The Lost Girl (35 page)

He raised both hands in an appeasing gesture. “I’m sorry, I’ll try to be nice, Snappy. It’s really painful to me, but I’ll try.” He really knew how to be annoying, the rascal. “But seriously, how are you?” he insisted.

I sighed again. So much for trying to divert attention from talking about what had happened. “I don’t know, it’s … complicated,” I muttered.

Caleb gave me a weird look, turned to face the wall and suddenly slumped back, lying on the bed and tapping the mattress by his side, indicating that I should lie next to him. I scooted closer and slumped by his side.

“What is the one thing you want to do right now? Don’t think, don’t over-analyze it, just answer me, honestly. What do you wish you were doing right this second?” he asked, the question totally out of left field.

“Ah … Uh, I …”

“Just say it, what do you want?” he pressed.

“I-I don’t know. That’s part of the problem, I think. I don’t know what to do …”

“Sure you do. I’m asking what you want to do, not what you think you should do, what people expect you to do. Don’t think of anyone else; forget about your boyfriend, your friends, just think about you. Tell me, what do
you
want?”

I stopped to think, biting my lip.

“Joey, don’t over-think it!”

“Okay, okay, geesh! I don’t know, I suppose the one thing I really want is … to go away. Escape from everything, from everybody, you know. I just want to be left alone, I guess.”

He turned his face to me and smiled. “There you go. Was that so hard?” He poked me, teasingly. “So, that’s it. That’s what you gotta do. Just pack up and leave, Gray. Get some time for yourself, get your thoughts back together. Go be alone. Find your way. Soul-searching; it does you good from time to time,” he said.

“You … you really think I should do this?” I asked, hesitantly.

He shrugged lightly. “If that’s what you really want, why not? You need to stop worrying about everybody else all the time. Be a little selfish. It’s allowed, you know.”

“Right,” I said, and we stared up at the ceiling some more in silence.

I know I shouldn’t have considered it seriously, but there was something in Caleb’s words that rang true. And even though I’d only met him a few times, I had this feeling that I’d known him my whole life, and that I could trust him. I’d never considered talking about these kinds of private, serious things with anyone other than Tristan or the boys, and here I was, spilling my guts to this famous rock star I barely knew. But he had been there for me that night at the park, and he had always treated me right … Well, he sometimes acted like a douche, but he meant well …

“You know, this is really weird, because we kinda just met and all, but I feel like I’ve known you for, like … for ever.”

“Get the fuck outta here! I was just thinking that,” he exclaimed, excitedly.

I let out my first genuine laugh-out-loud laugh in a long time then. Not forced, not fake. Just honest, truthful laughter.

There was something liberating about Caleb cursing so freely like that. It made me feel like I was able to let all my demons out, instead of locking them inside. “Thanks, Caleb. That was some good advice you just gave me,” I said gratefully.

“You think I’m just this incredible sexy, gorgeous guy, but I happen to have a good brain inside this pretty blond head, you know.” He sniffed indignantly, still loving the exaggerated theatrics.

“I’m really sorry for thinking you were
just
incredibly sexy and gorgeous,” I joked.

He turned to me and grinned. “That’s all right. I guess you can be a little skeptical about it. I mean, what are the odds of one guy alone having these looks, brains, amazing talent
and
the genius all at once.”

“You forget the unbelievable humility as well,” I remarked.

“Yes, that as well. I know it’s hard to believe, but hey, here I am!”

“God’s gift to humanity.”

“Exactly.”

“You do realize I’m making fun of you now?”

“No, you were just stating the obvious,” he said with a smirk. “And since you are so keen on taking advice from me today, may I suggest some that involves you getting single and agreeing to go out with me now?” he asked, raising one mischievous eyebrow at me.

I grabbed a pillow and whacked his face with it.

“Is that a no, then?” he asked, his laughter muffled beneath the pillow.

After Caleb left, I stayed in my room, mulling over his advice while pretending to read a book. Tristan came in, leaning on the doorframe and watching me in silence. I glanced over the top of my book to look at him. “Is everything all right?”

He gave me a weak smile, just like the ones I’d been mastering over the past few days. “No, I was just going to ask you the same thing,” he said.

“I’m okay, Tris,” I said, closing the book and marking the page with my finger. “You’re not mad because Caleb came to see me, are you?” I asked, seeing the weary resignation on his face.

I really didn’t want to fight with him because of jealousy again. I didn’t want him to be mad at me. And I still hadn’t told him about kissing Harry or Vigil. I didn’t have the guts to tell him. I was too afraid, too scared. It was like I’d been living on fear and guilt alone, and his anger scared me the most.

He shook his head. “No, I’m not mad. I’m glad he got you to laugh again, even …” He trailed off, looking sadly out of the window.

Even though I couldn’t.
That was the rest of his sentence.
I’m glad he got you to laugh again, even though I couldn’t.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad,” he finished, turning to look back at me.

“Tris …” My voice faltered.

“No, it’s all right, Joe. I mean it,” he cut in. “I’m happy to hear your laughter again. I don’t care about the reason, or
who it is making you laugh. I’m only glad to hear it. It has been a long time,” he said, smiling softly at me. “I’m going to go out, get us some food, okay? I’ll be right back.” He left the room before I could say anything.

I watched the empty doorway for a long time, guilt corroding my insides. What was I doing to that boy? I kept crushing his feelings over and over again. I couldn’t continue doing this to him.

It was in that moment that I decided to take Caleb’s advice. I needed to leave, to stop hurting him like this, stop hurting him every time he asked me if I was okay and I lied to his face. Every time I forced a smile, he saw right through it; every time he tried to help, I pushed him away.

I needed to be alone right now, so I could stop trying to hide the pain, all the time, wishing I was all right instead of actually doing something about it. I needed to act. I needed to figure out what was wrong with me, to fix what was broken.

I needed to get away to start healing. And I needed to do it now.

I gave Tiffany a quick phone call to see if she had a place where I could stay for a while, and asked for her word that she couldn’t tell anyone, not even Seth. Then I threw a few clothes in a bag and wrote Tristan a letter. I left the note on my bed, knowing that it would be the first place he would look in the morning.

That night, after we had finished our supper and he had retreated to his room to sleep, I read the letter one more time then grabbed my bags and silently left the house.

My dearest Tristan
,

I’m writing you because I know that if I was standing right in front of you and had to say this
looking into your eyes, I would never be able to do it. I would give up at the first sign of pain I see in you … So I decided to tell you in a letter instead.

I hope you can forgive me for being this cowardly. Sometimes I think I can only feel tired, and guilty and afraid, these days. That is all that I am, all that is left of me. A weak, scared, broken person. I hate myself for being all those things, and I hate that you have to see me like that, too.

You have asked me plenty of times, in the hope that I would give you an honest answer, and all those times I haven’t been truthful when I answered you. I keep lying to you, to everybody, even to myself, every single time.

And the truth is that I am not all right. Sometimes I fear I’ll never feel all right again. I think I will, I hope I will, but I don’t know for sure. I can’t tell the future. I wish I could say I am strong and will prevail, but I can’t see myself being strong right now.

And that is why I need to leave. I need some time for myself, some time to heal on my own, and I know that I need to walk this path alone. No one can help me find my strength again. This is something I need to do by myself.

I hope you can understand. I know you worry and that you love me. I worry about you too, and I don’t want to keep hurting you all the time like I’ve been doing. I’m sorry about all the pain I’ve caused you. Please know that I love you more than anything in the world. Thank you for never giving up on me, and for being there for me, always.

I’ll understand if you get mad at me for what I’m
doing right now. You have every right to. I know I have put you through so much pain already, and here I am, doing it again.

I promise you if I need help, you’ll be the first person I will turn to. If something happens, you’ll be the first to know. And when I’m back on my feet, and truly okay, you’ll be the first I’ll call.

There is so much I need to tell you, so many things I want to talk about and share with you … and I will tell you everything, I promise. But first I need to find myself again.

Please, please, don’t be mad. Please, try to understand.

I’ve never stopped loving you since the first day we met, and I’ll never stop loving even after the day I die. That has been the only certainty in my life and that will never, ever change.

I will love you always, no matter what.

Until the end and from the start.

Yours
,

Joey.

I was on a ferry that was taking me to a small island a few miles into the Mediterranean Sea.

Tiffany had told me her family’s villa was at my disposal for as long as I needed it. It was on a small, remote island with only a few local Italian villagers – a very secluded and private place. That was all I wanted: privacy and solitude.

I grabbed my bags and was preparing to climb off the ferry, my black hoodie hiding my face and earbuds in my ears, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I took it out to check. It was a text message from Tristan.

I understand.

Be well. Be safe.

I’m here if you need me.

Love you.

T.

I smiled softly at the message, feeling as if a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders.

Obviously, the Worthingtons’ place was the biggest
house on the highest part of the island. I didn’t stop to sightsee or even to acknowledge anyone on the way up there. I just wanted to get to the house and lock myself in my room.

When I got there I didn’t even pause to appreciate the vastness of the house, or admire the huge swimming pool outside, or even the sea view from the balcony. I just wanted to be alone.

I closed the doors, shut the curtains and slumped down on my bed. And that was where I stayed for the next few days. I turned my phone off, intending to keep it that way, disconnected from the world.

I mostly slept. My body was accumulating some much needed rest to compensate for all the battles it had been put through.

I could feel the heavy flow of depression settling in. I cried a lot. I had been holding in these tears for so long, and only now was I able to let them all out. I cried without worrying if anyone could hear me; I cried without feeling guilty that someone might get sad for seeing me sad. I let the tears flow freely. As weird as it might sound, it felt good just to be able to feel sad and nothing more.

It was like my body needed to get into this state first, before it could get out of it. I cried until there were no more tears left to shed. And when I was done, all that was left was relief.

One night, I had the strangest dream. I found myself in a field with mist sweeping lazily around me.

This wasn’t Sky’s home or her desert workplace. There was no scorching sun, moonless night, or silvery sand, only a grassy field with white, wild country flowers blooming everywhere. The silence was eerie, but not threateningly so. And Vigil was standing a few feet away from me.

“Am I dreaming?” I said, turning to look at him. “This feels like a dream.”

“Yes, I am in your dream. But I am also very far away. I thought I might try to reach you in here. It is a faster and easier way to connect with you. I have done this many times before – in the first year we met, remember?” he said, walking closer.

“Oh, yeah. I remember.” I reminisced, chuckling a little. “This is so weird; it feels so real.”

He frowned, just like Sky used to do whenever I said something she didn’t understand. “This is very real. Just because it is a dream does not make it less real,” he stated. “Are you all right? I can feel the sadness through our bond; your distress has been very intense lately.”

“W-what do you mean?” I asked, and realization dawned on me when I looked at my wrist and watched the black lines of my tattoo closely, the magical mark that bonded me to Vigil.

He took my hand lightly, stroking his thumb softly over my tattoo. His touch tingled a little. “I know when you are hurting. This mark binds us. I can sense it, when the feeling is too strong, like it has been for the past few days,” he explained.

“Oh. Sorry,” I apologized, embarrassed at disturbing him with all my sadness, even if I’d done it unintentionally.

“The power switch we performed leaves a scar of sorts. Healing the soul is the hardest part. But you are almost there, Joey. I did not doubt for a second that you would get out of this stronger than you ever were before.” A sort of melancholy flickered briefly inside his deep black eyes.