The Mason List (25 page)

“Damn
it!  You don't own me,
Jessup Mason!
  Not
you
or your
damn
parents
.  No one does.” 

“Shit!  I
didn't mean it that way.”

“There's
no other way to mean that.”  My body shook with each ragged breath.  The anger
consumed my emotions, causing my palms to clench tight.

“Ok,
fine.  I meant it that way.  I'm not gonna deny it.  But there’s still the part
of you that’s my friend.  I'm tryin' to look out for you, but you’re makin' it
damn near impossible.” 

“You
aren’t looking out for me.  This is not about us being friends.  You are trying
to dictate what I do here.”

“What
exactly
are
you doin’ here? Tryin’ to prove some point? Is this really
what you want? Someone like Dutch? Some pot-smoking asshole? You do that now
too,
Lexie
? You smoke a little then
fuck him
?” 

“
Shut
up!
” I yelled, cutting him off. 

“What?
You don't like the truth thrown in your face? Hit a nerve,
Lexie
?” he
sneered.  “How’d it make you feel, knowin’ you were wedged right in between
half the other girls he had this summer? All the pathetic morons who fell for
his lies that made them feel special.  Did that get rid of all those
sad
feelin’s of being poor Alex and your horrible past of havin’ nowhere to go so
you were forced to live at Sprayberry with me.” 

“Stop
it!”  I couldn’t believe he would be so mean, bringing up the very thing that
haunted me.  “You’re being a complete asshole.  I don't even know who you are
right now, Jess.”

“Don't
know who
I
am? Really? You are so unbelievable.  You created an entire
new identity to be with someone else.”

“You act
like I'm some commune-brainwashed druggie slut.” 

“Your
words, not mine, but that pretty much sums it up,” he spat back.

I felt so
angry even my skin hurt; my fingers balled up into fists.  “You have no idea
how much I hate you right now.” 

“Feelin’
is mutual.”

“No one
asked you to come here.”

“Well, I
guess you’re right on that one.  I thought you would be happy to see me after
you made that phone call.  Now, I know it came from
New Orleans
where
you went with him.  Waste of time and gas drivin' halfway across the state to
see if you were ok.”

“I'm sure
it won't make a dent in your precious Mason trust fund.”

“Really?
You’re stoopin’ to that?  Alex, you have always been snarky, but as Lexie,
you’re just a complete
bitch!
”  He crossed the few steps to shout the
insult straight into my face.

“
I’m
the bitch? 
You’re
the spoiled, rich, asshole.  Just like all the rumors
in Arlis.”

“You mean
the same rumors that said you’re a
homeless slut.
  Oh wait, I guess that’s
all true now.”

I slapped
him. 

The sting
radiated across my palm from the force I put into the hit.  This conversation
needed to end before something catastrophic happened, but I think it was
already too late.  I had hit Jess, and he looked like he wanted to drown me in
the lake.

“We need
to stop.” It came out breathless as I focused on the ground to break our
murderous eye contact. “Take a break.”

“You want
a break? That’s what you really want?”

“Yes.” I
looked up and bit down hard on my lip. 

“Then
fine!  You can have your damn break.” Jess gave me a brief look as to say
it’s
your final chance
.  I watched his body turn and stock off down the trail.

I’d never
hated Jess in the past.  He made it impossible to truly hate that sweet,
smiling face.  Oh, I had been mad at him plenty of times, but it was never true
repulsion.  Tonight was different.  Hidden in my gut, I knew his accusations
came not from anger but something far deeper.  I was slowly breaking his heart,
and the pain oozed out in dagger strikes.  Even in his devastation, I didn't
deserve something like this from my best friend.  We were not together.  Yet,
he made me feel like some lying, cheating tramp.

I sat on
the log by the lake for almost an hour.  This was a mess, like a cluster-fuck of
a mess.  I really hit him.  How was that even possible?  It was his fault.  He
pushed and pushed and I broke.  I took a deep breath in my nose, counted to
five, and released it out across the night air.  I needed to calm down and then
go back.  Maybe we could have a civil, adult conversation about our situation.

I
returned to camp, but Jess was gone.  He had packed up and left after our
fight.  The rage inside me grew.  How dare he just leave! Our problem wasn’t
settled.  He just drove off in the middle of the night, after showing up
unannounced, spouting off hurtful and hateful words.

I
should call Sadie.
 
I snuffed the rational thought the moment it hit my brain.   Instead, a switch
flipped in my mind as I mulled through his terrible words over and over again,
like a broken record player.  I stomped through the camp, looking for my
target.  Dutch sat on a bench just out of sight from the mess hall.  I watched
him exhale a faint cloud into the hair.  He had a bag of Funyuns in his hand.

“Hey.”

“Hey Lexie. 
You ok?  Your face is…”

“I'm
fine.” I cut his words off with a snip.  I took the joint from his fingers and
stared down at the faint glow on the tip.  Fumbling with it a moment, I looked
back into his confused face. "I just wanted to know if you’re busy.  Give
me twenty minutes and I’ll meet you at the Hatchet House."

“Sure?”
Surprise flicker across his cheeks then a smile formed on his lips. “Um…that
sounds good."

“Ok
then.” I lifted the end to my lips and pulled in a long drag, only to succumb to
a fit of coughing.

“You
shouldn’t take in so much at once.  That’s some pure grade shit I don’t share
with those losers.  Here let me show you how…”

“I’m
fine,” I sputtered.  Taking a step back, I recovered enough to try again.  My
lips clamped down, and I inhaled a small drag that bubbled out with just a
small throat clear.  I sucked in another puff.  It was easier now, so I pulled
in three or four more before I handed the joint back to Dutch.

“See you
in a minute.”

“Lexie?”

I heard
Dutch, but I walked off toward the bunks.  Damn him! Double damn him for
leaving!  I was so angry, I couldn’t even think straight.  I went to Darcy’s
closest to find a dress.  I wanted to feel sexy for my meeting with Dutch.  I
yanked dresses off the hangers, looking for the perfect one.  I felt the
prickly sense of someone watching and turned to see a swirly image evaporate
into the darkness.  I was going crazy.

Turning
back around, I continued to paw through Darcy’s inappropriate attire until I
found a red, slinky one with spaghetti straps.  I took off all my clothes and
pulled the spandex fabric over my body.  The sensation returned, and I spun
around faster this time, catching the full image in my peripheral vision.

Against
the hazy darkness, Alex appeared with a concerned look etched on her freckled
face.  She watched; she disapproved.  I didn’t care.  In a blink, she
disappeared again as I left the bunk wearing the scarlet colored fabric.

Stumbling
over a few rocks, I followed the trail toward the small shed located a half
mile away from camp.  My gray tennis shoes made the dress a little less sexy,
but the walk needed the rubber soles.  The frogs seemed incredibly loud
tonight, like a song of echoes through the trees.  Was it a large frog, bigger
than all the others?  

I turned
around a few times, searching for the croaking noise and watching the moonlight
shine like a spotlight on the trees.  An iridescent glow bounced off the
leaves, reflecting back as a sparkle into the dark woods.  How did I miss the
intensity of the moon before tonight? 

The
handle of the Hatchet House required a body-pulling tug.  The small room had
tools lining the walls and a large mower in the corner.  It was dirty and gross
and smelled like gasoline.  So this was the glorious building the staff used as
a hook-up lounge.  Dutch stood by a little worktable in the center of the
room.  He leaned over with a small straw as I shut the door. 

“What are
you doing?”  The question came as he inhaled white power off the dirty table. 
I heard music playing somewhere in the room.  I looked up to see his phone
perched on a shelf, setting the mood for our little meeting.  Dutch wiped the
power off the tip of his nose.

“Just a
little pick-me-up before I have to spend the night with the little shitters at
the campfire.” He smiled and his teeth seemed to glow beneath the single bulb
hanging from the ceiling. 

“Is that
coke?”

“Darcy
keeps a stash.   I thought you knew that?”

“No.” I
shook my head. 

“You want
some more of this?  It’s some pretty strong shit, but you seem to handle it
like a champ.”  He reached out with the remaining butt from his joint.  I took
the small piece, inhaling the last few drags from the tip.  My fingers dropped
it to the floor, and I twisted out the remains.

“So
Lexie, I don’t know what finally changed your mind, but I’m glad you did. 
We’re going to have some fun.”  His fingers rested lightly around my waist,
pulling me close.  “You look hotter than shit tonight in that dress.”

Dutch
leaned in to kiss me.  Over the summer, we had exchanged passionate and
desperate moments, but tonight it was none of those intense feelings.  Dutch
exhaled, filling my nose with the scent of Funyuns.  He pressed my back against
the table and then lifted me in the air to sit where he just snorted the powder. 
The music grew louder and his breath seemed sweaty on my neck as his mouth
trailed down the front of the dress.

Dutch
pulled the straps off my shoulders.  He kept pulling until the top of the dress
was around my waist, exposing my naked skin.  I should feel vulnerable, but my
sense of shame got masked by the drugs floating in my head.  The longer I was
here, the less I seemed to care. 

Dutch
inched the dress up over my hips, leaving my ass exposed.  I had left my cotton
panties back in the bunk.  He stepped back and dropped his jeans, then reached
for his boxers.  I focused on his brown eyes.  I searched the dilated pupils
for something real, but only found an empty heaviness. 

I saw her
again.  Alex watched from across the room.  I closed my eyes to block her out. 
I really was going crazy.  Dutch pulled me to the edge of the table.  He had no
idea what this night meant for me.  Maybe he was too high or just didn’t care. 
Either way, it was too late to change the actions set in motion in the heat of anger. 
In this life-defining moment, I felt nothing; an empty void of raw emotions
from what I tried to forget.

Dutch
released my body, and it was over just like a shot at the doctor’s office; just
like a needle causing a quick stab of pain, followed by a nurse throwing the
capped syringe away in the plastic red trash.  It was impersonal yet invasive,
shooting through the living cells of one’s body.

“That
made the night just about damn perfect.”  He kissed my cheek as the music
echoed in a loud crescendo, bouncing off the walls, creating an aggravating
volume that pounded inside my head. 

I shifted
on the work bench, trying to pull down my dress.  The prickly wood stabbed my
bare butt cheek impaling a splinter.  I laughed at the ironic stupidity of
getting a splinter impaled in my ass.

“What’s
so funny?”  Dutch asked.  I noticed he was already dressed.

How did
he get dressed so fast?  Time was speeding by while I sat here with a splinter
in my ass.  Time?  How much time has passed since Jess left?  He left me and I
had sex with Dutch.  It really happened.  Jess accused me of being an
unfaithful, drug-abusing whore, and just left.  Now I was exactly that person;
the terrible one he accused me of becoming this summer.

Who
the hell is Lexie?
  
I heard his voice again. 
You’re mine.
  I’m being paranoid. 
It’s we
since we were eight. 
That mocking voice is not here. 
You can have your
damn break.  You can have your damn break.
 My hands gripped across my
forehead, pinching the skin around my hair line.  Jess drove away.  He is not
talking.  You are not here!  Did I chant the words out loud or just as an echo
in my mind?  I wasn’t sure.