The Long Dream (2 page)

I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and sat down at the table, trying to work out my situation. I was totally bewildered and just started sobbing quietly into my glass.
How could Paul just vanish into thin air and leave me no clue where to find him?
The whole thing was impossible. I started to think that there was only one course of action left to me. I had not seen or heard from Paul for over eighteen hours and so, there was nothing else for it. I would have to call the police.

I was so afraid and was already having second thoughts.
Was I making a terrible fuss about nothing?
After all, so far as I knew, nothing bad had happened to Paul, so
was it all just in my imagination?
I carried on mentally arguing with myself for what seemed like an age, but was in reality probably only a few minutes.

The sun was coming up, so it was obviously going to be another lovely day.
Should I sit tight for a few more hours?
But the boys would be getting up at about half six and usually the first thing they would do is rush into our bedroom to see us. They would obviously want to know straight away where their father was, so I had to think of something plausible to say. I couldn't face it alone, but
who was there to confide in?
I didn't want to upset our parents, and my only sister lived in Australia.

Then it dawned on me. There was only one possible person I could speak to confidentially, who I was sure would be able to help, and that was our local vicar who actually lived at the end of our road. Mr Mayfield was his name and we knew him quite well. The boys had been christened by him and had attended Sunday School when they were little.

"Hello," came a rather distant voice. It was Mrs Mayfield who answered sounding very sleepy, and then I realised it was not yet five o'clock in the morning.

"Hello. I'm so sorry to wake you, but I need to speak to Mr Mayfield urgently. It's Helen Myers here, and I'm in a bit of a state."

"Oh, Helen, what on earth is wrong?"

"I can't really explain, but I think something's happened to Paul. He went out yesterday morning and I've not heard a single word from him since. I found a note from him, but none of it makes sense."

"All right Helen, I'll go and wake John now and tell him. He'll be round as soon as possible and try not to worry too much. I'm sure there's a simple explanation."

As I sat and waited for John Mayfield to arrive, I felt guilty for alarming him and his wife, Ruth, at this unearthly hour of a Monday morning, but felt I had no choice. They were always helping people in the community and held many counselling sessions for all kinds of problems.

At last he arrived. As I opened the door and let him in, I fell on his shoulder sobbing and crying with relief.

"Oh my dear Helen, let's go and sit down so you can tell me what's happened."

I must have sounded almost hysterical, but after a few minutes, I managed to hand him the letter. I saw him frown with concern as he read it and his eyes were full of compassion as he looked up at me.

"When did you get this?" he asked.

I told him how I'd found it the night before under the mat and how I'd run around the village looking for Paul, then how I'd searched the whole house twice. It all came flooding out of me until I felt empty and I was so grateful to be able to share it all with him.

After listening intently to my story, Mr Mayfield asked if I had checked the garden. I said I hadn't, so he promptly got up and went out the back door. I watched him as he went around looking in every corner and even in the shed, but there was obviously no sign of Paul whatsoever.

He returned to the front room looking very worried and then quietly sat down. He read the letter again and calmly said, "I think we're going to have to call the police. This letter offers no explanation at all. I think it's best if we hand it over to them and see what they make of it. Do you agree?"

"Absolutely, I can't think of anything else we can do," I answered.

Mr Mayfield got up from his chair and went across to the hall to get the phone. I was dazed and numb and it was as if I was moving around on autopilot.

The boys got up and Mr Mayfield told them we had to look for dad as he hadn't come home the night before. They dressed themselves for school and were picked up by one of the other mothers. She looked after them and they enjoyed a normal week at school with all the activities they loved.

Mr Mayfield had contacted the school and arranged for help right after he'd called the police. I was bowled over by the fantastic amount of help and kindness I received over the next few weeks and the boys often stayed over with some of their friends. I was really not in a fit state to look after them properly and so it was best if they were away from home.

The police were also wonderful and were a great comfort to me. They needed some photos of Paul, which I managed to find, but then I made a significant discovery. He'd taken nothing with him and there was even the usual amount of cash in the bedside drawers. I looked everywhere many times, but I could not find Paul's passport. I knew he loved France, and could speak French quite well, so when I told the police this, they considered it a very significant clue. They checked the passenger lists at the airport and the ferry, but although no one had seen him or his car, they still thought it was likely he had travelled over.

***

A few days later there was a real breakthrough. They had found Paul's car. It was parked near the ferry port, so it seemed he really had gone to France, perhaps as a foot passenger, but none of the staff or customs recognised his photo from around the time he had left. It would make sense if he was abroad, as he'd made no attempt to contact me, his family, his office or anyone else that we knew of.

Paul's car was brought back home and when it appeared on the drive, my heart lurched. It was a beautiful Mercedes, but I felt sick at the thought of actually getting into it and sitting in the driver's seat where he'd sat so many times. I kept it for a while, undecided what to do with it, so I just let it sit there on the drive. It was a constant, painful reminder of Paul and I just couldn't bear it anymore, so I contacted the dealer and we came to an arrangement.

As it was nearly new, they agreed to take it back and I got a very decent price for it. This was a very welcome boost for my bank balance, but we were managing okay because the company that Paul worked for kindly agreed to pay me an allowance until the police discovered his whereabouts.

The boys were so versatile and were adapting to our new life on our own much better than I was. During the day, I could keep busy doing all the usual things like shopping and chores around the house, and I even got back into gardening. However, I was not eating much and had lost a lot of weight, so was not up to going back to the gym. My heartache got worse in the long evenings and lonely nights. My happy married life was gone, perhaps forever, and I realised just how very lucky I had been.

The police investigation stalled and no more clues turned up. Five months later, I resigned myself to moving house. I would have to try to build a new life and escape from all the memories in our family home. I focussed on clearing out the house, but it was tough getting rid of all Paul's clothes. There was no point taking them with me, so I gave them to a charity shop. It was good having something constructive to do, looking at different properties and choosing a new home for us. I sold the house very quickly and also got rid of the furniture, except for three single beds. I hadn't slept in our marital bed since Paul had disappeared, so that went as well.

We found a lovely house with a big garden much closer to the town where the boys went to school. Being in a new location certainly helped me a lot, and I really enjoyed shopping for new furniture. I bought myself a new double bed, ornaments, pictures and even crockery and kitchen utensils. This was truly a fresh start for all of us and I was determined to make a go of it.

Chapter Three

The next three years were peaceful and I came to terms with the idea that I was single again, although legally, I was still married to Paul. I'd gone back to the gym and was quite fit again and did get some attention from men, but so far, I was not interested in anyone. I'd got a part-time job in a solicitors' office as a secretary, which I enjoyed greatly, and the boys were going to senior school.

There was a good crowd of people at work and occasionally, we would all go out for a drink in the evening or go to lunch in a local bistro. It was all good fun and gradually, I felt the past receding further and further away, lifting my spirits.

It was on one of these outings that I first met Steve, a local estate agent. We had a lot of dealings with him at work through the conveyancing department. He was about five feet ten and had light brown wavy hair and blue eyes. I warmed to him immediately and eventually, he came and sat beside me for a chat.

"What can I get you to drink?"

"A white wine please," I said, happy to receive his attention so promptly.

"Why don't you all come and join us," he said as he turned to face me, "and Helen, I'd love you to sit next to me."

I was slightly hesitant as I hadn't actually talked to a man on a personal level since losing Paul. "Okay," I said as I moved to the other table.

Steve sat down and moved closer towards me. "So what do you like doing in your spare time?"

"Oh, I go to the gym twice a week as I like to keep fit."

A smile crossed his face. "Me too, I'm a member of a squash club and play a couple of times a week."

I paused and took a sip of my drink. "I really love horse riding, although I haven't got my own horse yet."

He looked at me intently. "That's amazing, I love it too. My parents have got a small farm and they keep two horses. I usually ride every weekend and any other chance I get."

"You're so lucky to have your own horses," I said with excitement.

I was extremely flattered by all this attention, especially from a younger, good-looking man, but at the same time, I felt rather shy and nervous. Just before we were due back at work, he floored me with his next question.

"Shall we exchange phone numbers?" he asked as he reached into his pocket and got out his mobile phone.

I paused as various thoughts shot through my mind.
Did I really want to do this? What would it lead to and could I handle it?
I had to give an answer as he watched me and waited.

"Is it okay if we do it next time, as I've really got to rush back to work," I said as I reached for my handbag.

"Sure," he said, looking slightly disappointed.

I got up quickly, shortly followed by all of my workmates. We said our goodbyes and headed for the door. Once outside, I felt relieved as we walked back to the office. I needed time to think.
Was I ready to get involved with another man, and did I really want to anyway?

I asked myself that question a thousand times over the next few days, contemplating what he'd said. It had been nearly seventeen years since I'd dated anyone, so I felt very nervous about it. Still, I had a few days to think about it over the weekend, which I did and in fact I could hardly think of anything else.

On Monday, I thought I would ask one of my colleagues, Tom, about Steve as he was also a member of the squash club. I knocked on his door and went into his office during a break.

"Tom, have you got a moment?"

"Sure," he said, looking slightly surprised.

I pulled over a chair and sat down opposite him. "I wondered if you could tell me a bit more about Steve as I know you play squash with him at the club."

"Yes," he nodded, "I do know him quite well. He's a great guy."

"Do you know if he's married or got any children?"

"No, he's never been married or had any children. He's had various girlfriends and lived with a woman for a couple of years and although it hadn't worked out, they'd stayed friends. I haven't heard a bad word about him and I've always found him great fun to be with and totally down to earth. Why do you ask?"

"Well I met him at the pub the other day and he asked for my number so I thought I would check him out before I went any further."

We talked for a few minutes more and then I returned to my desk feeling pleased. It seemed he really was a genuinely nice guy and my first impression about him had been right.

As it turned out, Sophie, our receptionist, was off sick with flu and Jeff, one of the legal clerks, had gone on holiday for a week to Spain, so it was suggested that we put off going to the pub until they got back. I didn't let on to anyone, but this was a huge help to me and I now had more breathing space to think about the situation with Steve.

Life went on as usual during that period and Ben had his friends round on his birthday for a sleepover and we had a big pizza delivery. They had a great time watching videos and playing with all their gadgets. When I asked the kids about possibly getting together with Steve I was surprised how laid back about it they were. I was so proud of them putting me first and thinking of my happiness.

The following day was parents' evening at the school. Jamie's best subject was French, and Ben's was art, but they were both sporty and loved football and swimming. I was very pleased with their progress, in spite of the absence of their father, and felt very proud of how well they were coping.

***

One week later, both Sophie and Jeff were back at work, and we were due to go for our regular drink that lunchtime. I was a bit apprehensive as we set off, but I thought I'd just go with the flow, and see what happened. There was always the possibility that Steve had changed his mind or just forgotten about it, so I thought what will be, will be.

I was quite excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and hoped no one noticed I had taken a little bit more care over my appearance that day. I had a new outfit on and shoes and had visited the hairdressers the previous day, so I felt quietly confident, but nervous, as we walked into the pub.

He was there, looking tanned and fit as he smiled and waved. He immediately got up and dashed over to us. We all got our drinks and went to sit down in the usual corner.