The Lost Art of Listening (24 page)

he or she is trying to express. People need to talk—and be heard—to feel

understood by and connected to you.

Paying Attention

You take the first step to better listening by making a conscientious effort

to set aside whatever is on your mind long enough to concentrate on hear-

ing what the other person has to say.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

Listening to each other never seemed to be much of a problem for

Tony and Joan before the baby was born. They had lots to talk about and,

maybe more important, plenty of time for it. Then the baby came, and the

pressures of parenthood squeezed the intimacy out of their relationship.

They got out of the habit of going out together, and neither of them had

much energy for conversation in their brief and hectic evenings at home.

Tony made an effort to ask Joan about her day, but when she responded

only perfunctorily, he didn’t pursue it. Anyway, he was so tired when he

came home that he didn’t really mind getting off by himself with the news-

paper. They weren’t angry or upset with each other, but they were drifting

apart.

When Tony sought my advice about the lack of intimacy in the mar-

riage, he described his failed attempts to talk to Joan at the end of the

day. I could see two mistakes he was making. The first was timing. Trying

to have a serious conversation when he first came in the door, while Joan

was cooking supper and the baby was winding down like a little clock,

just didn’t work. The second thing was that Joan didn’t respond well to

global questions like “How was your day?” Such questions may work when

someone is relaxed and ready to talk, but they aren’t effective when some-

one is worn out or distracted. Joan needed him to ask more specific ques-

tions, like “How did it go at the pediatrician’s?” or “What did the baby do

today?”—questions specific enough to show that he was aware of what was

going on in her life.

I did not, however, say any of this to Tony. Instead I turned to Joan

and asked if she felt lonely. She said yes. Then I asked if she thought Tony

was really interested in hearing what was going on with her. “Maybe . . . ,”

she said softly, “but I don’t feel it.”

All I said to Tony was “I guess you better try harder.”

Better listening doesn’t start with a set of techniques.

It starts with making a sincere effort to pay attention

to what’s going on in the other person’s private world

of experience.

My challenge to Tony—“I guess you better try harder”—turned out to

be a one- session cure. He did try harder. It didn’t occur to him to ask more

How to Let Go of Your Own Needs and Listen
141

specific questions; he just didn’t give up so easily. Instead of offering Joan

a brief moment’s attention, he started showing real interest in her feelings

and concern for her well-being. In response, she began to feel once again

loved and cared for—and much more like being intimate with Tony in

return.

When you’re trying to have a conversation with someone who isn’t

revealing much of their thoughts and feelings, it may help to make empathic

guesses about what’s going on inside them. Comments like “Tough day?”

or “Are you worried about something?” or “Is something bothering you?”

may show enough awareness to make the other person feel that you’re

really interested. But it isn’t any particular comment or technique that gets

people to open up. It’s taking a sincere interest in what they have to say.

Listeners who pretend interest don’t fool you for long—even though they

sometimes fool themselves. The automatic smile, the hit-and-run ques-

tion, the restless look in their eyes when you start to talk—all these are

giveaways to the fact that they’re more interested in being taken for good

listeners than in really hearing what you have to say. Real listening means

setting all that aside. Good listeners don’t act needy. They don’t charm,

flatter, provoke, or interrupt. None of that
look at me, listen to me, admire

me, appreciate me
. None of that. They suspend the self and listen.

Appreciating the Other Person’s Point of View

Understanding one another is a give-and-take process. The best way to get

the listening you need is to make the other person feel listened to first.

Most people aren’t really interested in your point

of view until they become convinced that you’ve heard

and appreciated theirs.

Even when you’re the one initiating a discussion, the best way to

ensure that you’ll be heard is to invite the other person to explain his

viewpoint before you present yours. Suspending your agenda so as to hear

the other person out enables you to understand what he thinks, helps

make him feel understood, and clears the way for him to be more willing

to listen to you.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

Let the other person know you’re interested in what he has to say

by inviting him to say what’s on his mind, what his opinion is, or how he

feels about the issue under consideration—and then giving him your full

attention.

“Can we talk about . . . ? What do you think we should do?”

“I’m not sure I really understand how you feel about . . . What is your

point of view?”

“I’m sorry we had this misunderstanding. I’d really like to hear what

happened as far as you’re concerned.”

“You seem upset with me. Am I right about that?”

Elicit the other person’s thoughts and feelings about the subject at

hand by asking specific questions that show your grasp of what she’s said

and encouraging her to elaborate.

“So what you’re saying is . . . Is that right?”

“I think I understand, but I want to make sure. You think we

should . . . ?”

“I’m not sure I know exactly what you mean. You said . . . but I wish

you’d say a little more about it so I’m sure I get it straight.”

“I think I understand where we disagree, but I’m not sure. Did you

mean that . . . ?”

If you feel yourself getting impatient or defensive while the other per-

son is talking, it’s important to restrain your urge to respond until you’ve

heard her out. Just keeping your mouth shut and pretending to listen may

be better than interrupting, but it isn’t the same as really listening. To

really listen, try hard to appreciate what the other person is feeling. Imag-

ine how you would feel if you were in her shoes.

When you’re listening to someone but thinking about

your own reactions, you’re really talking to yourself,

not listening.

How to Let Go of Your Own Needs and Listen
143

Suspending your needs long enough to hear the other person out is

part of being a good listener. But suspending your needs isn’t the same

thing as becoming a nonself.

Sometimes you need to recognize that you can’t suspend your needs

effectively unless you also find a way to fulfill them. So while it might

seem selfish, telling your partner that you want to hear about his day but

you have to get your own problem off your chest first may not be. By the

same token, there are times when the most considerate and honest thing

you can say to someone who wants to talk when you aren’t up to listening

is “I can’t concentrate on what you’re saying right now. Can we talk after

supper?” Trying to listen when you’re not up to it dries up your capacity to

empathize.

Some listeners are so fearful of exerting their own individuality that

they become nonselves, tucked into others, embedded in a framework of

obligations and duties. These people find it easier to accommodate than

to deal with conflict, threats of rejection, arguments, or signs of distress

in others. Their anxious, demanding partners are frequently unaware of

how much their mates accommodate to preserve harmony. They take it

for granted and want more. Such compliant people may seem like good lis-

teners, but you aren’t really listening if you’re nothing but a passive recep-

tacle, a reluctant sponge.

Listening well is often silent but never passive.

Instead of listening passively, and maybe feeling a little trapped, get

involved by asking questions that help the other person express his feel-

ings or elaborate on what he’s thinking.

“What does he do that bothers you the most?”

“What do you think she should do?”

“That sounds great! What was the best part?”

“What did you feel like saying to her?”

“What would you
have liked
to hear him say?”

Real listening means imagining yourself into the other’s experience:

concentrating, asking questions. Understanding is furthered not by know-

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

ing (“I understand”) but by investigating—asking for elaboration, inquir-

ing into the concrete particularity of the speaker’s experience. The good

listener isn’t a passive receptor but an active, open one, attuned and

inquiring.

When you ask the same old questions time after time—“What’s new?”

“How are you?”—you’ll get the same old perfunctory answers. Here are

some questions that suggest you’re really interested in what’s going on with

someone.

“What’s going on at work? At school? What are you working on?”

“What are you looking forward to this week? This month?”

“What are you worried about?”

“Tell me about your family.”

“What’s the thing that you’re most enthusiastic about these days?”

“What do you love to do, and what are you good at doing?”

“What are you facing at home and at work?”

“What’s been the highlight of your week so far?”

“What is it that you want to contribute? What is your value added?

What do you bring to this situation?”

“Who are the people who influenced you most and how?”

“What dreams and ideas do you have? Are there any you’ve given up

on?”

“What do you remember?”

“Tell me about some project that you’re concerned about.”

Affirming Your Understanding

Sometimes we pretend we’re listening when we’re not. In spite of this,

we’re taken aback when someone accuses us of not listening. One reason

people wonder if we’re listening is that we fail to let them know we heard

them. Silence is ambiguous.

Without some sign of understanding, the speaker begins to wonder

if what she’s saying makes sense, if it’s worth talking about. Doubts sur-

How to Let Go of Your Own Needs and Listen
145

face.
Maybe I’m boring him. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining like this.
With-

out some evidence of empathy, people don’t trust us enough to tell us the

simple truth about their feelings, much less reveal potentially dangerous

truths. Everyone is vulnerable in this sense, and everyone holds back in

some ways.

Ordinarily we take turns talking. The roles of speaker and listener

alternate so naturally that it may seem artificial to call what one person

says “the listener’s response.” Responding turns listeners into speakers. But

listening well is a two-step process: First we take in what the speaker says,

then we let him or her know it. Failure to respond is like an unanswered

letter; you never know if you got through.

Repeating the other person’s position in your own words is the best

way to show that you understand. But effective listening is achieved not

by summing up what the other person said as though that should be the

end of it but as a means of inviting him to elaborate so that you can
really

understand.

Effective communication isn’t achieved just

by taking turns talking; it requires a concerted effort

at mutual understanding.

The best way to promote understanding is to restate the other person’s

position in your own words, then ask her to correct or affirm your under-

standing of her thoughts and feelings. Remember: it isn’t your paraphrase

that’s important; it’s inviting the other person to expand on what he or she

is saying. If you work on this process of feedback and confirmation until

the other person has no doubt that you grasp her position, she will feel

understood—and will then be more open to hearing from you.

“So you’re saying you don’t think Kevin should join Little League

because it will put extra pressure on him and because you’ll be the

one who gets stuck driving him to all the games?”

“Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying. You feel like you’re

always the one who calls to get together, and that makes you wonder

if I really want to spend time with you. Is that right?”

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

“Okay, I want to make sure I understand. You’re saying we should hire

Gloria, but we should make it clear what we expect, and we should be

serious about the probationary period, and if she doesn’t do the job we

should let her go at the end of six months. Have I got that right?”