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Authors: God,David Javerbaum

Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic

The Last Testament: A Memoir

BOOK: The Last Testament: A Memoir
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BY THE SAME AUTHORS

America (The Book):
A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction

The Old Testament

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A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race

The New Testament

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A Fetus’s Guide to the First Three Trimesters

The Koran

Let’s Go! USA 1992
 (assistant editor)

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First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition November 2011

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Designed by Ruth Lee-Mui

Manufactured in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Javerbaum, David.

The last testament / God (with David Javerbaum).

—1st Simon & Schuster hardcover ed.

p. cm.

1. Religion—Humor. 2. God—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.R4J38 2011
818’.607—dc23
2011021981

ISBN 978-1-4516-4018-2 (print)
ISBN 978-1-4516-4024-3 (eBook)

To anyone who’s ever been told

“T
HOU SHALT NOT
” . . .

and obeyed.

TABLET OF CONTENTS

PROLOGUE
AGAINESIS
Smitus (“On Natural Disasters”)
Corrections (“On Errata”)
REDUXODUS
Jewed (“On the Chosen People”)
Glossy Ones (“On Celebrities”)
SEMITICUS
Sell-A-Thonians (“On America”)
Facts (“On Unsolved Mysteries”)
Games (“On Sports”)
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO DAD
Fillemin (“Godlibs”)
Pleader (“On Prayer”)
Effusions (“On My Favorite Things”)
KORANICLES
Hindus (“. . . and Other Heathens”)
Fallopians (“On Abortion”)
1,400 YEARS OF SANCTITUDE
Collations (“Recipes”)
Romance (“On Sex, Love, and Marriage”)
REVELATION
PRE-MISINTERPRETATIONS
Acknowledgments
Photo Credits
Index

PROLOGUE

1
I
n the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.
2
For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.
3
So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;
4
Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.
5
So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.
BOOK: The Last Testament: A Memoir
12.16Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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