The Lonely (27 page)

I'm
lost. Maybe it's some kind of special car.

Sebastian
opens the passenger door for me. The inside is leather and smells new. I frown,
"You decided against the hybrid for this?"

He
walks around and sits inside smirking as Vince leans forward, "This is the
2013 Porsche Cayenne. It's a hybrid. Dude, this is a sweet ride." It's
like listening to people speak another language.

Sebastian
shrugs, "It's awesome and badass, but it's good for the environment. It's
not a Caymann. But I figured with the way winter is here and back in Maine,
this was the better choice. Besides I can always buy a Caymann next year."
He sounds like he's gloating a bit. It's weird seeing him be that way. He's
always so humble and normal.

I
smile, "You got the hybrid?" I like that.

He
nods, "I wasn’t sure if you remembered that boring talk we had, but I did.
I went out after I left and bought it."

I
look ahead, "I remember. It's a nice car."

"Thanks."
He looks in the rearview at Shell and Vince, "Where are we going?"

"Where
do you want to go? You're twenty-one. We're not. We kind of wanted to go to
Liquor Store."

His
lip twitches, "Vince? You probably know better than I do. I don’t go out
much."

Vince
nods, "Yeah. Let's do Rain or Liquor Store."

Sebastian
puts the car in drive and nods, "Liquor Store it is." He handles the
snow and wind like a pro. The car is very nice. I can't help but get excited.
He's normal and squeaky and responsible. Shell would call him Vanilla. I like
Vanilla. You know what you're getting into with it. You can add anything to it.
It doesn’t spank you and make you like it.

My
phone vibrates and I fight the sick fact I like the control. I look back at
Sebastian and know it'll never be a power struggle with him. It'll be a
partnership.

When
we get to the bar I see it's exactly like Eli said it would be. It's not seedy
but it's also not classy. Sebastian looks around and drinks from his beer. I
nudge him, "So are you horribly rich?"

He
glances at me and takes another swig.

"I've
been meaning to talk to you about all of this."

I
feel my walls starting to build as my emotions lay the foundation bricks.

He
shakes his head, "I'm not a student at the university. I never was."

The
next layer of bricks is mortared and dry. My wall is going up fast. '

He
grabs my hand, "No…stop. Don’t look at me like that. You assumed I was in
school. I could tell you were…different, so I never corrected you. I didn’t
want to scare you off." He says it in an ever so slightly patronizing
tone.

I
don’t like that. I remind myself it might be that I'm pissed and being jaded,
like I do with Shell. I swallow the anger and let him finish.

"My
company is doing work for the school. We are helping them design a new
intranet. I own a company. My family lives in Maine. I'm a fisherman's son.
Regular guy."

I
scowl, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

I
nod and think. "Why were you using the gym like a student?"

He
blushes, "The dean told me I could use the facilities whenever I
wanted."

"Twenty-six."
I say slowly. My brain is trying to wrap around it all. My twentieth birthday
is in a week. He's six-years older than I am. Eli is five-years older. It's not
creepy older but I still feel off about the lying.

I
can't breathe very well processing it all. He takes another drink and instantly
I notice he's drinking too fast. "You're driving right?" I ask.

He
shakes his head, "No. I had someone come and get the car and put it in the
parking under my building. I have a ride coming to get us later.

I
don’t know how I feel. I don’t know where to put everything.

"Are
you pissed?" He watches my face.

"About
the car or the lies?"

He
laughs. He looks at me and shakes his head, "I never told you I went to
the school. I have never lied to you."

I
point at him but my words get stuck. I sigh, "You knew I thought you went
to school. I asked you how things were and you knew I meant classes. You
knew."

"I
did, but you seemed really comfortable with that idea and all I wanted was for
you to be comfortable."

"I
need to go to the bathroom." I walk away, before he grabs my arm and drags
me to a corner to explain.

I
glare at Shell. She runs off the dance floor, following me to the bathroom.

I
almost wish we'd brought the paper bags, just in case of a moment like this. I
feel like I don’t know him at all. I hate that.

"What?"

I
cross my arms and look at myself in the mirror. "I do look like
Tinkerbell."

She
laughs, "You did not interrupt my rubbing against Vincent's massive
erection for this conversation."

I
snort and fake sob. I give her my best pathetic orphan face, "Sebastian
doesn’t go to our school."

"I
don’t understand."

"He's
like twenty-six and owns a company and he's super successful."

"Are
you complaining?"

"He
lied Shell."

Her
jaw drops, "How in the fuck do you keep scoring the hotties with the
wallets. Damn. Girl, Vince doesn’t even have a car. Sebastian has a job
already. He owns his shit. Vince wants to be a gym teacher and Stuart is a
chauffeur. Your chauffeur."

My
face is red. I grimace. I have no defense. She doesn’t see how much all those
things are just things to me. They don’t belong in the world that I do, so I
don’t notice them the same way she does. I don’t place value on them.

"He
lied." I mutter again.

She
throws her hands in the air, "OH MY GOD! HE LIED! YES, LET'S STRING HIM UP
FOR TRYING TO CODDLE THE ORPHAN!" She turns to leave but looks back at me,
"This is crackers dick. You don’t want to date him. You want to date
Eli.
 
He doesn’t stand a chance.
You'll find something wrong with him no matter what. Like Pinterest says, 'Look
at that bitch, eating her crackers and shit.' This is crackers." She
storms out.

I
look at my reflection and force myself to think about it. I want to end it and
just walk away. It'll be his fault. I can make a clean break if he lied and
he's to blame. I'd be able to walk away from the commitment and intimacy and
still be free from the baggage I bring.

I
nod at myself, "She's right." I walk out of the bathroom and stalk
across the bar. It's one of those moments where you need a killer song and a
hot pair of boots, to stomp across the bar with, to make the scene complete.

Unfortunately,
the song is lame and I'm wearing ballet flats. I don’t let that take away from
the strength and fearlessness I am exuding. I see his eyes widen when he sees
me come across the bar at him. He sets down his drink, preparing.

But
I do the unexpected. I grab his face and pull it down on mine. I suck him in
with my kiss. His arms wrap around me, lifting me. My chest is crushed again
his. His hands cup my ass, squeezing harder than I would have imagined him
capable of. I moan into his mouth. His hands knead and massage.

He
lets me go and I slide down his torso. He licks his lips and looks past me,
"What the hell was in that bathroom?"

I
laugh, "Common sense. I was in short supply."

He
beams, "You okay?"

I
scowl, "I'm not breakable. Stop coddling me because I'm an orphan."

He
puts his hands in the air, "I swear, never again. In fact it's a bit of a
relief. I can finally start acting like a dick around you." I laugh. His
eyes sparkle like Santa and his manners are impeccable. He's perfect.

My
thoughts are broken by the sound of shouts and cheering.

"Oh
shit." He mutters. I spin and gasp. Michelle is on the bull in her bra and
jeans. My hands are hovering at my mouth, in horror. I still can't touch my
fingers to my lips in a public place, but that’s common flu season sense.

Michelle
is bucking and riding the bull. Her fuchsia bra is bouncing up and down.

"Oh
my god."

He's
laughing. I can feel the vibration, "Wow." She is getting sloppy and
laughing. Vince is cheering her on.

My
face is red. I rip my phone out and send a text.

'Maybe
you should get Stuart to come get Shell.'

'Call
her Michelle. No. Stuart's hurt. I'm not doing that to him. We need to talk.'

'No.
I'm hurt. I'm not doing that to me.'

I
pocket my phone, "We should take her home."

He
looks at my pocket, "Who was that?"

Pursing
my lips, I sigh. "That was my benefactor. I haven’t been honest either.
But we need to leave and take that with us." I point at her.

He
laughs, "She's having fun. Mellow out. The bull rides are free and you win
a prize if you take your shirt off."

His
arm is against the wall, trapping me in.

I
close my eyes and just get it out, "The guy who was there when I was
little. The one who saved me. He's my benefactor. He takes care of me." I
open one eye and watch his face. The loud music, and raucousness being caused
by Shell, is annoying. I wish we were alone for this moment.

He
looks like he's processing. He drinks a swig of beer, "Okay. I'm an adult
who owns a company and you're a benefactor-having-orphan. Do you moonlight as a
superhero?"

I
shake my head.

He
blinks a couple times and looks down on me, "Anything else?"

I
chew my lip, shaking my head. I'm not telling him the rest. We will cross the
dirty bitch bridge if he spanks me and gets a surprising reaction.

He
bends and brushes his face against mine, "Was it him you were texting on
all our dates and all the time?"

I
nod and wait.

"Is
it strictly financial? The two of you?"

I
shake my head, "No. We're…uh…close." I don’t know how to tell him
that we have PTSD sex and he spanks me, but that there is no relationship
beyond misplaced intimacy and a bizarre friendship.

He's
killing me with his processing and hot breath on my neck.

He
stands up straight again and drinks another big gulp before he talks.
"Okay. It's weird and I don’t know that I can ever understand. But I'm
going to just trust you and that you and I are together."

I
don’t have any response for him. I don’t know what we are.

Shell
gets off the bull and grabs Vince. She plants a huge kiss on his lips and the
bar erupts in a cheer. I smile. I don’t have a choice. Even if she's insane, I
love her so much. I love her freedom. Nothing weighs more than a feather would
in her mind.

She
pulls on her shirt and grins at me. She nods at the bull. Instantly my cheeks
are hot. I shake my head and pray she isn’t going to make a scene. She sees me
shut it down and laughs. People are dancing and forgetting about the gorgeous
topless girl who just rode the bull like a pro.

"Let
me know when you're ready to go."

I
force a smile across my face, I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. "Let's
dance."

He
looks at the dance floor and nods, "You sure?"

I
grab his beer and put it on the bar and drag him to the dance floor. I happen
to love the song playing. It's Don't Worry About the Child by Swedish House
Mafia, and it's amazing. We dance without touching but then the next song comes
on, Scream and Shout by Britney and Will.I.Am. My hips start to bounce on their
own.

I
understand the phrase booty pop. I'm popping mine. A trickle of sweat tickles
its way down my back. The crowd of people surrounds me. It makes me nervous but
we move together. We pause together. The music controls us all like
marionettes. Hands grip at my hips, pulling me into him.

I
glance back at Sebastian. His eyes are on fire. It makes me smile. My nerves
get worse, but it isn’t the crowd. It's the hands pulling me backwards, into his
groin. He grinds me against him to the beat. My arms are in the air. I wanna
scream and shout too. I want him to make me scream and shout.

The
slow part of the song hits. I reach back and grip my arms around his neck. His
hands wrap around me, sliding against my belly but still pulling me into him.
It's me moving my hips, grinding against him. The beat picks up again. I pull
away and dance. It's fun. The girl next to me bumps into me. I wince, but let
it go. My throat is thick with nerves, terror and the anticipation that is
coming from the look in his eyes. I can see that he wants me.

It's
the greatest panic attack I've ever had. He's not the most amazing dancer but
he's there. His hands are in the air, making him look seven feet tall. He looks
normal. Being at the bar with him is normal. It feels freeing until I catch
myself looking at his shoulders and thinking about holding them while he's
pinning me to a wall. He may be normal but I may never be.