The Making of Matt (12 page)

“Good,” Matt said, scooting a little nearer to me. I was grateful he stopped. If I’d felt his skin on mine I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from kissing him. “Because I want to know. I
need
to know.”

I took a deep steadying breath. “They say you never forget your first love,” I began. “In my case, I didn’t plan on having a second. Corey was my whole world.” I smiled at the memory, closing my eyes briefly as I tried to picture his face.

“
Was
your world?” Matt pressed, either nerves or curiosity making his words wobble.

“He died. Just over six years ago. If you remember the day you bought me the jag, when-”

“When you chewed my ass off for trying to be helpful?”

“That was the anniversary of his death. That’s why I’ve been staying at the hotel. We didn’t have much money when we were together so we couldn’t go far, but when we wanted to get away, we’d go there and pretend we were on vacation on the other side of the world. I just…I just needed to feel close to him.”

I remembered my childhood well; football games on Saturdays, church on Sundays, having friends over for dinner during the week. Standard stuff. I remembered when I met Corey, the first time we kissed, the moment he told me he loved me, the way he used to eat the crusts on his sandwiches before eating the middle, and I remembered the pain melting from his eyes when he closed them for the last time. Anything after that became a blur.

For the last six years I existed. I survived. But I didn’t
live
. It was like someone had hit the pause button on my life when I lost Corey. Sleep, work, eat, shower, repeat. Occasionally, if it got
too
monotonous, I’d call Ryan for a quick, emotionless, fuck.

“Oh, Alex…” Matt shuffled even closer, our knees touching. The contact reverberated throughout my entire body. “What happened to him?”

“He died from AIDS.” The words cracked on my lips as every ounce of pain I felt when Corey was diagnosed came flooding to the surface. “He didn’t know he was HIV positive, and when he started getting sick we just thought he had a cold at first, but he continued to get worse. He had a fever, his body ached, he shivered, threw up daily. He refused to see a doctor for a while, assuring me it was just a bad case of the flu, but then these nasty looking blisters started cropping up all over his body. Just his back at first, but then they spread to his face and chest. Only then did the stubborn ass agree to go and see a doctor.”

I dragged in a shallow breath, any deeper and I feared my heart might break. “It was too late. He’d progressed to AIDS. He died a few months later.”

The AIDS had weakened Corey’s immune system beyond repair and made him more susceptible to skin cancer. Kaposi’s sarcoma they called it. That’s what caused the blisters. The doctors tried antivirals and chemotherapy but it was too late, it’d ravaged his body, stolen his future. He was cruelly snatched away from me, taking a piece of me with him that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get back.

Matt blew out a puff of air through pursed lips. “Is—doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” I countered. My fingers involuntarily reached out to him, taking his hand in mine. “You can ask me anything. I want to lay everything out tonight, Matt.”

After a deep breath and a quick glance at my eyes before looking away again, Matt continued. “Is that how you got it? The HIV?”

“Yes,” I answered, simply and honestly. “Corey was my first, but he was older than me and quite the player before we met. I was okay with that. We’d talked about it and he was sure he’d always been careful. Don’t you see? The risk of transmission…it’s too big.
That’s
why I pushed you away. When Corey was diagnosed, I got tested. The look in his eyes when my result came back positive, the guilt, the
pain
… He died feeling like he’d ended my life. I can’t risk feeling that way.”

I shook my head, my cheeks damp from the tears I didn’t feel fall. “What if I do that to you? I couldn’t live with myself.”

“There are precautions we can take,” Matt insisted, his tone bouncy and hopeful. He pulled out of my grasp so he could take both of my hands in his. Squeezing them firmly, he pressed them into his lap. “I’ve been reading up on it.”

He was breaking me and every fiber of my being told me to pull away. But I couldn’t. I was frozen. A slave to his touch. It felt like his hands were supplying my oxygen and if I let go I would crumble and die right there on the spot. “Matt…”

“Alex, don’t think this doesn’t terrify me. Not just the HIV but this whole fucking thing. Your illness scares me.
You
scare me. All these fucking feelings scare me! But what scares me the most is the thought of my life feeling as empty as it has these last few weeks.”

Yanking my hands free from his hold, I stood up and padded to the other side of the room. I knew about the precautions. I’d had the counseling. I even knew that statistically, given my viral load being undetectable on my last three blood tests, my risk of transmitting was low. I also knew, however, that it could increase at any time and no matter the results, no matter how careful we were or what drugs Matt took, I would
always
pose a risk to him.

The couch creaked as Matt stood up, his footsteps gaining on me. I turned to face him and wanted to cry at the emotion contorting his face. “I don’t know how or why I feel like I do,” he said, his voice strained. “I’m confused about
everything
…except the fact that I want you. I
need
you, Alex. I need you to believe in me. To trust me. I need you to give me a chance to prove to you that I’m serious about this. About
us
. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, that I won’t get freaked out and turn into a monster jackass sometimes. But I want to try, and fuck I need you to want it too.”

I didn’t notice it happening but suddenly Matt’s face was almost touching mine. The muscles in my arm twitched, fighting against the urge to push him away. A familiar voice in my head screamed at me to leave, but in that moment, my heart was louder. My fingers snuck beneath the canopy of his mousey-brown hair, finding their way to his neck. I cupped his face, resting my forehead against his as I inhaled his scent. The heat of his soft skin seared my fingertips as I ironed along his broad shoulders and down his back. My lips trembled, still trying to find the strength to utter a protest, but when Matt’s mouth sought mine, I knew in my heart I had made my decision. Dipping my tongue between his lips, there was no going back from this. I didn’t have the will or the energy to resist him any longer.

As his breath entered my mouth, it surged through my body, reigniting the passion for life that had been slowly slipping away. In that moment we were one person. He was part of me, and that was when I realized that he had been for a long time. Without him, I’d no longer exist.

“Matt,” I panted, breaking the kiss and willing my feet to take a step back.

He sighed, dropping his head before tearing his fingers through his hair. “Don’t do this again. Please.”

Cupping his cheeks and tilting his head until his eyes met mine, I smiled. “I’m not. I just need a minute,” I assured. “This is a lot to take in.”

“Yeah,” he agreed with a short chuckle. “Tell me about it. I should probably let this giant boner settle anyway.” Reaching into his pants, Matt adjusted himself. That right there, that candid honesty, was what drew me to him in the first place. He had no filter, a rarity in this new age of political correctness, and it was difficult not to love that about him.

“Are you laughing at me?” Matt asked, swatting my shoulder.

“No!” I denied, my smile so wide it made my jaw ache.

“You are! You so fucking are!” He continued to slap me as he began to laugh himself. “It’s not funny! I don’t get boners over guys. You’ve fucking broken me!”

I’d been moving backwards in an effort to dodge Matt’s playful blows and I didn’t notice how close to the furniture I’d gotten until I tripped over the coffee table and went crashing down onto the couch. I saw him reaching for his weapon of choice – a gray satin cushion that I’d knocked to the floor during my fall – but I was too late to stop him. I shielded my face with my forearm as the cushion rained down on me over and over again. I could barely breathe through the laughter as I tried tirelessly to kick him away, all the while screaming like a little girl.

“Say! You’re! Sorry!” Matt demanded in between strikes, his tone light and mischievous. “Apologize for making my dick confused!”

“Alright! Alright! I’m sorry!” I squealed, my heart pounding as if I’d ran a marathon. “Matt’s penis, please forgive me!”

“Hmm,” Matt pondered, holding the cushion threateningly in the air before dropping it on the floor. “That’ll do.”

I swung my legs off the couch, hoisting myself upright so he could sit beside me. “I’ve missed you,” I blurted. His eyes darted to mine and I couldn’t focus on anything else. “I’m so sorry, Matt. I abandoned you when you were going through the worst period of your life. I’m a lousy friend.” I wasn’t seeking sympathy, simply speaking the truth. Running away and hiding was a stupid thing to do at any time, but so close after losing his mother… “I’ve been a selfish dick, and I’m sorry.”

“Yesterday I’d have agreed with you, but after tonight…I get it now. I just wish you’d told me sooner.”

I followed Matt’s shifting gaze and found him staring at my hand. Tilting his head to one side, he just looked at it, curiosity furrowing his brow. Slowly, his fingers inched toward it, stuttering over my palm for a few seconds before closing around my hand. He circled the top of my wrist with his thumb, rough from years spent playing the drums, causing my breath to catch in my throat.

“What are you thinking?” I asked, unable to decipher his expression as he continued to glare at our interlocked hands.

“That this should feel weird. Holding your hand like this.”

“And how
does
it feel?” I asked, curling my thumb around his.

“Perfect,” he whispered, his voice so low it was barely there. The word danced into my ears, warming my veins. His thoughts mirrored mine and if I allowed myself to push past the fear, I saw that this was the beginning of something magical. “Like my hand was created to fit in yours.”

I placed my other hand on top of Matt’s, bringing it to my chest and pressing his palm over my heart. “This isn’t going to be easy.” I wasn’t backtracking. I wanted this. Wanted
him
. But we couldn’t go in blind. We were both afraid of relationships, albeit for different reasons, but nonetheless the fears were real. Acknowledging them was the only way we could possibly succeed. “We need to see a doctor. Get you started on PrEP before-”

“Truvada, right?”

My lips cracked into an uneven smile. “You really
have
been researching.”
You really
do
want this.

“It’s important to me.
You’re
important to me. I didn’t get far because you turned up while I was looking online, but I know about the drug, and that I’ll need professional support. I know my track record but this feels different. It isn’t just a whim or a phase. It’s too strong.” Matt shook his head as if he couldn’t believe his own words. “I’m in this for the long haul, Alex, and I’ll prove it if you’ll let me.”

Tucking one leg under my ass, I shifted sideways so we were face to face. Dropping his hands, I pressed my palms onto Matt’s bare shoulders, slowly moving down his arms and flexing my fingers around the contours of his muscles. “This is insane,” I breathed, leaning forward and brushing my nose against the tip of his. “It doesn’t feel real.”

Tilting his head, Matt touched my lips with his, the sound of his designer stubble grazing against mine sending violent shivers down my spine. “How about this?” he murmured, followed by the tip of his tongue darting through his plump lips and tracing the corners of my mouth. “Does this feel real?”

I broke away just long enough to expel the long breath it felt like I’d been holding forever. I dug my ass into the soft leather, trying to loosen my restrictive pants that were so tight around my hard dick it felt like it might snap in two. I almost came in my underwear when he grabbed my hair, pulling my head to the side as he kissed a trail from my ear to my jaw.

I couldn’t suppress the moan that crawled from my throat when Matt took my hand and guided it to his crotch. I yearned to touch him, but hesitated, unsure of how he’d react. This was new for me, too. I’d never been with anyone so inexperienced before. In a sense, Matt was a virgin again and instinct told me I should take every step slowly, let him take the lead.

“I need you to touch me,” Matt said, what sounded like desperation making his voice quiver. “I’m clean, so no reason you can’t give me a little taster of what’s to come.” He flashed me the impish grin I’d missed so much and the urge to taste those curved lips again became too intense to resist.

Gripping the back of his neck with one hand and fumbling with his zipper with the other, I drove my tongue into his mouth, greedily kissing, licking and tasting as far as I could reach. I’d never wanted to fuck someone so much in my life. My cock twitched with the need to bury myself inside him, pound him into next week. But for now, just the idea of touching him, pleasing him, was enough to satiate my craving.