The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (27 page)

Robert?

Yoo-hooooo, Robert!

(Or are you in some other dimension?)

What can I do, Superman? He keeps writing' down EVERYTHING I say. HEY,
ROBERT!
RooooooBERT! See? Nothing works. Damn!

HEY, you with the freckles all over your cheeks! You with the pen in your hand! Hey, Robert—I know something you don’t know.

I know when you’re gonna DIE, Robert! I DO! I saw it in a dream and I’m gonna tell you if you don’t stop write now! Do you hear?

Christ, Superman, if I could only get out of these bandages. If I could only reach out and take that pen away. But I can’t move. I’m trapped!

OK, Robert, this is your last chance. If you don’t stop pretty soon it’s ALL gonna be over. EVERYTHING!

Don’t you see, Robert? You’re gonna die as soon as they catch us.

As soon as they arm you with guilt.

So you better stop NOW. Please, Robert . . . Please stop . . . ROBERT! I don’t want you to die.

(I don’t want you to get mortared.)

Please, Robert . . . Oh, God. Robert. Oh Jesus, Robert, that feels good. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, my God, Robert! Faster!

FASTER! Oh, Robert! Oh..... Oh. Robert! Oh.....

OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Now where were we? Oh, yes! I wanted to tell you about how I felt like a gorilla trapped on top of a big building Like King Kong.

Except I was a person and not a gorilla like Titano. 
And I was wearing a cape. Gorillas don’t usually wear capes. But I was. But still I felt like a gorilla—like Mighty Joe Young, if that’s possible. Which it is because EVERYBODY down below was running around and screaming and pointing up at me.

And my mom was yelling GODDAMNIT, JERRY, GET DOWN HERE!

And my dad ran inside the house and so I KNEW he was coming up on the roof and I had to do it quick. I heard Buster say, AWW, HE’S CHICKEN ANYWAY! and Veronica said real loud like she always does, MYGOD! THAT BOY’S CRAZY! There was more commotion than you could imagine, Superman! EVERYBODY was doing something— yelling something!

I heard my dad’s feet pounding up the steps, getting nearer.

They stomped, they yelled, they screamed at me. They kept coming at me from every direction—like airplanes!— trying to knock me off! The WHOLE neighborhood was there. Everybody was watching. And laughing. And pointing. EVERYBODY!

And right in the middle of them all was ROBERT! Only he wasn’t yelling or anything. He was just looking up at me, and smiling. I saw his teeth sparkle in the sunlight. I saw his blue eyes shining like halos. He looked so innocent, so calm—like a tree on a battlefield. I smiled back. I looked down. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

I heard my dad’s footsteps climbing up on the roof, rushing toward me. Quickly! Urgently!

My mom yelled BE CAREFUL!

Everybody down below was allofasudden quiet. Watching. Waiting. I looked down at them ALL! I looked at Robert again. I saw his smile. I smiled BIGGER. I felt my 
dad’s fingertips reaching out. I heard my mom yell OH MY GOD!
MY GOD!
And then it happened.

I woke up. Dr. Clark was sitting on the chair beside my bed.

“But there must be more!” he said.

“No,” I said. “I always wake up. I never hit the ground. It’s always the same, Dr. Clark.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure.”

“But wasn’t there something else?” he said. “Didn’t you say something about a midget or something? I’m sure you did.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“Surely you remember,” he said. “Something about— ah, here it is! The name is Mr. Mxyzptkl! I believe. Am I pronouncing that correctly?”

“It’s close enough.”

“Well, according to you,” he said, turning a page, “this Mxyzptlk! character is a white male, about 33 years old, with ...”

“That’s inches.”

“What?”

“He’s 33 inches high. I don’t know how old he is.”

“I see. Thank you. . . . About 33 inches high, with red hair and a funny purple hat. Comes from a place called The Fifth Dimension, which we can’t seem to locate at the moment. Both of his parents are confirmed imps. And not only are they confirmed, but they also received their First Holy Communion. No one seems to know his first name, and no one seems to be able to pronounce his last. He’s a 
slippery character. Sometimes goes by the name of
!
kltpzyxM
when he wants to make a quick getaway. Seems to have a fetish about making Superman unhappy or something?”

“Miserable,” I said. “He wants to make Superman miserable.”

“Yes, miserable. How do you spell that?”

“Ms. erable,” I said.

“Yes, that’s it. Thank you. Well now, according to what you said, this Mxyzptlk character ...”

“You forgot the exclamation point.”

“Oh. Sorry . . . This Mxyzptlk! character has a thing about spelling his name backwords. Says it can make him disappear, is that right?”

“That’s it.”

“But why does he want to disappear?”

“Oh, he doesn’t WANT to—he HAS to. Whenever he gets tricked.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“It’s really easy,” I said. “You see, Mr. Mxyzptlk! lives in this place called The Fifth Dimension and ...”

“Yes, The Fifth Dimension. I like that. It’s got a nice ring to it. The Fifth Dimension. Where is it, can you tell me?” “Sure. It’s where nobody has any cars and everybody’s a imp, and so if you want to go somewhere all you have to do is say your name backwords. And if you don’t want to go anywhere you don’t. That’s why you have to trick him.” “Hmmmm,” he said. “I think you misunderstood my question.”

“I usually do.”

“What I meant was: Where is The Fifth Dimension? Is it outside Cincinnati, Ohio? Or is it near the Duck Rock? Or is it in Vietnam?”

“Oh!” I said. “You mean, where is it located?”

“Yes! That’s it! Where is it exactly?”

“It’s exactly between The Fourth Dimension and The Sixth Dimension.”

“Hmmmmmm,” he said again, looking at me for a long time. And then he said:

“What’s a dimension, Jerry?”

“A dimension is what you live in.”

“How many dimensions are there?”

“Thousands.”

“Name some.”

“Sure. Let’s start with The Zero Dimension. That’s God. And The First Dimension is angels and The Second Dimension is comicbooks. The Third Dimension is Hell, I’m certain of it. The Fourth Dimension is poetry and The Fifth Dimension is imps. I don’t know what’s in The Sixth Dimension, but The Seventh Dimension is pork chops and The Eighth Dimension is . . .”

“Thank you, Jerry.”

“You’re welcome, Dr. Clark.”

“Can I ask you something, Jerry?”

“Sure. Anything.”

“Why did you pick The Fifth Dimension when you jumped?”

“You mean when I found out I couldn’t fly.”

“Yes. Why did you try to disappear to The Fifth Dimension? Why not, say, The Sixth Dimension, or The Seventh Dimension?”

“I already told you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I didn’t know what was in The Sixth Dimension and I’d rather be with the imps than the pork chops.”

“I see,” he said, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. And then I said:

‘‘I don’t think you can see ANYTHING, Dr. Clark! You keep looking at ME—at my face, at my bandages. You keep asking what does THIS mean? What does THAT mean?

“I want you to have X-ray Vision, Dr. Clark!

“I want you to look INSIDE me. Can you see it? It’s the answer to EVERYTHING I am! It’s my mom and my dad and Buster and Veronica and Sister Mary Justin and Robert and his smile, his perfect smile, looking up at me, at my cape, at my dad, on the roof, reaching out . . .

“BLAME THEM! They’re ALL inside me, Dr. Clark, trapped like words on a page ...”

(Look around some more, Dr. Clark. Crawl inside my bones. Flow inside my veins. Can you see it? It's the answer to EVERYTHING I am! Ii's Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and Perry White and Krypto and Mr. Mxyzptlk! And Superman, of course. Theyre ALL there, Dr. Clark! They're all REAL, too! They keep appearing out of nowhere, like keys from a typewriter, one after another . . . )

Are you still there, Dr. Clark? Can you see them? Can you see how they’re looking up at me, pointing at me? Can you see my dad reaching out, trying to stop me?

Can you see my green cape? Isn’t it pretty?

Are you watching, Dr. Clark? Go ahead, make your way through the crowd. Don’t step on Mr. Mxyzptlk! That’s it, put your glasses on. Nobody will bother you. They’re all watching me and my dad on the roof. Now stop a minute. Stand there beside my mom. See the look of panic on her face? Can you hear the word she’s hurling out of her mouth with such horror?

Look at her, Dr. Clark. Help HER, not me! She needs it.

They ALL need it, Dr. Clark. It’s too late for me.

I’ve already jumped. I’m already falling to the ground helplessly. Can you hear the look on my face? Can you see the words in my mouth? I’m saying
!kltpzyxM.
I’m saying
!toirahC.
I’m looking for the word—the one word that might save me!

Where is it, Dr. Clark?

I’m even saying my first name—
!yrreJ
—but it doesn’t work! I tried EVERYTHING. I tried rearranging the letters in my name.
!itchorA,
I said.
!hotricA,
I yelled. But nothing happened. I didn’t disappear. What can I do? The ground keeps rushing toward me, violently toward me, like a door in my face. What’s wrong?

Help me, Dr. Clark! Help me!

Listen to me:
!cathirO,
I’m yelling.
!architO,
I’m yelling. I’m still falling . . .

Help me, Robert! Save me, Superman! Oh God, what’s the word? Is it
!chortiA?
Is it
!aihcroT?
Is it . . .

Hey. Hey, that’s it!

I found it! I’m doing it! 

I’m disa p 

  p

       e

  a

      r

 i

   n

  

  

  

“You certainly are, Jerry.”

“Sorry, doctor. Sometimes I get excited and fly off the handle.”

“The handle? I thought you flew off the roof?”

“No, I didn’t fly off the roof.”

“Then you jumped?”

“No, I didn’t jump either.”

“Then what happened?”

"Nothing. I was chicken.”

“You mean ...”

“I mean I lied. I didn’t jump. I didn’t fly. I waited too long. My dad reached out. He grabbed me. He held me in his arms real tight, almost hurting me. He was crying. My dad was crying! And then he did something that he never did before.”

“And what was that?”

“He kissed me.”

“And then what happened?”

“I grew up.”

“And then what happened?”

“I woke up.”