The Lost Blogs (16 page)

Authors: Paul Davidson

BOOK: The Lost Blogs

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But what makes the McBlog different from all other blogs? In a word…
usability
. Sick and tired of visiting a blog and not getting the same quality each and every time? Tired of showing up and not getting
what you want? Fatigued by having to search long and hard for something to satisfy your inner self? Well, no longer.

As of the posting of this column, the McBlog is fully operational and available for your requests. We have some special deals
coinciding with the launch today of the McBlog which we call our “Extra Value Posts”—just ask for the number that coincides
with them and you’ll be reading before you can say “
Can I please have a blog post about dogs and how they look like their owners!
” Here’s this week’s extra value posts:

Extra Value Post #1:
Two blog posts about any subject, an e-mail response from the author, and a small anecdote you can tell your friends over
and over again at parties and social engagements. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get a medium anecdote and a special
edition haiku!)

Extra Value Post #2:
One big post about politics or entertainment, a link to pictures that you can download for your desktop, and a link to an
exclusive video file! (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get a post about the politics of entertainment.)

Extra Value Post #3:
A post about fish. We don’t expect this one to be as popular as all the rest, but we do believe that there’s a market for
blog posts about fish and so we’re just gonna keep this one up here in case, you know, someone wants to read a post about
fish. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get, well, more stories about fish.)

Extra Value Kid’s Post #4:
A collection of posts without any indecent subject matter or bad language—this extra value kid’s post also comes with a Flash-based
game starring none other than the new McBlog mascot, the McBloggler. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get an exclusive
coupon for a Big Mac at one of our actual McDonald’s restaurants!)

We hope this very special opening of the McBlog brings you and your family as much happiness as it’s bringing the Kroc family.
We think it’s time that America doesn’t have to search out the kind of blog they want—they should know exactly where it is.
And where it is… is right here at the McBlog!

Thank you for visiting and your continuing patronage!

Ray Kroc

Hundreds and Hundreds of Entries Read

From:
http://www.drseuss.com/~blog/

Subject:
The Things I Blog

I blog at morning,

Midday and noon,

I blog with words,

I blog with tune.

I blog with humor,

I blog to please,

I’ve never blogged,

For a ton of cheese.

Gouda, cheddar, maybe Swiss,

I’d write and write, so I’d not miss,

A ton of cheese there on my plate,

I’d eat and eat, and then, I’d ate.

The things I blog are not for you,

And not for her, and not for Sue,

And not for James and not for Jen,

And definitely not for Sam the Hen.

The things I blog are every day,

Through February, March, April and May,

The things I blog come quick and fast,

Just so this place, it sure does last.

The things I blog are fun, it’s true!

The things I blog are new, for you!

The things I blog are not for grumps,

Or icks or blechs or old tree stumps.

—Dr. Seuss

I hope you liked today’s great rhyming post, I think out of the week I love it the most. Did I mention that next week I’m
flying to the coast? Meeting up with friends for a huge big roast.

That doesn’t mean the site will be dead. In fact, I hope to still post from my bed. Even if after the roast I feel like lead
from all the drinks that went to my head! If so, though, I’ll get a med. As always, your
comments
will be read, even from our favorite e-mailer whose name is Fred, who says he lives in a big ol’ shed right near the river
where he was bred.

More to come! We’ll have more fun! I’m not totally done!

From:
http://www.henryVIII.com/blog/

Subject:
No Luck with the Ladies

Luck in love hath never been on the side of King Henry VIII. Even a mere mortal, one without sight into things unseen, is
in full knowledge of these things. Alas, those who recall the King’s Great Matter and the dissolution of my union with Queen
Catherine know quite well that in love, my luck is half that of one who lives with the worst bad luck imaginable.

It has happened again, as I’m sure the loyal readers of your King’s script well know by now—but this time ’twas not the fault
of yours truly. It seems as though Queen Anne, she who hath no successful pregnancies, has turned out to be a witch, hiding
in the shadows. Her powers, it seems, were even too much for a powerful man such as myself, as this normal almost unattractive
spellcaster pulled me into her web of deceit, which resulted in a dishonest union between the two of us. You’ve also heard,
I am quite sure, of her adulterous affairs with more than five other individuals and of her desire to injure me when my head
was turned. Like I have written prior—once again it seems that the beloved Henry VIII has chosen unwisely.

What are my faults? What is it that drives women away from the space I share with them? What actions do I enact that are so
horrible?

I believe I mentioned that I ordered the witch Queen Anne to lose her head in the days to come. No tears will fall from mine
eyes, that I can confirm. Of course, ’tis true that her death was commanded by yours truly—and it shall be carried out. It
is the least that a monster like Anne deserves!

As for me—I find myself hopeful for another union with a sweet and honourable woman. One who is not afraid to take a chance!
I find that my heart is open for yet another!

Did I mention I am an avid dice player? A musician at heart? One who enjoys the art of writing and the crafting of songs that
warm the insides of cold, angry men? I am, it seems, looking for another wife to fill the shoes of the two previously whose
lives met
with dark times… yes… Indeed. But I would fault thee for letting moments that have once happened affect moments that have
yet to occur. A positive future awaits with Henry VIII!

And if such a woman can deliver a newborn son into my life, that would be the most extraordinary result! If she says she can
do such things and cannot… well, I cannot confirm the outcome of such a situation, but I would attempt to be understanding
to the best of my ability.

Women! I await your
correspondences
!

From:
http://www.wilt_chamberlain.com/counting-up-blog/

Subject:
14,372, 373, 374, 375, 376, 377, 378 (and maybe 379)

What up, people!?

Let me just say right now that this week’s been crazy busy for me! No! Not the b-ball, but the ladies! Man, how those ladies
love the Wilt. This week, I met #14,372 after a b-ball scrimmage, met #14,373 in line for a hot dog, met #14,374 while picking
up a dime off the sidewalk, met #14,375 while wiping my windshield clean at the gas station near my pad, met #14,376 while
shopping for dental floss at the market, met #14,377 through a mutual friend at a dinner party, and met #14,378 and her sister
(which technically should count for 378 AND 379) while callin’ a cab.

Maybe you could be #14,380 if you’re lucky and get in contact with
me
by sending a glossy picture that is at least 8 × 10, color, with a list of your hobbies and the kind of music you like to
groove to. Married ladies—you’re shit outta luck. Like I told ya before, I don’t mess with the married ladies. S’like messing
with your mother—she’s got an old man who’ll kick your ass.

I must tell ya, this counting up stuff is gettin’ to be a little bit like basketball. You know, you’re out there on the court,
racking up the points, a free throw here and there. You’re watchin’ the board and those numbers are goin’ up and up and the
crowd’s goin’ crazy over you… The higher you go, the more you wanna one-up yourself.

In preparation of continuing the documentation of counting up from 14,379—I have made the
Ladies of Wilt Picture Gallery
for you to look at. Head on inside and take a look at ladies 1 (aah, the memories) all the way to 14,379! It’s like watching
history unfold right before your eyes through my eyes!!

In an attempt to continue counting up, I plan on visiting the following locations this week:

The Free Clinic