The Minnesota Candidate (20 page)

She stepped outside and closed the patio door.
The late afternoon sun was still high in the sky and the tranquil
water in the bay was unblemished by a single boat. On a normal day,
the lake would have been buzzing with activity, but not today. She
turned and headed across the lawn and then she froze. A car, a
battered jalopy trailing blue smoke, was headed down the driveway.
Shari clutched the shopping bag to her chest and estimated the
distance to her bedroom and the Sig Sauer. Brakes squealing, the
clunker rolled to a stop. The driver’s door opened and a familiar
looking man stepped out. It took a minute before Shari recognized
him as Crazy Steve Calizzi. “Hello,” she said, warily.

“Hey Shelly,” said Steve. “I’m sorry for just
dropping by like this, but the gate was open and we thought what
the hell.”

“It’s Shari.”

“Huh?”

“My name is Shari.”

“Right, Shari, like I was sayin’, Lumpy and I
were out driving around and we thought we’d stop over and say
hello.”

The passenger door opened and Lumpy climbed out.
He gave Shari a polite wave and then his expression changed. He
pointed to his face. “Hey, you lost that Popeye thing you had goin’
on. Good for you. Hey, is Fat Tommy around?”

“No, I’m sorry but Tom is gone and he won’t be
home until late.” There was an awkward silence as the young men
shrugged their shoulders and stared at the grass. Suddenly, distant
screams erupted from the open door of her parent’s house. Lumpy and
Steve both turned to face in that direction. “I’ll tell Tom you
guys stopped by,” said Shari, hoping they would take the hint.

“That sounds like Aunt Doris,” said Lumpy.

“And Aunt Marie,” added Crazy Steve. “Sounds
like trouble. We better get in there and see what’s wrong.”

“There’s nothing to worry about,” said Shari.
“They’re just in there poking around. They probably just saw a rat
or something.”

“We better check it out,” said Lumpy. “Come on,
Steve.”

“No, I really wish you guys would leave.”

With dollar signs flashing in their eyes, Lumpy
and Steve turned and sprinted toward the open door. Shari screamed
for them to stop, but she could see that there was no stopping
them. She ran after them, but they were young and very fast. Soon,
both men disappeared inside the house. Shari froze in her tracks
and dropped the bag. There was a moment of silence and then all
hell broke loose. The screams of the women were quickly drowned out
by the shrieking of the men. Shari found that she was also
screaming. She left the bag where it was and she ran up to the big
house.

All four of them were in the pit. Steve and
Lumpy were sitting on one end, covering their eyes, while Doris and
Marie were clawing away at the opposite wall. Shari stood up at the
top and she shook her fist. “I tried warning you,” she growled.
“But no, you wouldn’t listen to me. Are either of you hurt?”

“Just my eyes,” groaned Lumpy. “Please, get me a
screwdriver so I can pop them out.”

“Get two screwdrivers,” said Steve. “Sweet
Jesus, what the hell is going on down here?”

Shari ran her fingers through her hair. “Well
ladies,” she said, “go ahead and tell them. I have some clothes up
here, but you’re not getting them until I get an apology.”

“Don’t listen to her,” hissed Marie, “she’s
trying to kill us.”

“She’s an evil woman,” added Doris.

Shari shook her head and laughed, bitterly. “I
can wait here all night. I’m not letting anyone out until you women
confess what you’ve done. I’m not kidding, Doris.”

Doris clawed her hands in the air and bared her
teeth to Shari. “Wait until I tell Tommy about this! You’re in so
much trouble!”

“You rotten bitch!” screeched Marie.

“For the love of God,” said Steve, “will you
just get them some clothes? I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Don’t look at them,” said Lumpy. “You’re going
to get nightmares.”

Shari’s anger grew to a feverish pitch. “So,
that’s how it’s going to be, huh? Do you know what I’m going to do?
I’m going to go back to my house and get my video camera and I’m
going to bring it back here. Then I’m going to stream all of this
online so the whole world can see you.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” grunted Marie.

“You just watch me.”

“Can she do that?” asked Doris, turning to face
her nephews.

Both men turned away. “Yes, she can!” shouted
Steve. “Will you just tell the story and apologize? I don’t want my
friends seeing this!”

“Oh my God,” said Lumpy, “Pete and Bobby are
always on the internet. You two had better fess up. I don’t want to
have to send my boys to therapy. Do you know how expensive that
is?”

“She’s lying!” screamed Marie, but her voice had
lost some of its edge and it was followed by a long moment of
silence.

“I’m sorry,” said Doris. “Fine, you win. I’ll
tell the whole story.”

“Don’t you dare say a word,” hissed Marie. “I’m
warning you, Doris.”

“Shut up,” said Steve.

“Yeah Aunt Marie, shut your yap,” added
Lumpy.

Marie turned on her nephews like a wild boar.
She charged them with both arms swinging. Shari covered her mouth
to stifle her laughter. Dressed only in her dirty white bloomers,
Marie began slapping her cowering nephews with looping blows. “Who
do you think you are?” she bellowed. “I’ll teach you rotten punks
some respect! Apologize to me, damn you!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“We’re sorry!”

“Stop it, Marie!” shouted Doris. “Get away from
them!”

Marie stood over her nephews, sagging breasts
heaving from the exertion, and Shari chuckled as the big woman
realized her nakedness. Marie covered herself and returned to her
corner. “Your arm doesn’t look broken to me,” said Shari.

“I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you wanted to
hear?”

“That’s a start. Now, just for the record, I
want you both to explain how you ended up down here to Steve and
Lumpy. Don’t leave anything out. When I’m satisfied, I’ll get you
your clothes and I’ll drop a ladder down there. Do we have a
deal?”

“Fine! Doris, go ahead and tell it. I want to
get the hell out of this hole.”

And Doris told the story. Shari could see that
naked or not, Doris loved the spotlight. She told the story from
her eyes, explaining what she had felt and why she had done what
she had done. The only part she left out was how she had framed Sam
for the missing gun. Shari let that pass. Later, when Tom was there
to hear it, they would pull that out of her. Covering their eyes,
Steve and Lumpy listened, adding their own two cents as Doris
droned on. Marie even chimed in a few times, adding what little she
could to deflect as much blame as possible.

Satisfied, Shari returned to the bag and she
brought it back to the pit. She dropped it down and then she walked
back to her open garage to fetch the ladder. With her anger
subsiding, Shari was finally able to enjoy the humor in the
situation. She laughed to herself as she pulled the ladder down
from the wall.

Shari dropped the ladder down and waited as the
four relatives climbed up into the daylight. The second they were
all outside, Shari slammed the big door shut and she locked it.
Doris stared at Shari in disbelief. “You mean that after all that,
you won’t let us have a look around? You’re a mean woman, Shari.
That’s just cold.”

“Get off your soapbox. Nobody goes in there, not
me, not anyone.”

“We promise not to take anything,” said Marie,
sounding like a kindly old woman. “Isn’t that right, Doris?”

“That’s right. We promise not to take anything.
Lumpy and Steve were just leaving, weren’t you, boys?”

“Actually,” said Steve, “we ain’t got any
gas.”

“Yeah, we were hoping you might have some in a
can or somethin’.”

“I don’t have any gas,” said Shari. “I use a
lawn service and don’t even keep a can in the garage. I have some
cash in the house. You can drive up to Super America.”

Steve shook his head. “There ain’t no gas, not
anywhere. The whole town is dry as a bone. I guess we’re going to
have to hang out until Fat Tommy gets home.”

“Oh,” grunted Marie, “well, this is just great.
What would you boys have done if no one was here?”

“We would’ve waited,” said Lumpy. “What else
could we do?”

Shari shook her head and began walking down the
stairs. “I’ll let Tom figure it out when he gets home. Come on,
I’ll fix us all some sandwiches. I need a drink.”

“I need a gallon of whiskey,” agreed Steve. “I
want to forget what happened here.”

“Me too,” said Lumpy. “That was gruesome.”

Marie stopped in front of them and she waved a
finger at her nephews. “If either of you ever breathes a word of
this to anyone, so help me, I’ll make you regret it for the rest of
your miserable lives. Are we clear on that?”

“As a bell, your secret is safe with me.”

“Absolutely, I sure don’t want my boys hearing
about this.”

“Good, I’m glad we understand each other.”

Doris shook her head. “We were so close. Shari,
you’ve got to let me back in there. Not today, but someday. I
promise to keep it a secret.”

“If she goes in, I’m going in,” said Marie. “I
think I’ve paid my dues.”

“Nobody is going in there. What part of no don’t
you understand?”

“Sure is a nice night,” said Steve. “Maybe after
we eat, we could go for a spin in that boat? I wonder why nobody is
out on the lake.”

“You know, I was thinking the same thing,” said
Shari. “Something big must be going on. Have any of you heard the
news, today?”

“I don’t watch the news,” said Lumpy. “It’s too
depressing.”

“Me either,” agreed Steve. “None of it ever
affects me, anyhow.”

Shari thought about that as she led the group
inside. The power was still out, but she had a battery operated
radio in the garage and she sent Steve out to fetch it. “It’s under
the workbench,” she said. “You can’t miss it.”

When Steve returned, Shari found that the
batteries were dead. “That figures,” she said. “I’ll see if I can
find some fresh ones after we eat.”

Shari opened the refrigerator and she pulled out
a bag of deli ham and a variety pack of sliced cheeses. They were
still cool to the touch. She then set out condiments and three bags
of chips. She took some paper plates down from the cupboard and
told everyone to help themselves. There was no more wine in the
refrigerator, so she walked into the pantry and grabbed three
bottles of the Lambrusco from the case that Tom had bought. She had
never tried the red wine and when she did, she was pleasantly
surprised. The rest of the group was pleased, as well. It seemed
that the wine was popular on Tom’s side of the family. Lumpy and
Steve added ice cubes to their red plastic cups and soon, everyone
else was doing the same.

They ate their sandwiches and chips and washed
it down with the Italian wine. Eventually, they began to loosen up
as they relived their experience. Doris and Marie took turns
telling their side of the story, while Lumpy and Steve rolled with
laughter. Slowly, Shari began to let her guard down. She started to
see why Doris and Marie wanted so desperately to see what was
inside her parent’s house. They had never known wealth, and more
than anything, they were just curious to see how the other half
lived. She saw that Steve and Lumpy were harmless. They were just a
couple of lazy young men without direction, which she didn’t think
made them bad people. Like it or not, she was now tied to these
people. They were now family and something about that realization
made Shari happy.

Her immediate family was dead and buried and her
extended family had never been close. They were scattered across
two continents and she only heard from them when someone died or
got married. They were self-absorbed and aloof, rich, snobbish
people, whom Shari could only stomach for short periods of time.
The group in front of her didn’t have a dime between them, but as
poor as they were, they were rich in a way that money could never
buy.

The storytelling continued as Shari opened yet
another bottle of wine. Both Marie and Doris started treating Shari
with respect. Marie scolded Steve for not taking his shoes off
after going outside for a smoke, while Doris warned Lumpy not to
touch anything. “Show some respect,” she had said, giving Shari a
sly wink.

Eventually, the storytelling turned to gossip
and Shari felt herself being drawn into it. And while she didn’t
really know any of the people they were talking about, they were
all Calizzi’s and Picacello’s, which made them family and the
gossip so much more interesting. Shari had never heard people
gossip about their family members, not like they were doing, and
she felt sad that she had missed out on something so strangely
wonderful. The gossip was punctuated with background, who was
married to whom, how they were related, where they lived and what
they did for a living. Shari found that she couldn’t wait to meet
some of these characters.

When she caught Lumpy and Steve staring out at
the Chris Craft, Shari looked at her watch. It was only 8:00 and
there was still plenty of light. “Come on,” she said, “who wants to
go for a boat ride?”

Ten minutes later, the five of them were
cruising across the bay in Shari’s boat. The three women rode in
the front on the big bench seat, while Steve and Lumpy rode behind
them, cracking comments in their best Ivy League accents. Shari
putted around the bay, pointing out some of the other houses as
they passed. As she did so, she found that she didn’t much care for
the people who lived in those houses. She also began to notice that
no one was outside. She took the group for a wide turn around the
bay, the old wooden boat gleaming in the setting sun. She had
always loved her father’s 1959 Chris Craft, and while there were
much bigger boats on the lake, few could match it in beauty. Like
her father had done before her, Shari had the boat refinished each
season before it was stored away, indoors, in a heated stall.