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Authors: Ashley Hope Pérez

The Knife and the Butterfly (9 page)

BOOK: The Knife and the Butterfly
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It don’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on here. The paper’s dated June 12, the day after they must’ve brought me in here. Somebody’s dead, and they think I have something to do with it. Becca must believe it, too, the way she was talking in that letter.

I can’t remember how the rumble ended. Everything goes to fog in my memory. But I know I’d know if I killed somebody. I’d be different inside, like after what happened with Pájaro. I’d know it for sure.

Something real messed up is going on, because they been holding me here for maybe two weeks, and I ain’t been charged with a damn thing. That’s some illegal shit. But then, everybody knows that the government breaks whatever rules it wants to. Just because I dropped out don’t mean I’m stupid. I’ve heard of Guantánamo Bay.

I ought to tell Gabe that they owe me a phone call, but who am I going to call anyway? No way Becca’s going to talk to my stupid ass, not after everything in that letter. Tío Beto doesn’t want nothing to do with me; he warned me off when I skipped out on him and my
tía
.

And I can’t call Pelón or Eddie or Javi because I got to protect them. I don’t want to send the cops their way. If what’s in the article is even half true, if somebody on the other side got offed, then my boys are probably already getting hit up by these Crazy Crew pussies. Pisses me off to imagine those brown-and-red raggers messing with my homies, disrespecting my hood. “
La Eme Ese controla
,” I say out loud, like that makes any difference.

I didn’t kill nobody in that fight. I know I didn’t. But still, shit. It can’t get worse than getting pinned with murder.

Only then I remember that it can. Eddie.
Pinche huevón
, Eddie. What if they think he did it, and they’re trying to get to him through me? Taking their damn time, for sure, but that don’t mean it ain’t what they’re up to. They might have him locked up somewhere else, trying to keep us separated.

I didn’t kill nobody, but right now I’m pissed enough that I could. Too pissed to think or draw. Too pissed to lie down. Too pissed to sit still.

I yank the mattress and blanket off the cot and stand the frame up on one end so that the legs are sticking out. I shove it back into the corner, then I pull myself up by the bar between the legs. Down, up, down, up. I’ve got myself a ghetto-ass private gym.

My muscles burn enough to calm me down until another thought starts to mess with me. What if Eddie’s the one who got cut down? What if that’s what they’re keeping from me because they know once I find out they won’t get another damn word from me? I flash back to that dream. Eddie’s face, and then those hands with blood on them.

But if this is about Eddie, why the hell do they have me watching Lexi? What does she know?

I keep doing ghetto chin-ups until the muscles in my arms are screaming loud enough to drown out the craziness in my head again. I know one thing for sure: I got to get my hands on that diary of hers.

CHAPTER 20: THEN

Everything changed after Mami died. Her sister, our Tía Julia, came from California and stayed with us for a while. Papi didn’t talk hardly at all, and he never looked at Regina. I think he put Tía Julia and the baby in the bedroom on purpose so that he wouldn’t have to see Regina. There was food and nobody hit us or nothing, so we were okay then. But at the same time, we weren’t. The apartment felt empty, and nothing was funny, not even cartoons. When Eddie and me left for school, Papi would be lying on the couch, faceup, eyes glued to the water stains on the ceiling. Sometimes when we got home, he was still in the same spot. Other times, he sat at the table holding one of Mami’s dish towels and studying it like there was a message written on it.

After a couple of months, Tía Julia had to go back to her family. She offered to take Regina for a while, but Papi said no. By then he was heating her bottles and everything, but whenever we were home he had me or Eddie hold her. He went back to work and started paying Mrs. Guzman to watch Regina while we were at school. And so Regina had Mrs. Guzman and she had me and Eddie. But she never had Papi.

One day just before Regina’s first birthday, we brought her home from Mrs. Guzman’s apartment like usual. It was early afternoon, and Papi should have been at work, but we found him passed out on the living room floor. The smell of booze on him was bad. Me and Eddie didn’t say anything, just took Regina into the bedroom and closed the door. A little later, we were playing with her on a blanket when we heard glass breaking in the other room. Eddie tickled Regina to keep her from crying, and we stayed real quiet until the crashing stopped and we heard the front door slam.

“Listen, Eddie,” I whispered, “we got to be the moms for Regina.”

“We’re boys, stupid,” he said.

“You know what I mean. Look out for her. Make sure nothing bad happens to her. You know how Papi’s been since . . .
pues, no es como antes
.”

“What do you want me to do?” Eddie acted like he was bored, but I knew he was listening.


Promete
,” I said, “promise we’ll take care of her.”

We made that promise before we even saw what Papi did in the living room. He’d gone and smashed up all the picture frames and ripped the pages out of our one photo album. There was nothing left but bent cardboard, shattered glass, and splintered frames. He didn’t leave a single picture of our mom behind. It was like he didn’t want Regina to ever know what Mami looked like. And that was a shame because you could see what a good person she was just by how she turned her head a little when she smiled.

Eddie and me took turns cleaning up and watching Regina in the other room. “See? I told you,” I said.

“Shut up,” he said, taking the trash bag from me. But from then on, he listened to me like we was the same age.

CHAPTER 21: NOW

I’m counting on talking things through with Tigs, but he’s not outside at rec, and his cell is still empty when Pakmin comes to get me for observation.

“Hey, where’s my man at?” I ask, jerking my head toward Baby Tiger’s cell and then looking back at Pakmin.

Pakmin stops walking for a second and rests one hand on his belly.

It takes me a minute, but then I remember how Tigs introduced himself. “Where’s Jason? He in some kind of trouble?”

“You’re all in trouble,” Pakmin says. “It was time for him to move on.”

“Move on? Where to?”

Pakmin ignores me until we get to the observation room. “Everybody’s time runs out sooner or later, don’t you see?” he says as he unlocks the door. “Yours will, too.”

I know it’s a threat, a reminder that I’m not doing what I should be, but I’ve got nothing to go on.

“Sir?” I say before Pakmin pulls the door shut behind him. He steps back through the doorway, eyeing me. “I want to—” I pause to find the right tone, “I want to do your program and everything, but I’m wondering . . .”

“Yes?”

“Could I maybe get a little more info about her?” I nod to the lit-up meeting room window where Lexi is sitting. While we’re watching, she pulls a wad of gum out of her mouth and sticks it under the table.

Pakmin frowns in her direction. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. . . . I see her writing sometimes in this notebook. Maybe that would help. But probably it’s nothing, right?” I don’t want to seem too eager.

“Interesting thought,” Pakmin says before stepping back out. He closes the door, and the lock slides into place.

The speakers crackle on while I’m still staring at the door. When I turn, I expect to see Janet coming into the room where Lexi is waiting. Instead, a guard walks in with this female who’s older but also way skinnier and sexier than Janet. She has long wavy black hair and tits about four sizes too big for her tiny waist.

“Hi, peanut,” she says to Lexi. “You hanging in there?” Her voice is all birds and rainbows, but she doesn’t really look at Lexi. Like she’s scared to.

“Yeah, no thanks to you,
Mom
.” Lexi says “mom” like it’s this huge joke. “Jesus, Shauna. What took you so long?”

“Mr. VanVeldt thought that it would be better if—”

“You didn’t want to see your only kid? You forgot me that fast?”

“Lexi—”

“Just like you forgot Theo.”

The lady’s face goes white, and she stares down at the table. From Lexi’s smirk I can tell she’s proud of herself.

After a minute, Lexi’s mom finally says something. “I will not tolerate that kind of speech. I’m sorry you’re here, Lex, but it’s not my fault. Your grandma and I have put everything on the line, borrowed from everybody we know just to pay for your lawyers.”

“Did I ask you to?”

“Jesus, Lexi, you’ve got to grow up. This is no picnic for me. We’re on the same side.”

“Really?” Lexi says. She raises her eyebrows. “It looks to me like we’re on opposite sides of this fucking table.”

The guard steps forward. “Another outburst like that and you’ll be back in your cell.”

“No problem,” Lexi says, but she stares at the guard. For once I’m on the county’s side. Slap that bitch into solitary for disrespecting her ma like that. But no way am I going to risk getting into trouble with Pakmin on her account. I keep my mouth shut, but my hands turn to fists.

“So what’s up?” Lexi smiles like this is an innocent question, but anybody can see she’s messing with her mom.

“Just try to stay out of trouble. We need a perfect report from your unit supervisor. Perfect.”

“Did Theo—where’s he buried?”

Lexi’s mom hesitates.

“Don’t tell me you put it off on someone else! He was family.” Lexi glares at her mother.

“Of course I took care of everything. Just about. Meemaw picked out the marker. We buried him on the family land.”

“Christ, Shauna, now I’ll have to go two hours just to visit him. Awesome.”

“Well, we picked a spot under this real big pecan tree. I think he’d have liked it.”

“And?” Lexi asks.

“The landlord at the duplex repainted the fence. You can’t even tell about . . . It looks just the same as before.” Lexi’s mom glances up and meets her gaze head-on for the first time.

For about half a second I think that Lexi might apologize for how she talked earlier. You don’t treat your moms like that. You just don’t. But it’s like Lexi catches herself and the chance to do right by her ma disappears.

I’m not saying I’m some kind of saint. When me and Eddie stay with Pelón, I’m not going to lie, we make a real mess of his ma’s house. Dirty clothes everywhere, half smoked joints hid under her couch, dishes all over. His moms spends half her time yelling at us. But she helps us out even if we drive her crazy.

One time when I unloaded some cell phones and got a little cash, I went to the grocery store and spent every penny on food. When I came back to Pelón’s place and she saw all them shopping bags and realized I bought the stuff just because, she gave me a big hug and called me a
buen hombre
. That made me feel real good.

There’s a way you treat moms, and a way you don’t. And Lexi’s on the side of the don’t. But at least I know one more thing about her: some dude she knows named Theo got cut down recently. Maybe even in the rumble. Somebody died that day; that’s the only way any of this makes sense. Maybe it’s her brother? I’ve heard the name, but where? From Janet? Lexi’s been keeping her mouth shut, and tight.

BOOK: The Knife and the Butterfly
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