The Last Goodbye (27 page)

The next morning, with Noel by my side, June helped to move me onto a trolley. Noel gave me a kiss on the forehead and said he’d be waiting for me when I came around. Then they wheeled me down to theatre.

Even though Doctor O’Keeffe had warned me, I was still shocked by the size of the team waiting for me.

“All this for me? I feel very honoured.”

“Are you okay?” Doctor O’Keeffe asked.

“Just a bit nervous, that’s all, but sure I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Of course you will.” And for the first time since I had been under his care he smiled at me.

The anaesthetist put the mask over my face then and chatted away to me so I relaxed and then he counted me out.

Chapter 37

I woke up in the recovery room and the first face I saw was Noel’s. His face was blurry at first but then the edges around me sharpened as I began to focus. He was smiling down at me.

“You’re awake!”

I smiled back up at him.

“Well done – we had a little girl!”

“A little girl – well, isn’t that great!” My voice was crackly.

“Here, have a sip of water.”

He held the glass to my lips.

“That’s better. How is she, Noel?”

“She’s a tiny little thing but she’s doing really well. They’re giving her some treatment at the moment to help with her breathing but they said she’ll be fine. She just needs to get a bit bigger and stronger.”

“Oh, thank God!” The relief coursed through me.

“How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” My whole body felt bruised and battered. My skin was on fire.

“I’ll go and get June. She said to call for her if you woke up.”

He came back into the room with June following behind him.

“How are you doing, Eva? You are hooked up to a morphine drip. If you want to press this pump here every time you’re in pain, it will help. Be aware it will send you as high a kite though.”

“Thanks – I’ve always wanted to try morphine – it’s the closest thing to heroin I’ll get. Do you know how the surgery went?”

“Unfortunately you’ll have to wait for Doctor O’Keeffe to find out about that – he should be around to see you soon.”

“Can I go to see her?”

“The baby?”

I nodded.

“Not just yet, dear. Wait for Doctor O’Keeffe and then we’ll bring you up. But, don’t worry, I was just talking to the special care nurse and she assured me that she’s doing really well.”

Doctor O’Keeffe came around a while later. This was the bit that I was dreading. I knew by his face that it was serious before he even started to talk.

“How are you doing, Eva?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Congratulations on your baby girl.”

“Thank you.”

“She’s doing very well, I believe.”

“She’s a little fighter by all accounts.”

“Well, I’m sure you want to know how the surgery went – we managed to debulk some of the mass but it wasn’t as successful as I had hoped. Unfortunately we had to do a total abdominal hysterectomy. In the meantime I will send the biopsy to the lab to confirm whether or not it is malignant.”

“Right, so it’s a waiting game until then?” Noel asked, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

“Yes, I’m afraid so – hopefully we will know more soon. In the meantime try and get some rest. I know it’s easier said than done but your body has been through a lot and an operation like that will take a lot out of you. You will be tender for a while too so just be careful getting out of bed not to put pressure on the wound.”

That evening they brought me up to the neonatal intensive care unit in a wheelchair. I was pushed along the vinyl corridor with my drip trailing beside me. I was still woozy after the surgery. Noel was beside me.

I was shocked by all the beeping machines and wires everywhere, the clinical starkness of the room.

“Oh God!” I shrieked.

“It’s okay – parents always get a fright when they come in here for the first time.” The special care nurse came over to me. “It looks worse than it is. You have to remember that all these machines are helping your baby. She’s over here.”

I was pushed along behind her and I saw my beautiful baby girl. She had a pink hat on her head and was wearing a nappy which seemed to cover up most of her tiny body, but otherwise she was naked. The needles and tubes sticking out of her were frightening. She looked lost – a tiny baby inside a huge incubator.

“Look, Noel, look at how small her hands and feet are!” All my other children had been born at full term so I had never seen a baby so small before.

“She’s small but perfect,” the nurse said to me softly over my shoulder. “She’s strong.”

“What will we call her?” I turned to Noel.

“Well, I was thinking of this while I was waiting for you to come round. How about Aoife? It means beautiful.”

“It’s perfect for her. Can I touch her?” I asked the nurse.

“Of course – she would love to hold her mammy’s hand.”

I slotted my hand in through the holes of the incubator. She immediately curled her small fingers around my index finger like she knew who I was. I wrapped the rest of my palm around her small hand and held it in mine. I felt such a surge of love for her – it was like my heart swelled again just like it had with the others. I thought of all the heartache and worry over the last few months but I knew I had done the right thing.

Chapter 38

I tossed and turned all night long waiting for the time to come when I would know the biopsy results. I saw every hour on the clock. I wasn’t sure what to expect but, from the sound of it, Doctor O’Keeffe wasn’t confident it would be good news. I tried to stay positive but it was hard in the early morning darkness when everything seemed so bleak. I almost welcomed the lights being switched on at 6 a.m. and the sound of nurses bustling around getting ready to start a new day.

A lady came in pushing the breakfast trolley. She put the tray on the table at the end of my bed and pushed it up towards me. The smell of the scrambled egg was nauseating – even the sight of the melting butter on the toast made me want to vomit. I pushed the table away as best I could without stretching my stitches.

“Morning, Eva – are you not in form for your breakfast this morning?” June came in sunnily and stood beside me.

It was the same every morning – sometimes I might pick at a slice of bread or have a yoghurt, but for the last few mornings I couldn’t face eating anything.

I shook my head.

“Do you want me to take it away for you?”

“If you wouldn’t mind, thanks.”

“Well, I know you’re anxious to speak with Doctor O’Keeffe. He has just started his rounds so he should be with you soon.”

“Oh thank God – the worrying and not knowing is a killer.”

“I was talking to the nurse on duty in special care last night and she said Aoife had a good night and they hope she’ll be breathing by herself soon.”

“Oh that’s good news. Thank you, sister.” My heart surged with love for Aoife. I longed to be able to cuddle her properly, away from all the tubes and wires and this blasted hospital.

She left me alone then and no sooner had she pulled the curtain back along on its track when Doctor O’Keeffe pulled it back and stuck his head around. My heart started thumping at the sight of him.

“Good morning, Eva. How did you sleep last night?”

“Not great.”

“Well, I hope you’re taking all the pain relief available to you?”

I nodded.

“So . . . I have your results here.” He tapped his folder. “Would you rather I waited until Noel gets in?”

“No! C’mon – spit it out. I’m going out of my mind with worry here.”

“All right. I’m afraid, as feared, the lab results have confirmed that the growth is malignant. I’m sorry, Eva – I truly am. What we’re dealing with here, is ovarian cancer. Our next step is to assess how far advanced it is and whether . . .”

I sank my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes. This was not what I wanted to hear. He talked to me some more about our next steps but I didn’t hear what he was saying and I didn’t even notice him go back out of the ward.

June came in soon after and fixed the sheets on the bed.

“How are you doing?”

“I just can’t believe it, I can’t take it in.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t good news, Eva – it always comes as a shock to get news like that. Is Noel coming in soon?”

Noel had been trying to come in to visit during the day since Aoife was born.

“He’ll be in in a while – Seán had a football final this morning so I wanted him to go to it – so at least one of his parents would be at the sidelines to cheer him on.” I could hear the bitter edge in my own voice. I felt I had missed out on so much over the last few weeks.

“Well, that’s good. Look, I know it’s not easy but try to stay positive, Eva – treatments are very advanced nowadays. It’s not like it used to be when the C-word meant a death sentence.”

“I know,” I said wearily.

“We’re just going to take you down for your scan now, dear.”

“Scan?”

“Didn’t Doctor O’Keeffe tell you? He told me he did – he wants to check for metastases to see if the cancer is localised to the ovaries or if it has spread.”

“Oh sorry, I just zoned out after he told me the biopsy results.”

“Of course you did, love. You’ve had a lot to take in today. Once you have the results of the scan back Doctor O’Keeffe will have a better idea of what we are dealing with and he can plan your treatment accordingly.”

I was glad I’d been alone when he told me – it gave me a chance to get my head around it before I saw Noel.

When he came in that afternoon the familiarity of my husband brought it all to the surface and the tears started instantly.

“What is it, Eva – is everything okay with Aoife?”

“Yes, don’t worry, she’s fine – she’s doing great.”

“Well, what is it then?”

“My biopsy results came back –”

“And?”

“I have cancer, Noel.”

“No, Eva – please tell me this isn’t happening. Oh Eva!” He broke down.

As he sat there, heaving in the chair beside me, it was unnerving.

“This whole thing is a nightmare – what did we ever do to deserve this?”

“I know, love, I know, but we just have to stay positive.” I knew it was a platitude but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Cancer isn’t a death sentence any more. There are lots of treatments for it nowadays.” I knew that I was copying what June had just said to me but I couldn’t think of anything else to say to him.

That evening Doctor O’Keeffe came around to give me the scan results. He pulled the curtain around me again. I was really starting to despise its old-fashioned terracotta-and-yellow floral fabric. Noel was sitting beside me and he reached out for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

Doctor O’Keeffe nodded to me and then turned to Noel. “Good evening, Noel.” He didn’t sit down.

Noel mumbled hello.

“Okay, well. I haven’t good news, I’m afraid . . . the scan has shown secondary metastases on your liver and lungs . . . what we are dealing with here is an advanced form of ovarian cancer. I would like to treat the remaining tumour – the part we couldn’t get with the surgery – and metastases with further treatment asap, I’m afraid.”

I was too stunned to speak. From my limited knowledge of the disease, I knew that once cancer had spread to other organs it wasn’t good news. I had heard of people in Ballyrobin being diagnosed with cancer but when it had spread, that was it, it was curtains then.

“I would like to start chemotherapy treatment as soon as your body has had a chance to regain some strength after the surgery.”

“And then what?”

“We will then see how well it has responded to the treatment before deciding on our next steps.”

I looked at Noel, watching his whole face changing as it registered with him what the doctor was saying. It felt like they were words for someone else.

Doctor O’Keefe talked me through all of the side effects that I had heard about – nausea, exhaustion, susceptibility to infections, hair loss, loss of appetite – and I tried to make a joke of it, saying that the loss of appetite might be a good thing but they had both looked at me like I was daft so I had shut up pretty quickly again.

Long after Doctor O’Keeffe and his white coat had left, his words were still ringing in my ears. Noel and I sat in silence, ruminating over our own thoughts, and then one of us would speak and then we would go silent again.