The Kingdom Land (29 page)

In a sense, this decision had been
made the day his father died and sealed when his mother would never
return. The associations with his past were too bitter for Erik, no
matter what the land was like. Maybe that quote from
Paradise Lost
was right.
Maybe he made this land into more of a hell in his mind, but all he
knew was that he had to leave.

Uncle Henry and Aunt Mary had long discussions about
Erik's move, but the discussions were always private.

“
Honey, do you think Erik's running
or does he really need to leave the farm?” Henry asked his
wife.

“
I'm not sure. I do know that a lot
has happened in Erik's short life and I think he sees this place as
a reminder of his dad and then being left alone. I'm afraid there
are so many bad memories, maybe he does need to leave.”

“
I agree,” Henry said as he stared
vacantly at his already empty coffee cup. “I'm just afraid that if
he leaves, he'll also be leaving John and the Bible studies that
are so good for him, and us looking after him. I know he's a man,
but I'm afraid in Havre he won't have anyone to pull him from his
shell or depression or whatever it is that cuts him off to everyone
else. He can't survive if he climbs into his own little world with
no one to pull him out. I know he dearly loves God, but he needs
people who can show him love here in this world also,” Henry
added.

“
I know what you're talking about,
dear. I so hoped that the Lord would open his heart and show him he
could trust people. But I guess that would be forcing Erik to do
something he isn't ready to do. He opened up for awhile and really
tried, and I was so glad when he got involved with Laurie. I saw
the same thing when his dad first met Maggie, but just like his
dad, the ending of a relationship seemed to drive him further into
himself. Then there were those silly gossip stories he heard in the
church. In a way, I can't blame him. People have never really
proven themselves to Erik. It's too easy for him to merely say, ‘I
tried', when people disappoint him again. I honestly don't know
where that will leave him in a new town.”

The Coopers didn't know how to
approach Erik since it always seemed to backfire. They thought
about going to John O'Brian to see if he could talk to Erik, but
Erik beat them and went to John himself.
Maybe John'll understand, although sometimes he doesn't get
me either,
he thought.

That day John was working in the hot July sun on a
housing site on the south end of Fairfield. Carpentry is usually
regarded a good, earthy type of work. John's face betrayed the fact
that the labor was also very hard in the hot sun, and maybe not as
noble as expected. Sweat dripped off his head and rolled down his
barrel chest, completely saturating his body.

As a rule, John coped with the sun by working
bare-chested, and this had made his skin rough with a deep copper
tone. He looked much different from what Erik had first seen in the
restaurant. At the restaurant his hair had been neatly combed and
Erik hadn't noticed the strength of his shoulders. Now he looked
more like a tavern brawler than a Christian saint.

However, Erik had also gotten to know John much
better than that first impression. He knew John to have an earnest,
soft personality that only highlighted his rough exterior. Although
softness was present, John was also a confronting, honest person.
That honesty gave him a transparent quality. Nothing was hidden in
John, and he let other people know how he felt in any situation. It
was a trait that Erik envied, but doubted he would ever
possess.

Such openness would be considered offensive to Erik
in any other person, but somehow it attracted him to John. He
seemed to know how to speak honestly without hurting with his
assessment. It was a rare ability, but one that Erik needed.

“
Erik, looks like you've come just
in time to do some work. I got a hammer over there for
you.”

“
No, thanks, I already gave at the
office. Besides, I have ten thumbs as it is, and I don't want to
lose any of them whacking them with a hammer. Looks to me like
you're having too much fun by yourself.”

“
Loads of fun, but that's fine,”
John joked in return. “You know us Christians, we love to share.
But what brought you into town on a Wednesday? Did you get off for
good behavior or are you AWOL?”

“
Well, it's certainly not for good
behavior,” Erik said with a hint of seriousness in his voice. He
quickly recounted the story of the trailer to John and then
continued. “I know that I've hurt the Coopers and I know I have to
leave. At least I feel like I have to leave. I don't want to hurt
anyone, but I don't want me to hurt anymore, either. I need to
start over. I know the Coopers are thinking that I'm not grateful,
but they've never come out and really said anything. In a way, it's
like right after my dad died and I was left at the farm. There's a
feeling that something needs to be said, but it's not. Dad was dead
and I was at their farm, but nothing was said.”

“
Have you tried saying anything?
Maybe they think it's your turn to talk since you're making all the
decisions,” John said.

“
I guess I haven't come right out
and asked their opinion,” Erik confessed, “but I need to go, and I
need to know they know it's not because of them.”

“
Sounds like they could easily feel
you're leaving is because of them. I mean, Erik, you're not the
best for sharing gratitude, or anything else, for that
matter.”

“
I know that, but it's something I
have to do. I have to have my own life away from this place. I've
felt that way for years and no matter how hard I try to make this
place home, it's not. It's a place where I was left, not a place I
chose. Can't you talk to them for me?” Erik pleaded.

“
No, Erik, don't come and ask me to
solve this. You've lived with the Coopers all your life, and they
know you a lot better than me. They've got a lot more at stake in
this relationship. I'm not going to be a guru when the only people
who can answer you are with you every day. This is your decision.
It's up to you, not me, to talk to them and then maybe even listen
to them, not me.”

“
John, don't start lecturing me
unless you realize what this means to me. It's my first real chance
to leave Fairfield and make something out of my life.”

“
I'm not lecturing you, Erik, but
you need to realize that what you do affects other people. Those
people love you. Maybe it's hard to accept their love, but they
love you, nonetheless. It seems like they have earned the right to
at least know what you're thinking and for you to ask their advice.
I know they aren't your parents by blood, but they have given their
lives to you.”

“
You're right,” Erik couldn't deny
John's words. “I guess I have been wrapped up in myself …
again. But it's not just the thought of leaving Fairfield,” he
added. “So far I really haven't done anything with my life. All
I've done is work on a farm with a job that was given to me. All my
life I've had dreams of what I could do and what I'd become, and so
far those dreams have just kept slipping away. I thought I would go
to college to play football, and that slipped away. I thought I'd
get married, but who would want an old deadbeat like me? I thought
I would find my mom but that was a dream too.

“
I need to start making my life. I
need to go someplace on my own, and have a try at the world myself
away from the farm and Fairfield. It's a big world out there and
all I've seen are dirt strips and a little farm town.”

“
I'll buy that, Erik, but don't
expect to find something out there if you haven't found it here.
Your surroundings might change, but you're still you. People are
pretty much the same no matter where you go. Don't think that
merely moving will answer all your problems. Problems also travel.
It might be even harder because you're going to have to meet new
people and establish new relationships. You have to admit that's
not exactly one of your strengths,” John added gently.

“
I know the Coopers are worried that
you'll leave yourself completely alone in Havre,” he continued.
“Frankly, I worry about the same thing. Even if you don't always
know it, you have people here in Fairfield. It's not healthy for
you, yourself, or your relationship with Christ to cut yourself off
from people.”

“
I know that,” Erik said in his
defense. “It's just that in Havre it might be easier. People don't
know my past. I can just be Erik, not Erik the orphan. It'll give
me a chance to start over. You know as well as I do that Fairfield
just doesn't let people change. Everybody knows everything and I've
heard what they have to say about me.”

“
That's true. I know about
Fairfield, but I also know about you, Erik. You're too used to
being in your own little world. Do you think you can make new
friends and be part of a church or Bible study like you have here?
That's going to be crucial if you want to follow Christ. The
example He gave by His life was not to become a monk on a mountain
who separated Himself from the people. He walked with the people
and He told us to be with the people to tell them about Him. I know
you have a great one-on-one relationship with Christ, but you also
know that isn't all we're called to do.”

“
I know that, and it's not like I
haven't tried and haven't prayed about it. I remember coming back
from Chief Mountain. I told you about that day. I was convinced
that I would try and that Christ would heal me so I could be part
of Fairfield. It just didn't happen. Oh, for a while it was fine,
but after awhile it seemed like that conviction was as far away as
that mountain. You know there was Laura…,” he trailed off, his
eyes taking on a distant look for a brief second. Then he
continued, “Then I tried with Laurie. She's a great girl, but it
just didn't work out, and it hurt when it didn't. And then people
talked. I know they did. Then it was just easier to stay on the
farm. I thought God would change all that and make it easier, but
it just wasn't. I wish He would've made it easier, but it just
wasn't,” Erik repeated. He hesitated adding anything
further.

“
You know Christ has changed you,”
John saw that hesitation. “He has softened your heart and allowed
you new life. At the same time God is not in the business of taking
a paintbrush and repainting your life so everything has white
picket fences and beautiful smiles. He gives you the brush and the
strength and the paint of a new life. Then you have to take what
ability He gave you and you make the difference. Before Him, you
had no option but to live in your own little world, but with Him,
you can make things different. He gives the strength and the paint
of His life, and you apply it to your world.”

“
You make everything sound so
simple.”

“
As you said, Erik, you and I both
know it's not that easy, but it is that simple. You have to decide
if you want to carry it out in your life. That's the hard part
because for years you haven't lived that way and it's easy to fall
back into old habits. But you can make that decision, just as you
made the decision to follow Christ. It really doesn't come down to
if you're a shy person or if you like being around people or not.
It's how you view your life with Christ. Has He made you new? Does
He protect you so you don't have to protect yourself from what
people might say or do? Is He a big enough God that He can make
things worth living even here in Fairfield? Again if He can't here,
I really doubt He can in Havre, and you're only going to be
disappointed again thinking your dreams have been
dashed.”

“
Of course, you're right,” Erik
sighed. “But what else is new. It seems as if you're always right,
John. But there is one thing I don't think you realize. I feel that
this move is more than my decision. You knew me when I first became
a Christian. I wanted nothing more than to get out of this place,
but there was no way I could. Sure I could have packed my car and
left, but I just was too scared to leave. I think God has given me
the strength, and now has opened a door to leave. At first I
thought the trailer house was an excuse to leave, but now I think
it was a way God used to wake me up. I think He knows it's time for
me to go. I've never felt so good about anything in my
life.

“
This means a whole new life for me.
I'll have possibilities I don't even know of yet. You might think
that I'm just a loner and don't like people, but that's really not
me. Hey, I'm twenty-four and I'm single. I can't spend the rest of
my life just living on a farm staring at walls every night. The
walls of a trailer house aren't much different from the walls of a
bunkhouse. I want a family, and kids to father like I was never
fathered. I want a house with a big lawn and maybe a dog and a
boat. I don't think God would want to deny me that, and I think He
wants to start that part of my life.”

“
Fantastic, Erik. If you feel God is
the author of this move, I certainly won't disagree. You know what
the Bible says. Wisdom from above is first pure, peaceful and full
of reason. If you are at peace with this, and if it makes sense,
I'm all for it. But still use your mind and don't think God will
just do it all. Check out the school to see if there will be jobs
after you finish school. Check out if you have enough money to get
by, or if it would be better to get a longer degree. This has to be
more than a pipe dream that you give up on if it gets hard. If it's
of God, you need to be willing to stick it out.