The Lightning-Struck Heart (10 page)

“Big ears,” Gary said. “Couldn’t dance.”

“He precious,” Tiggy said. “Turned color of strawberries at all things.”

“Yes,” I said. “He
was
. And maybe I just wanted to dance fuck with him, not Ryan.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Gary said. “Todd was an appetizer. Ryan was the main course covered in dessert.”

“I thought I was the buffet?” I asked, confused.

“You were. It’s… that… okay, too many food metaphors. I’m trying to be subtle here.”

“You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”

“It magical,” Tiggy said succinctly.

“The
point
is,” Gary said loudly, “when you were dancing with Todd, it was cute and clumsy and juvenile. When you were dancing with
Ryan
, I thought the entire room was going to choke on the tension.”

I groaned. “That’s the last thing I need. Because if you could see it, then others could too, and that’s how
rumors
start, and I seriously don’t need everyone knowing how I want to do… stuff… to him.”

“Stuff,” Gary mocked. “Prude. And trust me when I say it’s not just on you. He’s right there with you. You should have seen the glares he was giving Todd when you went through a second dance.”

“Lies,” I said with a scowl. “All lies. You know what? No. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. I don’t even care. I’m over it. Past it. Moving on. I’m going to march back in there and tell Todd that he’s going to take me out on a date and it will be awkward and nice and that’ll be that.”

Gary and Tiggy stared at me.

“What?” I asked.

“How can you not
see
it?” Gary asked incredulously.

“See what?”

“Gaaah!” he shrieked.

Tiggy shushed him soothingly. “It okay. Pretty Gary. It okay.”

“You guys are so weird,” I muttered.

“I love you,” Gary said. “But sometimes I want to kick your spleen in.”

“The feeling is mutual,” I assured him. “I don’t even—”

“Sam?” a voice said from behind us.

Because of course.

All three of us turned.

Ryan stood there next to a stand of my mother’s violets, the light from a nearby lantern falling perfectly across his face.

“Well fuck me upside the head,” I said.

He said, “What?”

And I said, “Absolutely nothing,” because my
mouth
.

“I heard screaming.”

“And you came running? Of course you did.” I sounded like I was in pain.

He shrugged. “I thought somebody might need help.”

Apparently being noble and righteous is a turn-on for me, so I might have drooled a bit. “That was just Gary,” I managed to say. “He does that sometimes. With the screaming.”

“It’s true,” Gary said with a dramatic sigh. “I seem to suffer from a very serious condition called obliviousness by proximity. It causes screaming and the occasional uncontrollable need to stomp stupid wizards for being stupid.”

“And it’s completely fatal,” I said with a glare. “So maybe make with the dying.”

Gary ignored me. “You just happened to be in the garden?” he asked Ryan.

Ryan stared back. “Exactly.”

“Finding a rosebush to make out with your fiancé?” His tone was gentle, but I’d known Gary a long time. He was not being gentle.

“Gary,” I hissed.

“Completely alone,” Ryan said.

“Is that right? It seems a betrothed knight commander wouldn’t need to be alone.”

“You would think.”

Gary’s eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure I don’t like you.”

“My world is crumbling,” Ryan said.

I might have laughed. Because
sass
.

Gary wasn’t as amused. “Gary knows how to kill a bitch.”

“You probably should run,” I told Ryan. “When he starts referring to himself in the third person, it usually means he’s about to go into one of his unicorn rages.”

“Unicorn rages?” Ryan asked.

“There’s glitter involved,” I said solemnly. “Glitter and sarcasm. You’ll be emotionally eviscerated. Not physically, because we haven’t gotten his horn back yet. Count your blessings.”

“Don’t think I need it to kick your ass, though!” Gary snarled, prancing backward and forward. Glitter started sprinkling in the air around him, sloughing off from his back and sides. We could never really quite figure out where it came from. Gary had said it was because his insides were so festive. I’d told him that was way lame. “Bring it on, pretty boy! Gary gonna bring the
pain
.”

“It would probably be more threatening if you weren’t angrily raining glitter,” Ryan said. “It’s hard to be intimidated when you’re so shiny.”

“This is amazing,” I whispered to no one in particular because no one was listening to me.

“
Shiny
?” Gary said, outraged. “I’ll show you
shiny
! When I am finished with my emotional onslaught, you won’t even understand the
concept
of self-esteem, much less how to have it!”

Tiggy said, “This gonna be ugly.”

“You’re adorable,” Ryan said, and he was adorable for
using
the word adorable. Especially since he sounded like he
meant
it.

And Gary must have heard it too. Especially since unicorns can tell when someone is lying. “I’ll
murder
your face and—wait. What?” Gary stopped prancing.

Ryan shrugged. “You’re adorable. With your angry glitter.”

And Gary
blushed
. His whole
face
. Never before in the strange and sordid history of our super-best friendship had I
ever
seen him blush. “Aww,” he said. He scuffed the ground with one hoof. “You just hush, you.” And then he
giggled
.

“What is even happening right now?” I said.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Gary said. “Ryan is in love with me. We’re going to run away together. Now shoo.” He turned back to Ryan, dismissing me completely. “Now,” he said. “Tell me more about myself.”

“It’s a love for the ages,” Ryan agreed with a small smile.

“You have to hand-feed me grapes,” Gary demanded. “Peeled frozen grapes. I will not accept anything less. I am the light of your life and you shall treat me as such.”

Ryan rubbed a hand along Gary’s nose and I was so pissed off because I wanted him to rub
my
nose. So I said, “Gary, you whore! He’s getting
married
!” Like I actually thought Ryan would fuck my unicorn best friend. Right?
Right
?

I heard the wicked curl in his tone even before I could comprehend Gary’s words, and only then did I realize just how much of a diabolical mastermind my best friend could be. He had
planned
this. Getting to this point. He was
evil
.

“Sam,” he said with a glance back at me. “Weren’t you saying something about marching back inside and asking Todd out on a date?”

And the somewhat cheery atmosphere died a quick and painful death.

I cursed Gary in my head. My fingers actually twitched with the beginnings of a banishing spell that could potentially send him to the ends of the known world, but I somehow was able to stop myself. Barely.

Why, though? It shouldn’t matter what Gary had said. I owed nothing to Ryan. He definitely owed nothing to me.

So I said, “Yeah, sure.” Because I was. Because I had
options
.

Ryan took a step back from Gary and dropped his hand.

And then he said flatly, “You’ll need a chaperone.”

I rolled my eyes. “Because that makes sense. It’s not like he can hurt me. I’m taller than him and can set him on fire.”

“It’s to protect your virtue,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

“My
virtue
?”

“Oh,” Gary said to Tiggy. “It’s so much more fun being on this side of things.”

“Why Sam loud?” Tiggy asked.

“It’s his default setting,” Gary said.

“It’s to make sure you stay safe,” Ryan said. “You’re important to m—to the Kingdom.”

“To the Kingdom,” Gary whispered.

“Right,” Tiggy whispered back, “the
Kingdom
.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect my
virtue
,” I snapped. “If I wanted to go out and fuck the first guy I saw, then I could. Or maybe I’d feel adventurous and find a lady! Maybe
both
. At the same time.”

“Sam, honey,” Gary called, breaking through the anger. “Remember you love the
mens
. No lady bits. Though you seem to have an unhealthy appreciation of boobs.”

“Okay,” I said. “Point. Breasts are fascinating.”

Ryan was pissed. “You’re not going to
fuck
anything.”

“Whoa.”

“What?”

“You just said
fuck
.”

“So?”

“But, you’re a
knight
. You can’t say things like
fuck
. You’re supposed to hug children and rescue kittens and slay fantastical beasts. You can’t say
fuck
. It’s unbecoming of someone of your position.”

“And you can?” He was back to being bemused.

I grinned. “You bet your fucking ass I can. I’m a wizard.”

“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.

Murder is bad. Murder is bad.
“
Regardless
, I am my own man. I don’t answer to anyone but myself.”

“And me,” Gary said.

“And Gary,” I allowed. Because it was true.

“And Tiggy,” Tiggy said.

“And Tiggy.” Because that was also true.

“And your mom,” Gary said. “And your dad. And Morgan. And the King.”

“Okay, them too.” I was not my own man at all.

Ryan smiled. It was not the nice one I’d seen earlier. “Good. I’ll ask the King about it, then.”

Mother
fucker.
“You fight dirty, Foxheart,” I grumbled.

“Hey, if I have to go through with it, then so do you,” he said, which brought significantly more questions than I wanted to deal with. Like did they ever ditch the chaperone? Did they run away and fuck in the forest? Was Ryan a virgin? A sweet, sweet virgin with a big, fat—

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. So not even going there.

“Not for much longer,” I said lightly. “Pretty soon, it’s married life for you.” That was easier to think about.

“Hey, Ryan?” Gary asked. “If you’re so concerned with Sam’s…
virtue
and importance to the
Kingdom
, why don’t you volunteer to be the chaperone? As Knight Commander of the King’s Guard, no one is more qualified than you to ensure the safety of his butthole.”

I muttered two dark syllables as the green fluttered around the edges of my vision. I snapped my fingers and Gary’s mouth was bound with shining twine. He glared at me while Tiggy laughed at him. Gary was a unicorn, so his magic would counteract my own in a few short minutes, but it shut him up for now. It was time to end this, and Ryan would laugh and I would laugh (while slowly withering on the inside), and then I’d go back inside and find some way to move to a different continent.

And then Ryan said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll tell the King immediately.” He turned tightly on his heel and started walking toward the ballroom.

Because. What? “
Hey
!”

“Don’t worry,” he called over his shoulder. “It’ll be a great first date. You’ll see.”

And then he was gone.

“What in the
fuck
just happened?” I breathed.

Gary’s magic finally negated my own and the twine fell away and disappeared. “I fell in love with Ryan, you got jealous, then I fell out of love with him because he seemed needy, you tied me up, I got half a chubby because it reminded me of Octavio, and now you have a date with Ryan. Oops. I mean Todd. Gosh, I’m beat. What a long night. Tiggy, take me to bed or lose me forever. Bye, Sam! Bye! Good night! Bye!”

And my night ended with me standing alone among my mother’s flowers saying “Wait,
what
?” as I looked up at the stars and wished for impossible things.

Ducks, Blueberries, and
Accidental Almost Hand Jobs