The List (27 page)

“You leaving?”

I nodded. “Yeah, it's late. I feel like I stayed too long.”

“No, you're okay. We were making good progress. Don't you want to finish?”

I shifted my bag to my other shoulder. “There's only a little left. You'll be fine without me.”

“Oh. Okay. Well. There's something I need to tell you.”

Oh, dear. The last time a man told me that, it was about herpes. “What's up, Jason?”

Jason shuffled his feet. “That's why I wanted you to come to the house instead of me trying to say something at the office.”

My stomach twisted. This couldn't be good.

“Okay.” I braced myself for the worst. Was he getting married and wanted me to organize a camera crew for the wedding? Was he having a secret love affair with Rayshawn and thought I should know? Were he and the girls moving to Nebraska?

He rubbed a hand over his head. “Umm, I know you've been wondering why I've been driving so hard at getting the shows edited so quickly. I know I've been pushing you and taking up a lot of your free time when you should be home or out with your girls or with that special someone or whatever you do when you're not at work. I was hoping we could be finished with everything by the end of the month 'cause I didn't want to leave you hanging. I probably should have skipped the shoots and started editing sooner, but you seemed to appreciate my input, and it had been so long since I got a chance to direct. In hindsight, that probably was a bad choice, but I really enjoyed myself.”

I frowned, unsure of where he was going.

“And it inspired me to go after it again. Made me realize God gave me a talent that I haven't been using. You know, when God gives you something, He means for you to use it. And it wasn't right for me to bury my gifts because I wanted to trust in a paycheck. I should have trusted in Him that my gifts would make room for me. But I'm a father and I've got my girls to think about, so I made what I thought was the best choice.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Okay?” Was there some hidden message I was supposed to be getting?

“And so anyway, God really used you to stir up my gift by letting me direct the shoots. And it really got me to praying and asking Him what I should be doing. In a way, I guess God used you in my life to get me back on track where I'm supposed to be. And I am really thankful for that. Just like you said I helped you make it to senior producer, you've really helped me get to the place where I know God ordained for me to be. I've really enjoyed working with you, and I appreciate—”

“Jason!” I put my hands on my head and squeezed. “What in the world are you talking about?”

He puffed out his cheeks and let out a deep breath. “I got a job with Tyler Perry studios. I'm supposed to start at the end of the month.”

My mouth fell open.

He winced. “Sorry. I know this is a bad time to leave you. But I have to do me. This is an awesome opportunity.”

“Wow. That's great, Jason. I'm happy for you. And don't apologize. You're far too good at what you do to be stuck in a BTV edit suite. You need to be somewhere big, making big things happen.”

He put a hand on my arm, and electric tingles shot up to my neck and shoulders.

“Thanks, Michelle. I'm glad you understand.”

“Of course, Jason. This is only the start of great things for you. You deserve it. God is faithful.”

“Yeah. He is.”

I turned toward the door. There were too many emotions flooding through me. More than my St. John's wort could handle. I was about to lose Jason. I turned back and gave him a weak smile. “I'm going to miss you. I've enjoyed working with you. I mean, I know you're not gone yet, but . . .”

He looked down at the floor. “Yeah. I'm gonna miss you too.” He shuffled his feet and put his hands in his pockets. “Unless of course . . .”

My heart flipped. “Unless of course, what?”

He folded his arms and took a deep breath. “Unless of course—”

“Daddy . . .” Candace's voice cut Jason off. “I'm thirsty. Can I have some water?”

Jason's eyes widened and he held up a finger. “Can you wait a second?”

I nodded. My poor heart was beating faster than God created it to.

He dashed into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water and dashed upstairs with it.

Within a few seconds, he was back. He exhaled and stood there for a few seconds. He finally said, “What I was trying to say was . . . unless you think—”

“Daddy . . .” Candace's voice rang out again. “I can't get it open. The top's on too tight.”

He held up a finger again and gave me a weak smile. He ran up the stairs again.

He came back after a few moments. He put a hand on the stair rail and collected himself. “What I mean is . . . what do you think about—”

“Daddy . . .” Candace seemed to have either the best or the worst timing. “It's too warm. Can you bring me some ice?”

He yelled up the stairs. “Candace, drink some water. Put the top back on and go to sleep. If I come up those stairs again, you won't be happy to see me.”

Silence.

Jason ran a hand across his head. I couldn't tell if he was frazzled by our conversation or by Candace.

“She is really blowing my game here.”

His game? Oh my.
I let out a nervous giggle.

He led me out the front door onto the porch. He left the door ajar, I guess to be able to hear the girls.

He stood, looking up at the sky for a second and finally spoke, “I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because I leave BTV doesn't mean you have to miss me. In fact, I hope to see more of you after I leave there. I mean, not more of you, because we see each other all day every day. I mean, not that I want to see less of you, but obviously there's no way we could see each other all day every day. I mean, well, of course not at first anyway. Maybe later. I mean, hopefully later. I mean . . .” He looked at me with those dreamy eyes, begging me to rescue him from his nervous banter.

“I'd like that, Jason. To see you. I mean, of course, like you said, not every day. I mean, at first not every day like you said, but after a while, maybe then every day. I mean . . . you know what I mean . . .” I bit my lip to make myself stop.

I knew me and Jason were giving God and Jesus a fit. I could see them shaking their heads and rolling their eyes. Either that, or they were rolling around on the throne room floor, laughing at how ridiculous our conversation was. I felt the wind blow across my face and knew they had sent the Holy Spirit down to help us out of the mess we were creating. I felt His peace.

Jason must have felt it too. He took a deep breath and reached out for my hand. “I . . . really enjoy spending time with you, Michelle. We have so much in common, it's crazy. And you're exactly the kind of woman I would have picked if I was saved and knew who I was the first time I got married.”

He gestured toward the house. “So you've seen the whole me. My crazy, cluttered house. My girls and my life as a single dad.” He fidgeted with my fingers and then strengthened his grip on my hand. “At this stage in my life, I'm looking for a special person—someone I can share the rest of my life with. Someone who loves God with all their heart and puts Him first. Somebody whose destiny matches mine, so we can build the Kingdom of God together. Most importantly, I want someone who would understand that, above all, I'm committed to my daughters.” He looked down at the ground. “And is willing to share that commitment.”

He looked back up at me and captivated me with those dreamy eyes. For all the wonderful words I should have and could have said at that moment, I couldn't seem to get my mouth to speak. Jason's eyes went from dreamy to that vulnerable look a guy can get that will melt a girl more than anything. And, still, I couldn't come up with one thing to say.

So I slipped my arms around his neck, pulled myself close to him, and let my lips do the talking—without words.

And
dreamy
couldn't adequately express how his lips felt on mine.
Druggy
was more like it. It seemed like his lips were infused with crack and I had just reached a new high.

I made myself pull away. When I looked up at him, his eyes were dreamier than ever, and he gave me that dimply grin.

I had to leave while I could still drive. I floated down the steps to my car, feeling his eyes on me the whole way. I was all butterfingers, and it took me a second to get my key in the ignition.

When I finally got my car started, I gave a quick wave and drove away.

On the way home I said to God, “Okay. I'm not going a step further without asking you this time. You know Jason and you know me. If he's your best for me, then let this thing bloom and grow into exactly what you've ordained it to be. If not, then bring it to a screeching halt.” As I said the words, I felt my heart ache. “God, please let Jason be your best for me. I don't think I can handle it if he's not. And give me some sort of sign. Soon, God. So I can relax and not feel all crazy about it.”

After I got home, I soaked in the bathtub for a while to relax. I put on some boxer shorts and a T-shirt and crawled into bed.

It took me forever to fall asleep. I tossed and turned, kicked off the covers and threw the pillows on the floor. I was sad about Jason leaving BTV, but happy at the same time.

I relived the kiss over and over. I kept thinking about him and the girls.

Then I got scared about dating him. What if it was like Isaiah? What if I fell hard, and just when I decided he was the one, God showed me he wasn't? I had to trust that God would show me. Soon, this time. Before I fell any further.
God, please send me a sign ...

When I finally drifted off to sleep, I had one of those larger-than-life dreams. The ones in Dolby sound and Technicolor where you could feel everything like it was really happening. The kind of dream you knew wasn't from what you ate the night before, but was God communicating directly.

In the dream, I was sleeping in my king-size bed, all alone. I woke up stretching my arms to heaven, thanking God for yet another birthday. The door burst open, and a plastic Ken doll with Jason's face on it came in, followed by two little girls who looked just like Candace and Cameron. They sang “Happy Birthday” and all jumped in the bed and hugged me. We all lay in the bed together for a while, smiling our plastic smiles.

Finally, Jason/Ken got up and said he was taking the girls to school and that he'd be back in a little while. He winked and grinned before leading the girls out the door. And I lay there in the bed waiting for him to come back.

I reached down to rub my hands across my swollen pregnant belly, and my heart filled with joy. And, I promise, I could hear ponies neighing in the stable.

Sherri is the
Essence
Bestselling author of
My Soul Cries Out
and
Dance into Destiny
. She attended Howard University as an undergraduate, then medical school at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.

By day, she “ministers” as the staff physician at a Georgia Department of Corrections' Women's prison. Sherri is co-founder of the Atlanta Black Christian Fiction Writers' Critique Group with
Essence
Bestselling author, Tia Mc-Collors. She is also a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and founding president of the organization's Southeast Atlanta Visions In Print chapter. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia.