends?

MERCHANTS. We beseech your favor.

KHLESTAKOV. What do you want?

MERCHANTS. Don't ruin us, your Worship. We suffer insult and wrong
wholly without cause.

KHLESTAKOV. From whom?

A MERCHANT. Why, from our governor here. Such a governor there never was
yet in the world, your Worship. No words can describe the injuries he
inflicts upon us. He has taken the bread out of our mouths by quartering
soldiers on us, so that you might as well put your neck in a noose.
He doesn't treat you as you deserve. He catches hold of your beard
and says, "Oh, you Tartar!" Upon my word, if we had shown him any
disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations. We don't mind
giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but
no, that's not enough. So help me God! He comes to our shop and takes
whatever his eyes fall on. He sees a piece of cloth and says, "Oh, my
friends, that's a fine piece of goods. Take it to my house." So we take
it to his house. It will be almost forty yards.

KHLESTAKOV. Is it possible? My, what a swindler!

MERCHANTS. So help us God! No one remembers a governor like him. When
you see him coming you hide everything in the shop. It isn't only that
he wants a few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash,
too—prunes that have been in the barrel seven years and that even the
boy in my shop would not eat, and he grabs a fist full. His name day is
St. Anthony's, and you'd think there's nothing else left in the world to
bring him and that he doesn't want any more. But no, you must give him
more. He says St. Onufry's is also his name day. What's to be done? You
have to take things to him on St. Onufry's day, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Why, he's a plain robber.

MERCHANTS. Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he'll fill your
house with a whole regiment of soldiers. And if you say anything, he
orders the doors closed. "I won't inflict corporal punishment on you,"
he says, "or put you in the rack. That's forbidden by law," he says.
"But I'll make you swallow salt herring, my good man."

KHLESTAKOV. What a swindler! For such things a man can be sent to
Siberia.

MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you are pleased to send him. Only the
farthest away from here the better. Father, don't scorn to accept our
bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of
wine.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't think of it. I don't take bribes. Oh, if, for
example, you would offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that's quite
different. I am willing to take a loan.

MERCHANTS. If you please, father.
(They take out money.)
But what is
three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.

KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan I won't say a word. I'll take it.

MERCHANTS
(proffering him the money on a silver tray)
. Do please take
the tray, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too.

MERCHANTS
(bowing)
. Then take the sugar at the same time.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes.

OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your Highness? Take it. Everything
will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give
them here. It'll all be of use. What have you got there—a string?
Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or
something else should break—for tying it up.

MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious Highness. Why, if
you don't help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don't know how we
are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.

KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your
behalf.

(The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard saying:)

"Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint against you to
him himself. Don't push me that way. It hurts."

KHLESTAKOV. Who is there?
(Goes to the window.)
What is it, mother?

(Two women's voices are heard:)
"We beseech your grace, father. Give
orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard."

KHLESTAKOV. Let her in.

Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned Officer's
Widow.

LOCK.'S WIFE
(kneeling)
. I beseech your grace.

WIDOW. I beseech your grace.

KHLESTAKOV. Who are you?

WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer.

LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a
burgess of this town. My father—

KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you want?

LOCK.'S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the
governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his
children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their
undertakings.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

LOCK.'S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier,
and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law, my husband being a
married man.

KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then?

LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him
both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend
upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he
choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been
levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a
rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva.
And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he
comes to me. "What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't
any good to you any more." It's for me to know whether he is any good
or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's a thief," he says.
"Although he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He is going to
steal. And he'll be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without
a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and
kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she,
too,—

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you?

(Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's Wife to the door.)

LOCK.'S WIFE
(leaving)
. Don't forget, father. Be kind and gracious to
me.

WIDOW. I have come to complain against the Governor, father.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief.

WIDOW. He flogged me, father.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the
market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and
reported me—I couldn't sit down for two days.

KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now?

WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order
him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't undo my luck. But the money
would be very useful to me now.

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll see to it.
(Hands
with petitions are thrust through the window.)
Who else is out there?
(Goes to the window.)
No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to.
(Leaves
the window.)
I'm sick of it, the devil take it! Don't let them in, Osip.

OSIP
(calling through the window)
. Go away, go away! He has no time.
Come tomorrow.

The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven
beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a
whole line of others.

OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?

He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out
through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.

Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.

MARYA. Oh!

KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle?

MARYA. I wasn't frightened.

KHLESTAKOV
(showing off)
. Please, miss. It's a great pleasure to me
that you took me for a man who—May I venture to ask you where you were
going?

MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere.

KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere?

MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here.

KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't going anywhere.

MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important
matters.

KHLESTAKOV
(showing off)
. Your eyes are better than important matters.
You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the
contrary, you afford me great pleasure.

MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital.

KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. May I give myself the
pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair,
but a throne.

MARYA. I really don't know—I really must go
(She sits down.)

KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is.

MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I
might embrace your lily neck.

MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking
about—scarf!—Peculiar weather today, isn't it?

KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.

MARYA. You are just saying that—I should like to ask you—I'd rather
you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know
very many.

KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you
have?

MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.

MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?

KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway.

MARYA. I love them so.

KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them—of every sort. If you like, for
example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish
murmurest against God—" and others. I can't remember them now. Besides,
it's all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since
your first glance—
(Moves his chair nearer.)

MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never knew what love is.
(Moves
her chair away.)

KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit
near each other.

MARYA
(moving away)
. Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.

KHLESTAKOV
(moving nearer)
. Why far? It's all the same if it's near.

MARYA
(moving away)
. But what for?

KHLESTAKOV
(moving nearer)
. It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far.
How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.

MARYA
(looking through the window)
. What is that? It looked as if
something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?