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Authors: Michael Innes

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As Captain Cox walked away from the Paxton mansion and its magnificence, and as the Paxton coffee continued to settle down upon the Paxton claret, he reflected upon a certain unacknowledged mistrust which had lurked in his consciousness for some time. Was young Humphrey Paxton such that any prospective tutor might be expected to retreat in dismay upon a first ripening of acquaintance? Certainly there was ground for suspecting something of the sort. For, as matters at present stood, they were to meet only in the uncompromising atmosphere of Euston railway station, and some ten minutes thereafter they would be travelling together in an express which made its first stop at Crewe. Was this the cunning of Sir Bernard, who was so plainly a terribly brainy old bird? Captain Cox feared that it was. He had, in fact, let himself in for what might prove an uncommonly tiresome job. But this did not, perhaps, greatly disturb him. He would do his conscientious best with Humphrey. And as they were going to stay with people apparently adequately provided with lakes and streams, there ought to be enough salmon, snipe, and waterfowl to compensate for his tutorial labours.

No; it was by something else that Captain Cox was obscurely troubled. It had been the occasion of that odd abstraction which had led him into the little misadventure with his diary… Captain Cox, who was now walking through the square next adjoining to Sir Bernard Paxton’s, had advanced so far in his meditations when they were interrupted by the sound of rapidly running feet behind him. He glanced back in time to see a slender youth come dashing round the corner he had himself turned a minute before. ‘Hi!’ shouted the youth. ‘Hold on!’

Captain Cox halted. That this untidy, fair-haired boy was Humphrey Paxton appeared certain, and he found it necessary positively to brace himself for the unexpected encounter. But his first impression was favourable. The lad possessed a turn of speed and ease of breathing that suggested a very fair athletic trim. Moreover, he looked Captain Cox straight in the eye. ‘Are you my new tutor?’ he asked.

‘I am. And I think you were at that keyhole quite long enough to know it.’

‘Keyhole?’ The boy appeared momentarily disconcerted. ‘Oh well, why not?’

‘It isn’t done. Not by our sort. A housemaid might do it because she isn’t a lady.’ Captain Cox frowned. ‘I mean, might do it if she hadn’t the
feelings
of a lady. You mustn’t do everything that you see young louts doing in comics.’

‘All right. I’ll drop it.’ Humphrey, Captain Cox reflected, appeared suitably abashed. ‘Are we going to Ireland together?’

‘Certainly we are. We leave at four fifty-five on Thursday. And I’ve suggested to your father that before that I’d better buy you a gun.’

‘A gun? I say, that was jolly decent of you.’ The boy, however dark a view he and the public-school system took of each other, appeared to possess the right articulations – which were made the more attractive in his case by a very slight lisp. Not that Captain Cox was wholly reassured as to his charge, for in the lad’s eye as it confidently met his there was an impression of remote and rapid calculation which, in one so young, was not altogether inspiring of confidence. But his total bearing was frank enough. ‘Couldn’t we,’ he asked, ‘buy it together?’

‘Well, perhaps we could. In fact, it mightn’t be at all a bad idea.’

‘What about Thursday afternoon? That’s the first time I’m free. Only I want to go to the Metrodrome at two-fifteen and see
Plutonium Blonde
.’

‘Whatever is that?’

‘It’s a film with an atom bomb in it. They say it’s absolutely smashing.’

‘It might well be that.’ And Captain Cox chuckled, pleased with this unwonted flight of wit in himself. ‘Well, I’m afraid you will have to choose.’

The boy considered. ‘I say, couldn’t you come to
Plutonium Blonde
, too? It really is sticking out. We could buy the gun first, and then go to the flicks, and then straight across to the railway station. I’d have sent my things ahead.’

‘I think your father was intending to bring you to Euston.’

‘Dad can meet us at the station for the proper sort of farewells. Do come.’

Captain Cox considered. This eagerness for his earlier society on the part of the kittle young Humphrey was distinctly gratifying, and his forebodings were beginning to dissipate themselves. ‘We could have the gun sent straight to Euston and put in the Left Luggage,’ he said. ‘And if we met at half past one–’ He made rapid calculations. ‘We could just do it. But I shall consult your father first.’

‘Ring him up this evening. Where do we meet?’

‘At Bone’s in Piccadilly for a quick snack first. And now you’d better cut along.’ Captain Cox was a great believer in the moral effect of abrupt dismissals of the young. ‘You won’t see many films in Ireland. We shall have other things to do. Goodbye.’

And Humphrey Paxton’s new tutor strode on his way. The holiday job, he felt, was going to be satisfactory, after all. Snipe drummed and salmon leapt before him as he marched.

 

 

3

MONDAY AFTERNOON

 

Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Since our meeting this morning it has unfortunately proved necessary to make arrangements other than those of the kind then contemplated. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness in calling.

 

Yours v. truly,

BERNARD PAXTON.

 

Humphrey Paxton to Universal Stores

DEAR SIRS, – Please deliver at once by special messenger one pair of strong binoculars for bird-watching and a good camera (not box). Please send also these books:
Biggles Flies East, Biggles Flies West, Biggles Flies North, Biggles Fails to Return,
Bertrand Russell’s
History of Western Phisolophy
, George Moore’s
Daphnis and Chloe
,
Biggles and the Camel Squadron
, Bleinstein’s
More and More Practical Sex
, Blunden’s
Life of Shelley
, also
Atalanta in Calydon
,
Biggles in Borneo, Women in Love
, and any
close
translations of
Caesar’s Civil Wars
, Book III and
Phaedrus’
Fables
. I repeat special mesanger and charge to my account.

 

Yours truly,

BERNARD PAXTON (pp H P).

 

Humphrey Paxton to Miss Mary Carruthers

MY DEAR MISS CARRUTHERS, – I am leaving on Thursday for Ireland. As you know about my wanting to go I hope you won’t mind my writing to tell you. I shall miss not being able to come and see you while I am away but I hope you will let me come when I get back. It has been so very wonderful really meeting you and then hearing you read your wonderful poems. As you know I have not been happy among the oppressive and deadening influences of this place where there is nothing but—

 

a world of woes

The harsh and grating strife of tyrants and of foes

 

but I hope that in Ireland amid the influances of Nature (about which you write so beautifully in your Ode) I shall—

 

burst

My spirit’s sleep.

 

I have also to read a lot of Latin they say but when I return it will be—

 

So now my summer task is ended, Mary,

And I return to thee, mine own heart’s home.

 

I think Latin silly particularly since you said you do not read it very much. But fortunately I shall be able to take some other books won from Opression by Guile!

 

nothing that my tyrants knew or taught

I cared to learn, but from that secret store

Wrought linked armours for my soul, before

It might walk forth to war among mankind.

Your sincere and admiring friend,

HUMPHREY PAXTON.

 

Humphrey Paxton to Master John Potter

DEAR POTTS, – I can’t come to look at your stamps on Thursday afternoon because I’m going to Ireland – as I jolly well said I would. Actually I’m not going till late in the afternoon but I have to be at the dentists’ all the time before that.

HUMPHREY PAXTON.

 

Humphrey Paxton to Miss Beverley Anne Crupp

BUXOM BEVERLEY, – I am going away on Thursday afternoon but first I will take you out. Be at the usual place at half past twelve. I will give you a meal and take you to the pictures. I will book two seats in the back row. Do not muffle yourself up as for Siberian snows. Among those wanting to sit beside a cloakroom or clothes-horse—

 

Is not Numbered

H P

PS – Alas, that love should be a blight and snare

   To those who seek all sympathies in one!

 

You need not trouble with this.

 

TUESDAY MORNING

 

Universal Stores to Sir Bernard Paxton

DEAR SIR, – We enclose a letter received from your address this morning and await the favour of your further instructions.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times,

We remain,

 

Yours faithfully,

J MUIRHEAD

(
Universal Stores Ltd.
)

 

Telegram to Sir Bernard Paxton

MUCH REGRET SUDDEN DEATH RENDERS IT IMPOSSIBLE ACCEPT POST AS ARRANGED COX.

 

Sir Bernard Paxton to Universal Stores

DEAR SIRS, – Please deliver the goods ordered on my behalf by my son. You may however omit the treatise
More and More Practical Sex
, and add a reliable pocket compass.

 

Yours faithfully,

B PAXTON.

Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

MY DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Since writing to you yesterday afternoon I find the situation again changed. It will be best to say frankly that I had engaged as tutor to Humphrey a young man highly recommended to me, whose chief virtues appeared to me athletic interest and simplicity of mind: these I thought might commend themselves to the boy in the particular circumstances of the holiday proposed. But this gentleman has been called away – seemingly by a family bereavement – and I am hoping that you may still be free, and inclined, to assist us. If so, would you have the great kindness to ring up, or send a telegram, upon the receipt of this, in order that we may arrange to meet at Euston on Thursday?

It is not within my recollection that we discussed terms. If you are now so good as to undertake the work, would you please let me know whether, for the month or so that it will last, the sum of fifteen guineas weekly would appear to you to be reasonable? I am uninformed in these matters and you must forgive me if this should be to propose an inadequate remuneration.

With kind regards,

Yours sincerely,

BERNARD PAXTON.

PS – May I say how much I enjoyed, in the
Journal of Roman Archaeology
, your lucid and informative account of the villa which you assisted in excavating at Little Slumber some years ago?

B P

 

TUESDAY EVENING

 

Mr Thewless to Sir Bernard Paxton

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER STOP WILL TAKE HUMPHREY TO IRELAND SUBJECT RETURN AT DISCRETION SHOULD ENVIRONMENT IN MY OPINION BE PREJUDICIAL MORAL AND OR NERVOUS AND OR INTELLECTUAL PROGRESS OF PUPIL STOP TERMS SATISFACTORY BUT PLEASE REPLY ON ABOVE THEWLESS.

 

Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

MY DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Very many thanks for your telegram to which I reply at once by special messenger. I am glad that you find it possible to take Humphrey on his holiday and need hardly say that I highly approve the reservation you make. However, although I know little of the Bolderwoods I have a substantial hope that they will provide the quiet and stability which are so desirable. They have been apprised of Humphrey’s present somewhat unsettled state.

I enclose a cheque for £65, being three weeks’ salary as agreed between us and a further sum upon which to draw for such expenses as you may incur. Humphrey will be provided with pocket-money, but you will of course make any further disbursements of this kind that you think judicious.

It was my intention on Thursday afternoon to take Humphrey to visit an aunt and then come straight to Euston. He now tells me, however, that he has made an appointment with his dentist, so I suggest that we all meet at the station at half past four. Near the main hall you may recall a plan showing the location of the various buildings and platforms, and this would seem to be a convenient place for our rendezvous. Unfortunately there is a possibility that within the next couple of days I may be called urgently away. In this event Humphrey will have the necessary tickets, and a note with anything further that it may occur to me as being convenient for you to know. I need only add now that he is looking forward to the change and already appears to be drawing benefit from its prospect. He has taken occasion to acquire various books and objects – some of them very sensible – which he proposes to take with him. What alone causes me some anxiety is a growing tendency to imagine various conspiracies and enmities as hovering around him. I will later consult Lord Polder (a very old friend) about this, and he may recommend some form of psychiatric treatment. Meanwhile, Humphrey will be in excellent hands.

 

Yours very sincerely,

BERNARD PAXTON.

 

Humphrey Paxton to Mr A B, c/o Bunce, Newsagent, Bolt Road

SIR, – You make a misstake. I am ashamed of nothing I say or do. So you may see me with whom you like, when you like. Wretched man! if I did not think that all law was Tyrrany I would have you put in goal. If you approach me personally I will punch you on the nose.

 

Farewell and beware

HUMPHREY EDWYN HONYEL PAXTON.

 

Miss Margaret Liberty to Miss Agnes Hopper

MY DEAR AGNES, – I am writing to excuse myself, with many apologies, from what I am sure will be a most delightful Mah Jong party on Friday. The fact is – I am going for a holiday – and to the West of Ireland! I leave on Thursday! And this means such a terrible
rush
!

You will wonder how this has come about. Well, when my brother, Sir Charles, came to see me a short time ago it appeared to him that I was (only, I am sure, ever so slightly)
run down
, and he recommended the change and was so very generous as to provide for the financial side. You will appreciate the thoughtfulness of this the more when I tell you that my brother’s work is now
extremely important and most confidential
– and so absorbing that it is really charming of him to give such thought to the happiness and health of an elderly spinster sister. Were my dear father, Sir Herbert, alive he would, I am sure, be proud of his
equally distinguished son
. Woollens are the problem, even at this time of year, and particularly when one is going abroad. I am sure to be particularly interested in everything I find in Eire, as my father, a truly liberal man, was a great supporter of the late Mr Gladstone. And on the literary side there will be, I believe, views of Slieve League, Ben Bulben, and other places most romantically associated with Allingham, Mr Yeats, and other wonderful Irish writers.

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