The Law of Motion (Law Series) (68 page)

             
“What? I can’t lie to Adrian.”

             
“Give me a second sweetie.” Doc requested sounding like she was older than twenty three. Standing and walking out of the den, “Roslyn, come with me please.”

             
I felt like an asshole as I listened to their disagreement outside the door. Several points were tossed around in the minutes of whispering. Ross knew Adrian would be pissed if he knew they lied to him, especially about me.  Doc knew that if I didn’t want him to know it was for a reason and since I tended to never cry something had to be seriously wrong and she intended to find out what.

             
The end result was that if—no
when
— Adrian called, she would handle it. “Honey, did Adrian do something?” She asked softly coming back into the room by herself.

             
I nodded. “He asked me to
marry
him.” I broke again, wiping my nose.

             
“And you don’t want to marry Adrian?” She pressed softly after I sobbed a bit more.

             
I shook my head. “No, I do. That’s the problem, I
can’t
marry Adrian.”

             
It must have taken all of Doc’s patience to hide her confusion because all I got was a raised eyebrow. “I don’t understand, why can’t you marry Adrian?”

             
“Because I’m a
liar
and a
fraud
!” I burst wiping my face again. “He wants me to me to be a wife, and he wants a family, and I can’t be all that he wants.”

             
“You mean you’re
afraid
that you can’t be all of that or you’ll lose who you are?” She guessed in understanding.

             
“No,” I shook my head. “I
can’t
be all of that.”

             
“And why can’t you be? Kristen and I have had no trouble adjusting to—”

             
“I can’t have children Doc!” I burst before going into another round of uncontrollable sobs. That was the first time I had ever voiced it aloud and I didn’t feel that ‘release’ they say you’re supposed to feel when you were carrying a secret.

             
Doc’s breath caught, and her face grew soft and she was about to say something before Ross knocked on the door. “Hey, uh… I made some tea,” She offered as she entered. She eyed me sympathetically; she was no better at helping people having emotional breakdowns than me.  “Here you go Chance,” she coaxed, passing me the red mug filled with Lemon Zinger, “this will warm you up.”

             
“Thanks,” I whispered using the mug to warm my hands. “Sorry I’m interrupting your night.”

             
“We weren’t up to anything anyway,” Ross shrugged. “Just focus on whatever’s wrong.”

             
“You’re the sweetest Roslyn,” Tawny declared thanking her wife, giving her a kiss on the lips before she excused herself.

             
Doc let me nurse my tea for a good three or four sips in peace before she went on. “Alyssa, you don’t know if you can have children or not. You’ve never had a relationship serious enough to try.”

             
I shook my head. “Dr. Roberts, told me a while ago.”

             
“Dr. Roberts?” Doc perked up, putting her mug down. “Alyssa you never told us you’ve been to see a doctor! What did he say
exactly?!?!”
She demanded, more serious and worried that something was actually wrong with me and I wasn’t just being dramatic due to fear of a more serious commitment.

             
To be honest I didn’t really listen to what he said past the “I’m sorry Miss Marshall, but I’m afraid the probability of you conceiving…” I hated doctors; the fake sympathy and compassion were things I could see for free in my line of work every day.

             
Yet tears still involuntarily filled my eyes, and I found myself barely able to retell the parts I remembered, the only way to get it out was to detach. “Something about excessive scar tissue, even asked me if I’ve had any ‘severe abdominal injuries’ in the past.”

             
I remembered trying not to scoff an ‘are you kidding’ at him, opting instead to thank him for his time and make my exit.

             
I looked up at Doc, her tears brimming over the edge, the whites that made her chocolate eyes normally pop were now tinted pink as tears fell. “Oh, my God, it’s my fault.  I am
so
sorry Alyssa.”

             
I didn’t follow. “What?”

             
She put her mug down with a shaky hand taking both of hers to cradle mine on my lap. “All of these years I’ve been treating you instead of sending you to an actual doctor. Maybe they could have done better than I.”

             
I shook my head at her, “No, I knew long before I even met you. Don’t ever think you did this. Dr. Roberts was just a second opinion and silly hopefulness.”

             
The thought of how long I had actually known hit her as she wiped at her eyes. “All this time you didn’t tell anyone Alyssa. You’ve never kept anything serious from us. You even let me put you on
birth control
! Alyssa, why didn’t you tell me?”

             
She seemed hurt, as I thought about the answer, keeping my eyes on our hands as we spoke. “I don’t know Doc. I guess it was just always easier than explaining.”

             
“You should have never been afraid to come to us. There is so much we could have done. Researched different treatments, there are surgeries for that. They can put you under and go in—“

             
I stopped her, “Doc I wasn’t thinking about the possibility of even being with anyone. As far as invasive surgery goes, I can barely handle being touched. Do you really think I’d let someone put me asleep and do God knows what?”

             
She thought for a moment. “You have a point, but there are other treatments we could have looked at I’m sure.”

             
“I accepted the fact that I’d never be a mother a long time ago and it never was an issue until I met…” I couldn’t choke out his name, and the tears come back.

             
“Until you met Adrian…” She finished.

I nodded in full tear mode. My words stuttering, “He wants k-kids
so
badly.”

“He wants
you
badly.” Doc stressed, “He’s asked you to marry him.”

“I can’t marry him Doc,” I sniffled, “I can’t give him what he wants. I should have ended us a long time ago. I was just so
happy
… I kept thinking just maybe it would work out.”

“Tell him, and it will work out.” She promised wrapping her arms around me tightly.
             

I shook my head in her chest completely losing it as she rubbed the top of my head. “He can’t change for me. I can’t hurt him anymore, Doc. I can’t, I can’t.” I kept repeating as she tried to soothe me.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I did remember hearing her outside the door with Ross when I woke up.

“Is she ok? I’ve never seen Chance loose her shit like that,” Ross whispered.

“It’s because she never
has
Roslyn, and I’m willing to bet Adrian is the same way right about now.” Doc sighed and I could picture her running a hand through her hair as she thought. “Shit it’s already six; we have a meeting at seven. We’ll take her there and hopefully the girls and I can talk some sense in her.”

“What’s wrong with her?” Ross inquired.

“She thinks it’s best… to leave Adrian…” Tawny answered.

“Wha—?” Ross questioned a little louder. Doc shushed her, but she continued. “Why would she do that?”

“I can’t tell you that Ross, you know how private she is…” Tawny answered apologetically.

“I know, but whatever it is I hope you girls can fix it because I’d hate to see Adrian if she ends it.”



When I finished the retelling of this morning events, Tink and Kristen were in tears just as Doc had been.

“Chance you should have told us. We’ve always told each other everything.” Tink whispered. “Why?”

“I don’t know Tink, embarrassment maybe. I didn’t want you guys feeling sorry for me more than you already did.” I answered unable to control my own silent tear dam as I spoke.

Kristen wrapped me in an embrace saying nothing, then Tink wrapped her arms around my torso, and before I knew it all three of them were holding me, and I never felt more loved by them than in that moment.

“We understand why you didn’t tell us, but get it through your head that we
fucking
love you.” Kristen ordered wiping her eyes and pulling away. I nodded.

“And you’re way too
kick ass
to ever be felt sorry for.” Tink added making the atmosphere in the room a little lighter.

“I’m glad you guys understand.” My smiled fading when we no longer were touching and I remembered the rest of my problems. “Tink, do you think that I can stay with you and Jackson until I find a new place?”

Tink looked pointedly to Doc and then back at me. “Chance…” She started hesitantly.

“What is it Tink?” I sighed leaning against the table.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, because you know you’re welcome any time you want, but what’s wrong with your home?”

I sighed, “It’s kind of hard to leave Adrian if I have to see him every day at home. I thought you guys understood.”

Kristen butted in, “We understand why you feel the way you do, but it isn’t a reason to leave Adrian.”

“You and him are perfect for each other Chance.” Tink agreed.

I shook my head in disbelief, “Adrian wants to get married, have kids and I can’t do those.”

“Why can’t you? I understand you can’t conceive your own, but there a
re so many options. We can try treatments, adoption, invitro—” Doc took one look at my face and adjusted, “Maybe not invitro but you’re not limited. You and Adrian have already made it through every obstacle that was put in front of you this is just one more you can overcome.”

“What if I don’t
want
to overcome anything else guys?” They all looked at me like I was insane so I continued. “Adrian has already adjusted his entire life for me. He’s no longer a Merc, he’s moved to another state, everything he does is thinking about me. If it affects me he won’t do it.

We can’t work this out without him giving up what he wants in some way. I won’t do that to him anymore. I won’t break his heart and watch him settle for an alternative anymore.”

“You make it seem like it’s a bad thing. Adrian, wanting those things with you.” Kristen sighed.

“He never was the settling down type before.” I pointed, and part of me wished it were that way still.

Doc sighed as well, “Chance, you said you didn’t want to break Adrian’s heart and watch him just live with it. Don’t you think
leaving
him would do that?”

“Adrian will have
no
issue finding someone else to—fill my shoes.” I hesitated for a second forcing myself to talk over the giant lump that formed in my throat at the thought of him with someone else.

Kristen sighed, “Adrian has women throwing themselves at him even if he isn’t on the market, yes, but he wants
you
.”

“Adrian wasn’t the settle down type until
you
made him that way Alyssa.” Doc agreed.

“Guys this is my decision.” I declared wiping what was left of my tears from my face.

“We know it’s your decision Chance, but as your friends it’s our job to tell you when you’re making the wrong one.” Kristen sighed, “You at least need to talk it over with him, you can’t just leave.”

“We won’t let you sabotage yourself because you’re scared.” Tink reasoned.

It was pointless to argue with them, I could tell by the set of their mouths. If I left without a word, I would have no one. This was what I had pushed them to. My mind scanned over the possible allies I would have if I ticked off my girls.

Macon wouldn’t get involved, and Jackson would also attempt to remain Switzerland. Ross however, was loyal to Adrian until the end. I was sure I would be viewed as the girl that broke her brother’s heart as soon as I walked out.

Then I felt a small sense of relief because I knew if everyone turned their backs on me, I had an outside ally, one that had no lines. “Well I wish that I could stay with one of you, but I’m sure I could ask Hunt if I could crash there until this is all over.”

Tink’s mouth dropped, Kristen threw a tired hand in the air, and Doc immediately snapped back with a “No you won’t.”