The Magic Fart (22 page)

it.” “I’m no good at power pissing.” “I need you to give it to me.” “I don’t understand.” “Put your penis to my urethra and urinate with sufficient force to trans

fer it to my bladder.” He stared. “You can’t be serious!” “You do want clothing?” “Yes, but—” “We don’t have time to debate this.” She took his penis and lifted it as

she sat on the potty hole. “Do it.” “I don’t think it’s possible.” “I’m a doctor, remember? This would be much easier with a catheter, but we don’t have one, so will simply have to make do. Hold it tight to the mark and urinate, hard.” “I can’t. I’ve got a hard-on.” True; his penis had swelled with her manipulation, and that blocked off the avenue. He had recovered from the vampire depletion. “Very well, abate your lust,” she snapped, and directed his stiff member into her vagina. She clenched on it, then used her hand to draw his bottom forward so that he entered her without delay. In a moment he caught the fever and thrust on his own, and in another moment his orgasm sent his semen surging into her. Good; that was out of the way.

She drew out his softening penis and set it against her urethra, but the fit wasn’t tight. “Hold Chance,” she said.

He took the baby back and stood there, his diminishing penis at her cleft. She used both hands to hold it there, actually forcing the lubricated tip part way into her urethra. “Urinate. Now.” Still he hesitated, his reactions not cooperating. “Piss!” she snapped, slapping his bottom. That jolted him into action. The urine started. It squirted wastefully out around the edges. She mashed the rounded head against her vulva lips and pressed the tip farther in. It was a messy connection but the leakage stopped. She tried to relax her own channel, so as not to oppose the reverse flow. Still it balked, the pressure equalized. Then she got smart, and tried to urinate herself. That opened the channel with the pressure higher on his side. Gradually, the urine coursed down through his tube and up hers, and made its way to her bladder. She felt it slowly filling. The sensation was weird but not unpleasant. She was thankful that as a woman she had a short urethra, facilitating the transfer. “Good,” she said. “Keep the pressure on. Squeeze it all out, into me.” He did, and the flow strengthened, now that the channels had been opened. There was a lot of it, because he had not urinated recently. She felt her belly distending uncomfortably, but this was exactly what she wanted. “It’s like spurting,” he grunted. “Only with piss.” “You are sending your substance into me,” she agreed. “There’s a paral

lel. Keep it coming.” He bore down, forcing it out. “This is weird. I’d be coming now, if I

hadn’t just come.” “Lean down so I can kiss you.” He did, carefully so as not to press on the baby. She kissed him ardently, surprising herself. “I like it when you come through for me,” she told him. She felt his penis twitch in response; indeed he would have gotten an erection if she hadn’t just taken his edge off. This was a whole lot like sex. They would have to try it some time just for fun. Would it be possible to reverse it again, and have her urinate into him? Suppose they tried it when he had a full erection? This was an aspect of male sexuality she had never had occasion to explore. She was interested as a scientist, and perhaps as a woman too.

Finally he ran out; he could pump no more. She released his penis as she clenched her urethra closed. Urine spattered out and on them both. She cleaned them up, quickly. “Now we go out and conquer,” she said. “Keep Chance concealed.”

“Oh,” he said evidently bemused. “I never did that before, exactly.” He issued a small fart that rendered the baby invisible again. “Obviously.” She took his arm and urged him outside. “We consulted,” Prior said, gesturing at his limpening penis. The villag

ers nodded understandingly. “He recharged me,” Tantamount said. “Now I’m really ready to piss.” The daughter let fly a third time, having rationed herself to keep pres

sure up. Then Tantamount jetted, readily outdistancing her. The villagers applauded again. “He really did recharge you,” the man

said, handing over the pantaloons. “He’s more of a man than he looks,” she agreed. “Now we’d like some

food to travel on.” “We’ve got food,” the man said. “But my son’s fucked out. You really

took care of him. Will you take me on?” “Yes, if your wife agrees.” “I want to see her piss again,” the woman said. So it was agreed. The daughter pissed once more, making the same mark a fourth time. Then Tantamount did, matching her third mark. This time the applause was considerable; the villagers were impressed, because her volume was much greater than the daughter’s had been. Only the man looked disappointed; he had wanted that fuck.

“Come with me,” the wife said, leading Tantamount into her hut. She made an efficient bundle of assorted fruits and breads. “A good fuck can satisfy a man, but I never saw it help a woman to piss better. I’ll trade you for your secret.” “What do you offer?” “Information of likely interest to you.” “Give it.” “You are being watched, your actions recorded. My guess is you’re a

Tower Maiden.” “Damn!” Tantamount swore. “I thought we’d slipped that noose.” “There’s no escape, just new settings, as they wring the last bit of entertainment from you. Ordinary folk aren’t in on it, but I was a Tower Maiden in my youth, and I learned how it was. They let you think you’re free, and a selected paying clientele gets to watch. So they know what happened in the privy; I don’t.” “I took his urine,” Tantamount said, and explained the process. The woman whistled. “That’s a new one! I’ll tell my daughter, but I don’t

think she’ll go for it unless there’s a really big prize on the line.” “I thought our prize was anonymity,” Tantamount said. “I’d like to make another deal, to explain to the others what we talked about,” the woman said. “Not the pissing secret.” She lifted a small bottle of wine, as if pondering whether to add it to the bundle. “That fuck for your husband,” Tantamount said immediately. The women smiled. “That will do. You’re a lovely woman. He’s a good

man; he deserves an occasional nice piece.” “You’re a very understanding wife.” “The Tower experience broadens one’s perspective.” She put the wine

into the bundle. “It certainly does,” Tantamount agreed fervently. In this land, sex was an

open commodity. “I’ll make your man glad.” They returned to the public privy. “Honey,” Tantamount said to Prior. “I made another deal. For a bottle of wine.” She opened the bundle to show it.

“What deal?” Prior demanded, playing the part of the possessive part ner. “That fuck for her husband.” “The hell!” Prior exclaimed as the husband’s face lighted. “Taste the wine.” She opened the bottle and proffered it to him. “Agree,”

she murmured. He tasted the wine. “Damn, that’s good. Okay, but make it quick.” Tantamount took the husband into the privy. “How would you like me?” “How’d you do it with my son?” “I bent over,” she said, demonstrating. “So he could fondle my breasts at

the same time.” “I don’t want to step in his tracks. Give it to me front face.” “Hold me close,” she said, stepping into him as he doffed his pantaloons. She lifted one leg high so he could guide his penis in, then clung tightly, wrapping both legs around his body as he stood. He put his hands on her bottom, squeezing her buttocks as he held her up.

“Hoo!” he gasped, loving it. He thrust, lifting her body, then relaxed and thrust again. The play wasn’t great, because she was supported in large part by his pole within her, but it was enough. Soon he was pressuring out his fluid. “God’s fart!” he swore blissfully.

She knew he had had his best climax in years. She kissed him as he faded. “Your wife bought it. She said you deserve it.” “I’ll thank her every day!” She dropped her feet to the floor and disengaged. She cleaned up again,

but let him drip. “Go show your neighbors,” she said. They went out, and the man showed off his spent penis, advertising his enormous satisfaction, while Tantamount assumed an air of innocence. The villagers applauded again, understanding everything, and the men (plus a few women) looked appropriately jealous. They would remember this visit a long time.

Soon Prior, Tantamount, and Chance were on their way, walking the path that led to the next village. “Something I wondered about,” she said. “What made my hood fade out?” “It must have had a time limit.” “I don’t think so. It seems we’re still under observation.” “We’re what?” he asked, startled. “The wife was a Tower Maiden in her youth. A lot of the local women were, considering there’s a new one every week. She told me, and I believe her.” “So we’re still monkeys in a cage.” “We still are. We’ll have to keep performing, assuming they don’t know

we know.” He laughed ruefully. “After that sex vampire, I thought I wouldn’t want sex for weeks, but you got me hot in a minute. You know how to make me spout. If you want to.”

She avoided that. “So the reason for the hood fading out was to let us think we had escaped. Unless there was some other trigger.” “I’ve got it,” he said. “When I spoke your name.” “My name!” she agreed. “That would of course be it.” She paused, thinking it through. “But you didn’t actually know my identity in the cave.”

“The program’s not smart enough to know the difference. It figured I spoke your name because I knew you. That washed out the hood, because it was supposed to make no difference then.” “So it would seem.” “So we’re not out of it yet. Whatever happens, I have to say that you’re a great woman, and you proved it yet again in the village, doing what you had to to get us clothing and food. Whatever you need of me, you can have, even if it’s just urine.” She smiled without having to force it. “Thank you.” They moved on, eating the food, drinking the wine, nighting at villages. They might be under observation, but there was no interference. Would the Tower authorities allow them to walk right out of Fartingale?

In the evening, in a nice room in an inn she had won by expending more of Prior’s piss, her head tingling with a bit more wine than she should have taken, facing the prospect of a joint bed, she came to a conclusion. “I believe you will do.” “Do what?” he asked. “You’re a decent man, down deep. I can’t say I love you, yet, but I do like you. My hate for you was evidently a function of my feeling
for
you, because you had seemed to dismiss me with contempt. It seems best simply to recognize this and accept you. I could do worse.” “Accept me?” “When we return home, I will marry you.” He gazed at her. “Oh, Tantamount! You really are my ideal—” Then things changed.

Part 4: Fart Off

Chapter 19—Challenge

“—woman,” Prior concluded. But the woman and baby were gone. Then a picture appeared. It showed a horrendous demon with a nineinch penis as thick as a young tree trunk. “A salutation, shithead,” he said. “Do you recognize me?”

Bemused, Prior wasn’t sure. “One demon looks much like another, to me,” he said. “Where’s Tantamount?”

The demon fuzzed and shifted into the image of a limb from a tree, with a single bright cherry. “Now do you know me, turdass?” “The cherry tree!” Prior exclaimed. “The First Branch.” The demon reappeared. “You got it at last, pukemouth. I’m ba-a-ack.” “But I abolished you,” Prior protested. “I fucked you into oblivion.” “Get this straight, twat-head. You had the incredible luck to get your perverted little weenie into my ass and send me into limbo for a year. Now my time is up and I have reconstituted. By demonic law I can neither re-challenge you nor indulge in another fuck fight with you. None of us can. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to let that outrage pass.” “All—of you demons—are back?” Prior said, horrified. “With a vengeance, feces-face. We spent our time in limbo planning how to fix you once we got the chance. We realized that we would have to make you come to us. That meant we would have to have something you wanted, even if you didn’t know it yet. So we set you up with a special Tower Maiden and gave you a chance to get to know her.”

That explained everything. They had abducted Tantamount and let him know it, without naming her. She really was his ideal woman, as he now knew. They had arranged it so that he would discover this. The moment she committed to him, so that he knew there really could be a future with her, they had pounced. She had never been the real target;
he
had been. She was the one thing that would make him come to the vengeful demons. She had served their purpose admirably.

The demon nodded, aware of the progress of Prior’s thoughts. “Now here’s how it’s gonna be, fuckass. We can’t challenge you, but you can challenge us. We can’t fuck you, but we can fart you. So you are going to challenge each of us to a farting to the death as long as you last, which won’t be long because I will vaporize you before my sibling branches have the chance, much to their displeasure.”

Prior knew he had been supremely lucky to have beaten the five demons, there on Mount Icecream. He knew better than to tackle them again. He would have to find some other way to rescue Tantamount from their possession. “Forget it, twiggy. I’m not getting into a hexagon with any of you.”

The demon frowned. “Oh, that’s too bad, pantywaist. Are you sure I can’t persuade you to change your ignorant little mind?” “Quite sure,” Prior said. “Not even if I do something foul to your girlfriend?” The demon reached out of the picture, caught hold of something, and hauled Tantamount into sight by her hair. Baby Chance was still in her arms. “Let her go!” Prior said. “She’s not part of this!” “Ah, but she is, stink-guts. She is your inspiration.” “She’s my fiancée,” Prior agreed. “But you have no quarrel with her.” “Here’s how it is, putrid prick. She’s going to ask you to challenge us.” “No I won’t!” Tantamount cried. “Don’t do it, Prior!” “So why should I?” Prior asked, though he was now distinctly nervous.