The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (17 page)

P.O.V. Mr. Howard C. Cross

“...and see to it that these rocks are cleared from the roadway! I felt that bump back there. I could very well have a traumatic neck condition now because of your less than diligent slavery! I want these roadways smooth, I tell you! The four large, wicker basket woven balls you wretched, animated, ingrates walk in convey every bump and hole in this dirt road.”

“Ugh. You men reek! Must I endure your unending stench as well as the discomfort of this outlandish transportation device? Let’s see, there are four large, round baskets, each containing four, former men. These spherical treadmills are linked together on this zombie powered contraption to propel the craft. That adds up to sixteen, but I would swear that you have the stench of a hundred fetid corpses! Add in our effulgent, though living driver, Overseer Scar’geiverre to the mix and that adds up to an bearable stinkpocalypse!”

“Apparently all that it takes to motivate you monsters is to dangle a frightened chicken before this roly-poly chariot.”

-sigh-

“I tire of these endless fields of sugar cane. From my seat here on this elevated sedan chair, fifteen feet in the air, I can see for miles. It is maddening to see how slowly we make our way to the rum factory. These dirt roads laced through the fields are a bewildering maze. The twelve foot tall, thick stands of sugar cane stalks block the view from the ground. Only I and my driver are high enough in the air to see where we are going.”

“Hey, Overseer Scar’geiverre, how do your life impaired farm labourers find their way back to the houses and factories?”

“It is the hit and miss with the zombie, Monsieur Overseer Cross. If we lose a few zombies here and there, who is going to miss them?”

“A clear case of having to produce the
corpus
, eh? Aha! I see the factory up ahead. What’s this? I see a hundred or more zombies stumbling about through the fields. This is an inexcusable waste of our company’s labour resources! Overseer Scar’geiverre, ascertain what these stupid zombies are doing!”

“It looks to me, Monsieur Overseer Cross, that they are searching for something or someone. Perhaps they are in search of the white women we heard of?”

“Yes, yes, yes, of course. Now hurry these caterpillarized cadavers into getting me to the factory!”

“Oui Monsieur Overseer Cross!”

“Finally! Here we are. Make these brutes stand still and keep this crazy cab steady as I climb down!”

“There, now I am back on terra firma. I presume this barn door to be the main entrance to this vast facility.”

“You zombies, why do you look at me with such a an aura of, … menacing hunger? Back off, corpus, I am not your delicti, I am Overseer Howard C. Cross! You will obey my writ! By the ‘Power of Attorney’ I command you, take me to Overseer Sourrebhierre!”

“...uuuhhh...”

“All right then, that’s better. Ah, there you are, Overseer Sourrebhierre. What’s this all about?”

“Overseer Cross! I saw two white women! One with the bright red hair, she is wearing the black dress. She is filling this dress out in a pleasing way to be sure Monsieur. The other, her hair is not so bright of a red and she is wearing a white dress. This one does not show off as much as the first one, but she too is looking very good, I am thinking, oui. One minute they just appear, from out of nowhere, the next moment, ‘poof’, they are gone, like they were never here.”

“Them never having been here is probably the more likely scenario. Have you been sampling the product a little too much, Overseer Sourrebhierre? I think you dreamed up the whole thing! This is a hidden island, you idiot! No one comes to San Monique!”

“I tell you, I saw them! This is a big, rambling, old building. There are many places they could hide. I will keep my zombies searching until I find them!”

“Well, it better be soon, Overseer Sourrebhierre. You have half your zombies out searching the fields, many more are still searching about inside! Only a few zombies are left to keep this plant functioning. Either we find these alleged women quickly, or we go ahead and return to production as usual.”

“Agreed. If they are hiding in the factory, we will find them. If they have managed to sneak out and go into hiding in the fields, we will flush them out. They will not escape.”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

“Well get ready to tell it to the big man himself. I can hear and feel the approach of his ‘doombuggy’. His mechanical wonder is not confined to the roads as my sugar cane stalk, basket woven, zombie powered caterpillar carriage is, but can move freely through the fields. I am duly impressed with the speed his clock and steam transport device can make.”

“It is fitting for he that is the master! Here is Sku Le’Bizarre now!”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

“Master!”

“Skullzy baby!”

“Report!”

“Yes, Master! I was duly making my regular inspections when I spotted two white women...”

“Was one of them a stuck-up British aristocrat?”

“Oui!”

“Hah! I bet it was that Plumtartt woman. What of the other?”

“Black dress and red hair, but, I doubt the sincerity of the hair being its natural shade. The rest of her was equally unbelievable.”

“I do not know this woman, but I believe your story to be true. I will not suffer to have my
‘Valley of Discontent’
defiled! My visit to our
‘Horned Plateau’s’
side of the
‘Craven Cavern’
entrance confirmed in my mind that the western exit had been assaulted by three white men. I am thinking that one of them was that miserable little Alabama toadlick, Ichabod Temperance. I received a description of another one that I believe to be Los Angelos police detective O’Hagan.”

“Joshua O’Hagan! Why this is clearly a case of harassment by the city of Los Angelos! Your rights are being trampled, Skullzo. We’ll sue the City of the Angels into the ground!”

“There was tell of a third man, tall and strong.”

“We shall kill these intruders on sight, Master!”

“No, Overseer  Sourrebhierre, I want them captured alive. Perhaps they will qualify as  further sacrifice in the coming ceremony.”

“Oui, Master!”

“You got it, Big Guy!”

“Ah, I see that my zombies have topped up the twelve legged
‘DoomBuggy’s’
furnace with depleted stalks and filled her water reservoirs. Go ahead and put a few turns on the springs while you’re at it and clear those leaves from the articulated leg joints.”

“Oui, Master!”

“Capture the fugitives! I am incensed that anyone would dare to come here! I am infuriated that my protective hexes on this island have been violated! The insolent worms must be made to suffer for this trespass.”

“Oui, Master!”

“Roger, roger, boss.”

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

“Okay, Overseer  Sourrebhierre, I’m gonna go with Overseer Scar’geiverre on the ‘Cadaverpillar’ and search in the eastern fields with a squad of of about twenty of your zombies.”

“But that is the least likely place they would be!”

“Which is precisely why they would be there.”

“I think you are just trying to find a safe place to hide out with your own private guard!”

“
What?
Who?
Me?
No!”

“Bah, get out of my factory you learned snake.”

“Right! Hold this cadaver-craft steady, I’m climbing up! Overseer Scar’geiverre, gather about twenty zombies to accompany us and let us ensure that these eastern fields are safe for our Master!”

“Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross!”

Pfft. Like I’m really gonna go out and take on a bunch of overzealous commandos. I’m not even armed with as much as a restraining order!

Ah, this is more like it. Nice and peaceful. No troublesome trespassers to endanger numero uno. I only wish I had a handy Bob Zombie to serve me, the San Moniquan big kahuna, a nice fruity Pina Colada.

-thud-
-flump-

“Did you hear that, Overseer Scar’geiverre? I heard a fleshy strike followed by the sound of a heavy weight falling to the ground.”

“Oui, Overseer Cross.”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“I heard it again, Overseer Scar’geiverre. The disconcerting sound of a hollow thud, not unlike the sound one hears while shopping for melons and the thoughtful consumer might ‘thump’ the produce to verify its state of ripeness. This is what I am hearing in the first sound. The second sound continues to put me in mind of a weight, perhaps the equivalent of a human body, hitting the ground. Do you agree, Overseer Scar’geiverre?”

“Oui, Overseer Cross.”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“Do you think these sounds correspond with the positioning of our zombie guard forces, Overseer  Scar’geiverre?”

“Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross.”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“I believe that we are under attack by stealthy and determined adversaries, Monsieur Overseer Cross.”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“I object! Case dismissed! Get me out of here!”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross!”

phssszzziiiing!   
toink!

“A flash of silver metal has flown in front of the ‘Cadaverpillar’! It has severed the string of our chicken! The bird is free and running into the shelter of the cane fields!”

-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-
-thud-
-flump-

“Why aren’t we moving?! We are almost out of bodyguards!”

-thud-
-flump-

“Make that, we
are
out of bodyguards! Get these lazy corpses to stepping! I might be in danger!”

“Without the chicken to dangle before them for motivation, they have no reason to move forward, Monsieur.”

“Get out and run before the vehicle. We’ll let the wicker basket cases chase after you, Overseer Scar’geiverre!”

“They can sense that I am an official zombie overseer, my authority granted by Sku Le’Bizarre, the same as you. The zombies do not pursue or eat the overseer, Monsieur.”

“Let the zombie motorvators out of their cage balls! They are now put on bodyguard duty!”

“I think it is too late, Monsieur.”

“Aye, it is too late me dearies. I ask ye both to carefully climb down from ye’re cursed trolley.”

“What! Officer Joshua O’Hagan! I knew it! You public menace, by the time I’m through with you, Los Angelos won’t trust you as a crossing guard. By the way, how did you get here? Never mind, I don’t care. You should know, officer, that you are out of your depth and out of your league. Not only that, but you are
way
out of your jurisdiction, detective. You don’t have any authority here!
I’m
the authority, here! I don’t have to do as you say!”

“I winged me policeman’s badge to free the chicken. I’ve not yet retrieved it. I am not bound by departmental regulation at this time. I ask ye as one bosom pal to another, please climb down from that perch.”

“And what if I refuse?”

“I was thinking of climbing up there and tossing you down, but then I thought, no, I’ll just bean ye with this rock, instead. And if I don’t get ye the first time, I have more stones in me pockets. What about you lads?”

“Yessir! I got plenty, but don’t you worry none about missin’ Officer O’Hagan. That would be a waste of ammunition. Bein’ less than frugal ain’t the way I was raised, but bein’ an accurate shooter, is. With this hastily constructed sling I can remove this slick and slimy shyster from his seat up yonder bit by bit. You want his nose first, Officer O’Hagan?”

“Oh, let’s not be cruel, Ickety. Start with his ears, if you would.”

“Overseer Scar’geiverre! Don’t just sit there! Do something!”

“Oui!”

“I say, old chap, please be a good sport and not make any sudden, or furtive movements. You see I was the captain of the cricket team back in beloved Crumbleyshire Commons. Yes, the pitcher, in fact. Do not let my underhand release pitch deceive you, for it is truly a wicked ghauliwhoughtney. Good man, wise choice. You may toss your knife, cudgel, and whip aside that I may gather them for myself. Very good of you old bean, you may now climb down.”