The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant (10 page)

This doesn’t mean you have to go out and buy a full leather rig. For men, black pants and a black shirt does the job. Women have a wider range of options – from riding clothes to, well…one dominant often shows up in a Victorian school-teacher’s outfit, complete with cameo at her throat.

Even the part of the crowd that is made up of scene members, like the scene itself, is disproportionately male. The vast majority consists of male submissives – much to the pleasure of the female dominants. Female dominants and male dominants are present in almost equal numbers. However, unescorted female submissives seem almost nonexistent.

This is not to say that male dominants should avoid these clubs. They provide a useful place to meet others in the scene and to make one’s reputation. Word of mouth is highly respected in the scene, and if the escorted submissive women come to like and trust you, you can be certain that their unattached sisters will soon learn about it.

Naturally, male dominants should treat escorted women with the greatest respect and courtesy. There are few greater sins than being dominating or rude to another dominant’s submissive. The nicest thing that will happen, if you fail to obey this unwritten rule, is that you will get the cold shoulder. You should make sure to include the lady’s dominant in any conversation, doing otherwise is extremely rude.

Another reason that unattached male dominants choose to visit these clubs is that a significant number of the “female dominants” are actually submissives dressing in dominant fashions so they can visit the club without being inundated by the attentions from wannabe doms.

Female dominants have an easier time, but clubs create problems for them too. Far too many of apparently submissive men are actually SAMs (Smart Assed Masochists), who are intent on using them, or any other woman, as a prop in their fantasies. Far from being submissive, these men can be very uncooperative with anyone who does not look or behave in a manner precisely fitting into their fantasy.

I was with Ace, an attractive female dominant, at Paddles one night when a man approached her and said, “Mistress, may I worship your boots?”

With appropriate courtesy, Ace gave him permission. But then, after a few minutes, the man said, “Mistress, may I take off your boots and worship your feet?”

It had been a long evening, and Ace was tired. In a gentle voice, she told him that she had been standing all evening and felt that her feet were swollen and, if she took them out of her boots, she would be unable to get the boots on again. However, she said he could continue to worship the boots.

He simply dropped the leg he was holding, looked at Ace and said, “That’s no fun,” then he turned and walked away. While this man was far from being representative of all male submissives, his kind is unfortunately common in the club scene.

Female dominants will have a considerably easier time than males in finding someone to play with at public clubs. However, those who are seeking more than a simple bit of play may be just as disappointed at first as their male counterparts. The solution is to use the same strategy employed by male dominants in search of a submissive. Mingle, get to know the regulars, both male and female, dominant and submissive; plug into the grape vine, and eventually you are likely to have good luck.

Scene organizations.
Another way of meeting submissives already in the scene is through organizations. Some, like TES, People Exchanging Power, New England Dungeon Society and Black Rose, are organizations with officers, by-laws and dues. Not all that different from the Rotary or a ham-radio society. However, the scene has its own, peculiar set of organizations known as munches.

According to most scene historians, the first munch took place in Palo Alto, California, in the early ’90s, when a group of people who had gotten to know each other on the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage decided to meet each other at a burger joint. The regular meeting grew and adopted the name “Burgermunch,” which was soon shortened to “munch.”

Munches quickly spread across the country and overseas until it became relatively rare for a metropolitan area not to have one. Of course in the anarchistic world of BDSM, munches vary widely. Some have changed until there is little to differentiate them from conventional organizations, while others maintain the casual, show-up-if-you-can attitude of the original Burgermunch.

Generally, you’ll find them in some sort of eating establishment. For example, in New England many of the munches are in mall food courts where on a given day or days of the month a group of individuals appear, push tables together and chat for a while.

One of the big bonuses of the open-style munch is that a nervous newcomer can grab a table nearby and “scope out the crowd” before approaching and asking, “Is this the munch?”

It’s difficult to overstate how valuable that sort of openness can be. At one time when I attended TES, it gathered in the basement of a church. All too often, I detected the sound of someone descending the stairs outside the closed door, followed shortly by the sounds of someone reluctantly ascending. It was an ordinary wooden door, but for someone insecure and scared of his or her own needs, it might have been an iron-bound oak portal set in a granite arch with “All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here” carved above it. How much easier it is to sample a plate of kung-pao chicken while observing from ten or so yards?

When you are looking to meet people, it’s a good idea to view munches much like a consignment store. Because going to the munch is very much an occasional thing for a lot of people, if you don’t see something you like on your first visit, don’t give up. It may be there the next time, or the time after that. Also keep in mind, like at a consignment store, the good stuff doesn’t stay on the shelf for long.

While each munch makes its own rules, generally the more public the munch’s venue, the more discreetly guests are expected to behave. This generally means wearing vanilla clothing, not displaying toys, and keeping your voice down, particularly when discussing scene matters.

Like munches, organizations are run by and for the members. The vast majority hold public meetings, but they also have some members-only activities. Most organizations are quite inexpensive to join, and even if you live too far away to attend meetings, their newsletters and other publications can be a valuable source of information and guidance.

For me, the most valuable reason for belonging is the joy of being with people who share my needs and desires. There is a feeling of family that can be infinitely comforting to someone whose desires are looked upon by the rest of the world with distaste and sometimes hostility.

If there is such an organization near enough for you to visit, by all means, do so. For the first meeting, sit, listen and observe. Get a feel for the dynamics. Many people’s reaction when I bring up organizations or munches is to say, “Oh, I’m a very private individual; I couldn’t risk that.”

This is a completely understandable reaction. However, the risk is really a lot less than you may think. While “outing” does take place, in my experience it almost always takes place independent of a person’s organizational memberships. Almost all of the outing cases I can recall in over forty years of playing have been directly related to divorce proceedings, where one spouse is trying to blackmail the other into a more favorable settlement or to paint him or her as unfit to have custody.

A common question is, “What if someone I know sees me at the meeting/class/party?” You could arrive at the munch, take off your coat, sit down and suddenly realize that one of the people at the table is Jim from accounting. You must fight the sudden urge to throw your coat over your head and run from the room. Guess what Jim is thinking right now? Exactly, the same thing you are. Borrowing a phrase from the Cold War, scene people refer to this phenomenon as “Mutually Assured Embarrassment.”

As a dominant, you may feel compelled to make your presence known immediately upon arriving in a new group. Don’t! Dominant means strong and secure. If you come across as pushy and insensitive, you could earn a reputation that will stay with you for a long time.

I recall the close of a TES meeting. As was customary, everyone was putting away chairs. One man, whom I had not seen before, motioned to a woman, whose collar and cuffs clearly indicated her status. He told her in an imperious tone to put away his chair. When she looked at him in amazement, he informed her that he was dominant. She turned around and walked away. This exchange had not gone unnoticed by others, and this particular “dominant” soon stopped coming to meetings.

Talking to people is perfectly OK, but you should be careful not to angle your attention only at submissives of the opposite sex. Not only is this rude, but it gives an impression of a single-minded pursuit that is most undominant. There are no hard and fast rules on how to act, but erring on the side of caution is probably a good idea.

I do not know of a single organization that pays much attention to clothing at their meetings. After all, many people will be coming directly from work, and few corporate organizations include black leather in their dress codes. On the other hand, some members come in full scene gear. What you wear is entirely up to you. However, a bit of black and a bit of leather will probably send the message that you are not entirely ignorant of the ways of the scene.

If, as is common, there is a point where those in attendance identify themselves according to their orientation and interests, take advantage of it to make yourself known in the most favorable terms possible. Just remember, as with advertisements, lying is inadvisable. Most lies will eventually be found out and may do irreparable damage to your reputation.

With organizations as well as at clubs, it is a mistake for a male dominant to expect to make contact with a female submissive immediately. It usually takes some time to build up a reputation to the point that your approaches will be welcomed. A female dominant may face the opposite problem because of the abundance of male submissives. She may be faced with the pleasant difficulty of having to pick and choose.

Conventions and events.
One of the results of the expansion of the scene and the new openness engendered by the Internet has been the appearance of regional and national events like Thunder in the Mountains and Folsom Street Fair. These vary in size from a few hundred people to thousands and usually combine classes, play parties, socials and vending. While the events can be daunting, they offer people a wonderful opportunity to see the depth and breadth of the scene in a single weekend.

They are also perfect for people concerned about being recognized by friends and co-workers since they can select one being held hundreds of miles away, and who knows, once having been exposed to the pleasures of being surrounded by like-minded individuals, even the reserved person may opt to take the chance and begin attending local events.

Searching outside the scene

For one reason or another, a dominant may be willing or unable to avail herself or himself of advertisements, clubs or associations. Still, it is good to remember that the vast majority of the submissives have not yet declared themselves or have not even realized the full range of their desires and, therefore, cannot be reached through conventional routes.

Although there is some overlap between the techniques for identifying and seducing submissive men and women, there are enough differences to justify taking each group separately.

Identifying a potentially submissive woman is a situation fraught with peril. Not only is a direct question inappropriate, but many women have repressed their submissive tendencies because of embarrassment or because they have been taught that such feelings are evil or a betrayal of their fellow women.

I look for intelligent, strong, self-assured women. Frightened little mice do not have the courage to accept and act on their needs. Also, a woman who feels inferior can be manipulated into a submissive role against her will. This is ethically indefensible. With them, I tend to use a technique that I cause “plausible deniability,” a method that allows me to back off with no loss of face in the event of rejection.

During the dating process, I put the woman in situations where she is lightly restrained. For example, I hold her hands behind her back during a kiss or kiss her while she is still entangled in clothing she has been removing. If she panics or withdraws, I apologize and “admit” to having been overcome with enthusiasm. If she reacts with passion, I try a bit harder. The trick is to keep it light and playful.

During sex, I watch for her to do things like grabbing sheets with wide-spread arms because it is a position often adopted by people who are fantasizing that they are being restrained. I also try holding her hands above her head or “accidentally” tangling them in the sheets when I am on top or holding them against her thighs or behind her back when she is on top.

Conversational probing can be as subtle as the physical testing. Literature is a good ice breaker. If she has read The Story of 0 or books by A.N. Roquelaure, it gives me a chance to discuss the situation in a suitably abstract, nonthreatening atmosphere. If she brings up de Sade’s writings, it gives me an opportunity to compare his writings with reality by saying something like, “Yeah, I’ve read some of his stuff, but what I hear about people who do bondage and stuff like that is that they are nothing like characters in his books. They seem to really care about consent and sensuality instead of just pain for pain’s sake.”

It is amazing what people will discuss in the abstract that would be extremely threatening to discuss on a personal level. I use such abstract discussions to get a feeling on “where a woman is” on a subject. Even a violent reaction to any kind of BDSM literature is not necessarily a negative sign. Many women, as I have noted above, are fighting a great deal of social pressure to defeat what they have been taught to believe are bad feelings. I pay more attention to gut- level feelings, perhaps based on subliminal body language, which come out of the discussion.