The Last Testament: A Memoir (2 page)

⁶
And then, over a
frisée aux lardons
that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are
now
, he spoke unto me:

⁷
“O L
ORD
our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.

⁸
Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;

⁹
They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;

¹⁰
They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;

¹¹
They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;

¹²
And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what
The Bartender’s Bible
hath done for bartending.

¹³
But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”

¹⁴
“Forget not
The Book of Mormon,
” I interrupted.

¹⁵
“Thy last
serious
book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;

¹⁶
And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”

¹⁷
“I follow everything!”
I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.

¹⁸
“Forgive me, L
ORD
,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.

¹⁹
I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”

²⁰
“But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.

²¹
“For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;

²²
And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;

²³
And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”

²⁴
And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.

²⁵
Besides, the book
I
envision is not like unto those.

²⁶
For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;

²⁷
Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’

²⁸
(That’s not a bad title, by the way.)

²⁹
Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.

³⁰
And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.

³¹
But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;

³²
The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.

³³
My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—

³⁴
“Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,

³⁵
That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:

³⁶
An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”

³⁷
Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.

³⁸
Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.

³⁹
And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.

AGAINESIS

CHAPTER 1

¹
I
n the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”

²
Yea; that takes me back.

³
Back to the first day of creation; the day when, in a sense, it all began for me;

⁴
The day I tossed aside the idleness of my early eons, to take on the honor, responsibility, and privilege of being the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe.

⁵
I remember that day like it was yesterday, though to be sure it was not yesterday; rather it was ages ago, across an unfathomable sea of time whose meagerest inlet exceeds the ken of human understanding.

⁶
It was October 23, 4004 B.C.

⁷
But before I speak of that day, and that week, and all the laughter and tears and tragedy and triumph that followed; let me pause at the beginning of this, my last testament, to tell thee a little about myself.

⁸
I am Omnipotent, Omniscient, All-Merciful, All-Powerful, All-Informed, All-Possessing, All-Compelling, All-Subduing, Most Holy, Most High, and Most Powerful.

⁹
My hobbies include being Sovereign L
ORD
, Heavenly Ordainer, Day-star of Eternal Guidance, Tabernacle of Majesty, Quintessence of Glory, Hand of Divine Power, Tongue of Grandeur, and Eye of Splendor.

¹⁰
And in the interest of full disclosure, I must also confess that I have on occasion been known to dabble in being the Desire of the World, the Source of Everlasting Life, the Sovereign Protector, and the Wellspring of Infinite Grace.

¹¹
With all these qualities, and many more—for another of my qualities is being infinitely qualitied—people have often wondered why it was I created the universe, when I could have remained content simply to hover alone as pure spirit contemplating my own divinity.

¹²
Because that’s not godding, that’s why.

¹³
In my humble opinion, thou canst hardly call thyself the L
ORD
, if thou hast created no other beings to L
ORD
it over.

¹⁴
(Besides, I
did
try hovering alone as pure spirit once; but one can only contemplate oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself for so long before it getteth old.)

¹⁵
I had a burning ambition to rule the world, but I knew such a world was not going to create itself; no fully formed planet was going to suddenly appear and say, “Here, L
ORD
, take these 20 burnt offerings,” or “Here, L
ORD
, take these 50 infidel heads,” or “Here, L
ORD
, take these 200 years of religious warfare.”

¹⁶
No; there was nothing for it but to strike out on my own; to follow my own dreams, and pursue my own vision, and make my own fortune; relying on nothing but my own grit, and pluck, and infinite power over the space-time continuum.

¹⁷
And so I began my story; and so I begin it now.

¹⁸
Yet there is one more truth I would have thee bear in mind before I commence; for it is the prism through which all revelation herein contained must pass to be seen clearly.

¹⁹
I am not perfect.

²⁰
Yea, I am omnipotent; but there are mortals tramping thy corridors of power who are nearly so, at least within the earthly dominion; and does their great might foster in them perfect righteousness? Or are they not mostly bastards?

²¹
Yea, I am omniscient; but there are mortals waddling the casinos of Las Vegas possessing nearly all information on the handicapping arts; yet does their great knowledge foster in them perfect judgment? Or did they not just lose their shirts on the Seahawks +2½?

²²
And so, Reader, as thou flippest through these awe-inspiring pages, be not surprised to discover that over the millennia I have erred on matters great and small, and even at times shown slight defects of character.

²³
For despite all the sobriquets listed above, and all the wondrous attributes contained within me, I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be.

²⁴
I have claimed only, that my imperfections are thy fault.

CHAPTER 2

¹
T
he most important thing about undertaking a large-scale building project such as a universe, is to divide it into small, manageable action items.

²
For if thou seest it as a single large operation, thou art bound to become discouraged, and say to thyself, “Oh, I shall never manage to build a whole universe in six days; it is just too darn hard.”

³
So knowing the pitfalls of this approach, I banished it from my thinking from day one (Day One), and laid the week out as a series of attainable goals: the first being the relatively simple task, of creating the heavens and the earth.