The Mason List (29 page)

I
pretended to mingle amongst the familiar faces, keeping a sharp eye out for his
dark hair.  My rounds eventually made it over to the Masons.  Jess wasn’t with
them. 

“I am so
happy for your father, Alexandra.” Mrs. Mason’s diamond-glittered hand took
mine as she leaned forward with her light pink, glossed lips to kiss me on the
cheek. 

“Yes,
ma’am.”

“You also
look beautiful today, dear.”

“Thank
you, ma’am.”  I had let Sadie pick out an orangey red, satin dress the color of
fall.  At least this time she remembered I was about six inches taller than her
short frame.  My one shoulder dress ended at a very modest point on the cusp of
my knee. 

“We heard
you had a car situation.” 

“Yes,
ma’am.”

“Don’t
worry, dear.  We can take care of it.  It’s time you drove something more
suitable anyway.”

“Thank
you, Mrs.  Mason.” 

“You are
very welcome, Alexandra.”

I no
longer possessed the energy to grumble at the never-ending story.  I’m
surprised she lasted this long; not Chigger, but the ever so helpful Mrs. Mason
on buying me a new car.

We parted
ways, and I mingled through the crowd in search of my father.  Every so many
feet, someone latched on for a chit chat.  They must have invited the whole
damn town.  Plump Mrs. Landry remarked I was wasting away like a wisp of
grass.  Ms. Virginia Abbot, sporting a gray bun, squeezed a tight hug, and then
pinched my cheeks with a piercing comment about all that food I was eating in
Austin.  I loved that smashing another adult’s face, while criticizing, was
deemed socially acceptable at a wedding. 

Mrs.
Crawford, who always wore three strands of pearls, seemed generally concerned I
would never find a husband in that city.  She clucked her tongue about wasting
time because I wasn't getting any younger.  Meanwhile, Ms. Sara Beth Nelson
asked when Jess and I would be expecting our first child.  She just couldn’t
wait to see little ones again at Sprayberry. 

I smiled
politely with a
yes, ma’am
and
thank, you ma’am
around each kind,
meddling woman; never bothering to correct or appear offended.  Bless their
dear, old, demented hearts.  Never depend on Arlis for a dose of
self-confidence.  I was both too thin and too fat, while gallivanting around as
an old spinster at twenty, who apparently married Jess when I was sixteen. 

If they
only knew the truth of my actions the past few months.  Those bright red lips
would spread every juicy bit of gossip about that no good Tanner girl, who was
involved in drugs and wild sex, while breaking the heart of Arlis royalty. 
Afterwards, those women would line up with oak switches, aimed at my ass, and
then they would drag me by my ear to the front pew for a heavy prayer session.

I let out
a deep sigh of contemplation and then continued to search for my father and
Caroline.  I wanted to give one last hug before they headed to Galveston.  The
Masons had gifted a ten-day cruise as a wedding present. 

I walked
past Skeeter Rawlins, giving his new appearance a double take.  He sat next to
Uncle Frank, wearing a manicured beard and new haircut.  His clear, green eyes
smiled back in acknowledgement.  Well I'll be damned.  Skeeter looked like a
whole new person in his white button-up shirt and red tie.

“Hey,
Dad.” I found him enjoying a second piece of lemon-filled wedding cake.

“Hey,
Pumpkin.  Something wrong?”

“No, I
just wanted to say goodbye now instead of later.  You know how it gets when you
let them have birdseed.”  I smiled. 

“Pretty
crazy,” he chuckled.

“I wanted
you to know.  I really am happy for you.”

“I know
you are.” He hesitated, staring into my gaunt, hollow eyes.  “I’m worried. 
I’ve known something has been wrong.  Whatever happened between you and Jess,
you should try to fix it.”

“It's not
that simple.  I um, did something.  It’s my fault, and he doesn't want to talk
to me.  I don't know if it can be fixed.”

“Nothing
is beyond repair if you really want it bad enough.  Have you apologized?”

“He won't
let me.  Jess doesn’t want to talk to me.  He doesn’t want to hear it.”

“If you
are truly sorry, then you say it until he hears you.  No matter how many times
it takes.  I watched that boy take just about every punishment he could for
you.  Don't think I didn't know.” Embarrassment caused my cheeks to flush. 
“Just never give up, Pumpkin.  Not on the important ones.”

“I don’t
know, Dad.”

“Is he
still important to you?”

“Yes.” I
whispered, fidgeting in my ballet flats.  My right hand bent the knuckles back
on my left with a ripple of cracks.

“You want
to tell me about it?”

“No, it’s
your wedding.  I don’t want to bother you with it.”

“I don’t
care.”

“It’s ok,
Dad.  Really.”

“Ok. 
Come here.” Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, my father pulled me in for a
tight hug.  It felt good leaning on him for a moment.  “You will try again with
Jess.  Promise?”

“Ok,” I
nodded into his shoulder. 

Jess had
left the party.  I didn't actually see him leave, but I felt his sudden
absence.  It didn't take a fancy, physiology degree to know where he slipped
off to on the ranch.  Leaving the clean-up to the capable hands of the
Mason-funded catering staff, I trotted the short walk to the barns. 

In the
tack shed, I found my old, work cowboy boots stitched in a deep orange that
Jess had bought me.  I shoved my feet down in the dark holes and hoped for no
spiders.  Digging around in the shelves, I found another item hidden away in an
old spot just like my shoes. 

The
four-wheeler fired up on the first try.  With my satin dressed bunched up
around my thighs, I sped across the meadow, feeling each nauseous bump.  The
hill with our burned-up stump came into view.  I parked beside the other
four-wheeler and killed the engine, staying astride the seat.  I lacked the
courage for the last few steps of the spur-of-the-moment plan.

Sliding
off, I smoothed down my dress and walked quietly over the grass.  My palm
gripped the red packaged I took from the tack room.  I stopped a few feet from
where Jess sat leaning back against the stump.  His shirt was unbuttoned at his
throat and the blue tie was draped over his knee.  Off to his right, I saw our
names carved into the base of the stump. 
JESS + ALEX

The blue
eyes looked up at me.  I held out my hand in his direction with my Skittles
peace offering.  I could hear the old teasing voice;
It's goin' to take more
than Skittles, Al
.  Instead, of laughing he gave me hard stare with
troubled eyes.  I took a deep breath and went for it.

“I…I…I'm
sorry, Jess.  For everything.  I just want you to hear it.  I wish I could
change what happened but I can't.  Just know I regret it.  I never wanted to
hurt you like this.  And …” I swallowed hard trying not to cry.  “I miss you,
Jess.  I miss you every day,” my voice cracked.  “Thank you for hearing me. 
I…I’ll leave you alone.” 

I dropped
the red package by his foot and turned around, feeling the tears run down my
cheeks. 
At least he heard me
, I thought to myself. 

“Don't
go.”  His gruff voice made my body stop cold.  Wiping my eyes, I turned back
around to face him.  Jess nodded a little to his right, indicating I should
take a seat.  I hesitated with a nervous twitch.   

“It
wasn't supposed to be this way.” He spoke again while I stayed glued to the
spot, looking down at him.  “You seemed afraid of me.  You know, in the truck. 
You were huddled against the glass as far away as you could get from me.  Like
I’d reach over and hurt you or somethin’.” 

“I'm not
afraid.  I just wanted to give you space.”

“Please
just sit,” he asked again.  I walked toward the tree and slid down a few inches
away from him.  Jess shrugged out of his suit jacket and gestured in my
direction.  “Put this on.  You're goin' to get cold.”

“You
don't have to be nice.  I know you still hate me.”

“I don't
hate you.  I never could hate you.”

“But you
said you couldn’t look at me.” 

“I never
stopped lookin’.  It’s ‘bout damn impossible when your pictures are all over my
walls.” 

“Could
have taken them down.”

“Well
that seemed to be somethin’ I couldn't do either.”

“Oh.”   

“Just
take the jacket.”

“Thank
you.”

I slipped
the dark coat over my shoulders, smelling his scent wrap around me.  All these
months of inner pain melted into the warm fabric.  It felt like I was finally
home.  I stayed quiet, afraid to utter something wrong, bringing an end to the
magical peace filling every broken crevice.

“I miss
you too, Al.   Even when I wanted to just scream at you, I still missed you.” 
I didn't dare look in his direction at the strained words.  “You know, the
worse feelin’ in the world is wantin’ to call your best friend and knowin’ you
can’t because they did somethin’ that hurt you.  Somethin’ you thought they
would never do.  I must have picked up the phone a hundred times.  It killed me
every day.  I wanted to go see you so bad, but I couldn’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout
what you did.  I was so angry at you.  I’m still angry at you.”  

His words
tore through my heart.  I wanted to wrap my arms around his body.  I wanted to
hold Jess and never let go.  I wanted to tell his sad face I was sorry until he
believed it without a shadow of a doubt.  Instead, I spoke in a low, monotone
voice never looking at his face.  “What do you suggest we do?”

“You hurt
me and I did my best to hurt you back.  It didn't make it right or better.  It
just made us both miserable.  I saw you that day before I slammed the door. 
You were just lookin’ at me.  Cryin’.  I hadn't ever seen you do that before. 
I’d seen you hundreds of times bitin’ your lip and keepin’ everythin’ sealed up
tight.  But that day you finally let it go and I just stood there, knowin’ I
was the one person who finally broke you.  It haunted me.  Punishin’ you didn't
make me feel better.  It just made me feel worse.  I shouldn't have walked away.  
I'm sorry.”

“Please
don't apologize to me.  I don't want you to.”

“If you
want me to forgive you, then you have to let me say it.”

“It
doesn’t feel right.”

“Alex, I
missed your birthday,” he whispered.  “I shut you out when somethin’ bad
happened to you because of how it made me feel.   I shouldn’t have left.  You
hurt me but I shouldn’t have left.  It’s not what we do to each other.”

I missed
him so much.  The tears slid down one after another creating cool marks in the
breeze.

“This is
different.  Seein’ you cry.”

I turned
to look at him.  “Yeah, it happens a lot now.”

“Oh.” 
Jess lifted a finger up to touch my face and then yanked it back.

“I’m
sorry I…I hurt you.” 

“I
know.”  He exhaled deeply as he leaned against the tree.  “I know you are.  I’m
sorry I made you cry.  I’m sorry I left you.”

I stayed
quiet, feeling the power of the words whisking around in the breeze.   The
meadow sounded and smelled of fall; each tree shedding the leaves to make way
for new ones in the spring, creating the circle of life on the long, lanky
branches.  A beautiful paradise to those granted the privilege to witness the
show.

“I miss
comin’ out here.”  Jess spoke again.  “Everythin’ always made sense in this
spot.  Whatever was botherin’ me.  I could just sit here lookin’ out across the
meadow.  Hearin’ absolutely nothin’ but my own breathin’.  It was easy to
forget anythin’ else even existed.  There wasn’t nothin’ that couldn’t be fixed
out here.”

“It was
easier when we were kids.  All of it.”

“I know.”

“Al, what
he did was terrible.  Have you been ok?  I mean handlin’ it ok?”