The Marriage Book (72 page)

GULIELMA ALSOP AND MARY M
C
BRIDE

SHE’S OFF TO MARRIAGE
, 1942

Physician and educator, founder of Barnard College’s medical department in 1917, Gulielma Alsop (1881–1978) was its head for thirty-five years. The responsibilities of that job did not stop her from writing voluminously on subjects pertaining to women in war, at college, at work, and in marriage. Mary Frances McBride (1900–1959), a longtime private-school teacher in the New York area, was Alsop’s coauthor on this and a number of other books and articles.

[A] girl may not know whether she wants to marry the man she is going out with or not. She enjoys him as a friend. She likes to be with him. His manners are good, and he does not annoy her with too much affection. He is a rising young man in the community. But she does not think she wants to marry him. The truth is, although she may not know it, she is not ready for marriage. She wants neither its physical nor emotional impact; nor does she want her life disturbed and upset. Deep within her, she wants children, and she knows that a young mother is the best. Theoretically, she agrees that she ought to marry Jim and marry him now, while he is beseeching her to. But she is still reluctant, not being sure whether she loves him or not, not being sure whether he is the sort of person she wants for her husband or not. The reason is, she doesn’t want to be disturbed.

But a girl should know that men do not wait; that if she does not marry her Jim, he, like a sensible man, will find himself a girl who will marry him, and marry him now. Not by too much introspection nor too much weighing of pros and cons will a girl find her heart and its dictates, but by making up her mind resolutely that, since she does want to be married, she will have to say yes to the man of the moment.

WHO

PITTACUS, CIRCA 600 BC

Credited with such sayings as “The measure of a man is what he does with power” and “Forgiveness is better than revenge,” Pittacus of Mytilene (circa 640–circa 568 BC) was considered one of the Seven Wise Men of Greece. In his advice about marriage—compiled in 1825 by the Archbishop of Cambray—he was downright playful.

The little congeniality that existed between [Pittacus] and his wife inspired him . . . with the liveliest aversion to ill-assorted matches. A man went to him one day to ask his advice as to which wife he should choose from two that were offered to him, one of whom was nearly on an equality with himself, the other much his superior both in birth and fortune. “Go,” said Pittacus, pointing with the stick on which he was leaning to the place he meant to describe, “go to the corner where you see the children assembling together to play, join them a while, and follow the advice they will presently give you.” Accordingly the young man went among them; the little ones directly began to laugh and push him about, and to call out to him, “Get away; go among your equals.” This determined him to think no more of the lady who was so much above himself, but to be contented with her who was in his own rank.

MANU

CODE OF LAW
, CIRCA 500 BC

In the ancient Hindu text the Manava-Dharma Shastra, or laws of Manu, the great Brahmin teacher Manu laid out the rules of family and religious life. Some believed he had received the laws from Lord Brahma himself. The text was written by multiple authors and added to over time. The passage quoted below is from the chapter titled “Marriage.”

He must not marry a girl who has red hair or an extra limb; who is sickly; who is without or with too much bodily hair; who is a blabbermouth or jaundiced-looking; who is named after a constellation, a tree, a river, a very low caste, a mountain, a bird, a snake, or a servant; or who has a frightening name. He should marry a woman who is not deficient in any limb; who has a pleasant name; who walks like a goose or an elephant; and who has fine body and head hair, small teeth, and delicate limbs.

AFRICAN PROVERB

Never marry a woman with bigger feet than your own.

AESOP

“THE FATAL MARRIAGE,” CIRCA 6TH CENTURY BC

There have always been questions about the identity of Aesop, a Greek figure credited with the writing of hundreds of fables. So much confusion surrounds his background that, though a man named Aesop is believed to have lived in the sixth or seventh century BC, his name is now assumed to be a catchall signature for the moralistic tales that came either from oral traditions or from a variety of writers. Under the title of
Aesop’s Fables
, however, are such famous tales as “The Tortoise and the Hare” and “Androcles and the Lion” and such morals as “One person’s meat is another’s poison,” and “Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

The Lion, touched with gratitude by the noble procedure of a Mouse, and resolving not to be outdone in generosity by any wild beast whatsoever, desired his little deliverer to name his own terms, for that he might depend upon his complying with any proposal he should make. The Mouse, fired with ambition at this gracious offer, did not so much consider what was proper for him to ask, as what was in the powers of his prince to grant; and so demanded his princely daughter, the young lioness, in marriage. The Lion consented; but, when he would have given the royal virgin into his possession, she, like a giddy thing as she was, not minding how she walked, by chance set her paw upon her spouse, who was coming to meet her, and crushed him to pieces.

Moral: Beware of unequal matches. Alliances prompted by ambition often prove fatal.

CHODERLOS DE LACLOS

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES
, 1782

Pierre Choderlos de Laclos (1741–1803) was a French statesman and military officer, but his expressed ambition was to write something that would outlast him. He succeeded with
Les Liaisons Dangereuses
, an epistolary novel that explored the scandalous intrigues of French society. Rumors and advice flew back and forth in the letters, including this kernel of wisdom from the scheming Marquise de Merteuil to the virginal Cécile de Volanges.

As far as husbands are concerned, one is as good as another; and even the most inconvenient is less of a trial than a mother.

“THE CHOICE OF A HUSBAND, BY A LADY”

MASSACHUSETTS MAGAZINE
, 1794

A man that’s neither high nor low

In party nor in stature,

No rake, no rattle, and no beau,

But not unus’d to flatter.

Let him not be a learned fool

That nods o’er musty books,

That eats, and drinks, and lives by rule, And weighs our words and looks.

Let him be easy, free, and gay,

Of dancing never tir’d,

Have always something smart to say,

Yet silent when requir’d.

Let him be rich, not covetous,

Nor generous to excess,

Willing that I should keep the purse,

And please myself in dress.

A little courage let him have

From insults to protect me,

Provided that he’s not so brave

To dare to contradict me.

Ten thousand pounds a year I like,

But if so much can’t be,

You seven from the ten may strike,

I’ll be content with three.

His face—no matter if ’tis plain,

But let it not be fair—

The man my heart is sure to gain, Who can with this compare.

And if some lord should chance t’agree

With the above description,

Though I’m not fond of quality,

It shall be no objection.

“HOW TO AVOID A BAD HUSBAND”

ROCKLAND COUNTY MESSENGER
, 1853

When the
Christian Observer
reprinted this article five months after its first publication, an editor added one sentence: “In the choice of a wife, take the obedient daughter of a good mother.”

1. Never marry for wealth. A woman’s life consisteth not in the things he possesseth.

2. Never marry a fop, or one who struts about, dandy like, in his silk gloves and ruffles, with silvered cane, and rings on his fingers. Beware! there is a trap!

3. Never marry a niggard, a close-fisted, mean, sordid wretch, who saves every penny, or spends it grudgingly. Take care, least he stint you to death!

4. Never marry a stranger, or one whose character is not known or tested. Some females jump right into the fire with their eyes wide open!

5. Never marry a mope, or a drone, one who drawls through life, one foot after another, and lets things take their own course!

6. Never marry a man who treats his mother or sister unkindly or indifferently. Such treatment is a sure indication of a mean and wicked beast!

7. Never, on any account, marry a gambler, profane person, one who in the least speaks lightly of God, or religion! Such a man can never make a good husband!

8. Never marry a sloven, a man who is negligent of his person, or his dress, and is filthy in his habits! The external appearance is an index to the heart!

9. Shun the rake as a snake! a viper! a demon!

10. Finally, never marry a man who uses tobacco in any form, or who is addicted to the use of ardent spirits. Depend upon it, you are better off alone than you would be were you tied to a man whose breath is polluted, and whose vitals are being gnawed by alcohol.

FRANCES HARPER

“ADVICE TO THE GIRLS,” 1855

Frances Ellen Watkins Harper (1825–1911) was an abolitionist, a member of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, and a cofounder of the National Association of Colored Women.

Wed not a man whose merit lies

In things of outward show,

In raven hair or flashing eyes,

That please your fancy so.

But marry one who’s good and kind,

And free from all pretence;

Who, if without a gifted mind,

At least has common sense.

HENRY STANTON

SEX: AVOIDED SUBJECTS DISCUSSED IN PLAIN ENGLISH
, 1922

In his list of who should
not
marry, Henry Stanton was echoing themes popularized in the 1920s by eugenicists, many of them mainstream scientists who believed that factors including poor mental and physical health should rule out some candidates for marriage and procreation.

We have been unable to locate any information about the author of this sixty-two-page book, part of a series published by “Social Culture Publications”; all we know is that he is
not
the Henry B. Stanton who was married to Elizabeth Cady. Possibly the topic made the use of a pseudonym seem necessary.

Men suffering with diseases which may be communicated by contagion or heredity should not marry. These diseases include: tuberculosis, syphilis, cancer, leprosy, epilepsy and some nervous disorders, some skin diseases and insanity. A worn-out rake has no business to marry, since marriage is not a hospital for the treatment of disease, or a reformatory institution for moral lepers. Those having a marked tendency to disease must not marry those of similar tendency. The marriage of cousins is not to be advocated. The blood relation tends to bring together persons with similar morbid tendencies. Where both are healthy, however, there seems to be no special liability to mental incompetency, though such marriages are accused of producing defective or idiot
children. Men suffering from congenital defects should not marry. Natural blindness, deafness, muteness, and congenital deformities of limb are more or less likely to be passed on to their children. There are cases of natural blindness, though, to which this rule does not apply. Criminals, alcoholics, and persons disproportionate in size should not marry. In the last-mentioned, lack of mutual physical adaptability may produce much unhappiness, especially on the part of the wife. Serious local disease, sterility, and great risk in childbirth may result. Disparity of years, disparity of race, a poverty which will not permit the proper raising of children, undesirable moral character are all good reasons for not marrying.

D. H. LAWRENCE

LADY CHATTERLEY’S LOVER
, 1928

For background on Lawrence, see
Fidelity
.

The ellipses are the author’s.

The world is supposed to be full of possibilities, but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience. There’s lots of good fish in the sea . . . maybe . . . but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you’re not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea.