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Authors: Ashley Hope Pérez

The Knife and the Butterfly (5 page)

BOOK: The Knife and the Butterfly
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I get bored of watching her and keep thinking Pakmin has to come for me soon. I’m looking around the observation room, and I realize that the long wall opposite the one with the windows onto Lexi’s side is also covered with mirrored glass panes. Maybe this is how the things look from the other side of the windows I’ve been looking through, and I’m guessing that Pakmin or somebody like him is probably watching me right now. I kind of have to laugh because now “observation” takes on a whole new meaning. Pakmin is watching me watching her. Waiting to see what the rat watching the rat will do. And maybe there’s even another row of windows behind that one, and somebody else is watching Pakmin watch me watch Lexi.

It makes me think of these bottles of drinking water my grams used to buy when she’d visit us. They had a label with a picture of a happy family carrying one of the bottles, which also had a picture of a family carrying a water bottle, and I imagined that that just went on forever. If you thought about it right, it seemed like you’d never run out of water because on every label there was a tiny water bottle with a tinier water bottle on it, all the way until you got to these little fairy-sized drops of water inside containers so small they’d be almost invisible. Or like how when you’re standing between two mirrors in just the right way you can see yourself shrinking into infinity.

CHAPTER 8: NOW

I’m cranky and stiff as hell from falling asleep in one of the plastic chairs in the observation room. Gabe is the one who takes me back to my cell, ignoring my questions along the way. He hums something that sounds to me like the
Dora the Explorer
theme song. Regina was crazy about that show when she was little, watched it every chance she got.

Once we’re back on the cell block, Gabe passes me my dinner tray before locking me up.

I wolf down my food and stick the tray back in the slot. My cot is a saggy piece of junk, but it feels good to stretch out after sitting for so long. What I need is to figure out who this Lexi is and what she has to do with me. Problem is, my thoughts pinball all over the place, bouncing away from me before I can get them lined up.

Somehow Pakmin and his pals have decided that I know something about this girl. Is that what they want from me—dirt on some cracker bitch? I think up all the chicks who are friends of friends and even the ones who are friends of girlfriends of friends. I try to remember the faces of the white girls in my classes in middle school. I rip through my memory over and over, but I draw nothing but blanks every time. Thing is, even if I was a snitch, I got no idea what they picked her up for. I could make some shit up, but Pakmin’s no fool. A pain in
el culo
, but not a fool.

I turn my situation over every which way and start to feel the heat coming up into my face. I’m trapped in a corner no matter how I look at it. Before I can bring myself under control, I’m up kicking the shit out of the cot. It doesn’t satisfy, but it’s the only thing in the cell with any give to it.

I guess I go on nailing it, because Baby Tigs hollers at me from across the way. “What the hell! You lost the last scrap of your piss-pathetic brain?”

“Screw you,” I say, but I stop kicking and throw my arms out through the bars. “You do observation today?” I ask.

“Four hours of staring at my cousin. Boring as hell.”

“They put me in watching some female. Don’t even know her.”

“Fuckin’ hell, man,” Tiger says. “She got tits and a pussy?”

“Yeah, well, tits.” I shoot him a look. “Pussy? How would I know? They didn’t let me do an inspection.”

Tiger laughs. “What you complaining about? I got to look at my ugly-ass cousin while you got you a chick.”

“Bitch doesn’t do a damn thing. They left me in there watching her sleep, man, like some old perv.”

“Better than the cell. Better than nothing,” Tigs says.

“I hear you,” I say.

We go quiet for a while. “Hey, Tigs?” I ask. “You think your cousin is a snitch?”

“Nah, I’m the one who knows shit about him.”

“You going to talk?”

“Nope, just do my time. They can’t hold us here forever.” Tigs slaps his hand sideways across the bars of his cell.

“You ever feel like somebody’s playing a game with you, messing with your head? Like you know things and then you don’t?”

Tiger nods. “Whole place stinks of fuck-up, man,” he says.

Later, before lights out, I push my blanket over the side of the cot. With my hand underneath it, I slide my black book out from under the mattress. I get under the blanket and make a tent with my knees so that I can look at my drawings without anybody seeing. I flip back to a drawing I did of Becca right after we first started talking. It’s her in these short shorts climbing up the stem of a rose like it was a mountain. Her long brown hair curves over her back, and she’s turned just a little so you can see her tits in profile. Damn.

I close my eyes and imagine Becca sitting on top of me, teasing me with her hips like she likes to. I imagine grabbing onto the bottoms of her feet and rubbing the soft center part with my thumbs. She’s got these little Cinderella feet that look super sexy in shoes with big-ass heels and even sexier right there in your hands. I imagine her hair falling over my face, tickling my nose. I imagine her whispering, “You go straight for me, Azz?”

I feel my gun down in my pants standing up hard, like it wants to answer her question. Fact: she’s not here. I take care of it myself, but it ain’t no fun like with Becca.

CHAPTER 9: THEN

I was at a
quinceañera
for Pelón’s cousin Tina when I saw Becca for the first time. Pelón was supposed to be making sure nobody stole the beer, but like usual he was off getting high. Promised me a joint for covering for him. So I was standing by the coolers when this girl in a black sequined top and real tight jeans walked into the backyard. First thing I thought was, she’s got class. You could see that right off because her
nalgas
wasn’t hanging out of some skirt even though she was fine enough to get away with it. Her tits screamed my name, and I had to tear my eyes upward to see what kind of face went with all that sexy. She had these big sad eyes done up real pretty, and her skin looked so soft I could almost feel my thumb sliding down her cheek to her lips. She glanced my way and then walked off real fast toward a group of girls hanging out by the DJ.

The second Pelón dragged his stoned ass back to the coolers, I grabbed a Coke and headed toward her.

“Brought you a drink, pretty lady,” I said.

Her cheeks turned red, but she took it from me. “Thanks.”

“You got a guy?” I asked.

“Maybe,” she said, but I could tell she didn’t.

I knew a couple of the girls around her, but nobody stepped up to introduce us. Tina was ragging on the DJ, calling the song he was playing crap. Since it was her party, he switched to
reggaetón
. She went crazy, and all the girls start dancing together like I wasn’t even there, but I didn’t let it faze me none.

“I’ll be back,” I shouted over the music.

I came around later with Coronas, and Tina finally introduced me around. “This here’s Brenda; she’s my girl from the southeast side. These fat hos are Ana, Linda, and Jen. And I know you been looking at Becca all night long.” Tina punched me in the gut, but I tensed up first. I got a laugh in while she stood there shaking out her hurt fingers.

When Tina told them my name, she turned to Becca and said, “Listen, girl, don’t let the long eyelashes and sweet smile fool you. Azael is trouble.”

“Don’t worry,” Becca said, her voice soft and husky, “I can handle trouble.”

And she could. She handled me all night long, dancing sexy and close when the DJ played
bachata
. By the time we went behind the garage and started our own kind of slow dance, I wanted her so bad. Wanted to strip those jeans off of her and get down to business. But Pelón came running after me, saying shit was going down on Bellfort and we had to go.

I put him off long enough to give Becca a real deep kiss to remember me by. She gave me her phone number. “See you soon, sad eyes,” I told her.

CHAPTER 10: NOW

I’ve been in observation for what seems like hours, but there’s nothing to see but Lexi sleeping. Mainly it pisses me off that I can’t have my black book while I’m in here. But I don’t want Pakmin to bust me.

I’m dozing off when a guard unlocks Lexi’s cell door and tells her she has a visitor. I figure that visits here will be like at Youth Village, everybody together in a big room that smells like ass with this thick piece of dirty glass separating you from your people, no way to hug them or anything. So I’m already gearing up for another session of bored-off-my-ass while she’s gone for her visit. Then I hear voices crackling through the speakers on the other end of the observation room, where the windows that usually show me Lexi and Janet are. Looks like Lexi is something special because she gets private visitation. White-girl privileges.

By the time I get over to the other observation window, Lexi is sitting across from an old lady with permed gray hair and a body that droops under her purple track suit. She’s not crying right now, but her eyes are red, and her leathery tan skin looks damp in places, like she barely wiped off her face before coming in.

“Hi, Meemaw,” Lexi says. I guess the old lady is her grandma.

“Hi, honey.” She reaches across the table to touch Lexi’s hand, but the guard in the corner steps forward and reminds her of the no-contact rule. She pulls her hand back like she got slapped, and I feel a little sorry for her, this
Meemaw
.

“You okay, baby? You eating? You sleeping right?” she asks.

“Yeah, just bored,” Lexi says. “Why hasn’t Shauna been here?”

“We’ve been talking to the lawyers a bunch. They think it’s better for your mom to wait a while before coming to see you since, since—well, you know how it is between you two.” She forces a smile.

“I’m gonna be out soon, right? They gotta let me out.” Lexi watches her grandma’s expression.

The old lady gives her a weak smile but doesn’t say anything.

“It’s real good to see you,” Lexi says, but she can’t seem to look at her grandma straight on. I wonder if maybe now she wishes she could go back to her cell and pick her scabs and write stupid shit in her notebook so she wouldn’t have to see the hurt in her grandmother’s eyes.

“I brought you some Danishes and chocolate chip cookies, but they wouldn’t let me bring them in.” The grandma stares at her empty hands.

“Too bad,” Lexi says. “I bet they’d make me a lot sweeter, huh?”

“Don’t you worry about that. And I brought you a Bible. They’re supposed to give it to you sometime after the visit. I wrote you something in the back, so be sure to look for it. I’m going to try mailing the yumyums, okay? I know how you love your goodies.”

“I’m sorry, Meemaw. I really messed up.” Lexi looks down. Maybe she’s thinking how she’d like to run around that table and climb into her grandma’s lap. Or maybe she’s not thinking anything at all.

After a long pause, the grandma catches Lexi’s eye. “Baby? Would you let me pray for you?”

Lexi doesn’t even look like she’s heard, but she nods.

“Okay, then.” The grandma closes her eyes and folds her hands. “Dear Lord Jesus, you love us just like we are no matter what things we’ve done. You came right down into this dirty world to save us, and you ain’t a bit afraid of our sins because you already cleaned us of them. We can go from being black like coal to being white as snow if we will let ourselves be washed in your blood.”

When she says blood, my heart skips a beat. My mind cuts back to the fight at the park. I remember the dream with Eddie, and I feel sick. Hands slippery with red. I want to believe it’s paint. Somebody just stuck their hand in a bag after huffing. But not even my favorite Red Devil Chinese Red has that thickness to it.

So whose hands? Whose blood?

“Lord Jesus, Lexi here loves you in her heart, and I know she can change.” The grandma’s voice goes all whispery. “Father God, you know that she is a good girl deep down inside. She’s got hard times ahead. Take care of her. Please take care of her. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

She opens her eyes and looks at Lexi. It’s a begging look. Then it seems like she looks right at me and shakes her head, only I know she’s just catching sight of herself in the mirrored side of the glass. Then the guard tells them they’ve got two minutes left.

“I love you, Meemaw.” Lexi says it fast.

“Love you, too, baby. See you next week.” The tears are back in the grandma’s eyes, but she leaves before they can fall.

CHAPTER 11: THEN

We went through these huge wooden doors that stretched about a mile up. Right after we stepped onto the carpet, Mami would stick her fingers in the holy water and use it to trace the shape of a cross on our foreheads. The church was like a huge boat, only turned upside down so that when you looked up, you were looking into the bottom guts of the ship. There was a smoky smell that wrapped right up around your nose so you couldn’t not smell it.

The colors of all the stained glass windows made my head spin. I wanted to see my favorite, the one with the red heart like a sticker stuck onto the outside of Jesus’ body. But Mami was already walking into a pew and pulling us along behind her. Eddie pinched me, and I started to cry. Mami pulled him over to her other side and hushed us both. For a while everything was still. Just the smokiness and the heat of Mami’s arm where I had my cheek pressed against it. She smelled like dryer lint and soap, and then I remembered that we were going to have a sister. That was why her stomach was so fat.

Sometimes Papi came, too. Me and Eddie didn’t know it yet, but Mami and Papi were both praying for a miracle.

CHAPTER 12: NOW

I’ve got me a kind of routine. Breakfast, talk with Tiger, rec outside, lunch, observation, dinner, flip through my black book, sleep. Sometimes the order is a little different, like today Pakmin comes for me right after breakfast. But it don’t matter. Because as much as I would like to drop-kick Lexi into the next county, I gotta agree with Tiger that something to watch is better than nothing. My expectations are low—a good day is getting to see something besides her just lying on her bed. Sometimes she stays there all day.

BOOK: The Knife and the Butterfly
8.52Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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