The Last Goodbye (26 page)

My appetite had decreased so that even minute amounts of food left me feeling full. Doctor O’Keeffe said it was because the cyst was compressing my stomach – any other time this would have been great news but now it just meant that I was worried about the baby. He assured me the baby was getting what it needed from me and would be just fine. He was more worried about me.

“I’m fed up of this place, Noel,” I said for the umpteenth time. “I just want to go home.”

“Well, you’re nearly there now.”

“How are the kids?”

“Great.”

“Did you get those jeans for Kate?”

“I did – they cost enough though.”

“I can’t wait to see her face when we give them to her. Will you do it in here? I’d hate to miss it.”

“Of course we will, love – we’re hardly going to do it without you.”

“Is she still out till all hours with Aidan?”

“Yep – he’s a grand fella and all but I don’t see them from one end of the day to the next and God knows what they’re getting up to. I think she’s smoking, Eva.”

“Oh yeah?” I was lying back on the pillow with my eyes closed. My head was pounding like someone was thrashing a lump hammer between my brain and skull. It was so warm in the ward and the window at the end of the room could only be opened back an inch.

“Well, I could definitely smell something the other day and then a packet of Benson & Hedges fell out of her pocket during the week.”

I opened my eyes and sat forward. A pain shot through my abdomen as I did so. I grimaced for a moment.

“Benson & Hedges? I thought she’d have better taste in cigarettes – bloody awful things they are!”

I had smoked briefly for a time in my twenties, before the kids were born, when it was a cool thing to do and people didn’t know about the damage it did to your health.

“Can you just be serious for a minute, Eva?”

“Sorry, Noel – I’ll talk to her the next time she’s in. This is tough on her. First of all her mother is pregnant at forty years of age, then she ends up in hospital, possibly with cancer. I know she acts like she doesn’t need me but teenage girls need their mothers more than ever to help them through the difficult years. Don’t I remember it well myself?”

“Well, I just hope they’re not having sex – we don’t need any more unplanned pregnancies in this family.”

“She’d have more sense,” I said and we both laughed then.

Chapter 35

My life became more or less confined to my hospital bed. The nurses would help me out for a short walk down the corridor every day but other than that I was on the flat of my back staring at the mint-green walls of St Brigid’s ward. My legs were sore and swollen and I was short of breath even though I wasn’t doing anything. They were all the normal symptoms of pregnancy but magnified because of the growing mass.

Visiting hours were between six and eight in the evening so usually Noel marched the kids in to see me. Mam sometimes would come as well.

Kate’s birthday came and went. Mam had baked a chocolate cake and we lit some candles and sang Happy Birthday to her. She was thrilled when she opened her present – she couldn’t quite believe that she finally had a pair of the jeans that she so desperately craved. She had gone into the bathroom on the ward and changed into them straight away. I smiled at Noel and we both knew they had been worth every penny, just to see the happiness on her face.

“All by yourself today?” I said to Noel when he came in one evening.

“The boys were out playing – I couldn’t get them in. And Kate, well, Kate –”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ah, you’ve enough on your plate.”

“Tell me.”

“Well, Sergeant Trevor brought her home in the back of the squad car last night.”

“Why, what did she do?” I tried to sit up straighter but my whole abdomen felt as though it was being pulled apart so I lay back down again.

“Herself and Aidan were found sculling back a flagon of cider in the church car-park.”

“Ah for feck sake – she’s only fourteen! She’s too young for that carry-on.”

“Tell me about it! And you should have seen the fanny pelmet she was wearing when she arrived home – she had gone out wearing her jeans! It was so short that she’d have every dog in the village sniffing after her and I told her as much!”

“I’d say that went down well.”

“Ah you know yourself, lots of screaming and shouting and door-slamming, but she knew by me that she had gone a step too far this time.”

Even I could see that Noel had been very snappy of late. Normally it took a lot to push his buttons but the littlest things would send him over the edge or off on a rant these days.

“I gave her a good talking-to this morning. That’s why she wouldn’t come in to see you – she’s afraid of what you’ll say.”

“Well, she can’t avoid me forever. God, this is a nightmare . . .”

“What is?”

“This whole thing – me being confined to hospital while the kids run wild and things fall apart at home – and I can’t even do anything about it!”

“You’re nearly there now and then we’ll get you back home again.”

“Yeah. It’s dragging though – all day only allowed out of my bed to walk up the corridor to the shower and even that is such an effort. I’m sick to death of looking at these four walls. I’m so fed up.”

We were interrupted by June, the nurse looking after me. She brought a wheelchair up to the side of the bed for me.

“Ah my wheels – what exciting place are you taking me to now?” I asked. It was bad when the highlight of my day was when June came along with my wheelchair.

“You’ve a date with Doctor O’Keeffe,” she said brightly. “We won’t be long.”

“Do you want me to come too?” Noel asked.

“No, you go down and get yourself a cup of tea in the coffee shop.”

“Well, how did you get on?” Noel asked when I got back.

It wasn’t good news.

“It’s been two weeks now that the baby hasn’t put on any weight. They’re saying something about the growth being restricted now by the mass – what did he call it – throw me over my chart for a minute, Noel.”

He took my chart from the holder at the end of the bed where June had put it. I flicked it open and tried to read Doctor O’Keeffe’s handwriting.

“Yeah, here it is – ‘intrauterine growth restriction’. Although he didn’t say it, I reckon he’s thinking of delivering this baby pretty soon.”

“Well, you’re almost thirty-one weeks now . . . look, we just have to put our trust in him – he’s the doctor, he knows what he’s doing. You’ve given it your best shot.”

“But it’s so early!”

“I know but they can do wonderful things for babies born early these days – it’s not like it used to be – things have advanced so much.”

“I hope I’ve done the right thing.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, not getting the surgery. I never thought about this side of it – it’s restricting the baby so that’s not good either.”

“Look, they’re keeping a close eye on you, they won’t let anything happen.”

“I just want to hold him or her in my arms – that’s all I want.”

“You will, Eva, you’re doing great. You’re nearly there now, love.”

“I know – I just wish I could fast-forward a few weeks and have the whole lot over me.”

“Just hang on in there now, it’ll all be okay and we’ll have you and the baby back home again in no time.”

“You look wrecked, Noel. Are you all right?”

“I’m okay.” He was sitting forward, his elbows resting on the side of the bed, massaging his temples with his fingers.

“I know it’s tough on you, keeping it all afloat at home.”

“I’m grand. I’ll be glad when it’s all over though.”

“Me too.” The whole ordeal was taking its toll on both of us.

After Noel had gone home, I read my book for a while but I couldn’t concentrate so I closed it again and put it back up on top of the locker. Today was one of the days where I was having doubts about my decision, although I would never admit it to anyone. I knew by the whispering and mannerisms of the team looking after me that they were worried about me. I had overheard their conversations with Noel – out in the corridor because they didn’t want me to hear. But by now I was too far gone to change my mind. In for a penny, in for a pound. I would just have to ride it out. When I looked at Kate, full of her teenage angst and anger, or the innocence of the two boys, I would feel so guilty. Was Noel right? Had I put this baby before the needs of my other children? And God love them, they didn’t realise how serious it all was. In their heads this was something related to the baby and once the baby was born, all would be well again. I desperately hoped that they were right. My three children needed me. In my mind the risks had seemed small but now it appeared that I might be on the wrong side of the statistic that I was so fond of quoting to Noel.

Chapter 36

Doctor O’Keeffe came round on his visit the next morning. He pulled over a chair to my bedside and sat down on it. He never sat down – he always did his morning rounds standing up. Noel wasn’t in yet. He usually didn’t make an appearance until visiting time in the evenings, after he had the farm sorted out.

“Eva, with your consent we would like to deliver the baby this week. As you know from the scan your baby’s growth is being restricted by the mass so I don’t think there is any benefit to be gained by leaving him or her in there any longer.”

“When?”

“Ideally tomorrow.”

“
Tomorrow?
”

“Yes. You are coming up to thirty-one weeks and usually babies born at this stage do very well. You have already had a steroid shot to help mature the baby’s lungs. Now, obviously, a baby born at this time will require a stay in the special care unit but there hopefully will be no adverse outcomes.”

“I see.”

“Regarding the surgery, the plan is to do a Caesarean section delivery followed by debulking of the mass all in the one go – there is no point in doing two lots of surgery. Now there is quite a high chance that a total abdominal hysterectomy will have to be carried out – that is the uterus and both ovaries and maybe the omentum too. Would you be okay with this or are you planning on any more children?”

“Oh, believe me, Doctor – I am done. You can whip the lot of it out for all I care.”

“Well, you do know that you will experience earlier onset of the menopause?”

“Ah, the change of life – sure I might as well get it over with now than in a few years’ time.”

“Okay, good – now, unfortunately, unlike most C-section deliveries you will require a general anaesthetic so you won’t be awake when your baby is born and Noel won’t be able to be present either. There will also be quite a few teams, headed by myself, involved in the surgery – an obstetric team to deliver the baby, paediatrics, and then the surgical team to remove the mass.”

“Sounds like there’ll be no staff left in the hospital!”

“Now how are your pain levels today?”

“I’m okay.”

“Well, tell the nurses if you need anything and try and rest as much as you can tonight because you have a tough few days ahead of you and you need to be as rested and relaxed as possible.”

“Relax – in this place? Are you mad?”

I told Noel when he came in later. He breathed out slowly.

“So it’s all systems go then?”

“Yeah.” Even though it felt like I had been hanging around here for ages, it still felt as though it came on quite suddenly in the end.

“Are you all set for it – do you have everything you need?”

“Well, can you bring in the bag with the baby’s stuff that I have in the spare room?”

“I’ll bring it with me in the morning. Will I be allowed into the theatre?”

“No – he said you wouldn’t be allowed in because I’ll be out cold.”

“Right, well, sure I’ll be here anyway for the moral support.” He reached for my hand on the bed and squeezed it.

“Thanks, love. I can’t believe that by this time tomorrow the baby in here –” I pointed to my bump, “will be born!”

We chatted about the kids and the weather and then June came around and gently suggested that Noel should head on home because we had a long day ahead of us tomorrow. He leant over and kissed me goodbye and said he’d see me bright and early in the morning.

I didn’t really sleep that night. I felt a mixture of nervous excitement because I had been waiting for this day to come for months now. Everything hinged on tomorrow’s operation and the results of that. I was just glad that I was finally getting the keys to get away from this limbo state.