The Lost Art of Listening (27 page)

ined and close us to other points of view. Expectations promote commu-

nication when they take the form of sensitivity to other people’s styles of

communicating. Such sensitivities make us aware, thoughtful, and recep-

tive, not biased.

Creating a Climate of Understanding

One of the most common expectations we bring to conversational encoun-

ters, especially at home, is that we will be able to communicate by doing

what comes naturally. Unfortunately, the listening we do on automatic

pilot is often perfunctory, precisely the kind of halfhearted listening that

makes our relationships less fulfilling than they could be. If you want to

make any relationship more rewarding, practice
responsive listening.

Responsive listening means hearing the other person out, then let-

ting him know what you understand him to be saying. If you’re right, the

Empathy Begins with Openness
159

speaker will feel a grateful sense of being understood. If you didn’t quite

get what he intended to say, your feedback allows him another chance to

explain.

Responsive listening can be practiced like any other skill if you’re

willing to put in the effort. If.

Listening Takes Practice

Why is it that we can admit we don’t dance well or can’t draw, but we

won’t admit (even to ourselves) that we aren’t good at listening? Because

being a good listener doesn’t seem like a skill; it seems like a character

trait, related to being a nice person, someone interested in others. If you’re

not a good tennis player, it’s because you haven’t practiced. If you’re not

a good listener, you’re a bad person.

Think of how many situations where familiarity, tension, or distrac-

tion has made you fail to be attentive, considerate— concerned. The next

time your partner comes home at the end of the day, or your child runs to

tell you something, or someone at work wants to talk, try making an extra

effort to be attentive. Paying attention goes a long way. Your effort to lis-

ten a little longer and more carefully to others will initiate a positive spiral

in all of your relationships.

“I Know What You’re Going to Say”

“Like hell, you do!” Have you ever felt like saying that when someone

finishes your sentence?

The person who starts a sentence

should be the one to finish it.

Unfortunately, jumping to conclusions is something we all do at

times. You may not actually make the remark I’ve used as a head for this

section, but one of the bad listening habits we all need to break is making

assumptions about what people are going to say.

160
GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

Rachel got home at six- thirty instead of six as she’d promised and

said, “I’m sorry I was late, I—”

“That’s okay,” Patrick broke in to say, “the kids and I made spaghetti.

It’s all ready.”

Rachel was grateful not to have to cook supper but still felt cut off.

She was about to say that she was late because her boss dumped a last-

minute assignment on her, but Patrick’s assumption that she was about to

apologize for inconveniencing him made her feel that he didn’t care. All

he was interested in, it seemed to her, was his supper.

She could have told him anyway, right? Maybe. But if he’s in the

habit of cutting her off, she may get tired of trying to force him to listen

to her.

Cutting someone off to take over conversational control can certainly

be annoying, but so can jumping in before a speaker is finished with words

of encouragement or agreement or to tell a similar story.

At first Hank appreciated Sharon’s habit of interjecting little expres-

sions of support when he talked to her. Her
wows, gees
, and
what a shames

made him think she was tuned in to his feelings. But after a while these

expressions seemed trite and predictable. They began to make him feel

that she was more interested in coming across as supportive than in really

listening to him.

Being supportive means neither anticipating nor exceeding a speak-

er’s own expression of feeling. I knew a woman who was so supportive that

waves of compassion radiated from her like hot air from an oven. She may

have been trying to be sensitive, but after a while I was reminded of the Al

Franken refrain: “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone

it, people like you!”

“Oh, I know what you mean!” Celia said. “My principal treats me the

same way.” Though she intended to establish empathy, Todd was annoyed.

He doubted that her principal really gave her as many last- minute assign-

ments as his boss gave him. Besides, that wasn’t his point. He never got to

make his point because Celia cut him off to demonstrate that she under-

stood.

Empathy Begins with Openness
161

The best way to avoid cutting people off is to concentrate on what

they’re trying to say. Give them a chance to make their point, acknowl-

edge it, and
then
say your piece. Don’t pounce at the first pause. Curb the

impulse to switch the focus to you and what’s on your mind. Don’t tell

every story that crops into your head. (I wince as I write this.) Stop and

consider whether your comment would encourage the speaker to say more

or take over the conversation.

“When Is It My Turn?”

Sometimes we don’t listen because we’ve developed habits that interfere

with openness. We make assumptions, we react emotionally, and we focus

on what we have to say. We seem to be listening, but we can’t resist giving

our feelings, our experience, our advice, our opinion.

How do you overcome focusing on what you have to say? Make

an effort. Often what you have to say is fine, but it skips hearing and

acknowledging what the other person was saying.

Not: “I hate my job.”

“Yeah, me too.”

But: “I hate my job.”

“Gee, that’s too bad. What’s going on?”

Always listen first. Then acknowledge what the other person said. Whether

and when you take a turn depends on whether the relationship is one of

equals. If your child complains, usually just listen. If it’s a friend, listen

first, then tell your story. But “equals” aren’t equal when one person is

upset. That person gets preference. It’s like when someone you live with

gets sick. He or she needs the attention. Put your needs on hold.

Not: “I felt all alone when you left me at your office party for a half

hour to talk to your boss.”

“What could I do? He pays my salary. He wanted to talk. I had

no choice.”

But: “I felt all alone when you left me at your office party for a half

hour to talk to your boss.”

“I’m sorry.”

162
GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

If you make a habit of talking out of turn, people will consider you

intrusive. If you get excited and jump in before the other person has fin-

ished, try to catch yourself and back off politely. Say “Go ahead” or “I’m

sorry, I didn’t let you finish.”

Even if you
do
know what somebody is going to say, he or she still

needs to say it—and have you acknowledge it—before feeling understood.

If conversation were an aerial dogfight, it would be wise to anticipate the

other person’s moves so you could shoot them down as fast as possible. But

conversation shouldn’t be like that. The person who has something to say

wants to express both an idea and a feeling. Listening with an open mind

gives you a chance to discover what’s on her mind and gives her a chance

to clarify her own thinking and feeling. The gift of your attention allows

you to understand—and the other person to
feel
understood.

How to Move Beyond Assumptions to Openness

and Empathy

The psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion said that to listen well you must “set aside

memory, desire, and judgment.”1 This is a formula for openness, calling as

it does for listeners to suspend preconceptions, assumptions, and their own

needs. Real listening is an act of self- transcendence.

However much the people in our lives care about us, they’re still largely

preoccupied with their own agendas: worries, problems, projects, grudges,

hopes, dreams. Even (or especially) if unspoken, such personal agendas are

compelling and absorbing. As long as they remain private, these preoccu-

pations have a tendency to separate us from each other. Shared thoughts

and feelings are a step toward each other. Empathy is the bridge.

An empathic listener inquires and acknowledges what we’re thinking

and feeling and thus confirms our experience. In this way the receptive lis-

tener vitalizes us by emotional participation and reflection— feeding back

to us what we sometimes experience as inchoate.

People live in their own personal and subjective worlds. To meet,

truly meet, means that they must open up parts of themselves and share

them. And they must be received. Much of the time we hide away our real

feelings, sometimes even from ourselves. As a result, our conversational

1Wilfred Bion,
Transformations
(New York: Jason Aronson, 1983).

Empathy Begins with Openness
163

encounters, like our relationships themselves, often consist of shadows

dancing with each other.

Empathy bridges the gap between us, but it requires an effort at open-

ness. Too many assumptions are inimical to understanding. You can hardly

take in anything like the full richness of someone else’s experience if you’re

just waiting for your turn. Empathy takes restraint; it takes work.

The empathic listener offers a bond of understanding in a deep sense.

It’s more than the dutiful sympathy you might get from your hairdresser.

It’s a deeper resonance of understanding. Perhaps you remember a time

when you were hurt or scared and a friend put a hand on your shoulder.

Empathy is like that.

Empathic listening means working a little harder at understanding

the other person before asking him to do the same for you. It means dem-

onstrating your understanding with comments that draw out the other

person’s thoughts and feelings: “Uh-huh,” “I see,” “Yes.” Simple empathic

comments express understanding and help bring out something unex-

pressed in the other person’s experience. This helps break down the with-

holding of feeling that keeps us apart. Withholding is unnecessary with

someone who cares and understands.

The empathic listener celebrates the naturalness of what is

felt—“No wonder you were mad!”—and helps to overcome

the other person’s tendency to hold back.

Empathy is achieved by suspending your assumptions and placing

yourself attentively at the service of the other person, being alert to what

he or she is saying and to the emotional subtext. It means listening with-

out being in a hurry to take over.

Empathy requires two kinds of activity. The first is receptive openness,

like a moviegoer who allows himself to be absorbed in a film and moved

by the actors. The second is a balance between thinking and feeling. This

requires a deliberate shift from feeling
with
a speaker to thinking
about
her.

What is she saying? Meaning? Feeling?

Suppose your mate comes home and says he’s had a bad day. You know

what that feels like. You’re sympathetic. So you ask what happened. He

says he has to go out of town next week. His boss wants him to represent

the agency at a meeting in Buffalo, and he’s not looking forward to it.

164
GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

You know how he feels. All that travel. And Buffalo of all dreary

places!

Maybe that’s how
you’d
feel. You don’t look forward to business trips

because you don’t like to be away from home.

Our own feelings make us sympathetic. But empathy, real empathy,

requires a second step: thinking
about
the other person. How does his “not

looking forward” feel?

Maybe he’s excited about being chosen to speak for the agency. It’s

a chance to show the boss he can handle more responsibility. But maybe

that makes him nervous. Speaking in public is a lot harder when your

agenda is trying to prove yourself.

Whether or not your partner gets to talk about these issues, to clarify

and share his feelings, depends on how empathically you listen. If you

want to know how someone feels, ask, and then listen.

Do you rely on sympathy and presume you understand,

or do you use empathy and work at it?

Remaining open to what other people have to say is easier in the

absence of conflict. Being at odds with someone means that you have

your own agenda, and the conflict makes you anxious to press your point

of view. But since two force fields can’t occupy the same space at the

same time, even if your only objective is to get your ideas across, the

most effective way to do so is to hear the other person out first—make