The Loner (8 page)

Judy was curled up on the windowseat, looking dreamily out across the land. ‘Thanks, Mam, but I don’t really want any breakfast,’ she said.

‘Don’t want your breakfast!’ Beth was astonished. ‘But you’re
allus
ready for your breakfast. During the day you don’t eat as much as I would like you to, but you love your Sunday breakfast. I’ve cooked those new mushrooms your dad brought home. By! They smell right tasty. Come on now, Judy, get yourself downstairs, afore they spoil.’ ‘I’m not hungry this morning, Mam.’ Concerned, Beth came to sit beside her. ‘What is it, my love?’ She had an instinct that only a mother could feel. ‘What’s ailing you?’ ‘Nothing. I’m just not hungry, that’s all.’ Beth persisted. ‘Don’t give me that. I know you far too well, and I can see there’s more to it than that. Something’s worrying you. Whatever it is, you know you can always talk to me.’ Of course Judy would be worried about young Davie. But this was a deeper mood, and it wasn’t in the girl’s nature to be so sad.

There was a long pause, during which Judy wondered if her mammy could really understand the feelings that were burning inside her. ‘Mam?’

‘Yes?’

‘If I ask you something, you won’t laugh at me, will you?’

‘Now, why would I do that, eh?’

‘Well…’ Embarrassed, she fell momentarily silent.

‘Go on, lass.’

Another, longer pause, then, ‘Mam?’

‘Yes? I’m still here.’

‘Mam, what does it feel like…’ Judy took a deep breath ‘… when you love somebody?’

‘We ll, now…’ Beth knew she would have to answer carefully if she was to keep the girl’s confidence. ‘It all depends, I suppose.’

‘What do you mean?’

Beth took a moment to consolidate her thoughts, before saying, ‘What I mean is, there’s many kinds of love. There’s the love you feel for your family, and the love you have for a dear friend. And then there’s the other kind of love…’

‘What other kind?’

‘The kind that sweethearts feel for each other.’

‘And is that really so different?’

‘Oh, yes, lass. It’s a very different love altogether.’

Beth thought of her husband and the smile on her face said it all. She and Tom had met one market-day some twenty years ago. There was she, doing shopping for the doctor’s house, where she worked as a maid, and there was he, behind the egg stall. She’d only gone and caught the edge of the table where the eggs were laid out, with her old-fashioned wicker basket, which was almost as big as she was, and knocked a couple dozen duck eggs to the cobbles. Eeh! She flushed at the memory of her clumsiness. But he’d been so kind, and in the midst of her confusion, she’d noticed the sparkle in his eyes. And that had been the start of it. And look at them now – a right Darby and Joan.

‘You know straight off that he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with,’ she went on, and clutched her chest. ‘You feel it in here…a kind of longing that you can’t shift. You want to be with him every minute of the day and night, and when you’re together, you never want it to end. I know you’re only twelve now, but you’ll soon be grown, and love like that will come your way, God willing.’

Judy was beginning to follow her reasoning, but she had another question for her mother to answer. ‘And what happens if you love someone like a friend, and then it changes without you even noticing, and it’s…different, and it hurts. And you don’t know what to do about it?’

‘I see.’ But Beth wasn’t quite sure what it was that she could see. Still, her darling girl was hurting, and she sensed that it had something to do with Davie. And the more she thought about it, the more fearful she became.

Reaching out, she hooked her finger under Judy’s chin and made her look at her. ‘I’ve answered your question as well as I know how,’ she said, ‘and now I need you to answer mine. Will you do that for me?’

‘Yes, Mam.’

‘And will you answer truthfully?’

‘Yes, of course I will.’

With a slow intake of breath, Beth prepared to ask what was on her mind. ‘Just now, when I found you in the barn with Davie, how long had you been there?’

‘I don’t know…two hours, may be more.’

‘And were you just talking all that time?’

‘Not all the time.’

‘So, tell me how it was…right from the beginning.’

‘Well, like I say, I was about to go to bed when I thought I saw a movement by the barn. I assumed it was the cats or something else, and I went to bed. But I didn’t sleep very well. So I decided to go and see if it had been Davie, and it was.’

‘All right. Then what?’

‘We talked for a bit, and I went to get him some food and drink and I brought it back to him. He ate the food, and then I left and he promised not to go away without seeing me first.’

‘But if you’d already left, how come you were still there when I found you?’

‘I worried that if I slept too long, I’d miss him. So I went back.’ She grinned at the memory. ‘Davie was fast asleep and it was really chilly, so I got under the blanket with him. Pooh! It did pong, but at least it was warm.’

Beth’s heart skipped a beat, and she did not smile. ‘Judy, did anything happen when you were with Davie under the blanket?’

The girl gave her a puzzled look. She wasn’t altogether sure what her mother was saying, but nor was she so naïve that she didn’t suspect the reasoning behind it. Being brought up on a farm, she knew all about the birds and the bees – and the pigs, cows and sheep, come to that. ‘No!’ Bristling, she sat upright. ‘I know what you’re getting at, Mam, and you’re wrong!’

Springing to Davie’s defence she declared, ‘I know how Sheila Clarkson did wrong with that boy from the fairground and she had a baby, but Davie would never do a thing like that, and neither would I!’

Beth could see the truth in Judy’s eyes and she felt a great sense of relief. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘But I had to ask.’ Reaching out, she took Judy’s hands into her own. ‘I’m a mother,’ she murmured. ‘One day, God willing when you’re married and settled, with a good man and children of your own, you’ll know why I had to make sure. So…am I forgiven?’

Judy nodded. She could hear everything that was said, and yet she hardly heard a word, because it was still Davie who filled her mind and held her heart in a way as never before. And it was the strangest thing.

‘So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, will you tell me what happened…you said you got into the blanket to keep warm?’

More attentive now, Judy went on, ‘I fell asleep, and the next thing I knew, Davie was ready to leave. He wrote the letter and then he was gone.’

‘And was it then, that you realised your feelings towards him had changed?’

Embarrassed, Judy lowered her gaze. ‘I’ve always loved Davie, like a brother really. But now, I don’t know what’s happened, Mam. It’s all different, and I can’t stop thinking about him.’

Taking the girl into her arms, Beth told her how love between man and woman was a strong, unpredictable thing. ‘But I think the trouble with you now is that Davie has always been here and you never imagined he wouldn’t be. You’ve seen him most every day since the two of you went to infant school. You were both only children, and we were all so happy that you’d found each other – Rita most of all, poor lass. She was thrilled that her Davie had you for his best friend. Now, suddenly, his life has changed, and because of that, so has yours. Happen you’ll see him again, and happen you won’t. But either way, there is nothing you can do about that.’

At the thought of never seeing him again, the girl burst into tears.

‘I don’t like it, Mam.’ Her emotions were running wild. ‘When I think about Davie now, it really hurts.’

‘I know, lass, I know. But you must learn to live with the situation, because whether we like it or not, in the end everything changes. The years pass and nothing ever stays the same. You’re bound to miss him. And I daresay he’ll miss you the same.’

‘Do you really think he’ll miss me?’

‘Well, o’ course he will, lass.’ Her heart ached for Judy. ‘You’re older now, and so is he. In fact, he was due to leave school soon and start work as a man. Like I say, things change. One day you wake up and what happened yesterday is gone; it’s the past already. But the future is still in front of us. That’s the way of things, and we have to accept it. And remember, your dad and I love you, and we’ll help you get through this.’

For a time they sat cuddled up together, these two; one settled in her life and content with it; and the other still finding her way, unsure and afraid.

‘Will he ever come back, Mam?’ Judy was the first to speak.

‘Who knows?’ As ever, Beth was practical. ‘Davie has a lot to deal with. Happen it’ll be easier for him to do that from a distance. And then again, he may suddenly yearn for familiar things, and find his way home. All we can do is wait and see. Give him time, love, as much time as he needs.’

She gave her daughter a final hug. ‘You stay awhile and think about everything,’ she suggested kindly. ‘If you need me, you know where I’ll be.’ She chuckled. ‘I’ll be over by the chickens…making sure your father doesn’t run amok with that shotgun.’

‘No, Tom, she’s not ill – at least, not in the way you think.’

‘Oh, aye, an’ what’s that supposed to mean?’ he asked, going to sit by the fire for a read of the
News of the World.

Choosing her words carefully, Beth told him, ‘The thing is, our little girl is growing up fast. Right now, there are things going on inside her head that you can’t begin to understand.’

‘Oh, give over, woman!’ Tom didn’t take kindly to riddles. ‘Just tell me what’s going on, an’ I’d like it in plain language, if you don’t mind.’

‘Hmm!’ Beth smiled knowingly. ‘What ails our daughter can’t be told in plain language. She’s a girl becoming a woman, and as I say, there’s not a man on God’s earth who could fathom that out, even if he tried.’

Tom tutted impatiently, but he had a smile and a comment. ‘You’re not wrong there. I’ve been trying to fathom
you
out long enough, Elizabeth Makepeace, an’ I’m still no nearer than the day I put a ring on yer finger. Women!’ he muttered. ‘Damned if I can make head nor tail of ’em!’

‘Stop complaining and read your paper.’ Beth took out her sewing box and smoothed one of her husband’s socks over the wooden heel she kept for darning. And while she threaded the biggest needle with black wool, she thought of her young daughter upstairs, alone with her dreams.

It didn’t take much to see what was wrong with the lass, she thought, making a knot in the wool. All these years, Davie Adams and Judy had been friends through thick and thin. As small children during the latter part of the war, they had spent a lot of time over at Three Mills Farm, especially at weekends. Beth recalled her tiny daughter looking up at Davie with absolute love and hero-worship, following him around and ready to play any role he asked her to. She was cowboy to his Indian, batsman to his bowler, and they could spend hours in a corner of the farmyard, playing with their marbles and Dinky toys. With homemade nets, they’d fish for tiddlers and sticklebacks in the duckpond, and put them in jamjars, with string tied round, to make handles. And sometimes, Davie would push the battered old doll’s pram around the yard, full of teddies and hand knitted toys, while the hens squawked about them.

Beth sighed nostalgically. When Rita came to fetch him, the two women would enjoy a nice cup of tea and a bit o’ cake and a natter. She missed those days, despite the constant fear of bombing. As a farmer, thank God, her Tom was exempt from service, although he did his share of fire-watching and the like. Often, when Don was away, Rita would stay, and they’d all play cards, once the kids were in bed. Then Rita was a different woman from the one who went out with her mother, all dolled up with a load of powder and paint on her pretty face and the pair of ’em up to all sorts of tricks behind their husbands’ backs.

Those memories were best forgotten. Beth thought instead of the times she had helped the children with their homework when they’d gone off to the big school in Blackburn Town. She was canny at the arithmetic, was Beth – she’d needed to have a shrewd head on her shoulders, running the farm with her Tom, who was better at hosswork than headwork. Oh well. Davie had been due to leave soon, while her Judy had a couple of years or more yet. And now Rita was gone, and so was Don…and Davie had vanished into the wide blue yonder, just when Judy had begun to see her childhood friend in a different light.

It seemed that, with him leaving, their friendship, at least on Judy’s side, had deepened into a more mature emotion. The girl had said it herself. She loved Davie in a new way – and it was a painful thing. Turning to her darning, Beth consoled herself with the knowledge that Judy was still too young at twelve to experience the stirrings of real love- the kind that robs you of your sleep and makes the day seem never ending.

She thought of Davie, and her heart ached. Where was the lad? Why didn’t he come home, instead o’ wandering the streets like some poor vagabond! She tutted aloud.

‘What’s that?’ Tom peered over his newspaper. ‘What did y’say?’

‘I said, would you like another cup o’ tea?’ Beth asked, throwing off her anxious mood.

‘Aye, go on then…and don’t forget the sugar this time.’