The Magus, A Revised Version (86 page)

‘
That I was your last true friend.
’
She added quickly,
‘
Which wasn
’
t all a lie. The friend part, anyway.
’

‘
I wasn
’
t going to buy it.
’

‘
You weren
’
t really expected to.
’
She gave me another quick smile.
‘
If you can imagine playing chess, but not to win … merely to see what moves the other person makes.
’

‘
All that Lily and Rose nonsense.
’

‘
The names are a kind of joke. There
’
s a card in the Tarot pack called the magus. The magician … conjuror. Two of his traditional symbols are the lily and the rose.
’

W
e
came past the hotel into the little square round the main harbour. The lightning made its shuttered facades spring luridly to life, like a stage set… and what she was beginning to tell me, that too was like the lightning: flashes of seeing all, darkness of still doubting
it. But as with the real lightning, illumination
began to overcome night.

‘
Why is it Julie
’
s first year?
’

‘
Her emotional life
’
s been
– I
gather she told you.
’

‘
She was at Cambridge?
’

‘
Yes. Her affaire with Andrew really was a disaster. I knew she hadn
’
t got over it. I thought this might help her. And Maurice was attracted by the possibilities that twin sisters afforded. That was another reason.
’

‘
I was meant to fall for her?
’

She hesitated.
‘
Nothing in the course of our experiments is
“
meant
”
in that sense. You can force people to do many things, but not feel sexual attraction. Or the opposite.
’
She looked down at the cobbles.
‘
It
’
s improvised, Nicholas. Not planned. If you like, the rat is given a kind of parity with the experimenter. It also can dictate the walls of the maze. As you have, perhaps without fully realizing it.
’
A few steps passed, then she said in a lighter voice.
‘
I
’
ll tell you one other secret. Julie wasn
’
t at all happy about Sunday. The kidnapping. In fact we weren
’
t at all sure she would do it. Till she did.
’

I thought back: and remembered Julie
’
s marked reluctance to show me that wretched subterranean hiding-place before our picnic and what had followed it; and even then I had almost forced it on her.

‘
Do I have any sisterly approval
–
in real life?
’

‘
You should have met her last answer to every maiden
’
s prayer.
’
She added quickly,
‘
I
’
m being catty. Andrew was very clever. Sensitive. But a bisexual. They do have awful problems. She needs someone …
‘
I saw her mouth curve.
‘
My strictly clinical opinion is that she
’
s found him.
’

We climbed an uphill alley towards the square of the execution.

‘
All the old man has told me about his past
–
is that all invention?
’

‘
We
’
re very anxious to hear your guesses and conclusions first.
’

‘
But you know the truth?
’

She hesitated.
‘
I think I know most of the truth. I know what Maurice has let us know.
’

I pointed at the wall where the plaque commemorating the execution stood.
‘
And about that?
’

‘
Ask anyone in the village.
’

‘
I know he was here. But did it happen as he said?
’

She was silent a moment.
‘
Why do you think it didn
’
t?
’

‘
All that vision of the pure essence of freedom was very fine. But eighty lives seems rather a high price for it. And hardly to tie in with the hatred of suicide you claim he has.
’

‘
Then perhaps he made a terrible error of judgment?
’

That set me back a moment.
‘
That
’
s what I felt.
’

‘
Did you tell him so?
’

‘
Not in so many words.
’

I saw her smile.
‘
Then perhaps that was your error of judgment.
’
She went on before I could answer.
‘
When I was once … what you are now, he spent an evening destroying every belief I had in my own intelligence, every pride I had in my work, all in circumstances where I had to believe him … in the end I broke down, I just kept saying, It isn
’
t true, it isn
’
t true, I
’
m not like that. Then I looked up, and he was smiling. He
just said, At last.
’

‘
I wish he didn
’
t seem to get such genuine sadistic enjoyment out of doing it.
’

‘
But that
’
s precisely why one believes him. Or he would say, precisely why one doesn
’
t stand up against the real thing.
’
She glanced drily at me.
‘
The apparently sadistic conspiracy against the individual we call evolution. Existence. History.
’

‘
I realized that was what the meta-theatre was about.
’

‘
He used to give a famous lecture on art as institutionalized illusion.
’
She grimaced.
‘
One secret horror we always have is that someone like you will have read it. It
’
s one reason we could never do this to a young French intellectual.
’

‘
He is French?
’

‘
No. Greek. But he was born in Alexandria. Mostly brought up in France. His father was very rich. Cosmopolitan. At least I imagine. Maurice seems to have rebelled against the life he was supposed to lead. He claims he first went to England to escape from his parents. To study medicine.
’

‘
And obviously you admire him a lot.
’

She gave a little nod as she walked, then said quietly,
‘
I think he
’
s the greatest teacher in the world. I don
’
t even think. I know.
’

‘
How did it go last year?
’

‘
Oh God. That dreadful man. We had to find another subject. Not from the school. Someone in Athens.
’

‘
And Lever
rier?
’

She had a smile, unmistakably of affectionate memory.
‘
John.
’
Then she touched my arm.
‘
That
’
s a very different story. Tomorrow? Now it
’
s your turn. Tell me a bit more about… you know.
’

So I told her a little about Alison. I hadn
’
t misled her in any way in Athens, of course. I simply hadn
’
t realized how much she had been hiding.

‘
There was no previous record of suicide attempts?
’

‘
Absolutely none. She
’
d always seemed someone who could take things as they came.
’

‘
No depressive… ?
’

‘
No.
’

‘
It does happen. With women. Out of the blue. The tragedy is, they often don
’
t really mean it.
’

‘
I
’
m afraid she did.
’

‘
It was probably always latent. Though there are usually signs.
’
She said,
‘
And usually there
’
s a better reason for it than just breaking
off
a relationship.
’

‘
I
’
ve tried to feel that.
’

‘
At least it
’
s not as if you lied to her in any way.
’
She pressed my hand briefly.
‘
You mustn
’
t blame yourself

We had come to the house, and in high time, because the first sporadic but heavy drops of rain were beginning to splash down. The storm seemed to be heading straight for the island. June pushed the outer gate open and I followed her up the path. She took a key and unlocked the front door. The hall was lit, though the current kept wavering under the much greater currents of electricity being discharged in the sky. There she turned and kissed my cheek quickly, almost shyly.

‘
Wait here. She may be asleep. I won
’
t be a second.
’

I watched her run up the stairs and disappear. There was a tap, and she called Julie
’
s name in a low voice. A door opened and closed. Then silence. The thunder and lightning outside, an abrupt squall of more consistent rain on the windowpanes, a gust of cool air from somewhere. Two minutes passed. Then the invisible door upstairs opened.

Julie came first, barefooted, in a black kimono over a white nightdress. She paused a moment, a distressed face, staring down at me, then she came running down the stairs.

‘
Oh Nicholas.
’

She fell into my arms. We didn
’
t kiss. June stayed at the top, smiling down. Julie held me away from her, searching my eyes.

‘
Why
didn
’
t
you tell me?
’

‘
I
don
’
t know.
’

She sank against me again, a
s if she was the one who needed
comforting. I patted her back. June blew a light kiss, a benison, down at me from the top of the stairs, then disappeared.

‘
June
’
s told you?
’

‘
Yes.
’

‘
Everything?
’

‘
Some of it.
’

She held me a little closer still.
‘
I
’
m so relieved it
’
s all over.
’

‘
I haven
’
t forgiven you for Sunday.
’

She looked up, with a good deal more seriousness in her face than there had been in my voice; beseeched me to believe her.

‘
I
hated
it. Nicholas, I nearly didn
’
t do it. Honestly. It was so terrible, knowing it was going to happen.
’