The Life List (The List Trilogy) (41 page)

“
I have to call him back
! We’re in the middle of a divorce!”

“Right, so what the hell is there to talk about?”

Good point. Fuck!

“You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never been married!”

“No, but I’ve been in love, and I wouldn’t blow off the person I’m in love with.”

“I’M NOT BLOWING YOU OFF!”

“Who’s it gonna be, Chrissy, me or him?”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

“I’m doing this to
you
? You sure you wanna go there?”

“Leo, I’ve done horrible things to that man!”

“YOU’VE DONE HORRIBLE THINGS TO
THIS
MAN!”

Again, good point. Jesus, he should’ve been a lawyer instead of an investment banker.

“Look, you might despise him because he didn’t take care of me the way you would’ve, but he did the best he could. And for most of the time I was with him, I made him think his best was good enough. None of this is his fault, and I’m not gonna be mean to him just because I fell ass backwards into your lap at some bar!”

Oopsy. I think I just ruined graduation night.

“Hey, I didn’t ask you to talk to me at Buckley’s! I was willing to let you walk away, remember?”

“Here’s a good idea, let me walk away now!”

I slam the door to my bedroom and pick up the phone to call Kurt back. But before I start dialing, I press my ear up to the wall to see if I can figure out what Leo’s doing. Silence. The line rings only once before Kurt picks up.

“Chrissy, what the hell,
divorce
?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“I’m sorry, Kurt. I don’t know what else to tell you. I guess that’s why I left it on your machine.”

“My family doesn’t even know we’re…what am I gonna tell them?”

“It’s your choice how you want to handle it.”

“
Why are you doing this
?”

“One day, when you’re far away from all of this, it’ll all make sense.”

“Are those Dr. Maria’s words or yours?!”

“Kurt, I gotta go. We can talk more when I get back from Mexico.”

“Who the hell are you going to Mexico with?”

Remember Chrissy…no more lies!

“I’m going with that guy, the one I’m sort of dating.” That sounded plain old icky.

“But Kurt, don’t freak out, it’s no big deal.”

“NO BIG DEAL?!
Are you serious about this guy
?”

Here’s the thing. Since I met Leo, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m not leaving Kurt for him, I’m leaving Kurt for myself. And even though all of my failed attempts to break it off with Leo prove otherwise, it’s the truth; I’m leaving Kurt so that I can be free to fulfill my dreams, if Leo’s a part of those dreams…great. If he’s not, I’ll be better off alone than I’ll ever be if I stay married to Kurt. I’d
like
to tell Kurt I’m serious about Leo because I’m tired of hiding and pretending, but if I do, he’ll ignore all the
real
reasons I told him this happened to us. Kurt can call me a quitter all he wants, I just want him to be as knowledgeable as possible about why I quit. I CANNOT have Leo be a distraction from the truth.

“No, I’m not serious about him! It’s just a trip to Mexico with a group of people and he’ll be there too.”

“He’s gonna try to sleep with you! What are you gonna do when that happens?”

“I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself.”

“But I don’t want you to be in the position to have to say no to him. I’m not gonna get off the phone until you promise me you’re not gonna go to Mexico.”

“Kurt, I paid for the trip and I’m going.”

“Chrissy, it’s not too late for us to fix whatever mistakes we made, but if you go on this trip, it will be.”

The
only way
he’ll recognize it’s too late to fix us is if I
do
go to Mexico.

“Babe, don’t be stupid about this.”

“Kurt, I… I…”

“You what?”

Hold on, that wasn’t Kurt’s voice. Oh my God,
is Leo on the phone
?

“Who the hell was that, Chrissy?!”

Very slowly, with the receiver glued to my head, I open my bedroom door and peak around the corner to find Leo in the kitchen holding the other receiver. His eyes are cold and violent and they’re glaring right at me.

“Go ahead and tell him who it is,
Babe
. Wait, before you do that, why don’t you tell your husband if you guys can be fixed.”

“Hey asshole, don’t talk to my wife like that.”

“Hey asshole, you’ve been talking to her like that for years.”

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

“Are you the fucker who thinks he’s going to Mexico with my wife?”

“Listen to you…
my wife, my wife
. Last I heard she wasn’t
your
wife anymore.”

Oh shit, I gotta put a stop to this.

“Hold on a sec, guys! Can we just hang up and…”

“Fuck you! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Up until today I thought we were trying to work things out! Chrissy, I’m on my way over there, and when I get there, that punk better be gone.

Chrissy? You hear me? Chrissy?!”

Leo slowly places the receiver on the counter, tilts his head to the side and glares at me. He looks like Charles Manson…no wait…Mike Tyson. This is NOT gonna end well.

“
You were working things out
?”

 I am so busted.

“Leo, calm down. I told you I needed to take this slow.”

“How can
he
think you’re working things out when you told me you already filed for divorce?”

I finally did the hard part by telling Kurt about a divorce this afternoon. Everything after that was supposed to be easy…except I hadn’t figured out how I was gonna explain the year long delay to Leo yet. I
thought
I had at least a week to work out the logistics of that.

Leo walks up to me and stands about an inch away from my face. It actually makes me flinch a little. Dear Lord Jesus that I don’t believe in, please don’t let me end up like Nicole Brown Simpson tonight.

“
He has no idea who I am, does he
?”

Shaking my head.

“
He has no clue you’re anywhere near divorce, does he
?”

Still shaking my head. He’s literally scaring me straight.

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO ME?!”

“Leo, wait! I’ve been trying to be sensitive to the situation, but I realize I’ve made a much bigger mess of things than…”

“
Sensitive
? Fuck you! You’ve been manipulative and you’ve been jerking me around for almost two years. You knew exactly what you were doing, and now I do too. There’s no Mexico, there’s no more us.

Do you understand?!”

“Wait, please don’t go. I can fix this!”

I grab his arm as he attempts to leave. His muscle is flexed crazy huge and it scares me just as much as his eyes.

“Leo, please… I’m almost free to be with you.” He jerks his arm away from me.

“You’ll never be with me.”

“Please don’t say that, I love you.”

“Do you know how hard I worked for this day?
DO YOU
?”

“I know and I’m…”

I’m hysterically crying but that doesn’t stop him from continuing to beat me down.

“You know what, Chrissy, I was gonna take the Robertson Stevens job. I even found an apartment in San Francisco that I wanted us to move into, and I was gonna take you to see it tomorrow. I wanted to start a life with you and give you everything you ever wanted because that’s what I
thought
you’ve already given me. But you’ve done nothing but suck away two years of my life. I changed my mind, I’m taking the Lehman job. I’m going to New York so I can be as far away from you as possible. Stay married to that guy, for all I care.”

After he slams the door, and I hear his car peel away, I fall to the floor in absolute horror. It’s over, I’ve been exposed. If it wasn’t for the hard knock at the door fifteen minutes later, I’d probably still be sitting there in shock. “Oh thank God!” I scramble to the door in a sort of half crawl jog motion and fling it open, hoping to be scooped up by Leo and carried to my bed.

“This little marriage hiatus you’ve been on is over. We’re packing this place up tomorrow, and you’re coming home so we can actually try to put this relationship back together.”

Deflated, exhausted, and crushed, I close my eyes and exhale when I address him .

“I am home, Kurt.”

“Goddamn it, would you stop this already!”

“I have an attorney, and if you want to end this amicably, she’s willing to represent both of us. I’ll have her draw up the papers and you can decide what you want to do after you read them. Good night.”

I slump down the back of the closed door and similar to what some say happens in death, the happiest moments that I shared with Kurt and Leo start to flash through my mind. The visions are a jumbled mess, but each one is as crystal clear as the pain I feel in my heart right now: my first official date to the ice cream parlor with Kurt when I was sixteen, sitting on the barstool next to Leo the night I met him, getting the keys to my first dilapidated home with Kurt, standing in the rain searching for Leo the day after I met him, my first camping trip with Kurt, making out with Leo at The Sweetwater Saloon, the day at the beach when Kurt asked me to marry him, the trip to Banana Republic when Leo bought me my ring, the day Kurt and I got our dog, the night I completely gave myself to Leo, my beautiful wedding day, slamming into Leo at The Red Devil Lounge, the first time I held Kurt’s hand, when Leo’s hand reached out to grab his college diploma.

“I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.”

I crawl over to the two glasses of champagne I poured an hour ago.

“Here’s to goodbye.”

Tomorrow’s gonna hurt real bad.

Ouchy

August, 1999

Not only did the day after the double break-up hurt real bad, but so has every day after that, especially the week after Leo’s graduation when we were supposed to be in Mexico. I showed up at the airport hoping he had decided to forgive me, but he hadn’t. I boarded the plane and spent the next five days at the Palmilla Resort crying myself to death in front of the bartender named Cornelio, or was it Cordero? Who cares, I don’t even think he understood a word I was saying and it wasn’t the language barrier that got in the way either; it was the babbling baby talk made even more unclear by the never-ending cascade of tears streaming down my face.

I’ve been back on Dr. Maria’s couch more times than I’ve had the cash in my pocket to pay for, and sometimes we don’t even talk, I just don’t want to cry alone anymore. My job satisfaction is at an all-time low, I hate everyone there, and I hate getting up in the morning to face them. They’re all selfish savages that suck what little amount of life I have left in me. Most days it seems like the only thing I have the energy to do is lift a wine glass. The only good news I have to share is that I finally met with my attorney to get the ball rolling on the divorce.

Confirmation of Leo’s move to New York came when I hacked into his voicemail and heard a lovely message from Taddeo. In it he said he’d pick Leo up at the airport on July nineteenth at five in the evening, show him “their” place, and then hit the town for a night of “debauchery.”

The message was topped off with a nice big
BLEHHHHH
. I can only imagine the debauchery; it makes those two bar hopping gutter sluts he was with at the Red Devil Lounge seem like a couple of nuns. I do my best to shake off the sick thoughts of Leo sleeping with other women in New York City by almost doing it myself. Yes, to numb my pain, I’ve turned into quite the Courtney Love party girl these days, even traveling to Los Angeles to hang out with Mark, the tatted-up defense attorney.

For security reasons, I brought Slutty Co-worker with me to L.A. During the day, we lunched at The Ivy where she made a fool out of herself gawking at celebrities, and I drank myself into oblivion. Then at night, we partied our asses off in the V.I.P. section of The Viper Room. No waiting in line for anything. Mark is super dialed in and hangs with people that I’m fairly certain I see every night on Entertainment Tonight. Normally his posse would scare the crap out of me, but the massive amounts of alcohol I now consume makes me comfy cozy around pretty much anyone. It’s like I’m one with the Playboy bunnies and drug dealers we sit amongst. I’m not the fun kind of party girl, though. I’m the sarcastic one who drinks as much as she can to forget about what a mess her life has turned into. But, drunk or not, my intentions for going to Los Angeles were clear. Do the things with boys that Leo’s doing with girls.

“Can I get you another vodka tonic?”

I can’t tell if Mark has one head or two or if it’s even him I’m staring at for that matter.

“I’ll take four.”

“You’re cute, you know that?”

“Yep.”

“Dance with me.”

The last time I danced was with Leo at The Red Devil Lounge.

He held me so close. He smelled so good. I NEED MY DRUGS!!!!!!

Shake it off, girl!

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“Come on, I won’t hurt you.”

You can’t.

Mark pulls me to my feet and out to the dance floor where he wraps his neon dragon painted arms around my waist. This doesn’t feel right. Who cares though, Chrissy, just be a guy! Think of how many times Leo’s probably done this since he went away. Oh my God, I want to kill someone right now! Shake it off!

“Are you okay?”

“Just a little tipsy, I guess.”

“Are you too tipsy to feel this?”

And then there it was, my first skanky unfamiliar kiss. Granted I didn’t know Leo very long before I kissed him, only a few hours. But it was as if I knew him my entire life. This feels dreadful.

“I’m sorry, Mark, I can’t. You’re an incredible guy…”

Sorta.

“But, my mind is elsewhere these days, and I can’t do this.”

“It’s cool. Maybe I’ll do something throughout the night to make you change your mind.”