The Inspector-General (12 page)

GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your
goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you
scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you.
Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you'd land me in prison?
May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that—

ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!

GOVERNOR
(irritated)
. Oh, it isn't a matter of words now. Do you know
that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my
daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You
cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you
do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten
cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward
besides. If they knew, they would send you to—And you strut about
sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: "I'm a
merchant, don't touch me." "We," you say, "are as good as the nobility."
Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he
gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful.
And you—start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for
not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don't know
the Lord's Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And
when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air
of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars
full a day, that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your
heads and on your importance.

MERCHANTS
(bowing)
. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when
you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there
wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have
you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to
Siberia. What do you say to that?

A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit
tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever
satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.

GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because
I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then
you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would
crush me under a beam besides.

MERCHANTS
(prostrating themselves)
. Don't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you
say before? I could give you—
(shrugging his shoulders and throwing up
his hands.)
Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for
long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to
marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be—you
understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of
sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.

Merchants leave.

The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.

AMMOS
(in the doorway)
. Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich?
A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?

ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good
fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it.
(Kisses
Anna's hand.)
Anna Andreyevna!
(Kissing Marya's hand.)
Marya Antonovna!

Rastakovsky enters.

RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you
and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous
progeny—grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna!
(Kissing her hand.)
Marya Antonovna!
(Kissing her hand.)

The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov.

KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and
you, Anna Andreyevna
(kissing her hand)
and you Marya Antonovna
(kissing
her hand)
.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna
Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.

LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna.
(Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on
a bold front.)
Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you.
(Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.)

A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna
Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."

Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.

BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.

DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.

BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.

DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.

DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna!
(Kisses her hand.)
I have the honor to
congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear
garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your
time most entertainingly.

BOBCHINSKY
(breaking in)
. God give you all sorts of riches and of money
and a wee tiny little son, like this.
(Shows the size with his hands.)
So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be
crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."

More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukich and
his wife.

LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor.

LUKA'S WIFE
(running ahead)
. Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna.
(They kiss.)
Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna
Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself.
It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik,
that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I
to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm
consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh,
my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She
always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It
happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so
glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed,
so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?"
"Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing
like a stream."

GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some
more chairs in.

The Guests seat themselves.

The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.

CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish
you long years of prosperity.

GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.

The Guests seat themselves.

AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about,
and how did it all—ahem!—go?

GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make
the proposal in his own person.

ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke
beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect
for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so
genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a
penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.

ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other
people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That
was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to
say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went
down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says,
"don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my
feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."

MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.

ANNA. Yes, of course—to you, too. I don't deny it.

GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through
his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.

MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake!

AMMOS. How remarkable!

LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.

ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the
Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune.
(Aside.)
Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.

AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were
bargaining about.

GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.

AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good
fortune. You can't imagine how happy I am.

KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard
he had gone away for some reason or other.

GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly important matter.

ANNA. To his uncle—to ask his blessing.

GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow—
(He sneezes, and all burst
into one exclamation of well-wishes.)
Thank you very much. But tomorrow
he'll be back.
(He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other
voices are heard those of the following.)

CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your Honor.

BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats.

DOBCHINSKY. May God increase it to a thousand.

ARTEMY. May you go to hell!

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you!

GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.

ANNA. We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I must say, the
atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it's extremely
unpleasant. My husband, too—he'll be made a general there.

GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like
to be a general.

LUKA. May God grant that you get a generalship.

RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from God everything is
possible.

AMMOS. High merits, high honors.

ARTEMY. Reward according to service.

AMMOS
(aside)
. The things he'll do when he becomes a general. A
generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It's a far cry to his
generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't been made
generals yet.

ARTEMY
(aside)
. The devil take it—he's aiming for a generalship.
Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He's got the air of
importance, the devil take him!
(Addressing the Governor.)
Don't forget
us then, Anton Antonovich.

AMMOS. And if anything happens—for instance, some difficulty in our
affairs—don't refuse us your protection.

KOROBKIN. Next year I am going to take my son to the capital to put him
in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection.
Be a father to the orphan.

GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part—ready to exert my efforts on your
behalf.

ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first
place, you won't have time to think of such things. And how can you—how
is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?

GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally.

ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give protection to every
small potato.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks of us?

GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and
she'll put her feet on it.

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in
his hand.

POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official
whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general?

POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.

GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What
letter?

POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the postoffice, I
glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb.
"Well," I think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong in the
postoffice department and is informing the government." So I unsealed
it.

GOVERNOR. How could you?

POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had
already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome
by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I can't,
I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." But it pulled me and
pulled me. In one ear I heard, "Don't open the letter. You will die
like a chicken," and in the other it was just as if the devil were
whispering, "Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing wax, I
felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon
my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around
me.

GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a
personage?

POSTMASTER. But that's just the point—he's neither powerful nor a
personage.

GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion?

POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he
is.

GOVERNOR
(furiously)
. How neither one thing nor another? How do you
dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what
besides? I'll put you under arrest.

POSTMASTER. Who—you?

GOVERNOR. Yes, I.