The Long Dream (4 page)

"Helen, I really wish you'd said something to me, I'm sure I wouldn't have been angry with you."

"But even if I had, could you do anything about it, could you stop yourself? I didn't want to risk it, so I gave up. I believe you should like someone for what they are, not what they might be if only they would change," I told him.

"I've thought a lot about it, and this could have caused problems in the past with my previous girlfriends, but it's ridiculous that none of them ever told me."

I leant back and crossed my arms. "Probably for the same reason I didn't want to. It's just too awkward, and if that's the way you are, perhaps you can't help it anyway."

"Look Helen, I'm really fond of you and I've missed you so much. Now I'm aware of my behaviour, I desperately want to change and put it right. Will you give me a chance to prove myself?"

I drank some more tea as I thought what to say next. "If you're flirting unconsciously, then how will you know you're doing it? You might not be aware of it until it's too late, or it could be a habit of a lifetime that you can't break?"

Steve looked rather crestfallen, and I wondered if I still liked him enough to bother.

"Yes, but I'm aware of it now, and you mean a lot to me. I really want to make the effort." He fell silent for a minute or two, contemplating what I had said to him.

The atmosphere felt a bit tense so he decided to change the subject. "By the way, what have you been up to? I hear you've been seen around town lately?"

"Nothing special. I've just been out with Jenny for a few drinks. It's just a bit of fun," I said playing it down.

"Yes, but I hear you've been in the nightclub, and it's slightly unsavoury in there. It hasn't got a very good reputation, you know."

I shrugged. "Well, I haven't been dancing for years, and it was great. It's certainly not done me any harm. Don't you think you're being a bit snobbish?"

"Maybe. I've actually been in there once myself, ages ago, and thought it was a bit crap, but I know women like dancing a lot more than men, so I suppose it's understandable, especially after a few drinks. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, but we do occasionally have dancing at the squash club, you know."

He paused and looked directly into my eyes. "But, what I really want to know is, will you go out with me again? Let's go out to dinner, and if it's still no good, you can tell me, and I'll just have to accept it. What do you say?"

I thought about it for a moment and then relaxed. "All right then. If you think it's worth another go, we'll try it."

So we made a date for Saturday night. I explained to Jenny about it and she said she could always invite a guy she met a few weeks ago round to her place, and that way, she wouldn't need a babysitter. I admired Steve for trying to face his demons and for being so honest with me. It couldn't have been easy and he must think a lot more of me than I realised, and he deserved another chance.

***

Saturday night arrived and he took me to the same Italian restaurant we went to on our first date, nearly a year ago. The food was wonderful again, and we were relaxed and happy together. There was a small bar at one end with a beautiful girl serving behind it, but I tried not watch, as he went over to order some drinks. I thought it was ridiculous having to watch him, as though he was a small child, ready to misbehave at any moment.
This just won't work.
So I decided to go with the flow, and chalk it up to experience.

As it happened, we had a lovely time and got on well together, just like before, but I had already decided not to invite him in when he dropped me off at home. That was a step too far. So we just kissed in the car and he held me tight for a few moments, but I broke away from his arms and got out of the car. He said he would call me later in the week and we said goodnight.

Jenny had also had a nice time with her date, but we both agreed, now we'd had our freedom and some really fun nights out, we didn't want to give it up, so there was no way I would get into a serious relationship with anyone, unless I was one hundred percent sure, and she felt the same. So, we carried on as normal, going shopping and visiting each other and we planned another night out the following weekend.

When Steve did call, I said I'd only see him now and then and that he would have to be patient with me, as I was just not ready for anything more. He was disappointed, but said it was better than not seeing me at all, and settled for that.

Chapter Four

I went on like this for a few more years and Jenny became a very close friend as we spent more time together. I realised that it had been over six years since I had seen Paul. It was surreal looking back at my married life, as if it all happened to someone else, but the best thing to come out of it were my boys, who were growing up fast and doing better than I could have hoped, and they both looked so much like their father. It made me realise that we hadn't done too badly on our own. Both the boys had learned to ski and had been on a trip with the school, and they were often asked by friends to go on summer holidays with their families. I myself wasn't too keen on flying, so was content to stay at home in my garden, which I still loved.

Steve was still around, and I did go dancing with him at the squash club, and most of the time, we did enjoy ourselves, but there was the occasional lapse, especially after drinking, and so I could never completely trust him. I tried to keep him at arms' length, but he said he loved me and didn't want any other girl, and so I suppose I was flattered and went along with it.

He was generous and kind, and often bought me presents, but I still had my nights out with Jenny. I had extended my working hours, and had a bit more cash to go out with, and my wardrobe was bulging at the seams, especially with shoes, which I really adored buying. I didn't dare count just how many pairs I had!

I was reminded by someone at work that Paul could be legally declared dead when he had been missing for seven years. I just didn't know what to do about it, maybe there was a part of me deep inside that still hoped he would turn up again, but
how likely was that?
So, ‘if in doubt, do nowt' as they say, and I decided to leave things as they were, especially if it was going to upset the boys. Jamie was doing his A-Levels, and Ben his GCSEs, so it was a bit tense at home, as they had to spend hours revising.

Steve took me to the squash club one evening for a birthday party. We were dancing away and having a good time. There was a buffet and the champagne was flowing so we were both a bit tipsy to say the least. I had no warning of what was to happen next.

Steve suddenly pulled me onto the dance floor and I thought we were going to have a slow dance to one of our favourite songs. A small crowd had gathered around us and I realised that they were all watching us intently and not dancing at all. Then it dawned on me as he got down on one knee.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

I couldn't believe he was actually doing this. He was holding out a beautiful engagement ring in its' open box. I had always loved diamonds, and this was a big one! He'd caught me completely off guard and I froze on the spot. I'd never dreamt anything like this could happen as we'd never even talked about marriage. I had to think fast, so I turned and ran out, straight into the ladies where I locked the door and started crying.

How dare he do this to me, especially as he knew I was still not committed to the relationship.
Could he be that stupid?
There was no way I could say yes to a man I wasn't sure of.

Steve started banging on the door, asking if I was okay, and I shouted "NO" and to get me a cab, I was going home alone.

Five minutes later, the cab arrived and I ran out of the club, determined never to set foot in it ever again. I was furious and embarrassed at the same time, and I knew I had to finish with Steve for good. I couldn't bear that he'd done that in front of all our friends. How could I face them again, and the gossip would be rife as soon as it got out there.

I paid the cab driver and ran indoors, still sobbing, straight up to my bedroom and shut the door. I'd turned off my mobile phone but could hear the landline ringing downstairs. It was bound to be Steve, and I never wanted to speak to him again.
What a disastrous night!
My eyes were stinging, so I took off my make-up and went to bed, and hoped I would be able to actually get some sleep.

***

The next day, I was wrung out. Steve had left ten messages on the answer phone, so I resorted to unplugging the landline. The boys were suspicious when they saw my red eyes, but I just made out that I'd got an eyelash stuck in my eye, and they seemed to accept it.

Later on, I decided to call Jenny. When I told her everything, she thought Steve was ridiculous, but that he might have thought I would succumb to him in front of everyone and let him put the ring on my finger. That made complete sense to me, and I was sure she was right. To my relief, she said she would come over that afternoon with the girls.

By the end of the day, my sanity was restored and I realised what a true friend Jenny was. I could laugh about it with her and realised I'd had a very narrow escape. Jenny told me I was stronger than I thought and was very brave to have run out like that, and I had definitely done the right thing.

We lived in a small town, so it was no surprise that I bumped into Steve again in the pub, but I glared at him and he knew to keep away. Whenever I ran into anyone from the squash club, they were surprisingly nice about it and didn't blame me at all if I wasn't sure about Steve. They knew what he was like and that he had that old problem with women, and they were the ones who had tried to tell him about it. Anyway, I was free of worry again and felt much better.

Chapter Five

I knew something was up, the moment Ben got through the front door.

"Mum, mum, guess what's happened. Where are you?" he cried loudly, and sounded extremely agitated.

"I'm in the kitchen, come in here. What's up?"

"You'll never guess, but I'm sure I saw dad today," he added as he chucked his school bags on the floor.

"When? Where? You can't have. That's impossible," I shouted back. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"I saw him, I know I saw him, right outside the school gates as I was coming out. He was just standing there, looking right at me. I know it was him, unless he's got a double," he said, calmer now.

Ben had only been ten years old when his father had disappeared, and I wondered if his memory was playing tricks on him.
Could he really remember exactly what Paul looked like?
I grabbed a photo of him from one of the kitchen cupboards and showed it to Ben.

"Now think hard, and take a good look. Was this the man you saw?" I asked, thinking it was so long since any of us had looked at photos of Paul, he must be mistaken. After all, a lot of men had Paul's colouring, but
did this man have Paul's height?

"He had exactly the same face, mum, and he smiled at me, and he was really tall. The only thing different was that he looked fatter than I remember, and he had a terrific tan. He looked really well. Oh, mum, it was him, it must be him. It couldn't be anyone else," Ben said, as he stared at the photo I'd given to him.

All the possibilities started racing through my mind, and it brought back my very first theory, that Paul had taken his passport and gone to France. He could have settled there, or some other European country, but I knew that he was good at speaking French. I'm sure he could have got a job over there, and survived quite well these past eight years.

Jamie was away at University, so it was up to us to try and sort this out.

"Did you try to go up to him?" I asked.

"No I couldn't. By the time I got through the gates, there were crowds of us leaving, and I couldn't find the man anywhere. There were just too many people around, so I started walking to the bus stop, as usual." Poor Ben was obviously shaken up quite badly, so I put my arms around him.

"Don't worry, darling. Let me make you something to eat, you'll feel much better after that," I told him, and that's what we did.

I was trying hard to assimilate this news as we sat down together and ate our dinner. I really didn't know what to make of it, but I had to keep an open mind and, at the same time, not get my hopes up too much. We both needed to stay calm, and I was starting to formulate a plan of action in my mind.

First of all, I had to try and find this man myself, and, as he obviously wanted to see Ben, the most logical thing to do was for me to be at the school gates as well. I was sure there was every chance the man would appear again, and I wanted to be there to see him for myself. If I couldn't get to him first, he might come over and speak to me. Anything could happen, but I had to be there, and I was there, every day for the next two weeks, but had absolutely no luck at all. Neither Ben, nor I, saw any signs of the man again.

The disappointment was severe. I held onto even the remotest chance that Paul was somewhere in the vicinity, and I was almost convinced that Ben was right. The thought of finding Paul again was on my mind day and night, in fact, I was becoming obsessed with the idea.

Ben was okay, but still quietly hoping he would see him again, but I had given up going to the school, as I couldn't bear the emptiness I felt when nothing happened. Whenever I went out to work, shopping or even to the gym, I found myself looking all around, willing him to appear magically in front of me. I tried to hide my anxiety, but people started to notice a change in me.

I was much quieter and preoccupied, and Jenny especially noticed that there was something very wrong, so I confided in her. We talked about going to the police, but
what could they do on such flimsy evidence?
All I could do was wait and hope that something, anything, would happen.

***

The weeks passed by and I became obsessed with finding the man as I needed to know for sure if it really was Paul. I took many days off work and walked around the town looking for any sign of him.
What would happen if we never saw him again? Could I just forget about this situation and get back to my normal life?
I couldn't see how at this stage. It would be heartbreaking if we lost him again and I was back to square one.