The Lost Years (29 page)

The three women left St Thomas’s Hospital that evening feeling very depressed, but Annie’s state of mind was not due entirely to the tragic condition of Jimmy Rowe.

Chapter 44

The telephone call to Heligan asking that Walter and Harriet Bray be informed of what Annie was doing and why, was taken by Polly. She decided she would speak to the housekeeper and ask her for time off to go to the farm.

Her visits to Tregassick had been less frequent since Martin had joined the Royal Flying Corps. It was no one’s fault. She was kept busy at Heligan House. Squire Tremayne intended turning the house over to the army as a convalescent home for wounded officers as soon as it could be made ready. The servants would be kept on, but they could expect to be far busier than in pre-war days. They were currently rearranging the rooms and packing and storing many of the valuables.

The news of Jimmy’s wounds caused consternation at the Bray farmhouse.

‘Perhaps they’ll send him to Heligan,’ suggested Walter.

‘I doubt that very much,’ Polly replied. ‘Heligan is to be a convalescent home for officers - and that excludes poor Jimmy. But, much as I would like to stay talking to you and exchange news of Martin, I was told to hurry straight back. The inventory of what will remain has to be completed tonight and I still have a couple of rooms to work on. Tell Annie to let me know when she gets back. I’ll make certain I find time then to come and speak with you all.’

News of Annie’s return reached Polly via one of the elderly estate workers a few days later. He had been asked by Walter Bray to tell her.

She made her way to the farm later that same evening. She had some news of her own to pass on to the family. A letter had arrived from Martin that morning, telling her he had been promoted to the rank of acting sergeant and was now flying as an observer with Perys Tremayne.

Her pride for his achievement was tempered by fear of the increased danger he would be facing in his new role. However, Martin’s pay was now more than double the amount he had been earning when he was employed at Heligan. It was more than enough to support a wife and a family.

Martin hinted that it might be possible for him to make an occasional flight to England. Should such an opportunity arise, he would send a telegram asking her to obtain a special licence in order that they might be married right away.

It was an exciting prospect and one to share with Martin’s family.

The fact that Jimmy had been wounded was likely to detract from what she had to tell them, but Polly hoped his wounds might not be too serious. Besides, if Annie had already told her parents - and Jimmy’s - that she was not going to marry him, her own news might come as a welcome relief to everyone.

It was a wet evening and the walk through the woods to the farm was muddy, but Polly had left Heligan House prepared for the weather. Her raincoat and hat were soaked and her Wellington boots filthy, but the rain had done nothing to dampen her spirits.

However, her hopes of being able to tell of Martin’s letter were dashed immediately she entered the farmhouse.

Opening the door to the kitchen she was surprised that no lamp had been lit to dispel the evening gloom. The family was gathered in the room and were grouped as though they had been talking together. Polly thought they had probably not yet got around to lighting the lamp.

She realised it was more than this when their greeting was totally lacking in enthusiasm.

Stepping out of her muddy boots, Polly paused in the process of unfastening her raincoat.

‘Is something wrong?’

‘It’s Jimmy,’ said Harriet, shaking her head in a pained expression.

‘He’s not . . .’ Polly hesitated before completing the question, ‘. . . he’s not dead?’

‘No, poor soul,’ Harriet replied, ‘but he’s suffered as no young man should. Not only was he gassed by the Germans, but then he was blown up by a shell that wounded him in half-a-dozen places and robbed him of his sight. He’s blinded.’

Polly was genuinely horrified. ‘That’s dreadful! What will happen to him now?’

She looked at Annie and, correctly interpreting the unasked question in her glance, Annie shook her head almost imperceptibly. Polly realised Annie had mentioned nothing to her family of her decision not to marry Jimmy, Polly’s heart went out to her.

But one thing was quite clear. This was not the moment to break her own news to the Bray family.

It was not until two days after the visit to Tregassick Farm that another opportunity arose, but on this occasion too, Polly was thwarted.

Unable to keep her own unhappy feelings bottled inside her for any longer, Annie had come to Heligan House in the evening to speak with her future sister-in-law. When she described how she felt when she was taken to see Jimmy, and his reaction to her presence, she broke down.

Polly was deeply sympathetic, but could think of absolutely nothing to say to console her.

’It’s a dreadful thing to happen to him, Annie, but what are you going to do now?’

‘What can I do?’ Annie asked, helplessly. ‘He’s suffered so much I feel guilty for even thinking I wouldn’t marry him.’

Polly looked at her, aghast. ‘It’s not just a question of hurting someone, Annie. You’re talking of marrying someone you don’t love! It would utterly destroy you - and trying to live a lie will destroy Jimmy too in the long run. You just can’t do it!’

‘I can’t not do it, Polly. Jimmy is such a mess that rejection by me could kill him. Besides Just for a moment she faltered. Then, gathering herself, she said, ‘Perys has found someone else. Someone of his own class.’

‘How can you possibly know that?’ Polly asked.

Annie said unhappily, ‘When we got to the hospital in London, Morwenna Tremayne was there. She’s a nursing sister. It was she who got us in to see Jimmy, even though visits from relatives and friends aren’t allowed. I saw she was wearing an engagement ring. I thought it might have been given to her by Perys, but she said the man she was going to marry was the pilot who flew the aeroplane to Heligan when Perys was here. Isn’t he another distant cousin?’

Polly frowned, not understanding, and Annie continued, ‘She also told me Perys is to get engaged to one of her friends, so you see, whatever I do will make no difference to Perys now. And it doesn’t really matter to anyone else what I do.’

Annie’s statement upset Polly. ‘Even if what you’ve said is true and I don’t really believe it because it’s not what Martin says in his letters, and he should know better than anyone because he’s flying with Perys now - it’s certainly not reason enough to marry a man you don’t love.’

‘I may not love him in the way you love Martin, Polly, or even the way I love Perys - and I do - but I’ve got to face reality. Apart from Perys, I am more fond of Jimmy than any other man I know, and he needs me. Really needs me. I can’t let him down. Not now.’

‘What about you, Annie? How will you be able to live with Jimmy, knowing it’s not him you love?’

‘I’ll learn to stop loving Perys, Polly. I have to anyway if he’s going to marry someone else. Besides, it was just a foolish dream to think there could be anything more than a brief friendship between us. Pa was right, Perys and I live in two different worlds. I’m sure people can fall out of love just as easily as they can fall in love. And Perys is not really one of the Tremaynes of Heligan - he once said so himself - so I doubt if we’ll ever see or hear anything of him again. I’ve just got to get on with my life.’

‘Do you really believe that marrying a man who is as ill as you say Jimmy is, is ‘getting on with your life’, Annie? It sounds more like opting out of it to me!’

In her heart, Annie knew Polly was right, but it was something to which she would never, ever admit.

‘It’s my decision and no one else’s, Polly. Jimmy desperately needs me and I won’t let him down. I’ll make him happy and by doing it I’ll find my own happiness too, you’ll see.’

Polly disagreed very strongly with Annie’s views, but she knew that further argument right now would be useless. She was also aware that what she had said about Martin flying with Perys had not registered with Annie, but this was not the right time to tell her of the happy plans she and Annie’s brother were making for their future together.

Yet again it would have to wait for another day.

Chapter 45

Jimmy spent more than three months in various hospitals before he was discharged from the army at the end of August 1915, and allowed to return to the family farm at Fowey.

He had finally accepted that he would never see again and would always suffer the effects of damaged lungs, but he had not yet succeeded in coming to terms with his disabilities.

Annie had gone with Winnie Rowe to fetch him from the military hospital at Aldershot, to which he had been moved, but after seeing him safely back at his home she returned immediately to Tregassick. Walter Bray was gathering in the harvest and needed all the help the family could give him. So many men had left to go to war he was unable to call on hired help. Even Polly put in whatever time was left at the end of her long day’s work at Heligan.

Harvesting was still in progress when Annie received a visit from Jimmy’s sister, Rose. As Annie had done on previous occasions, Rose had sailed to Mevagissey on a fishing boat from Fowey. Annie knew instinctively that her visit had to do with Jimmy and she feared the worst.

‘No, he’s all right,’ Rose reassured her. ‘Well . . . as right as anyone can be who’s suffered as he has. It’s not his wounds, Annie, it’s his state of mind we’re all concerned about. He’s saying that he’s got nothing to live for any more. He can’t see, so someone has to take him wherever he needs to go, but he doesn’t seem able to walk more than a dozen paces without gasping for breath. He’s giving up, Annie. He’s even started saying it’d be better for everyone if he’d been killed instead of wounded. Ma’s so worried about him she asked me to come and see if you’d get over to our place and speak to him as soon as you can.’

A call to go to Jimmy was something Annie had anticipated ever since she and Winnie had collected him from hospital. It had been apparent to her then that he was determined not to allow anything to rouse him from his misery. Although it left her feeling guilty, she had been relieved to leave him at his parents’ farm and return home to Tregassick.

However, she realised there would come a day when she would need to face up to a future with Jimmy. It now seemed that time had arrived - yet she made one final, albeit weak attempt to defer the moment.

‘I can’t go until we’ve finished harvesting. Pa has no one else he can call on except Ma and me.’

‘I’ll stay here and do your work, you know I can,’ Rose said immediately.

Annie looked at her mother who had been listening in silence to the conversation. She hoped she might raise an objection. She did not.

‘You must go to him, Annie. Jimmy was so proud to be going off to war. Who could have imagined he would end up like this?’

‘Who indeed?’ Annie said, bitterly. ‘All right, you stay here, Rose. I’ll go right away.’

* * *

If Jimmy was pleased to see her, it was not immediately apparent. He was seated alone in the farmhouse’s front room with the curtains drawn.

In answer to Annie’s question, Winnie Rowe explained, ‘I drew the curtains because the bright light might hurt his poor eyes.’

‘Why have him sit in here at all?’ Annie asked. ‘Why can’t he sit in the kitchen where people are coming and going for much of the time and where he can join in any conversation that’s going on? Wouldn’t you prefer that, Jimmy?’

‘Who wants to talk to a man who can’t see and who can hardly stand up from a chair without fighting for breath?’ Jimmy replied, in a tone of voice that indicated utter defeat.

‘Are you telling me you enjoy sitting in here on your own, not wanting to be a part of what’s going on around you? You’d prefer to spend the rest of your life wallowing in self-pity, is that it?’

‘Annie! How can you be so cruel as to talk like that to our poor Jimmy?’ Winnie was shocked.

‘It’s even more cruel to sit him down on his own in a darkened room with nothing but his thoughts for company,’ Annie retorted. ‘What he needs is understanding, not pity. Give him something to do - no, I don’t need reminding that he’s blind and not yet fit enough to do a full day’s work, but he can do some things. Find out what they are and help him get started.’

Bristling with indignation, Winnie said, ‘It’s all very well for you to talk, you don’t have to look after him . . .’

‘No, that’s right, and unless he gets a grip on himself I never will . . . But why are we talking as though he can’t hear us? Isn’t he at least capable of thinking for himself?’ Turning her back on the farmer’s wife, she spoke directly to the subject of their discussion. ‘You’ve heard what we’ve been saying about you, Jimmy. What do you think? Are you happy to sit here doing nothing day after day, or are you going to face up to the way things are and build a new life for yourself? I tell you one thing, I have no intention of marrying a man who has to be helped into church and who intends to go through life accepting everyone’s pity. If you want to marry me, Jimmy Rowe, you’ll need to stand beside me at the altar and walk back down the aisle with me on your arm. If you don’t, there’ll be no wedding.’

Appalled, Winnie said, ‘I’ve never heard anything so cruel! Why - ’

‘I’m not talking to you,’ Annie snapped, ‘I’m speaking to Jimmy, and he can answer for himself.’

‘You’ll still marry me, Annie?’ Jimmy turned sightless eyes towards her. ‘Even though I’m . . . the way I am?’

‘Only when you’re capable of walking down the aisle beside me.’

Rising from his chair and shaking off his mother’s arm when she went to help him, Jimmy stood uncertainly. ‘If you’ll still take me as your husband then I’ll do it, Annie. What’s more, show me what work I can do and I’ll do my best to support you.’

‘Then we can start planning a wedding. When it will be depends entirely upon you.’

With Jimmy ensconced in the kitchen, Annie made her way to Rose’s room, where she was to stay for the night. Winnie followed her upstairs.