The Miting (30 page)

The moon was large and bright, its yellow glow mellowed by clouds that sailed over its surface. It reminded Leah of happier times with her family when they had lazily watched the moon on hot summer nights after dinner. She yearned for reconciliation. She missed
Maem
and
Daet.
She missed Ada, Benny, Daniel, and Sara. No one could take the place of family, but Leah knew she couldn’t stand to live under the religious laws and rules of man anymore. There didn’t seem to be a way to do both.

Abe made the few miles to the Schrocks’ house a quick trip, and before she knew it, he was pulling into the driveway. No lights showed in the house, though it wasn’t that late. What would they think of her if they knew where she’d been?

What in the world got into me that I had to go to this party?

“Thanks, Abe, for bringing me back.” Leah paused. “I’ll be praying for you and Martha—and the baby.”

Abe snorted, a look of disgust crossing his face when she mentioned the baby. His reaction startled her.

“Whatever,” he replied shortly.

Even Abe seemed less than happy with their new life, and Leah wondered how things could have so quickly turned out wrong for both him and Martha.

She let herself in the door to the downstairs apartment and lightly descended the concrete stairs. With a sigh, she shut the door and turned on the light. Her bedroom seemed more like a refuge than ever after the loudness of the party. She hurriedly peeled off her stinking clothes. They smelled like cigarettes and beer. She took them to the washer and dropped them in. She turned on hot water and poured a capful of detergent over the smelly fabric.

Leah scurried to the bathroom, pulling a clean washcloth from the shelf. Warm water sluiced away the feelings of disappointment and disgust. The fresh scent of soap was soothing. She pulled a soft gown over her head, breathing in the unsullied smell of clean cloth. Padding barefoot to the bed, she pulled back the crisp sheets and blankets and picked up the phone to let her roommate know that she was already home.

As the pillow wrapped its spotless scent around her, she sighed. Never had Leah felt such thankfulness for this bed or for this room or for this house. She said a simple prayer of thanks for the Schrocks and for God’s protection over her during the party. She was exhausted and closed her eyes soon after she turned off the light. Just before she slipped into sleep, Leah imagined she heard
Maem
’s voice wishing her good night, and a deep sadness filled her heart.

Leah worked hard all spring, cleaning houses and studying for her GED. She was learning to drive and was trying to save as much money as she could toward a car. As the months had passed, she’d hoped to feel more at home in the English world, but with summer approaching, the familiar weight of loneliness and longing for her family settled on her shoulders. She added volunteering in the MAP offices once a week to fill her schedule, but she still had too much time to think about home.

To her surprise, a letter came for her a few weeks later. Her heart beat faster when she noted the return address from Jacob Yoder. He wrote! He finally wrote. Eagerly she tore open the envelope, dropping the torn edge to the floor in her haste to read.

Dear Leah,

I hope this letter finds you happy. I’m sorry it took me so long to answer your letter. I’ve had to do some thinking. I don’t have much time to write, and I’m not a writer anyway, but I want to let you know how much I miss you. Things are about the same here. Except you are gone. And that’s a world of difference. I hope to run into you sometime when I’m in town—and I sure wish I could drive out to see you. It seems especially hard since you’re not far away, but I don’t want to upset your new life. (I also know it may be too hard for me to leave you and drive back home. Ha!)

I ran into Martha in town after I got your letter. I told her where you were. I hope that was okay. She sure has a lot on her plate, but I’m guessing you know that by now.

Your
daet
and
maem
have not said much about you, but that’s not a surprise, is it? It seems to be how things are done when someone leaves. Ada is missing you, and so is little Benny. He doesn’t understand why you’re not at home anymore, and I’m not sure your parents have told him why you’re gone.

I also want you to know I read the gospel of John in an English Bible that was given to my little sister by the Gideons. If I can be trusted to understand what I read, I might see why you are thinking the way you are thinking. (Ignore my poor grammar! A country farmer is what I am, I guess, and what I’ll always be—not a
gut
writer.) Anyway, I have to go. I don’t want my parents catching me putting this in the mailbox. Take care of yourself, and I hope you think of me from time to time.

Jacob

Leah wiped tears as she read. The letter—so simple, yet so poignant—tore at her heartstrings. “Oh, Jacob! Why does it have to be this way?” She secured the precious letter in her dresser box and hurried to get ready for work. All day she wondered about Jacob. Would he think about joining her in the English world? Could there ever be a future for her with him? She tried to put the letter from her mind, choosing to focus on the here and now. If God had a plan for Jacob to be in her life, she prayed to be patient and open to the possibility.

One morning, Naomi drove Leah to the library to get a few books for her GED class.

“Okay, now that’s done, let’s go get some lunch,” said Naomi. “How about the Lynway? Ever been there?”

“No. I’ve seen it a time or two and heard about their famous pies.”

“Sounds good, doesn’t it?”

Leah grinned as they walked back to the car. She raised her face to catch a cool breeze. The sun was shining brightly, and she felt a lift in her heart for the first time in days.

Leah opened the door to slide in when she heard the familiar clopping of horse hooves. She glanced around in time to see a black buggy coming toward the library. Her hand froze on the handle of Naomi’s car as she recognized the caramel coloring and mannerisms of Sparky. Her gaze flew to the faces of those in the buggy:
Maem
, Ada, and Benny. Leah’s heart turned over. Before she realized what she was doing, she ran to the edge of the street and lifted her hand in a wild and happy wave.

At first, her family didn’t see her, but as they passed by, Leah saw Benny excitedly pointing to her. His eyes lit up, and he lifted his hand to wave back, but
Maem
quickly stopped him, pulling his hand down to his lap. She showed no recognition of her daughter whatsoever but kept her eyes straight ahead on Sparky’s haunches. Benny gave
Maem
a bewildered look and then dropped his head in shame. Ada glanced Leah’s way but made no further sign of acknowledgment—no wave, no smile, no anything.

Leah’s heart plummeted, and she burst into sobs. She watched the buggy roll on down the busy street as tears fell on her T-shirt. She hungrily kept sight of the black buggy until it was lost in traffic and no longer visible. By the time Naomi reached Leah, she was a mess. Naomi hugged her tightly, leading her back to the car.

Naomi turned the key and flipped the AC switch to send cool air through the car. She waited for Leah to regain her composure before she spoke.

“Leah, I had this same type of thing happen to me. It hurt so much and made me ache for my family. It also made me mad they were willing to leave me behind—like they’d totally forgotten me. That’s what it felt like anyway.”

Leah sniffed.

“But what I had to remember was they weren’t trying to hurt me. They were really concerned I was going to go to hell, and they believed it with all their hearts. In their minds, being cruel to me through shunning was worth it if it brought me back—kept my soul from going to hell, made me come home. Rejoin the Amish church. Live my life Amish and then die and go to heaven. You know?”

“I know,” Leah replied. “But it hurts to see my little brother and sister and
Maem
—” she shook her head. “She always loved me—
always.
I can’t imagine doing that to my daughter.”

“It does hurt, and, in some ways, it never stops hurting.”

Leah tried to imagine Naomi being young and lost without her family. She wondered how she lived with the
meidning
all these years. “Do you still miss your family, Naomi?”

“Yes. It’s been twenty years, and my parents have passed on now, but my sisters have figured out a way to see me without getting in too much trouble with their bishop. They let me come to visit now that
Daet
and
Maem
are gone.”

“It’s been that long since you left?”

Naomi nodded. “Yes. My family has missed so much of my life. I think I was most hurt that my parents were never grandparents to my children. They didn’t watch them grow up. That made me angry once in a while, but we did have a family from our church who ‘adopted’ us. They were there for us right from the beginning. That helped. They took us in and made us a part of
their
family.”

Leah stared out the window. “Did you ever think about going back?”

“Sure. Often. And as you’ve heard, Matthew and I tried to go back—but it just didn’t work. As time went on, I grew more adjusted to being English, and above that, I just couldn’t go back to living under the
Ordnung.
I knew I couldn’t give up on God.”

Again, Leah nodded, fully understanding the mix of emotions.

“Are you okay?” Naomi asked gently.

Leah gave her a watery smile, but in her heart, the pain was still so strong she felt as though she must be bleeding. The sharp sadness of rejection stabbed more than she could have possibly guessed, and for the first time in a long while, that old familiar anger started to burn again.

Leah was mad at the bishop, mad at the church, and even mad at
Maem
and
Daet.
After all, if they loved her, they would stand up for her. Wouldn’t they? How could parents turn against their own child? She shook her head in confusion as Naomi put the car in gear.

Then Naomi added an insight that struck Leah deeply. “One thing: don’t let bitterness and anger toward your family or even toward the Amish church take root in your heart. I know for a fact it isn’t worth the trouble and pain it can cause you.” She glanced at Leah. “From this day on, ask the Lord to help you release it and let it go.”

She was silent. Leah wasn’t sure she could do that yet.

Naomi continued, “Leah, take my advice to heart as from one who knows what it can do to bottle up those feelings and feed that anger. Ask God to take it from you. He cares. He wants you to live in peace. He didn’t call you out to live for Him in grace and mercy, and at the same time, to carry anger and bitterness in your heart. It will steal your peace and your joy.”

“But how can I get over this? My
own
mother has turned her back on me!”

“I know. It hurts, but Jesus can help you as He has helped me. We’ll start to pray He’ll do just that, okay?”

Leah nodded and leaned back in the seat. She shut her eyes, immediately praying for peace. Peace that suddenly seemed elusive and far away. The ache in her heart kept hurting, and all the way home, silent tears squeezed out and ran down her cheeks.

It was harder now, more than ever, to think of a future without her family in it. She could not picture herself being happy again without them. She’d imagined that as time passed her family would come around, but now Leah knew just how strongly they felt and how difficult it would be for them to accept her new life.
God, help me learn to live with this—please.

C
HAPTER
S
IXTEEN

T
he sunny hot days of summer moved in, and on top of her worry over Martha, Leah was thinking more and more about her family. She couldn’t get out of her mind the image of little Benny as
Maem
jerked his hand to his lap. The look on his face, his disappointment and shame, made Leah sad every time she thought of it. Anger toward
Maem
increased; anger toward all of them. And then came a letter from home. As Leah opened it, her hands trembled. She recognized
Daet
’s handwriting.