The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (95 page)

The woman replied, “That sounds really good. But if you press nine frst, sir, you’ll get an outside line.”

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. She rang my room and said, “What the fuck are you doing with your life?”

A vicar was staying overnight in a hotel and before he went to sleep for the night, he had a look at the Gideon Bible in the bedside drawer. The following morning he was awoken by the maid with a cup of tea.

“Good morning, dear,” said the vicar. “Fancy a quick shag?”

“But you’re a man of the cloth,” said the maid. “That can’t be right!”

“It’s perfectly all right, dear,” replied the vicar. “I assure you, it says so in the Bible!” So the maid hopped into bed with the vicar. When it was over she got out of the bed and said: “I trust you, reverend, but I would feel better about this if you showed me the passage in the Bible where it says it’s all right.”

The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon Bible and opened it. Someone had written on the inside cover: “Ask the maid if she fancies a fuck. She usually does.”

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

“Do you have reservations?” enquires the receptionist.

“Just the one,” replies the groom. “She doesn’t take it up the arse.”

A man and his wife and two children book into a family room in a hotel. The man says to the hotel receptionist, “I hope the porn in my room is disabled.”

The receptionist replies, “No it’s just the regular porn, you sick bastard!”

Bill asks his friend Derek if he fancies a spot of duck hunting. Derek says to Bill, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.” So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Derek says, “Well I can’t be bothered to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”

Bill says, “Hang on a minute, you’re relying on the dog to count how many ducks there are out there? You have to be joking.”

So Bill goes to look for himself and, lo and behold, there are just a couple of ducks. When he gets back he says to Derek, “I don’t believe it. Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”

Derek says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”

So Bill goes to the dog breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Derek has. The breeder obliges and Bill brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Bill’s leg. He takes the dog back to the breeder and complains, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”

The breeder asks Bill what the dog did exactly. Bill explains that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, “I see. He was just trying to tell you that there are more ducks out there than you can shake a fucking stick at.”

A big-game hunter walked in the bar and started bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. Not only was he a good shot, he claimed that if he was blindfolded he could recognize any dead game bird or animal pelt simply by feel. Not only that, if he could locate the bullet hole, he could even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The barman challenged him to put his money where his mouth was, so the hunter agreed to prove his skills if the other customers put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his frst item. After feeling it for a few moments, he said “Hare.” Then he felt around for the bullet hole and added, “Shot with a .308 rife.” He was dead right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car boot. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Deer, shot with a 7-mm rife.” He was right again. For the rest of the evening he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, blind drunk and fell into bed. The next morning he got up with a sore head and when he looked in the bathroom mirror found that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was pissed last night, but not so pissed that I got in a fght I don’t remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and woke me up by putting your hand inside my knickers. Then you stuck three fngers inside me and shouted, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

A man went out hunting with a double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him directly through the genitalia. When he came round from surgery several hours later, he found that the doctor had done what appeared to be a very satisfactory job of repairing the damage. He thanked the doctor profusely and as he was getting ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.”

The farmer asks: “Is your brother a specialist?”

“No,” the doctor replies, “he plays the fute. He’ll show you where to put your fngers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

Two men are out in the woods hunting, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. His friend takes out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”