The Life of Anna, Part 5: Emerged (6 page)

It was Monday afternoon, and she and Hugo had
been dancing since ten-thirty that morning with a brief break for
lunch. She didn’t know how much more she could take.

“C’mon, Kittycat. One more time and then
we’ll call it a day.”

She smiled at the nickname he’d come up with
for her. If nothing else, her new name certainly allowed for
interesting variations. A new experience indeed.

Hugo handed her a towel to wipe her face.
“You’re doing fantastic, Katrina. Don't give up.”

Anna gave him a doubtful look as she patted
her face. “I don’t understand how you move so fast. I don’t think
my body was made for that.”

He gave her that brilliant grin of his.
“You’d be surprised. You’ll get it. We have all week.” His eyes
glinted with humor.

“A week, huh?” She couldn’t help but grin
back. His smiles were contagious. “All right.” She groaned as she
straightened.

“After we’re done, I’ll buy you dinner. How
does that sound?”

Anna gave him a shy smile. “Okay.”

He chuckled and walked to the front of the
room and nodded to the pianist. The music began and Anna danced.
She hoped it would soon become as exhilarating as it seemed it
should be.

By Saturday afternoon, Anna was feeling more
confident in her dancing. Something had clicked that morning and
she finally “got it.” Hugo cheered as she finished the dance.

“That was...amazing, Katrina. Truly amazing.”
He came to stand in front of her with a huge smile on his dark
face. “Good job,” he said in a softer tone. “I knew you could do
it, Kittycat.” His eyes glowed as he looked at her.

Anna gazed up into his topaz eyes and her
heart fluttered. They had spent hours and hours and hours together
this week, and she had grown quite fond of him. She smiled shyly
and turned to get her water bottle but he grabbed her hand.

“Dance with me,” he said, his voice low. He
looked at Suzie, the pianist. “Giselle, second act.”

Anna shook her head. “No, I can't....” She
had spent all week trying to immerse herself into Katrina and that
dance was too much a part of Anna. She was afraid of slipping
back.

The music started and she stood with her eyes
closed. It swirled around her like a silk ribbon and she was
powerless to resist. Her body moved of its own accord, her eyes
still closed, remembering. She danced for Alex. She mourned for him
through her dance, as if dancing could somehow heal the wound his
death had left. She and Hugo danced as one and he lifted her
effortlessly and supported her with his strong hands.

When the music ended, she opened her eyes and
realized she had danced the entire thing with her eyes closed.
Tears burned her eyes and she turned away so Hugo wouldn’t see.

“Who was he?” he asked softly, holding her
hand to keep her from walking away.

She turned back to him, surprised. “Who was
who?”

“The one you danced for. I could...feel your
emotions. You were mourning.” He shook his head. “I’ve never seen
anyone dance like you do, Katrina.”

He watched her expectantly as she wiped her
eyes. “My husband,” she said softly. “Alex. He died four years
ago…almost
exactly
four years ago.” It was the beginning
of April. Almost to the day when Wilhelm came to tell her that Alex
was gone.

“You must have married very young.”

“I was twenty.” She looked down at her ring
and shook her head. “We weren’t even married three months when he
died. I keep asking myself why I still wear my wedding ring.” She
felt kind of silly still wearing the ring, but she couldn’t bring
herself to take it off, even though Devin wasn’t around to make her
wear it. “He meant the world to me,” she said softly. Alex had
saved her.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.” She sighed. “You must think I’m
silly, hanging on to him for so long.”

“Sometimes people leave such a deep imprint
on our hearts that they never go away.” Hugo gave her a sad smile
and the pain showing in his eyes made her wonder if there was
someone who had made him feel the same way.

Maybe that’s what it was. Alex had touched
her in such a way that her heart was permanently altered. Did
moving on...
really
moving on...betray his love? Betray her
love for him? It had been four years. Perhaps it was time to really
let him go. Letting him go didn’t mean she didn’t love him anymore.
It didn’t mean that he hadn’t touched her; Alex had touched her
unlike anyone else had. And that was okay.

She smiled up at Hugo, her chest lightened by
the thought. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“What you just said. It...made sense
suddenly.”

Alex would want her to be happy. He’d told
her that many times. And now that she was free from Devin...maybe
she really could leave her past behind her and start over.

Anna lay in bed later that night, pensive and
rubbing the indentation on her right ring finger. When she’d
returned home from rehearsal that afternoon she’d decided it really
was time to move on, and she removed her wedding ring for the first
time ever. She had kissed it and put it in her new memory box, next
to Alex’s wedding ring. It was a bittersweet moment.

Hugo had taken her out to dinner and a movie
and she’d had a wonderful time. He was sweet and funny and a
“normal” man.

When he’d walked her to her apartment door
that night, she didn’t invite him in. She reminded herself she was
under no obligation to sleep with him. They’d only known each other
for a week and normal, free people didn’t sleep with each other so
quickly.

But he had kissed her.

Anna touched her mouth, remembering the
feeling of his soft lips on hers. He’d tasted of the popcorn they’d
gotten at the movie. The kiss was gentle, tentative even, and made
her head spin a little. He hadn’t pressed himself against her or
done anything other than hold her hands. Strange, foreign, but
exhilarating.

She smiled and drifted off to sleep.

It was the room again. Anna hadn’t seen
it in months. But it was different; it was empty. The bed was
stripped down to the mattress. The bookshelves were cleared off.
Alex was gone.

Anna’s eyes snapped open in the dark room.
Alex was gone? How could someone be gone from a dream? But there
was no doubt about it. No one lived in that room anymore.

Maybe that was a sign that she’d made the
right decision; that she’d finally let him go. She didn’t need him
in her dreams any longer.

The thought was bittersweet.

Alex would always be in her heart, but she
could move on now. Her mind had released him.

Anna went for a walk late Sunday morning and,
after she’d eaten, found herself at the library. There was
something about the big white marble building that soothed her
whirring mind. She had finished the book she’d borrowed the
previous week and wandered around the third floor until she found a
section on ballet. She settled down on the floor between the
bookshelves and pulled one of the picture books into her lap.

“You can check those books out, you
know.”

Anna looked up to see an older, wiry man with
thin gray hair and wire-rimmed glasses looking down at her.

“Or we have more comfortable chairs over
there.” He motioned behind him.

Anna smiled shyly. “I know...I just...it’s
quiet here.”

The man chuckled. “Yes, it can get a little
noisy on the weekends. People don’t seem to understand what quiet
means anymore.”

Anna smiled. “I can imagine.”

“You were just here last week, weren’t
you?”

Anna’s eyes widened and she flushed. “Yeah. I
liked it so much I came back. It’s a beautiful building.”

The man leaned his shoulder against the end
of the bookcase. “It is. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere
else.”

“You work here? What a wonderful job to
have!”

He tilted his head and studied her then
nodded with a smile. “I’m Max. Max Richardson. I’m the head
librarian here.”

Anna stood and shook his hand. “A...Katrina.
I just moved here from California.”

“California, eh? That’s quite a change. What
brought you here?”

“Oh, uh...dancing.” She shrugged
sheepishly.

“Ballet?” he asked with a grin.

Anna looked down at the book she was holding.
“Yeah. I just joined the City Ballet.”

“Wow. That’s quite impressive.”

Anna didn’t feel that Max was trying to flirt
or come on to her at all. He was just a nice, older gentleman who
was very friendly. “Thank you.”

“I take my granddaughters to the Nutcracker
every year. They love it.”

“I understand the Nutcracker is very
different here than what I’m used to.” She laughed. “Well,
everything is very different here.”

Max laughed with her. “Yes, the East and West
coasts do tend to be quite different. We’re a bit
more...uptight.”

Anna decided she liked Max. He was funny and
didn’t seem uptight in the least.

Max studied her for a long moment. “Why is a
pretty thing like you hanging out in a library on a weekend?”

Anna blushed again. “I like reading. I
haven’t been to a library in years and...,” she sighed. “There’s
nothing like it.”

The man chuckled again. “You’re an unusual
young woman.”

“I’ve been told that.”

He smiled. “Have you been on the tour?”

“Oh, yes. It was wonderful.” Anna sighed. “I
was going to go again but I got here too late.”

Max chuckled “I’ll let you get back to your
reading. I was just curious about you. Most young people don’t come
in two weeks in a row.” He gave her a last smile and then walked
away.

Anna smiled and then sat down again where she
had earlier and finished looking through the book, happy at finding
a new friend.

Aaron was there when she got back to her
apartment. She laughed and ran to him, hugging him tightly. “I
missed you,” she said, gazing up at him. “How was your trip?”

He smiled, but not as enthusiastically as
she’d expected. “Good. Interesting. Dancing went well.” He glanced
at the kitchen table. “Who got you the flowers?”

Anna followed his gaze and smiled,
remembering Hugo standing at the apartment door with the huge
bouquet of different types of beautiful flowers. “Hugo. He brought
them last night before he took me out to dinner.”

“Oh.” Aaron frowned and stepped away from
her. “Are you guys dating?”

She blinked in confusion at his sudden
coldness. “I...I don’t know. We went out a few times after
practice. Why are you upset?”

Aaron turned and walked to the window, hands
in his hair on top of his head. After a pause, he lowered his hands
and turned around to face her, his eyes pained. “God, Anna, you get
here, I have to leave for a week—
one week!
—and when I get
home you already have a boyfriend.”

“I don't think he’s—”

“I have waited and waited for another chance
with you.” He stormed across the room and grabbed her upper arms.
“I was your first boyfriend and we never got a chance to try again
like we said we would. You kept pushing me away. I thought....” He
paused and swallowed. “I thought with you moving out here, we could
give ‘us’ a chance. But no!” he spat. “You have to go out and—” He
turned away again. “God, don’t I ever get a second chance?” His
voice softened.

Anna stared at his back, speechless. “Aaron,
I didn’t know you wanted—”

“You didn’t know?” he exclaimed spinning
around. “Anna, you can read men like a billboard, and you think you
can claim you don’t know I’m still in love with you?”

Anna’s chest tightened. “You’re my best
friend—”

“I don't want to be your best friend, Anna,”
he snapped. “That’s a death sentence to a guy.”

Anna blinked, now hurt by his words and his
tone. He was so angry. At her. He’d never been angry with her
before.

“
I
am the one Alex asked to watch
over you.
I
am the one Wilhelm asked to watch over you.
God!” He whirled back around and looked out the window. “Can’t you
just be single for a while before you go off fucking some new
guy?”

Anna winced as if he had struck her. “I
haven’t fucked Hugo,” Anna retorted after a pause. “He kissed me.
That’s it.”

Aaron snorted and turned back around to look
at her, derision in his face. “Anna, you can’t go a week without
fucking someone. You don’t need to lie about it.”

Anna pressed her hand hard to her heart as
the air rushed out her lungs. She gulped for oxygen. “Why would I
lie about something like that?” she asked softly. After Tommy had
left her, her desire for sex had faded. He had used her and then
left. She didn’t want to feel that way again. She had successfully
deflected the physical need with her own hand several times, but
hadn’t really been tempted to go out and find someone.

He looked down. “You took your wedding ring
off?” he asked softly, blinking in surprise.

She glanced down at her right hand. “It was
time.” She looked back up at Aaron. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,
Aaron. I’m sorry I did. But you
are
my best friend, Aaron.
You’re one of a handful of people here who know what I really am.
Please don't be angry with me. I need you.”

Aaron sighed and shook his head. “I’m not
angry. I’m jealous.”

“Jealous?”

He nodded. “I was thinking about you all week
and was looking forward to coming home and...being with you and
then I saw the flowers and I thought I’d missed my chance. Again.”
His jaw clenched. “I wanted the chance to ask you out again. To see
if there is still anything between us.”

Anna reached up and cupped Aaron’s cheek. “I
love being with you. I love spending time with you. I love that I
live with you.” She smiled. “I do love you, Aaron. With all of my
heart. I can’t imagine being here without you. You broke my heart
when you left me before.” She looked up into his denim-blue eyes.
“I want to find out, too. But I also want to...figure out who I am.
To find out what it means to make my own choices. To not be defined
as ‘Devin’s Mistress’ or ‘sex slave’ or even ‘Alex’s wife.’’’ She
swallowed. “I’ve never just been me.”