The Memory Child (11 page)

Her lips tightened before she swiped at the tears on
her face.

“You haven’t called me that since we last talked about having children and I said I wasn’t ready, that we needed to reevaluate our goals and timeline and think about whether having a baby was the right decision for us.” All the fight left Diane at that moment. Her shoulders bowed and her head hung lower th
an before.

“I’m sure I have.” Why was she so fixated on this? He knew he’d called her by her nickname tons of times. It was seco
nd nature
to him.

“You haven’t. I’ve noticed. It’s like my not wanting a child puts a wedge between us. I know you want this baby. I know that this is something you’ve wanted for a long time, and I feel horrible that I don’t feel the same way. Don’t you think that eats away at me? What kind of woman am I not to want children?” Her lips trembled. “But then I think,
What kind of mother will I be for our child
? And deep down, I know the
answer.”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. Of course you want our baby. Deep down, you know you do. You’re just conf
used and—”

“I’m not confused.” Diane cut him off. “I just want things to go back to the way they use
d to be.”

Brian tilted his head back until he stared at the ceiling. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, it wasn’t going to be enough, was it? He could argue with her until he was blue in the face. He could promise her the moon but it wouldn’t matter. She couldn’t see pas
t herself.

“So what are you saying?” If she wanted him to listen, so be it. He’d listen. He couldn’t promise to understand, but he’d sure as hel
l listen.

“I’m saying…” She pushed her plate away and glanced around the restaurant. “I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s not like I really have a choice. That’s what angers me
the most.”

Brian leaned forward and stared his wife in the eyes. He read the conflicting messages in
her face.

“You do have a choice. You’ve always had a
choice.”

Diane gave him a sad smile before she picked up her purse and looped it over her
shoulder.

“I know. I can choose you, our life, and this baby. Or I can choose myself. My dreams. My goals. Me.” She stood up and looke
d at him.

“Not much of a choice, is there?” She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. She lingered there, and Brian felt the tears well up in his own eyes. He went to reach for her hand but she stepped back and walked away
from him.

He watched her leave him. He should have stopped her or even followed after her. But he didn’t. He
couldn’t.

He couldn’t help but think she’d just made her choice, and a part inside of
him died.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Diane

Present–May

I
t’s amazing how you can tell a day will be different than the one before the moment you
wake up.

I didn’t like the feel of today. There was something off. Maybe it was the way heavy dark clouds blocked the rising sun out my window or the brisk feel of the wind against my skin through its small
opening.

I pulled my housecoat tight to my body and rolled a kink out of my neck while listening to Grace’s tiny puffs of breath through the baby
monitor.

I wanted to head back to bed and curl up in a tight ball. I could almost feel the suffocation of the heavy blankets upon me as I would drift back to sleep. But instead of doing what I wanted to do, I remained at my post by the window and waited for the sun to peek through t
he clouds.

If I could just see the sun, maybe the heaviness would
disappear.

Last night, both Nina and Charlie managed to convince me that today I should go for a walk. I’m not sure how it happened, but I think it had something to do with Nina going on strike with her fresh-baked goods and Charlie’s bribe of a mocha from the coffee shop on the other side of
the park.

But, to be completely honest, it probably had to do with the plea from Charlie to get out of the house and do something
together.

I haven’t quite confessed my panic attacks t
o her yet.

“You can do it. Just breathe. In and out, in
and out.”

Nina’s soft, comforting voice brought me back from whatever brink I was about to fall over. I squeezed her hand and did exactly that. Breathed i
n and out.

“We’re going to open the door now. Let’s do it together. Place your hand on the knob…that’s it, you ca
n do it.”

I focused on Nina and her voice. Together, we managed to get my hand on the knob and with her help I was able to turn it so the door could open. But that’s as far as I got before my lungs squeezed tight and I couldn’t suck in
any air.

Nina must have caught the panic on my face. She turned me toward her and forced me to look at her. She didn’t say a word, just held on to my hands and waited for me to relax. After a moment, she started
to count.

“One.” She paused. “Two.” Another pause. “Three.” She squeeze
d my hand.

“Four,” I whispered. By now my lungs relaxed and let in the much-needed air. My shoulders relaxed and I was able to let go of her and rub my clammy palms on my
pant leg.

“I can’t
do this.”

Since when I did take the defeatist route? I was slowly beginning to hate myself, hate the person I was becoming. But there was nothing I could do to stop
it either.

Nina nodded. “You can. Let’s start by just sitting outside on the porch bench. I’ll grab som
e water.”

I glanced behind me to reassure myself that Charlie was still with Grace. She was so quiet, like a little angel lying in her stroller. Charlie, on the other hand, looked like she was ready to flee at any moment. Guilt ate at me because I knew it was my fault. If only I could get my panic under control and act like a regular person about to go out on a walk with her
daughter.

It’s not that I didn’t
want
to go for a walk. I did. I wanted to take Grace to the park and introduce her to the birds and the flowers and the laughter of the other children. I couldn’t wait for the day when she was old enough to go down the slide, laugh on the teeter-totter, or learn how to pump her legs on t
he swing.

But what I wanted and what I could do were two completely differen
t things.

It’s as if there was a block in my head, something that stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. Or maybe it was me trying to hide myself behind a mask I wasn’t sure I wanted
to wear.

I knew one thing. If Brian were here, he’d be appalled at how weak I’d become. I knew Ch
arlie was.

Make a decision already.
I could hear him say. But what decision was the right one? Should I embrace the woman I was or the woman I
could be?

“No.” I pushed back my shoulders. “It’s a beautiful day out. The walk will be good for
us all.”

I closed my eyes and swung the door open before I allowed myself the time to hesitate. I was going to do this. I had to do this. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I didn’t recognize this version of m
e at all.

I knew both Nina and Charlie followed me outside. Nina no doubt wore a smile on her face. Her pleasure at my insistence pushed me forward and down the stairs off my porch. I didn’t worry about Grace; I knew Charlie would bring her. Other than on that first day, Charlie had refused to hold Grace again. I think she didn’t want to become attached, to enjoy the feel of a baby in her arms. A stroller was safer, and while she had hesitated this morning when I asked her to push Grace, I knew she wouldn
’t say no.

So, I concentrated on myself, on placing one foot in front of the other. I just had to make it to the car. That was something I did on my way to work—I could do that. Once I was at my vehicle, I forced myself to take another five steps, just past the back end of the SUV, and then another five steps until I almost hit the
sidewalk.

I let the warmth of the sun seep through my skin and into my bones. It felt so good. I felt so…fre
e. Alive.

I lifted my face and stood mesmerized by the clouds as they drifted by. It was like I was seeing them with new eyes. What did children see when they looked at the clouds? I remembered thinking heaven sat on the clouds and that maybe if I yelled loud enough, the angels would
hear me.

A smile bloomed on my face and I wanted to laugh out loud. I could do this. That was when it hit me: the realization that I hadn’t succumbed to my panic attack filled me with a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. I could
do this.

I turned around and beamed a smile at the women behind me. I spread my arms and laughed. Truly laughed. For once, I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t scared. I felt like me. The real me. The true me. The me that Brian fell in love with so many years ago, the me who loved
him still.

“Well, someone seems happy.” Ni
na smiled.

“I am.” I loved hearing the laughter in my voice and I knew Nina
did too.

I took hold of the stroller from Charlie, wanting to be the one to introduce Grace to the sun. Would her eyes light up at the brilliant colors? Would she hear the birds chirping above in the trees and try to see them? Would she smile at me while I picked her up and held h
er close?

Why had I been so afraid to brin
g her out?

“Should we stop at the playground on our way back?” I headed down the
sidewalk.

“We could,” Nina said. “I wouldn’t mind sitting at the benches there and enjoying the fresh air fo
r a bit.”

Nina’s cell phone rang. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she glanced at the number and then hung back as I continued forward. I glanced over my shoulder at her but she waved me on. Who was she talking to? Was
it Brian?

“Aren’t you glad we did this?” Charlie asked me. I nodded but slowed my steps so I could listen to Nina’s con
versation.

“We’re making progress. Yes…we’re just headed on a walk. The little one is with us…it’s a step…well, at this point I’ll take what I
can get.”

I hesitated in my next step and stumbled, pushing the stroller ahead of me and out of my grip. We were at the crest of a little hill and I watched in horror as Grace rolled down the slight slope. My body froze as a scene played out in my head, of her being hit by a car as her stroller gained speed and crossed the street. A sudden jolt of pain shot through my heart before I took off running a
fter her.

The sound of my shoes slapping against the pavement along with Nina’s shouts for me to stop echoed in my ears. My arms flailed as I reached out for the stroller’s handle. With a jerk, I pulled the stroller toward me just as we reached the end of the sidewalk. A pickup truck screeched to a stop just feet away, blaring his horn. I jerked back and glared at the driver. He almost hi
t my baby!

“It’s okay, baby; Mommy’s got you. Mommy’s
got you.”

“Diane!”

With a firm grip on the stroller, I turned to find Charlie steps away
from me.

“Don’t. Do. That. Again.” Nina sucked in a deep breath after e
ach word.

“She was going to get r
un over.”

“My God, Diane. You could have been hit.” Charlie’s body shook as she stood there. She hugged herself as she frow
ned at me.

“Grace almost was!” Did she not just wit
ness that?

“How could you be so foolish?” Charlie blinked and rubbed at
her eyes.

She was scared. I could see it in her eyes. She honestly feared fo
r my life.

Nina rushed up and gripped my arm. Her eyes were wide as she star
ed at me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I tripped and let go of the stroller. Oh my God, Nina. Grace could have been hit!” I placed my hand on top of hers and squeezed. “I almost lost her.” My voice hitched as my throat t
ightened.

I almost lost her. My baby. She would have died if I hadn’t caught her in time. I rushed to the front of the stroller and lifted the covering to find my daughter fa
st asleep.

Relief washed over me as my legs wobbled and then my knees buckled. I dropped to the ground as I stared at my sweet baby. Her lashes fluttered as her face scrunched into a frown and I realized that by my lifting the blanket, the sun now shone directly on her. I lifted my hand to block the sunlight and watched as her face relaxed. She
was okay.

“She’s okay. Still asleep. She never knew what happened.” I smiled u
p at Nina.

“Of course she didn’t.” Charlie muttered under her breath. I caught the scowl on Nina’s face as she frowned at
Charlie.

What was going on between
those two?

And why wasn’t Charlie as relieved as I was? This was her niece. Her family. Didn’t she realize how close that had been? Didn’t she care? She barely glanced down at Grace. What was
going on?

And what about Nina? What was up with her? She seemed more concerned for me than for Grace, and she was supposed to be t
he nanny.

Why did it seem like they both cared more about what happened to me than to my
daughter?

M
y hand shook as I waited for the beep from Brian’s answerin
g machine.

“Damn you, Brian. Why don’t you ever pick up? Why am I always leaving you voice messages? Damn it, our daughter almost died and you weren’t here. Where the hell
are you?”

I screamed that last bit into the phone before I chucked it across the bedroom and sank to my knees, sobbing from the anger welled up ins
ide of me.

Where was he? What was going on with him? Did he leave me but forget to tell me? Was there an accident and he was in some hospital as a John Doe and no one knew how to
reach me?

Where was m
y husband?

I grabbed a pillow off my bed and screamed into it. I couldn’t do this anymore. Why was I suddenly so alone, forced to live a life I wasn’t ready to live? I didn’t want this life; it was Brian who convinced me to keep the baby, Brian who promised he would be by my side, Brian who swore I wouldn’t raise this child
on my own.