The Last Rain (20 page)

I tell Shoshana I finished and give her the bowl. I tricked her.

Between the Motion and the Act

Rubin changed the subject: “What do you have against your wife?”

“What exactly do you mean?”

“Why do you torment her for no reason?”

“You really think so?”

“Are you kidding? Sometimes you act as if she’s your slave. She’s afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time at the wrong place. What do you do to scare her so much? It’s not her fault that I look at her—I can’t help it. And what’s wrong with that, why shouldn’t I? I don’t see you stopping yourself from looking at Esther or Brauna or anyone else. Free her, free her!”

“Do you really think so?” Nat repeated, both repelled by and appreciating Rubin’s honesty, knowing he was only partly right, partly wrong.

Dori

Hannah sits with me on the patio of the Children’s House. The patio is my favourite part of Eldar. The floor is made of big purple tiles in different shapes that curve into each other. Even when it’s hot the tiles are cold if your feet are bare or if you lie down and put your cheek on them. I want to eat those tiles.

We once got our hair washed with kerosine on the patio. Dafna came to help Shoshana. We took off all our clothes except for our underwear and Dafna told us to close our eyes really tight while she put the kerosene in our hair. The kerosene was in a big rusty barrel. I like that word—barrel.

After we washed our hair with the kerosene Shoshana sprayed us with water from a hose. We ran in and out of the water and went wild. It was fun.

Hannah has a soft voice. Maybe she’s only shy. She says
I’ll think of a number from one to ten and you have to guess it
. I guess
three
and she shakes her head. Then she says
you’re allowed to lie in this game
.

The game makes absolutely no sense to me but I don’t care. I’m happy that Hannah’s finally talking to me.

But then suddenly she gets up and walks away. She really hates Eldar.

Diary of a Young Man

14 February 1922.
The Meeting yesterday was profound. We spoke—actually only one spoke, and the others were silent— about Eros in society, about individual freedom. I didn’t understand most of it, but the discussion was imbued with a special spirit that can’t be put into words. It is no wonder that Eros is central to our talks—we bare our souls before one another.

20 February 1922.
I am still shattered from yesterday’s discussion. Some time after midnight I was startled out of a deep sleep by the clanging of the bell. I was sure that our camp was in flames. Half-naked, I ran outside, but all was quiet—no sign or hint of a fire.

I approached the others, who were emerging from their tents, and asked them in a fearful voice where the fire was. But they reassured me and in hushed tones told me to keep my voice down, for the bell was summoning us to a Meeting. I wondered why a Meeting was being called at midnight. I returned to my tent, dressed, and made my way to the Dining Hall [mess tent].

The tent was half in darkness and somewhere in a corner a small lamp flickered. On the floor, against the walls, people sat huddled together, and from one of the corners, as if rising from the depths, came the voice of Y.B. like the voice of a spirit, full of mystery. The speaker kept his head bowed, and disembodied words broke through the dim space.

“I called for a talk (long silence) … because I … that is, we, every individual (long silence) … The society, one family (long silence).”

All the comrades sat with their heads bowed, their faces concealed. I rested my chin on my knees and listened. The rest of the Meeting eluded me, because I fell asleep in my dark corner.

The guard who came to light the Primus for tea woke me. Too bad I fell asleep. I was told that there never was such a beautiful and profound Meeting.

Dori

Daddy brings me a pair of slippers from the city. The same blue slippers with a zipper on the side and white fur on top but new.

Because last week he noticed my slippers in the Children’s House. He looked at them and said angrily
are these your slippers?
He was disgusted that they were falling apart. I don’t know why. I like falling-apart slippers.

As soon as he leaves everyone decides to hate me. It’s my turn to be hated. Every child gets a turn it seems.

When it was Skye we all sang—

Hanan and Elsa went out to the field

Hanan was the shepherd and Elsa the sheep

Meh meh meh meh meh meh

Meh meh meh meh meh meh

It’s supposed to be Hanan and Aliza but we changed it because Skye’s parents are called Hanan and Elsa. Skye acted like she didn’t care. I don’t know if she was pretending or if she really didn’t care.

Now everyone sings—

The sun is shining gold and red

Naftali has a big bald head

instead of—

The sun is shining gold and red

And plum trees blossom overhead

but it doesn’t hurt me because there’s nothing wrong with being bald. Being hated hurts me but not the song about Daddy. Even being hated isn’t so bad. It’s because of the slippers.

After our shower when I go to put on my new slippers there’s a squished banana inside. They finally hurt me.

Shoshana cleans the banana out with a rag and tells us to get into bed.

I didn’t even want new slippers.

Late Night Confessions

“By age eleven we were so wild and out of control that it became a game with us, seeing how long it would take for our latest Minder to lose it. We celebrated when we finally succeeded. We drove one Minder after another to a nervous breakdown.”

—Yair Miron

Dori

It’s getting cold at night. We have grey blankets to keep us warm.

Mummy comes to kiss me goodnight. I tell her about the banana in my slipper and she says
I’m sorry
as if it’s her fault.

She does that a lot. On the ship there was a storm and we all began to throw up. It was the fault of the waves but Mummy kept saying
I’m sorry
.

Another time it really was her fault but it was a mistake. I had a cold and Mummy put medicine from a blue jar on my chest. But she didn’t know the medicines in Canada and she put too much and my chest began to burn as if I had a fire in there. I kept yelling
water water
and she kept running to bring me more water saying
I’m sorry I’m sorry
but it was a mistake.

Just before Sara was born Mummy burnt both her hands. She forgot a pot was hot and she put her hands around it. The doctor gave her cream that looked like throw-up and she lay in bed with the cream on her hands and a blue lamp on her leg. My brother David pinched his nose and said
ugh that looks like throw-up
. He ran into Mummy’s bedroom from the door on one side of her bed and out the door on the other side of her bed saying
ugh ugh
and pinching his nose. It was funny so I began running too saying
ugh ugh
and pinching my nose and then we both ran in circles around Mummy’s bed laughing and pinching our nose and Mummy laughed too. Finally Daddy told us to stop because Mummy had to rest.

There was a rainstorm when Mummy went to the hospital to have Sara. Daddy had to hold the umbrella for Mummy so she could get to the taxi without getting wet but the wind ruined the umbrella. I saw it all from the living-room window. So I wasn’t surprised when they brought the baby back from the hospital and said her name was Sara.
⁵²

Our First Year

17 August 1949.
Our Arab agricultural advisor from Kitlish was here today, looking over our vines and advising us when and how to harvest.

Dori

Shoshana says we have to line up for a teaspoon of cod liver oil and then we’ll get a candy.

We don’t want to line up. We have a bad feeling about this cod liver oil.

When my turn comes I can’t even believe that anything so horrible exists in this world. I feel I’m going to throw up but I grab the candy and put it in my mouth.

The candy doesn’t help Elan. He swallows the cod liver oil and right away he throws up. Shoshana gets mad and makes him take it again and he throws up again.

Now Shoshana’s really angry. She gives it to him a third time. He still throws up. There’s less throw-up this time because there isn’t a lot left in his stomach.

I feel bad for Elan. Very bad. But Shoshana hates him. She hates all of us but she hates him the most.

Shoshana says we have to have cod liver oil every day now. I don’t understand it. Eldar is supposed to be nice to children.

Thy Neck with Chains of Gold